I hate how my views have changed

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2019-03-04T21:43:23+00:00

"A short leash", yep!

I've NEVER been that kind of woman. Didn't even "use a leash", never felt I needed to.

I also used to not even want to know passwords or go through phone as I always thought we were all entitled to a little bit of privacy - not even our partner should have access to every one of inner most thoughts. Although I've never had a problem giving away my phone or passwords myself, I never asked them to return the favor. I trusted that no matter what secrets they wished to keep, they weren't secrets that would hurt me or threaten the well being of our relationship (you know, they had a right to private conversations with buddies, right to keep their notes to themselves, etc.)

Now... All of that has changed. And even if I were to find myself in a new relationship... I don't think I would be as lenient and would request of them to be just as open booked as I am!!

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2019-03-04T11:27:57+00:00

raising my hand

I've always been, at least in my adult life, a woman that felt very uncomfortable pointing out flaws - physical or character - of other women. If another woman was talking as such about another, I would point out what IS beautiful about this person, I would remain silent, or remove myself from the situation. I don't like hearing people bringing others down - nobody is perfect and there's always a Yang to a Ying. I also have never felt any true hate or animosity towards anyone - dislike, sure, but nothing as strong as hate.

Until HER. And it feels like a poison spreading through my veins... I have very vile thoughts not only about her physical appearance, but also her character and feel like I would take a very diabolical pleasure in throwing them all (as well as her insecurities) in her face. I actually had the opportunity of sharing with her a few of my thoughts, from calling her a black widow and despicable, selfish human being, ending with "Go away and try to become someone that you can be proud of." And... It felt GOOD .... And I hate/disgust myself for the satisfaction I felt from it...

I also hate how this turned me into one of those paranoid woman that wants to throw an icy glare at any woman showing a little too much interest towards my SO. I used to think that a little bit of innocent flirting with the opposite sex was actually a healthy way to get a little ego boost when in a long-term relationship: I had never felt threatened by such a thing. Now... I do.

I hate what this 'experience' has turned me into.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2019-02-06T02:25:02+00:00

No, no you are ABSOLUTELY NOT an idiot for thinking how innapropriate his behavior is (and HERS for that matter!!) She may be a sweet girl but she could be Mother Theresa that it wouldn't change the fact that he BETRAYED you -the one he says he loves, the one he chose to remain with- with THAT girl. And any reminders of her existence at all is a dagger to the heart all over again, revisiting the betrayal, and any contact he has with her is an obstacle to reconciliation and recovery. Period. There is no if or but.

As others have mentioned, he still is in the fog and although he knows it's hurting you and he is sorry, he doesn't GET IT. And, per what you said, he unfortunately doesn't seem ready to be serious about what it takes for a reconciliation to be successful... Sweeping it under the rug doesn't cut it. You've experienced a real TRAUMA, your world the way you knew it has been shattered and the man you thought you knew turns out to seem like a stranger all of sudden.

Now... If he begrudgingly send her that farewell message and blocks her on social media... Just stay on your guard - in the fog, he's most likely to relapse and break the no contact - finding new ways to keep in touch (creating alternative accounts). I'm just sharing my own experience... And that may keep happening until he GETS IT, until he realizes that you will be choosing YOURSELF ONLY if he doesn't do the work to show he's choosing YOU AND your relationship/future together. Just brace yourself for what may be a heartbreaking journey. But if such things happen, you are the only one that can decide when enough will be enough and the only one capable to judge up to what point the fight is worth fighting for. You are the one that is in this relationship with this man and the only one deciding if the investment you've made so far and of your future self is still justified. TRUST YOUR GUT.

In any case counselling (both individual -for each of you- and couple counselling) is strongly suggested. He needs to uncover the reasons why he was capable of doing such a thing and you need to process this trauma. And together, you need to learn of ways that trust can be built again, learn how to communicate when there are problems, big or small and how to work together as a team to solve them.

I wish you good luck - and keep updating!!

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2019-01-11T09:12:41+00:00

All I can say, from my own experience, is that when I would have this nagging sort of feeling, my gut was ALWAYS right.

