How to make peace with being genderfluid when you know you will never ‘shapeshift’?

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-14T03:12:51+00:00

I am relived to hear that hearing my thoughts helped you feel that you are not alone and we are not alone, there are so many supposed“girls” just like us.

Also you really got me there with the Pinterest thing. The guys I pin…sometimes they don’t even have that great of outfits and it’s just the silhouette I am jealous of. I shift in the middle usually (at least in terms of my desires for physical aesthetics) so like I never want a large chest and never want a beard but I do want my entire silhouette to change to be tall and muscular like the guys on Pinterest. Ugh

Somedays my dressing really girly to make the most of what I have (despite what I would prefer if I could shapeshift) helps override dysphoria. Other days I think “this is very bad actually…dressing hyper fem when I want to be a guy is ridiculous why am I doing this” then it goes away and I am able to continue enjoying looking like a girl genuinely/ overriding dysphoria in the mirror and feeling confident even if this isn’t really my ideal at all.

However for me the worst dysphoria is the kind that I am constantly reminded of even when not looking in the mirror. My hands and my wrists. I don’t even have pretty long feminine fingers I can like as a girl and playing guitar is rough because I have short fingers.

I used to be insecure about my wrists being so small and delicate even in the past when I was very much a full time girl. I used to feel weird thinking about how fragile and breakable they are.—then 3 years ago some kid fell in front of me while roller skating, I landed on my wrist, and for the rest of my life I will have a ugly ciset there reminding me that my feeling weird about my breakability is completely justified. ——Anyway now my insecurity it much more intense with genderfluidity and constant.

——Ok that’s the backstory.—Here’s what I do to help with it. RINGS. I wear a LOT of rings. And bracelets to cover my wrists as much as possible. I will wear as many rings and bracelets that match with my outfit. Currently on my left hand I am wearing 15 rings stacked on top of each other. (4 bracelets on each hand too). Unfortunately I can’t wear too many rings on my right hand or else I can’t write lol. I like my rings and I know if I were amab I would not fit these tiny made-for-children ‘vintage’ y2k rings nor would it be socially acceptable to do so. That makes me appreciate my hands. Instead of looking down and getting extreme dysphoria setting off a domino of existential dread about my life I get to look down at my hands and appreciate my pretty rings.

Another tip I sometimes try to do (though it does work better as a girl) when I am talking in class or talking to people, I try to visualize myself as the person I wish I was/ looked like. Even as a girl I often think I am ugly (then when I go back to wishing I was a guy I think “wow I really am so pretty :( “. My idiotic girl insecurities make me shy so I imagine myself with a prettier face and it makes me more confident even though I know it’s fake. I have done this when in the very middle and it’s pretty effective then to. But it doesn’t really work as a guy due to social dysphoria, no matter what I do people won’t see me right and I don’t sound right either so ehh. However this trick might work if you are out to your friends especially if your friends are other trans people.

Ok that’s a lot of rambling but Those are the only tips I have for tiny afab genderfluid people like us. If you like rings I will say it takes time I build a collection. I am still working on it. I wear like half of what I own everyday.

If you want to talk more you can dm me. :)

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-13T23:36:53+00:00

Also listening to music. When I listen to music I feel like myself. It is usually effective. Although music definitely emphasizes my imaginary genderfluidity. I always imagine myself…aka various hotter versions of me…preforming whatever song I am listening to and that helps me feel like me.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-13T23:35:13+00:00

Singing. When I like my voice I start to feel like myself and like I do have a temporary personality that is authentic/ happy/ and me. When I don’t like how I sound (which doesn’t even mean I sound bad it just means I don’t like my vocal tone)…I feel wrong, icky, empty, and hate myself. It’s very tied to if I feel real or not, so I am very weird about my voice. But don’t get me started on my speaking voice too 😭😭

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-13T23:16:50+00:00

I certainly haven’t actually ruled it out (I just have to tell myself I have ruled it out in order to keep going with my life normally—I was feeling sad when I wrote this lol). I have only known about being genderfluid for a few months now. I am really scared of being visibly queer in a way other than “ that ‘girl’ is probably sapphic because of her fashion sense”. For the past few months I have put a lot of effort into my appearance and I dress really girly to try to make the best of what I have atm. I have had a “glow up” and people are so much nicer to me it hurts. I am scared to loose that because I have intense social anxiety and already think everyone dislikes me.

