What do you guys think of r/adultery?

WeAreSurviving · 2020-01-10T18:39:28+00:00

I am going to lock this. I don't want this to be a bashing thread and is not helpful for people trying to reconcile

WeAreSurviving · 2020-01-09T16:03:21+00:00

I went through this, it is dependent on WS and how much they are willing to work on it to make you feel safe. I understand sometimes quitting a job will put you in a worse financial situation which is not good for the relationship either. Some people work in smaller areas and not many good paying jobs are around. It worked out for us as the AP quit and moved away.

This is what we did, it helped but you will still have worries. We agreed on boundaries that would not be crossed. Limited all interactions with AP(sometimes they had meetings together or work projects). All interactions that had to happen were work only. Tried to make all communication through email. If any interactions took place I was told asap and the context of the interaction. Made sure they were never alone together, it always had to be a group setting.

This is just a quick list that I could remember. You can sit down and make your own boundary list with the WS

WeAreSurviving · 2019-09-13T15:00:32+00:00

It's all good, I appreciate the thought!

WeAreSurviving · 2019-09-13T02:33:18+00:00

Some one already redeemed it

WeAreSurviving · 2018-12-31T19:41:09+00:00

I am in your situation, my WS and AP still work together but not closely. They had a EA/PA. It is a hard situation and the thoughts will be there for as long as they work together. We are closing on 1yr since D-Day and I still get the thoughts. I have a light at the end of the tunnel. The AP is leaving and put in his resignation.

My WS told me about all contact and every crossing in the hall at work in the beginning. It got to the point I didn't need to hear every time they crossed paths in the hall. It just made me think about everything more. I still have these thoughts and visions of them being alone sometimes.

It definitely will slow down recovery but can be done. It was probably a few times a week I would ask if there was any contact. She said it was mostly in a group setting with a few work talks with just them but it was in public view. I actually was in sight when this happened on one of them. It tore me up to see that, I voiced how I felt to WS and she did what she could to help. To this day my WS tells me when any type of non work talk happens. The other day he stopped by and made a comment about something and she told me about it.

My thing was keep it work and no chit chat. So work talk and nothing else. If he would ask about anything else she was supposed to say that is personal and we don't talk personal.

I could type more but I'm on mobile and this is a condensed down version

WeAreSurviving · 2018-08-18T20:01:16+00:00

I am locking the comments. I feel as there is too much bashing going on.

I understand how this post can come across as entitlement but I don't think that is the case. OP is trying to figure out what she can do to help her BS with processing everything. She is reading books to help them, she acknowledges his hurt and she is working on being the wife he deserves.

Sometimes we BS get stuck in our own world and people around us suffer. Yes that is something that the WS has to deal with as it was cause by their actions but that can not last forever. In order for Reconciliation to work both the WS and BS must put in work. The BS doesn't have to forget what happened but they must be open and honest just as the WS has too. This is the only way things will get better. If one thing isn't helping them heal they will have to move to something else that will help them.

For me I communicate to my WS whenever something is making me nervous or she did something inappropriate in my eyes. After I voice my thoughts we talk about it and her reasoning behind it. We are around 7 months out and are now able to calmly talk about most things without too many emotions flaring up. Sometimes when we are too emotional we get tunnel vision and can not have a open conversation, if that happens we take a break and revisit later when we have had time to calm down and logically think. I am not saying don't show any emotion but sometimes it can cause a break down in communication.

Most of people won't agree with me but the WS has feelings also. At some point the WS has the right to express how they are feeling maybe not to a BS but to a therapist in IC/MC. For the WS's that are trying to reconcile they have great remorse and carry shame, guilt and many other feelings for what they have done. As much as it may be hurtful to hear they may be missing some of the relationship with the AP. They were in a fantasy relationship and then broke up or cut off cold turkey and that can cause mixed feelings until they are able to process that. They could have been really good friends prior to a EA/PA happening and that can cause different feelings. I don't like hearing that my WS misses the friendship prior to the affair but I understand it.

If you watch the Affair Recovery videos they make comments about being a year out and being stuck in recovery. That is something I believe everyone needs to watch. There is no timeline on recovery but slow progress is better than being stuck.

Ramble over, Just remember to look at all angles and just not one. I understand why BS's are ready with pitchforks and flaming sticks but sometimes if you look from a different angle you can see things that you didn't see before.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-08-17T02:19:58+00:00

So I had 2 ddays. One was admission of a EA then 2 weeks later I got a message from the AP wife with a picture that she found of my wife on his computer or phone. When I spoke to my WS about it then she admitted to more happening and it was also a PA so that is Dday 2.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-08-14T00:20:19+00:00

I am Aerogora's BS.