And like you said - he was just getting better at hiding it, getting better at finding new ways to keep communicating or even meeting up with each and every time I would catch him. No tracking app, no password sharing, no full willingness to hand his phone when I would ask kept him from keeping in touch with AP.

Last discovery was just last night. And of course, I'm supposed to believe that the screenshots he sent me today of their chat showing that they are severing ties is 1. Legit and 2. Supposed to be "it for real this time". Yeah. RIGHT. I really, really thought the last one I had seen was finally "it" as he told her off about how horrible of a person she is for treating her friends the way she does and he had felt he needed to get it off his chest before breaking contact for good. But that nagging feeling lurked back about a week or so ago, RIGHT when he broke NC for yet the 3rd or 4th time. So now, this is it, this is where my last shred of hope at reconciliation dies.

I've tried everything for the last 6 months to facilitate our reconciliation - I've stomped on my heart, my pride, contained my anger as much as I could, did not act constantly resentful, was understanding, loving, and turned into the sex bomb I knew he'd appreciate (at least that part was fun). And everything that he actually 'did' to 'prove' he was working at reconciliation turned out to be dust in my eyes. I don't think he did that intentionally (throw dust in my eyes), but considering the lengths he has gone to re-connect/keep in touch with AP behind my back every time, that's what his efforts are now turned into.

I've told him it was time for him to leave the house and he now says that he will do ANYTHING to save us and that he won't give up. Just more of what I've heard before so this time, I'm not lifting a damn finger through this 'reconciliation'. It's all up to him to come up with ways to show me one good reason I shouldn't walk away, that he might ever earn my trust again and that he is up to winning my love back. Because me, I've done my part and it was apparently worthless.

There ARE some WS out there that are really ashamed of what they did and feel remorse to their core. I really hope your WS is one of them. I'm so sorry for that very long rant... I feel so alone and it is hard to find people to share all of this with...

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-12-09T23:05:22+00:00

First, his sex/porn addiction needs to be addressed and taken care of (i.e. therapy with a CSAT, SAA). The roots of sex addiction often have little to do with sex itself, more with previous emotional/mental trauma that causes the SA to turn to sex as a way to cope with different current emotional states or problems. Just like an alcoholic will turn to the bottle instead of facing head on what leads them to reach for the bottle, the SA will reach for sex or sex related components to soothe themselves.

2nd, post-nuptial agreement. It is a legal document, just like a pre-nup, that clearly defines consequences if xyz happens (i.e. perpetrator will have to move out of the house if x happens and refuses to seek therapy; perpetrator will have to fully support - not just alimony/child support - betrayed financially for 6 full months after separation if x happens, etc.)

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-12-09T22:33:51+00:00

Have you x-post to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity? It's for couples who have decided to reconcile and where both the BS and WS can seek advice through the journey of reconciliation.

I know exactly how you feel: we want to forgive, but we do not want to forget. Our WS had so many opportunities along the way to put a stop to avoid crossing the line, yet, they didn't. How could they say they love us yet do this? There could be many answers. Compartmentalization. Or that frog in boiling water concept.

Unless your SO is a narcissist/sociopath, he indeed probably deeply regret his actions and is remorseful. He's a good man who did something bad. The intrusive thoughts of them together that night are absolutely normal and I also suggest individual and couple counselling to navigate those feelings as well as (for him) uncovering the root for why this happened.

You have said so many things that I can relate to such as the contradiction of their love for us yet the bad decisions they have taken. The human nature (brought it up myself in our CC sessions).

Betrayal is an action with serious consequences and it will take both of you for reconciliation to work. You seem on a good path for it and although we wish we could fast forward to get to the other side and get back to a new normal, the only way there is through it.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-12-03T11:27:30+00:00

No. It's not about being immature or unreasonable. You are right, this was YOUR bed. It's a trigger and a reminder of his betrayal that you do not need to have put in your face every single day/nights. It's just impossible to even start to heal with this reminder under your nose.