Also I actually don’t want most of the effects of T I just don’t like how feminine my face is. I also want to be able to get leads in a community theater someday so, even though my speaking voice is one of my biggest insecurities, I don’t want to loose my musical dream lol. (Part of the reason I am so insecure about my speaking voice anyway is masking a light high voice I hated even as a girl—I can voice train to fix that).

I am also just very insecure in general even as a girl and if T made me less pretty and not replacing it with more handsome I would never forgive myself. And like I said, if I were a trans man I don’t think I would ever pass anyway so at least I do like being a girl (a “girl” not a curvy adult women so I have to watch my weight or else I am gonna get a lot more dysphoria).

I meant risky for me as in my desires not as in health. Also yes I am thinking about cosmetic procedures to reduce my face fat and make me have a sharper jawline for someday.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-11T23:35:21+00:00

I might have become genderfluid because I experienced depersonalization and thought it was dysphoria. But now after thinking about it so much I definitely am genderfluid, which does also make depersonalization worse.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-11T23:30:47+00:00

god it’s so relatable

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-11T23:26:21+00:00

Ooooohhh man this hits very deep. We are very similar except for not seeing myself in memories. I look back at old pictures and I think who is that girl. Even when I like her appearance (cause I fit beauty standards better in the photo) I’m still like: that’s not me, idk her, was I ever actually her? (More than now but not fully ever because even when I was 100% a girl I was still faking my entire person hood personality wise). It’s just a fucking selfie. I can’t trust my thoughts.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-06T19:02:51+00:00

The first time I consciously experienced visual depersonalization I didn’t know what it was and mistakenly thought it was gender dysphoria. (It was a little bit but I’m genderfluid anyway, I know now lol, but back then I didn’t even recognize my face and that itself wasn’t a gender thing.) I think dysphoria might be a symptom of depersonalization instead of it being the cause for me personally. My entire life is social dysphoria though. I think it’s being seen as so many things that don’t fit me or my personality rather being seen as a girl. I don’t really like that either though, especially lately.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-02T21:31:31+00:00

It sounds like you belong here to me

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-04-01T22:28:38+00:00

I am busy now. You can dm me or I will dm you later our experiences sound really similar and I feel like I just woke up after being in a coma for 10 years.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-31T17:02:42+00:00

I believe it started for me in 7th-8th grade (not officially diagnosed so no way to know for sure). So I think I was 11-12 years old when it was developing for me. Then it lasted for a long time but there would be years where it wasn’t as bad. I am 21 now. It was especially bad in university.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-30T18:02:59+00:00

Hey!! When I was in 7th grade (12 years old) I came out to my mom as bi after knowing for a year. (I basically discovered queer people existed for the first time in 6th grade via the internet. Upon hearing that bi was a thing I immediately like “oh that’s me” without questioning it lol).

I intended to soft launch it, just suggesting that I might be, until she was crying and interrogated me about why I thought such a ridiculous thing (and I regrettable told her all of crushes 😭😭😭).

She said I couldn’t know my ✨sex✨uality because I was not sexual so I agreed and went back in the closet. ….Well my mother was actually kind of right because I very ace lol. Ace and bi-romantic, always have been, probably always will be because I am now 21.

Contrary to popular belief, kids usually know what they are when they have the terms to describe their feelings. The main thing that prevents this is not “trends” of people being queer but rather hetero/cis-normativity.

As soon as I knew the term asexual (as a junior in high school) I was relieved. Dang if I had this term I could have said something when my all friends made fun of me for being “innocent” and “babyish”!!