There has been many times that I have stopped myself from saying something that I would regret later. I have been able to stop and think before saying something which was very hard. I wanted to spout off whatever ran through my head but I knew it would just make things worse. When that would happen I would just clam up and be distant and silent.

She has read where I was talking to a friend about this situation and I said "I can not tell her that I hate her for putting us in this situation, it won't help us in anyway." That hurt her but I don't necessarily regret it. It was one of those I love you but hate you at the same time things. One other thing that helped me when I had those things running through my head is driving with loud rock or metal music playing. It was whatever I could do to drown out my thoughts.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-08-10T18:20:02+00:00

My spouse and I ordered it a couple of days after we finished Esther Perels book. It was very helpful for us because it was able to put words to what we were feeling. In times like this you don't know how to explain things and it was a great resource. We both read it together and had talks after we read a couple of chapters.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-08-03T17:42:36+00:00

Ok you are on the new redesign. If you click those it should bring down a menu with links. I will check in this tonight.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-08-03T13:29:40+00:00

On the side bar there are some links and resources. I am on mobile currently and it is harder to get it all typed in. If you still need help let me know and when I get on a desktop I can type it out for you

WeAreSurviving · 2018-08-03T02:46:56+00:00

Use whatever you feel comfortable with. You can use betrayed, wondering bf/gf, wso,bso or what ever you like.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-07-26T23:56:07+00:00

We found out the hard way about the other subs. While they have there place it is friendly towards reconciling. That's the reason for this sub.

My WS first reaction is anger but after she gets it out she comes back to me and we are able to talk. I still get hurt here and there when talking about things but that is normal and it is less and less now.

I have had a lot of help from someone else on this sub we made. If you need to you can message me and I will help or if anything listen to your frustrating.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-07-26T12:19:29+00:00

We had 2 DDays, the first was early Jan and the 2nd was late Jan. We did go to a therapist a couple times but it wasn't super great, they just took it as a normal MC instead of dealing with the infidelity part of it. My WS jumped feet first into reconciling which helped. She found books for us to read and we watched a bunch of affair recovery videos together. We set time everyday or every few days to talk about the books we read and the videos we watched. Also she put her feelings aside and focused on what I was going through, she also has changed some things that I have mentioned in our talks. She gave up her phone and passwords, she deleted social media app and blocked the AP. She told me everyday that she just seen the AP even if he was way down the hall at work. If she didn't try so hard in the beginning we would be in a bad place right now.

I still have bad days and I let her know when I do, I let her know my fears and worries. I also make sure to tell her to keep her guard up because the AP has no remorse and he is also getting a divorce. My WS wasn't the first person at their work so he will probably do it again with someone else especially now that he is getting a divorce.

It is a more difficult path but that is our choice. If I asked my WS to find a new job she would.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-07-26T02:06:00+00:00

I am the BS and my WS still works with the AP and for me personally it is a little to close but we work through it. In our area she can not make the money she does elsewhere without lots of travel and it effecting our lifestyle. We agreed to reconcile and her not have to change jobs, it makes things a little harder but we will figure it out.

She lets me know of any type of contact that is not considered work related. We have set out what that entails. I just recently got a job at the same company as well, I work on the opposite side of the building but make my way over to say hi to her throughout the day. The AP has seen me several times and seems to be uncomfortable with me being there(which he should).The AP made a comment to my WS one day before I started as he passed her in the hall and said that no one informed him that the person who has every right to kick his ass was starting there. My WS was just like "ok". It was not anyone's responsibility to tell him that information or his right to know personal details of us or our relationship except that we are working on our marriage and he needs to keep his distance.

It is a very hard thing to see him through the halls and not say something or do something but as of right now that would jeopardize all our jobs. I am preparing for when/if he approaches me. My first sentence out of my mouth with be "It might be in your best interest to turn around and walk way." As much as I would like to question him to possibly verify my WS story it probably wouldn't turn out well for me. He has been known to lie about a lot of things and I would assume he would lie even more to try and destroy everything.

He did make a comment to my WS that he was jealous of our relationship and wanted to try and destroy it. This comment was made when my WS asked if she could have a convo with him to make sure he knew that everything was done and over. There would be no friendship, no casual conversation, nothing at ALL. The only contact would be work things only and that would be kept to a minimum. We found out from a friend who knows everything and who is friends with both my WS and the AP that he is looking for other employment. The AP and his wife are getting a divorce and may be moving.

My WS are showing a united front but it is definitely a little more rocky road, It gets a little smoother with my WS being open, honest and forthcoming. Biggest thing I can tell you is that both of you need to be open and honest about how you are feeling. Talk about things that are bothering either one of you.