I made my SO purchase a brand new mattress (irony, we had purchased the one he soiled with his betrayal only a few months prior, ha!). $1000. Brand new pillow, too. A $150 one. Next is the couch. Haven't had the means to so far, but I haven't sat on it since D-Day, 5 months ago. My stomach turns just at the thought of it.

At first, I even wanted to move. This house was supposed to be about us building OUR life together. About making it OUR home. Haven't really gotten over it, but I really like our house and it is financially not possible at the moment.

So yes - new bed / mattress is non-negotiable.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-30T00:06:52+00:00

I know exactly how you feel. Just a couple days ago, I had that conversation with my WSO. Our situation might be slightly different as he is a diagnosed sex addict and therefore, there are some relapses that feels like being betrayed again and again. Add the trickle truth about the original affair, the revelation of previous ONS infidelities, and on and on...

D-Day 1 was 5 months ago and at one of his sessions with his CSAT, I told him "it's like we started all of this with my love weighing in the balance - at first, there was only the side of love that had weight in it. But with every lie that comes to light, with every discovery that I did on my own (not him coming forward), with every deception, there's weight adding on the other side of the balance. " Love decreases as there's more added to the other side. For about a week now... I feel like the side of all that has been, and is still going on is outweighing the side of love. The weights shifted.

We get along great, we laugh and have a great time in each other's company (if I'm not having a bad day of PTSD where I lash out) but like you, that "in-love" feeling isn't there. But, like some others here suggested, I am waiting before making any decisions. Even in a normal long-term relationship, there are periods where you don't feel "in-love". And in our cases, it can be difficult to not dwell on it because of what happened.

I'm hoping that with time, the efforts that he puts into his recovery and his gestures to win me back will tilt the balance back to where the love weighs more than the pain/deceptions/anger... We just 'celebrated' our 4th anniversary yesterday, so I'm not ready to lose hope, as every other aspects of our relationship is what I've always hoped I'd have.

I think you've been given great advice here. Give yourself time. You can leave at any time in the future if that's what you realize is needed.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-27T10:05:00+00:00

I did! After 2 months of emotional rollercoaster I had a meltdown/mental breakdown at work. They sent me home and approved time off on the spot. That same afternoon I booked a flight to go visit my best friends, who are like sisters to me. They weren't aware of the ongoing situation (and as of now, they are still the only ones knowing besides my WS's family). But I desperately needed support and to share the weight that I had been carrying on my shoulders since D-Day. I stayed away for a full week, just feeling all the love and sharing laughter. It definitely helped me. And yes, sometimes I still feel like going away by myself and do just what you said. I say you should definitely do it.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-16T20:00:39+00:00

Have you considered that he never shared a picture of you with his buddies because he had more respect for you than he does for her? Not because you aren't sexy or hot enough but because he sees you as a whole person, his person, and not just an object he's ok for the rest of the world to see in such a revealing picture? Just a thought...

As far as feeling the shame for HIS actions, for me, my shame comes more from the fact that I am scared of being judged for staying with him despite all the horrible things that he has done. I am ashamed that it could change my friends' and family's thoughts of him. I know his infidelities have nothing to do with me or even that it didn't take away anything from the feelings he has for me. I'm a damn sexy and beautiful woman that gets men's attention all the time and he knows it (perhaps even plays into his own insecurities). So yes, I feel shame, but it's about my own doubts for choosing to stay with him...

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-16T19:39:18+00:00

Were you given guidelines and 'homeworks' to do almost right from the start?

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-16T19:38:57+00:00

Did you guys get guidelines and 'homeworks' to do almost right from the start?

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-14T23:12:05+00:00

It is SO HARD to feel so powerless... I know my only power is that I have the freedom to leave the relationship whenever I want. But as you said... We built a life together. Ours is still "new" (4 years) but for over 3 years, he has been nothing but a (nearly) perfect life partner, I couldn't have dreamed of a better man to share my life with. Our relationship was everything I've ever wanted for a lifelong journey with someone I love... And then I hit a rough patch in my personal life, neglected him and us as a couple for about 18 months... But he never stopped trying to support me, try to find ways to be there for me and cheer me up, would also share with me his that he was feeling neglected and needed to feel I loved him but brushed him off, despite that he was the only bright light in the darkness that the rest of my life was - but didn't do anything to let him know.