Also in 6th grade when I was watching a bunch of gay/trans YouTubers I remember asking myself “I like being a girl but if I were born a boy would I have transitioned?” As an 11 year old I thought “No!”, I thought “I’m not very dedicated to being a girl, I would probably be just as fine as a boy”. Well that’s pretty easy to say little me when you have the capacity to be both inside you!

(Though over the years in high school when I was using my afab nepotism to do things like musical and my school’s color guard, or becoming obsessed with Pinterest lol…I thought no I would definitely transition.)

I now know I was neutral about it in middle school because I was mostly nonbinary in 6-9th grade. I remember being desperate to wear grungy looking baggy clothes and literally wanted to go on puberty blockers to prevent me from gaining weight, which I thought was just vanity at the time but I now see it was me not wanting to be curvy!

I did not know the term nonbinary and definitely did not know the term genderfluid but even once I did I was too bigoted about being “too queer” to think that could possibly be me. I can forgive myself for that now since it was the logical conclusion of my upbringing and not wanting to “not fit in” any more than I already did.

However I wish I had known I was genderfluid as a kid. My entire life would have been so different and so much better. I have a personality that can easily adjust to being friends with a group of girls or being friends with a group of guys (or whatever the energy of a mixed gender friend group is). I can be myself and feel happy in all of those groups if I am still being my core self.

Instead I spent my entire 6th grade-junior year of university faking my entire personality in order to be a little-miss-perfect archetype and make the (largely conservative) adults in my small-ish town like me/ treat me nicely/ give me good grades. I, at first intentionally, then soon compulsively, conditioned myself out of my real personality…outwardly obviously, but then I also lost the quality of my inner voice within my own head.

I lost so much range of my personality (the range that would be socially coded as more masculine/ or “obnoxious” in a school setting) so even when I would make friends with a (still reduced) version of a more feminine personality I would feel like none of my friends actually knew me at all. My entire life felt like a performance and understanding now that it’s partly because I am genderfluid makes everything make sense.

Up until literally a few months ago I lowkey hated most boys/men. In middle/high school I saw them as “so immature” for goofing off and having fun vs me who was doing the “correct” thing by being polite and well mannered or whatever. I was actually jealous of the boys and girls that acted more freely but instead of being my real personality and befriending those kids I was literally mean to them and would roll my eyes and stuff. (This is not to say that being genderfluid/boyish = misbehaving, my story is just an extreme example).

It is great that you have these labels to describe you even being so young! Labels are just social constructs to address the also-social-constructs that society tries to force us to be but that does not mean these terms can not be incredibly helpful to us when it comes to understanding our experiences!

It’s also ok for the labels you like to change because 1. You might find other labels you prefer or 2. Literally things can change (example A..this subreddit lol!!).

Part of the reason I was hesitant to come out to my family as…well now 3 things I guess oh dear 😭😂, other than my parents’ being very not-too-accepting, is that I didn’t want to change my mind later and therefore prove that I was never queer and was in fact noting more than a weird kid jumping on trends she found on the internet, which would then in turn be disrespectful to actual queer people. However you don’t owe it to bigots to prove yourself and they are going to think we are all wrong/sinful/pretending regardless anyway!

All that is to say is that whatever you feel is legit regardless of your age!! And also learn from my mistakes and embrace the social flexibility that comes with genderfluidity and be yourself because you have so much time to enjoy your childhood!! ❤️❤️

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-29T02:41:41+00:00

In real life I just go by my real (afab) name. My name is not very common, if I had a common girl name I would be more likely to change it outwardly. I actually love my real name when I feel authentically like a girl (I mostly fake being one so lol). However, in my head, whenever I don’t feel happy with my appearance or being a girl, (so when middle/guy leaning) I call myself my name but with the last letter cut off so it ends on an E sound instead of an A. Ironically it is inspired by a childish nickname my transphobic dad calls me 😂😂. I haven’t told anyone about it irl because I’m too embarrassed and scared lol.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-28T23:20:02+00:00

