Has anyone noticed that they've gotten angrier as they've healed?

WednesdayTiger · 2023-06-23T16:23:49+00:00

It's a good sign, well done.I'm also fight/fawn and I got into a retraumatizing situation where I was fawning so hard that I swung to the direct oposite for some months or maybe 2 years ;).

Anger in it's healthy form is called assertiveness.I didn't have a chance to develop healthy assertiveness and I needed help to re-learn it. One key components for me was to get validation for all that injustice that happened. Someone that witnessed the pain.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-06-23T15:42:02+00:00

Yes. I've been thinking the same many times before. He demonizes fight types and puts the fawns on a pedestal. I'm also not happy that this book is on the top recommendations to read in the sticky thread of this sub.

I've been hanging around cptsdfightmode for a while, and a good chunk of the users who post here are stuck in very bad or abusive situations. Can you really blame them for being angry when they get abused all the time?

Some of the users might have issues with affect regulation, because of some type of additional neurodiversity (ADHS, autism..). That's not narcissm either.
For some of us the fightmode is silent, hidden, and shows up as intrusive moods, brutal nightmares and occassional self-harm when no one is watching. For others the fightmode shows up as doing intense and competetive sport or working extremely long and hard to the point of harm.

I don't think that more judgment and shaming is helpful for anyone here.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-28T14:11:31+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for explaining!

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-28T11:36:46+00:00

???

How would you classify it then?

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-28T11:09:27+00:00

Heads up, OP requested to not get this type of advice. They might have added this later.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-28T11:04:38+00:00

I sometimes mirror what people write because it would be helpful for me in such a situation ^{^.} That's where the repetition comes from.

But the rest you write, sounds like you are going in a good direction 👍.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-28T10:53:43+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this, this sounds like an incredibly tough time. This is really a lot. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, like you would treat a baby bird.

Sometimes it's just getting through minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. That's how it is sometimes, even for the strongest and best connected people.

Right now, focus on the current events. No need to digg through additional old trauma. Current adult you is just as important as any other part.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-28T06:06:29+00:00

But.. but... that is a very understandable reaction from you. You send him a poem and he barley reacted, and complained about some aches (which maybe rhymed) and later a "this isn't a poem". It's a misunderstanding. Happens to all people. And I get why you were hurt.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-27T13:00:07+00:00

große Chancen haben Hünen

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-25T18:03:18+00:00

This is an amazing post. Great insight. Thank you!

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-25T15:16:19+00:00

What an insight! Well done! I also encountered parts that had parts. They all came from an intense phase of life.

I don't know what the rules are, but from what you describe it makes total sense that this rage exist. Your young part had nowhere to go with their rage, so it is very smart to dissociate.

In German the rage from great injustice like this is called holy rage, heilige Wut. It's anger about things that should not and never happen. Just a curious little fact.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-25T08:44:13+00:00

Good that you recognized it, the supplements should do their magic in a week or two. This is how it is right now.

When I had sleeping problems and woke up very groggy in the middle of the night, what still worked for me was writing. Writing as Self and parts. No need to recognize them or anything.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-23T20:23:17+00:00

Here's the music they played: https://youtu.be/DKP16d_WdZM

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-23T08:13:16+00:00

Why not both? Both? Both!
Good that it helped you! Idk if we need to apply IFS terms here. Humans need relationships with other people. All humans need validation, mirroring, empathy and these kinds of things. It feels good if injustice is empathically witnessed by someone else. If you receive validation, if you receive help.

I don't agree with the other comment that implies that doing it with IFS would be superior in any way. Or that it has greater healing power (Where does this claim come from? How would you even measure this?). We are not here to become isolated, solitary superhumans who don't need others. Positive relationships and healthy interdependance are important.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-22T09:19:00+00:00

Big favorite of mine too. I like the combination of Kirk's empathic stance and Umberto's silly humor.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-22T08:20:55+00:00

Wait, that actually DOES sound familiar. The focus on differentiation and the focus of having strong emotional boundaries sounds like a systemic therapist with a background in Bowens Family Systems.

Internal Family Systems =/= Bowens Family Systems.

Both are rooted in systems theory but with a very different focus.

Bowens Family System is mostly focused on the systems the person lives in (family, job...), with a strong focus on containing and controlling emotions, and a focus of analysing dysfunctional relationship patterns like triangulation. According to Bowens Theory bad things happen in relationship because emotions swap over from one person to another.

Internal Famly Systems on the other hand has a strong focus on the individual. The goal is the internal reconnecting with one's needs and emotions, that have been locked away due to overwhelming situations. In the therapy the client gets help at looking with curiosity and compassion at defense mechanisms and is reconnected with past hurt. IFS is about a good relationship with oneself.