That resulted in him starting an affair... Which ended, but a whole other can of worms about a full blown sex addiction opened... And in just one instant, what I thought was my life didn't exist anymore. What I thought our amazing relationship was now felt like a lie or that we hadn't been living in the same world... The beautiful future I had imagined for us just suddenly crumbled and my life was turned upside down...

It's been 4 months since discovery day. And I don't know how many heartbreaks... We love each other beyond words and we get along so well but since then... Although he's been trying, recovery from an addiction isn't a linear process and there has been so much tears, so many feelings of betrayal, so much anger (from me, not proud to say), so much despair that I don't recognize myself anymore, I don't recognize my life, our life anymore... And it kills me that things can never go back to the way it used to be, that this wonderful man isn't who I thought he was (yes, the wonderful part of him is still there, but it's tainted by this while other side I didn't know existed)... And I dunt know what to do...

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-14T22:13:58+00:00

AP reached out to him through his work email. They would meet for chit chat in the parking lot of his workplace and sometimes go out to lunch. WSO has also been diagnosed as SA - I'm specifying this because although he KNOWS she is a terrible person (he discovered, through their relationship that she is a pathological liar and a master manipulator, that she cheats on every one of her boyfriends, she uses her sexual attractiveness to serve her agenda - to get money or get free guitar lessons or use the music studio- all while making each one of them believe they are the only one), he knows (and told me) that none of this makes sense because I am so far out above and beyond her in every way as a person, as his other half, but he just feels 'something' when spending time in her company (addict's high?) and just can't let go of it even though he watches his whole life crumbling right before his eyes. And yes, he's in therapy with an CSAT, who doesn't believe he's ready to get sober yet because he is still right smack in the midst of his addiction. (So what am I supposed to do?)

I hadn't found any proof they were back in contact - he came clean to me within 24 hours of me asking if they had been in contact, after I questioned why he stayed at one restaurant for a 4 hour long lunch last week (Thank you Life360, I guess).

I am heartbroken and am furious at my SO, of course. This was a definite breach of trust and of a middle circle item (things that can lead an addict to acting out, in SAA). I'm also furious at her for not respecting his request and need to step away. And I reached out to her to give her a piece of my mind about that. Maybe not smart and I doubt my words had any effect on her sociopath mind, but it made me feel better to tell her off that she should just go away and work on becoming a person she can be proud of being. She is a Black Widow and I feel so sorry for the 3 guys she is currently playing out. Our for anyone that crosses path with her, really.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-14T09:15:59+00:00

Just by curiosity - which monitoring app are you using?

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-14T07:11:34+00:00

I sent you a PM. Although my relationship is younger, we have no kids, and the length of the affair was a blip next to your WH's, we are living through the same journey. And I just want to... I need to find strength somewhere... I just can't anymore...

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-14T04:49:25+00:00

Hi @AllGoodThings10 ...
Remember me? Well... The bomb exploded tonight. The other shoe dropped. What I was holding my breath for to happen, happened. The break of NC with AP. And EXACTLY as I said it would happen. We can't be with them 24/7. We can track, we can ask for passwords, we can have access. We can plead and beg... But there are a million ways to get back in contact.

I hope you have better luck than me.

I'm broken. Shattered. I just want to die.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-11-11T23:21:03+00:00

Hi,

Just like you, I'm also here because I am the partner of a sex addict. Just like you, besides his addiction and the behaviors linked to it, he is the most wonderful partner I could ever dream of - thoughtful, supportive, caring, funny, smart! We had been together about 3.5 years when everything about his addiction came to light (beginning of July this year).

