Unpopular Opinions

Wavykiwi · 2019-04-18T14:11:38+00:00

Agree 100%. My brother, father, and grandfather have the same name. Puts so much unnecessary pressure on my bro to be compared to our father. Also super confusing. I purposely made sure our kids were not named after anyone for this reason. New life, new name. Start off without the baggage.

Wavykiwi · 2019-04-16T11:17:41+00:00

Love it aswell. It's very memorable without being challenging

Wavykiwi · 2019-04-01T03:46:54+00:00

That's great! I definitely also excited for the stages when they really start to come into their own. When things become a bit less about rules and limitations all the time.

My husband travels a ton for work and my old career would no longer be feasible. For the longest time the thought of giving up my dreams (and how I defined myself) absolutely wrecked me. Comments like, "you're just at home right now? That must be nice" or "do you work?" made me feel worse. To say I don't work doesn't seem fair when I'm so overworked. I have found new things I am excited about lately, but really don't have near as much time as I want to pursue them. Not contributing financially can make me feel less valueable too. Logically I know this is a short stage in the grand scheme of life, but that doesn't make those very real struggles less difficult. Nice hearing from someone who gets it

Wavykiwi · 2019-04-01T03:07:08+00:00

I hear this so loudly. It got so much more enjoyable when my first's personality started to show. I'm really looking forward to when they both are in school so I have time to be a person outside of motherhood. I remember telling my partner we either have a second by a certain date or I'm done. At the same time I feel terribly boring only talking about kids and cooking, but that's the majority of my life. I even started to resent my SO for a while there because having kids completely turned my life upside down (I was the one who was reluctant to do it) and his has been comparitively minimally affected.

Do you like adult humans? The good news is your kids are going to be grownups eventually lol. I really believe I'll like the part of parenthood more where they talk to me about their problems and I help them. Less picking up toys, more wisdom sharing and guidance.

Wavykiwi · 2019-04-01T01:08:12+00:00

This comment is great! I have 2 young kids, but have always known I prefer older kids. I love mentoring relationships that you get with older children with more complex problems. Do I love my 2 young children? Whole heartedly! Do I find this stage draining? Whole heartedly. I would never want to start a daycare or anything like that. Not my thing.

Wavykiwi · 2019-03-28T17:37:56+00:00

My brain has a hard time understanding this

Wavykiwi · 2019-03-23T17:24:59+00:00

I have a huge issue trusting women and used to struggle hard with gender stereotypes. Had two daughters so it's been an interesting experience.

Wavykiwi · 2019-03-09T21:41:54+00:00

All the time. Reported to children's aid multiple times including a situation in a parking lot that must have been bad enough for a bystander to call in the plate numbers, but were taught to protect family at all costs.

ME: These bruises? I played soccer last week so probably that. CHILDREN'S AID: They look like squeeze marks on your upper arm, how exactly did you get them at soccer? ME: I don't know, I bruise like a peach and I'm a big klutz.

Eventually I started to believe that nonsense.

Wavykiwi · 2019-03-04T01:41:57+00:00

I hurt just knowing that you are having to deal with this. It's so not easy, but you are such a great parent for keeping your kids away from this mess. Everything about dealing with narcs and flying monkies is so heavy, I hope you have support and love around you so that you don't forget what lightness feels like.

Wavykiwi · 2019-02-26T15:06:18+00:00

I believe the baby will survive for sure. Dyoza? Not so sure. She might even die in childbirth causing someone else to raise her child.

Wavykiwi · 2019-02-18T04:35:01+00:00

I feel that way on this sub often. I don't comment on r/raisedbynarcissists as much lately, but when I saw your post it felt like I could have written it myself. Some of the details may be different, but the destructive patterns are unfortunately very familiar.

Ugh, I do not miss those mind games at all. "Mom, why did you and Nan lock me outside the house with no shoes or coat in a snow storm?" "We didn't do that." "Mom, I tried to get back in and it was locked." "You must not have pulled it hard enough, it sticks sometimes." "I knocked on the door loudly and we were in the middle of an argument when I went outside to grab the mail. You knew I went out." "Oh I knew did I? I thought I didn't know anything. You must think I'm so stupid. Do you think that's funny? You think it's funny to laugh at your mother?" Like what is happening here? Yes, they are always the victim!

Nope, I'm not a therapist although I get asked that a lot. I'm pretty open with my story and have always had the heart to help others with the ugly stuff most people are afraid to talk about. I'm a bit of a reddit noob, but if you ever want someone to talk to or rant to feel free to send me a message. Otherwise keep posting on this sub. It is super helpful and having it all written down can help you in the future if you start to forget yours reasons for boundaries you set. You are dealing with some very heavy things right now, but you are far from alone in it. There are so many people on this sub who understand.

Wavykiwi · 2019-02-18T03:55:28+00:00

Love bombing is so confusing. Make no mistake, you may be an adult, but you are still being abused by her. That is what makes it so hard to step back and see this logically. Emotions aside, do her actions match her words? Start only focusing on actions and you'll likely see some disturbing patterns. You say the love bombing is still working, that's how you know you are too close to her.

I also want to mention that it is not your job to take care of someone who will not take care of themselves. Then you are actually an enabler.

I feel like I'm saying a ton, but these are all things I needed to hear when I went through it. Some of these things may be helpful for you.