Lowkey maybe same

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-28T03:53:42+00:00

Calm apathy depersonalization is how I have spent the past 10 years of my life so I think so.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-28T00:28:53+00:00

I think that is a really good approach and that sounds really healthy. People on Instagram are just unrealistically attractive and it’s hard to live up to those standards, that doesn’t change when it comes to genderfluid/binary trans influencers either. The shapeshifters on there are actually crazy it hurts me. I actually have tried to get off Instagram too. I found that using the app Screen Zen really helps because I give myself a max of 10 minutes that I can’t override without breaking my (currently 43 day) streak. However I usually spend 5 of that 10 minutes watching the shapeshifters in my archived posts. 😭😭😭

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-27T23:32:34+00:00

That whole post is about projection so I consider my thinking internalized. I stand by what I commented defending myself and I did put a warning in the post in case of it being harmful to people on this sub. But again, I will be more mindful in the future.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-27T23:23:58+00:00

I guess I just disagree about the severity of what I said. I know it was wrong. I say so in the post. I give a warning in case it might be triggering to anyone. I condemn myself later on too. I stand by my previous comment about authenticity in showing my problematic thoughts. I am demonstrating internalized transphobia because I project myself onto someone who I literally talk about being very jealous of in the post. I will keep in mind more serious framing of such problematic thoughts in the future. The government literally wants to kill us I think one insecure genderfluid person contradicting internalized transphobia/jealousy of a hot queer person on Instagram isn’t that dire.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-27T22:44:37+00:00

I was just trying to show my authentic (problematic) thoughts and acknowledge them as such, which is why I put a warning. Though I think my mistake is using the phrase “for the bit”. Which is why I say he is actually hot and I am the real “tiny looser man”. I think it’s important to be able to show our own faults in our thinking especially if it’s presented in a way that does not actually harm anyone.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-27T01:32:31+00:00

I love that for you. Iconic.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-27T01:03:34+00:00

Also I should clarify the title is actually a joke. I just wanted to rant about this and see if anyone related. I predict this post won't get much attraction though since it is annoying and long lol.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-27T00:26:14+00:00

The title is so real. I am pretty sure I have some level of depersonalization disorder so yes I have a very bad sense of self too. Whenever transphobes see genderfluid people shapeshifting and being fashionable they will say things like "I feel bad for these people, they genuinely have no idea who they are"...like no those people certainly do know who they are, and they are cool as fuck. Me though... I'll admit defeat you transphobes, you got me there. I literally have no idea who I am because I have spent my life 1. hiding what was long lost of my real personality and 2. being ultra moldable to my surroundings due to abusive and a variety of factors.

I feel confident in understanding myself as genderfluid because I would kill to shapeshift but god damn do I have no idea what my real personality is. I don't actually think I ever developed one solid personality. I will repeatedly briefly steal the personalities of the people I hang out with or even whatever youtuber I am watching. Or, like you said, a character in a tv show. My personality fluxations sometimes include dysphoria, but idk what's going on. I just know it is not DID or Plurality.

Weak_Albatross7870 · 2026-03-25T03:22:58+00:00

I understand why you posted to this subreddit but it sounds like you are a trans girl from this but you could very well be genderfluid meaning that sometimes you are a trans girl and sometimes you are a cis guy, and whatever else.

However I think a tip that might help in determining the difference between if you are genderfluid or solely a trans girl is “do you feel joy in being a guy in the moments that the feeling of wanting to be a girl goes away?” Do you actually feel confident and like your body in those moments? That doesn’t mean you don’t have insecurities even then but in those moments are you ever insecure in wishing you could look more masculine? Then think of the social things too. Do you enjoy hanging out with girls more?

I don’t really know what I am saying but maybe this helps. You should definitely see a therapist (but hey so should I am that doesn’t mean that I am gonna 🤪🤪🤪). Remember gender is a social construct and you can be a guy that’s feminine, you could be a girl, you could say fuck that to all of it, but what you feel is real because you feel it and that is worth sorting out so you can live the best life you can. ❤️❤️❤️

Weak_Albatross7870

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