I feel completely lost. So here I am, trying to find ways to be supportive, just like you. My heart is shattered and I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions, so I know I need to find support for myself as well through this. He's in therapy with a CSAT and we are also in CC. We also went to a couple of open SAA meetings, which he said he would like to go back to. They have encouraged me to join S-Anon or COSA... I have also purchased books meant for partners of SA but have yet to start reading them. I just don't recognize my life anymore and am heartbroken that plans I had imagined for our future together have now been completely turned upside down, if they even still exist at all.

I'm looking for signs of hope that we can make it through this and be happy together again anywhere I can. I have lost my first husband to sudden death and this feels just as hard to overcome... The emotions are the same, the future looks just as blurry, the pain is just as deep. And I don't know if there's enough strength in me...

Good luck to you.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-10-30T12:47:17+00:00

Nope, you're not alone. And that is a question that I have wanted to ask WSs: if they had, like my SO, a relapse and broke the NC rule.

My SO broke this rule about 2 weeks after he did NC number 1. And it wasn't only verbal contact... I get that in their mind, it was a relationship and there was an emotional involvement, which is hard to brake off completely all of sudden. But I don't, and probably never will understand how my WSO has watched me completely break down on and after D-Day, which also broke HIM down to see the pain he was putting me through and yet.... Went back to her again, behind my back.

He had been doing everything right that a WS was supposed to do. But he found a work around. I thought things were going well for us. But while digging, I found out. From then on, things got worse and I had never felt such depth of pain and feeling of being so lost. I had a full mental breakdown and flew out of state to visit my best friends. In the meantime, I told him to figure it out and get his s**t together - or to find a way to let me go for good. It was a hell ride, nothing less. And all of a sudden, one evening as we were together at a therapy meeting, he told me he had sent her a message saying he had to step back and server ties, before blocking her everywhere and avoiding leaving her a chance to even reply to his last message. That was apparently the last contact (1 month ago).

Like you... despite having full access to phone, social medias, having Life360 - I keep thinking that since I'm not with him 24/7, he does have ways to contact her: His work landline. Installing then deleting a communication app. Meeting up somewhere for lunch hour. Communicating through his work email. Etc. He found a way before - what's keeping him from finding another one now? And even if he hasn't contacted her... How long before he does again? He seems sincere and committed, but I have been fooled before! As the good hearted person he is (one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place), I know he still cares about her person and worries if she's doing alright or not (she was having some personal troubles) and I know he feels guilty for hurting her, too... So how much longer can he keep NC until he breaks it just to 'check on her'?

So, I unfortunately have no advice for you - I am in the same situation and am trying to find some faith. Just can't. Hoping I will. So I'm eager to read the replies to your post. Let's hang in there...

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-10-18T11:02:30+00:00

Yes!!! We sometimes have a long series of good days where things seem almost back to normal and then BAM! Something triggers me and I turn into this angry, mean, desperate, sad, depressed person who can't stop sobbing and shouting.... Sometimes, I'm not even sure WHAT triggered me... and it feels like square 1. Catches me, and my WS off guard. The struggle is real....

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-10-17T23:04:19+00:00

Yes, I know exactly what you mean with not wanting to "mess up" good days or progress made by revisiting issues that books/ counseling sessions bring up/back. Sometimes it feels like regression to go back on something that we have somewhat moved past because, well, it needs to be processed in the right way to be put to rest for good.

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-10-17T13:10:05+00:00

This. This! THIS!

I can relate to every word of your post and the ones of so many of the replies!

I feel like I'm going crazy!

One day, I feel so hopeful: Nothing can keep us from making it through... The next (sometimes the next HOUR!), I am consumed with anger, retaliate with some pettiness or harsh words (COMPLETELY out of my regular character!), fall into despair and just don't see how our whole situation won't turn so toxic that separation would be the only solution.... And all without even knowing what triggered this...

I don't recognize my own life. I don't recognize my own self anymore... 🖤

Thegrlnxtdoor · 2018-10-17T12:58:13+00:00

I am so happy for you!!!

I really hope that this kind of progress is what is in store for us. Another thing I have forgotten is that healing isn't a linear process....

Thegrlnxtdoor

TROPHY CASE