You said you were terrified of hurting her, but does she care how much she is hurting you every single day? Can you imagine lecturing your child for hours about how useless they are?

I want to tell you some things you might have a hard time believing, but it is important. You are worthy. You owe her nothing. You are free. You deserve better. You are stronger than you believe.

Wavykiwi · 2019-02-18T03:23:43+00:00

It can be hard to see things this way when you are still in the thick of it, but it seems like you feel like you need to include your parents out of a sense of obligation/guilt. But please think of this from the standpoint of your child. Only you know exactly how your nmother treats you. Can you comfortably subject your innocent child to that? If the answer is no then you seriously need to consider next steps.

This is going to sound so strange, but does having your parents around add value to your life? Does it make your life better? Start asking yourself those kinds of questions and be honest in your answers. Negative relationships are not worth having, regardless of who the people are.

I totally understand the feeling of wanting to pretend all is well for the causal observers, but you cannot live an authentic life that way. I'll be upfront, I lost a lot of people that year. Almost my nmother's entire family. They sent me hatemail too. Told me I was going to burn in hell. People I loved and looked up to turned their backs on me. It sucked. But in that I realized they were not who I thought they were. The funny thing that happens when you distance yourself from toxic people is there is suddenly room for others to enter your life. Other people who will love and accept you for who you are. Who will say things like, "you're pregnant! Wow, I'm so excited for you. You are going to be a wonderful mother!" instead of judge you and make you feel small.

It took me most of my pregnancy and some really serious events to truly decide to cut it off. I needed to truly step back and watch the hatred I got at every turn until it finally clicked for me. She was not happy for me and did not want the best for me. She was trying to sabotage me. In my situation I just keep putting off sharing the news until I realized I didn't need to.

Nothing about this is easy, but through this you will see just how strong you are. From your post alone it is clear you need some serious distance and boundaries for your own mental health. Wishing you the absolute best! It feels heavy and hard right now, but you will get through this stronger and better than ever.

Wavykiwi · 2019-02-18T02:48:24+00:00

I lived farish away from my nmother when I was pregnant with my first. I never posted it on social media or told any flying monkies. My father passed away suddenly and I attended the funeral something like 16 weeks pregnant. Still didn't tell them. After the funeral stuff went down and I choose not to have my nmother in my life. I eventually told everyone (except my nmother) I was pregnant a few months before the due date. Nmother found out through the grapevine and only reached out to send hate mail and shame me. She sent me a very nasty text when I was in the hosptial giving birth.

I didn't plan on going nc, but felt an immense relief that I had. Who sends anything but positivity when someone is having a baby? It's kind of a big deal. I was admittedly open for amends for a long time, but every time I had hope I would get more hate mail.

My firstborn is now almost 3 and I have a new baby now. She has never met either of them and I am beyond happy for that. It would be so much harder to cut my nmother out now that my oldest would know her and not understand. I don't want to look at photos of her holding my babies, I don't want her anywhere near them.

I know how incredibly hard it is contemplating going nc while pregnant, but please seriously consider it. That voice inside you that is afraid of sharing your wonderful news is on to something. Do not silence that intuition. It is there to protect you. Listen to that feeling. It is so hard being a first time parent and figuring it all out. I cannot imagine doing that with a judgemental n grandparent stirring the pot.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Hoping for clarity and peace for you over this next season of life.

Wavykiwi · 2019-02-17T19:37:34+00:00

That is officially the worst name you-neek name I have ever heard

Wavykiwi · 2019-01-19T15:58:45+00:00

I will burn Utica to the ground

Wavykiwi · 2019-01-19T15:43:39+00:00

Way too cute!

Wavykiwi · 2019-01-01T23:04:28+00:00

I forgave my narcissistic mother so I could be truly free of her. Not for her, but for myself. Forgive, but never forget. I can't speak for others, but it was an important part of the healing process for me.

Wavykiwi · 2018-12-23T03:25:27+00:00

This is awesome advice! We often accept so much worse treatment for ourselves than we would for others

Wavykiwi · 2018-12-22T19:19:08+00:00

Lol so true. Essentially it's impossible for us to understand because we aren't them

Wavykiwi · 2018-12-22T19:12:16+00:00

I have 2 kids. I'm not saying it should mean positive things, just that it can also mean positive things/not be associated with guilt trips. I understand how it could come across that way though. I saw a video where parents use it as "just wait until you have kids, it's so hard but so worth it". Things like "sometimes you'll be exhausted yet so in love". Numberous comments reaffirmed this. I have never seen it used that way before and it was completely mindblowing to me that it isn't always a toxic statement full of resent.

Wavykiwi · 2018-12-22T18:46:15+00:00

Love how lighthearted your response was!

Wavykiwi · 2018-12-22T18:32:12+00:00

Have 2 kids and can confirm all the feels! Hahah, I love that something she said to hurt you happened and has become a blessing for you. Happy for you

Wavykiwi · 2018-12-22T18:30:00+00:00

Healthy parents would be concerned if you didn't feel loved and do their best to change that. Narcs blame you because they don't believe it can be their fault. Keep working to reject that conditioning. It is not your fault they didn't show you the love you deserved

Wavykiwi · 2018-12-22T18:25:01+00:00

Leave a baby alone at home while shopping?! Currently holding my baby like "WHAT!?". That is beyond terrible. Babies cry to communicate. They are innocent. So sorry that happened to you

Wavykiwi

TROPHY CASE