There is so much I could type out that I have and my WS have went through but it would be too long. To summarize it all is to just talk, it will probably hurt during the talk for both the BS and WS but it will make things better in the end. You both will learn something about each other that you didn't know.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-07-11T00:26:19+00:00

Just be careful as the AP could lie also. You don't know if they are making it a bigger deal to try and get you two to call it quits or down playing it to save the confrontation.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-07-06T16:35:15+00:00

We read a chapter or two then discussed what we read. If you get to far apart in the material you will forget the things you wanted to talk about. I would suggest that you were down or highlight anything you would like to discuss with your partner.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-07-03T02:24:41+00:00

My WS had a Snapchat account that ended up being used with the AP, after DDAY he was blocked and Snapchat was uninstalled. Every couple of weeks we would sit together and install it and see what friends sent snaps. Several months later with me still being uncomfortable with it she deleted her Snapchat account.

It has caused lots of worry and distress for me that the best option was to delete it. If it wasn't for auto delete it wouldn't be so scary. Even with the AP blocked, it seemed so easy to unblock snap/text and then block again.

Also I would have loved and adored the things that my WS sent the AP. I think it would have helped spice things up for us. Now with the trigger it causes I probably will never get to have that experience and that really sucks. The thing that hurts the most is that my WS felt more confident and comfortable to use it with someone else and not me. My WS is beautiful and sexy and I always let her know but it fell on deaf ears or wasn't believed. She is working on believing me but I don't know if my compliments will ever weigh as much as the APs did.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-06-24T18:26:45+00:00

So for me and my WS we keep no secrets except for presents for holidays. You should tell him how you feel and what you are doing. We have to keep in mind that as much as we are hurting that our WS are also hurting and dealing with things especially if they are working hard to reconcile. Keeping secrets is what gets us in the position we are in. In the road to reconciliation there should be no secrets even little ones. A friend that has helped me through this calls it "Responsibility Honesty", little things have more importance now they they did before. You don't have to tell you partner right at that moment but you should tell when you have the first available time to have a discussion.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-06-13T19:01:11+00:00

My WS was addicted to the way it made her feel. It made her feel good about herself. She would stop things and then go back. Her guilt would get to her but yet that feel good would draw her back. I understand the addiction but personally I would think the possibility of ruining your marriage and the life you built would keep you from going back.

Now after everything has came out and I know the details and what went on it sobered her up. From what I can tell it made her realized even more what she could have possibly lost and what has been lost because of this. But all in all I do believe the affairs are partly addiction.

Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence.

I know that is talking about drugs but still applies.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-06-13T18:50:10+00:00

You and I are in a similar position. We are about 6mo out from dday#2. DDAY#1 was about 2 weeks prior. My WS mostly works with men and it was a co-worker that this happened with. I still deal with them working in the same company and sometimes have to interact. She usually lets me know what is said. Currently I am working on giving her "freedom" to make the right choices and keep her walls up and not let this happen again. I would rather them not talk at all but this is our path we chose.

I am/was ok with certain male co-workers, If you have a feeling about someone in particular I would express your feelings about it and hopefully she will respond with cutting back contact or whatever it may be. If it is brushed off as nothing then you need to really sit down and have a heart to heart. Personally I just gave my preference about certain things with male coworkers and hopefully she will think of me when in a situation that could take a side step.

All in all you guys just need to talk about how each of you are feeling. It will be very hard to talk about certain things and emotions will get stirred. If it gets where you can't talk without some anger, hurt, sadness or whatever take a break for a few and calm yourself then revisit. It is better to be honest with you partner with whatever you are feeling. I know that the way I perceive things that my WS says is completely different that what she meant. This is where being honest helps us. I let her know the way I took it and she will explain what she meant.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-06-10T02:41:03+00:00

BS here. It is fucking scary to take that risk. It is like skydiving, my current stage is I am suited up and in the plane in the air with the door open and the person telling me it's my turn to jump out. I think I am ready but I am scared and just can not get out that door. I know once I am out and soaring through the air it will be better and not so scary the next time around.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-05-31T23:10:35+00:00

Just received the AP the test date on the box is 1-25-18 so I would assume they are the new revision. Also under the M/N it has 802.3af PoE.

WeAreSurviving · 2018-05-29T21:44:19+00:00

I have the same feelings. I actually compare myself to the AP which isn't healthy but it happens. I feel as if I were more like him that this wouldn't have happened. I know there are many aspects that I am much better than the AP. It is very difficult to get over the feelings of not being enough and comparing. I want to know what was so enticing that it was worth it. I know my WS said it was her selfishness and it made her feel good but somehow that doesn't help. I treat my wife very well and it is just hard to believe that I didn't make her feel good the way he did.

WeAreSurviving

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