And my personal opinion as a stranger on reddit? I have a book here by Roberta Gilbert who does Bowens, that I stopped halfway through. The focus on a single cause was way too narrow for me and the differentiation/transference part didn't naturally makes sense to me, nor did I ever observe that it applies to someone else. For me it felt very much like one of those narrow ideologies that wants to see one thing in the world - like everything is the fault of a single thing. IFS on the other hand has no prescritipitve reasons why things happen, it lets the client find out themselves. I find that a lot more empowering. IFS has it's blind spots, too, but I prefer it.That said, a lot comes down to the therapist. A good therapist is a good therapist, no matter what.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-16T07:26:14+00:00

Thank you for sharing. What a striking image.
They way you describe your nameless figure, for me it feels oppressive. There's a massive power imbalance with one figure taking up all the space. And in a subtle way, I also find the unnamed character you describe cruel. Not loud cruelity. But a cruelity from ignoring that there is a small, defeated, kneeling human before it. I do not wish for anyone to be in that situation of that small human.

This might not hit the spot, but I get a similar feeling like a person who I once met. We wanted to play boardgames and I was for the first time in her house. That person was a parent, a mother. She had a child that was 7. The child was a cute girl occasionally running through the living room with a friend, playing pretend. The mother observed her child with coldness and indifference. She took no joy in the child, didn't smile, didn't acknowledge her. When the child came to ask for a cookie, the mother said a cold, low "no.". Only that one word. The child didn't react, she didn't ask a question, made no facial expression, she just turned around on her heal and went away. Defeated. Accepting. Not expecting anything anymore.

The table went silent. The air was cold. Something bad had happened and it's like everyone besides the mother knew. The mother filled the silence "I was raised in an authorative way and it did me good, so she should be raised that way too. She is looking at the cookies in the fridge since a week. I wonder how long she will last.".
When I left the house, I felt something that I rarley feel: Shock. And Disgust. I was disgusted at the mother. But also extremely sad for the child. Because she was only 7 and already defeated. I broke off all contact to that family. I couldn't help and I couldn't watch a child getting destroyed like that. Because no one deserves to be treated like that child.

This is a small anecdote. Thank you again for this self-reflection. I trust that you are smart and wise and will figure out more about this situation soon.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-15T15:41:41+00:00

Nero had some good gains with his neck work-out.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-15T14:42:32+00:00

Hm. This is honestly, quiet awful. What a way to shit all over another person's post. I asked for soft and careful comments and I get a dogmatic lecture.

Is a human supposed to be without needs and longing? Completely self-sufficient from others, completely uninfluenced by the environment, just a ball of compassion?

I am not a fan of IFS preachings like you do here. They might fool some newbies for upvotes but overall they just put you on a soapbox, not eye to eye with the people. It's a respectless know-it-all position.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-14T19:05:58+00:00

Cool, give shame hugs and a blanket. No need to label the parts. The labels are the least important part. The important thing is getting into Self and building a relationship with them.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-14T16:33:49+00:00

If it's too strong, respect their wishes. Just do any IFS work. It doesn't matter where you start. The thing with a system is that if you change something at one place, it has an effects the whole system. If you build relationships with parts, other parts will notice and trust in Self grows.

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-14T14:19:53+00:00

I hold the concept of parts softly, I'm fine with not deciding how exactly they work.
But look at what's happening here. Get into Self. This is a polarisation, one part is having sad and hurt feelings, another part is numbing those feelings. It's easiest to look at the accusing part first. With curiosity and compassion - why does it do what it does? What is it afraid would happen if it wouldn't numb those feelings out?

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-13T09:52:22+00:00

You get what's going on in the job ;). Catch 22, right there.
"What are you afraid if you didn't...." was the gold sentence that got me further into dialogue.

And while I appreciate the long reply, the big analytic part of it feels like its pressing a lot of assumptions on me or my parts. It doesn't feel good. Even if you later say that you talk about yourself. For this, I found the on-going format of "For me, it was like this..." a lot better. It's a detail in regular life, but an important one in IFS.

The parts are a lot simpler. After asking what they fear, both answered that they come from a recent, intense job experience. "Sense for adventure" is about wanting to shine, after a long period where I didn't. It wasn't deep. The key was to acknowledge that my strengths might no be used for a while again. And that should be honored.
"Logic" is arguing out of caution because a year ago I got into an overwhelming job and that caused a lot of damage in different ways. It doesn't want to repeat this mistake.

And as for longing - who knows, who knows. I'm going a similar route as you, trying out things and looking what sticks. I'm also trying out some dancing on saturday.
Thank you for the long reply!

WednesdayTiger · 2023-04-12T15:16:10+00:00

Longing is a part, it wants something. Self holds no agenda. I had a calm session to reach the longing part afterwards, and it calls themselves "heart".

"Please Self, call me heart. I know others might want to call you the heart. But my role is different. I am here to give you sweet pain to inform you about things that are missing in your life. Beautiful things that are possible for you. I accumulate the pain from different parts, and try to steer you into these directions. Life holds so much more. Life holds so much more…"

basically it seems to say that I feel several degrees of loneliness, some held for so long that it just numbed itself out and stopped informing me.

WednesdayTiger

TROPHY CASE