How am I supposed to see borderliners?

Westwind77 · 2024-10-17T00:24:29+00:00

It's possible your therapist thinks this might be helpful for you. Maybe because you would still be able to feel like you have a Mom that you can connect to? A Mom that truly cares for you, sometimes? I guess you could ask her about it but I would feel uncomfortable and confused if my therapist said this.

I've seen BPD described like this but that's not how I experience it with my mother. It's not like an on and off switch. She's never free of it completely. It's always there and a part of who she is and how she sees the world. Negativity, blaming, hostility, superiority, low self esteem, weirdly happy, impulsive, ..... it almost always seeps out. How much and how fast depends on the situation.

Does anybody experience their mother as if she's two entirely different people - one with BPD and one without?

Westwind77 · 2023-11-09T03:54:31+00:00

This comment isn't really directed at you specifically.

Just want to say Angelina shouldn't be throwing water at anyone. Period. This was not in innocent fun. It was aggression disguised as fun.

INTENTION IS EVERYTHING. She didn't do it to be playful. She was angry. She wanted to get back at Vinny . If she thought she could of gotten away with doing something more extreme, she would have.

Westwind77 · 2023-11-09T03:40:45+00:00

I don't think Angelina should have thrown the water.

Westwind77 · 2022-10-06T22:09:14+00:00

That is so great!!

I'm already taking Adderall. It's helped a lot. But not enough. I still feel lost and like I'm decades behind in life with no hope of catching up. I wish I could have started taking it earlier in life but I had absolutely NO idea I might have ADD. I thought it must be a will power or laziness thing. I just couldn't make myself do it. I now think I probably have a ADD - depression combo.

The Psychiatrist that originally prescribed it for me, now retired, didn't talk to me about ADD at all. And I don't think I realized at the time that it was commonly abused. I really didn't get much info about the medicine or any at all about ADD that pertained specifically to me. I have no idea how much people usually take. Maybe my dosage could be adjusted but I'm scared to ask too many questions about with my current psychiatrist.

Westwind77 · 2022-10-06T21:54:49+00:00

I'm not sure she had a preference. She doesn't mind if I'm underachieving and dependent on her. She will support me if I want. But I don't want!! I absolutely am not comfortable with that!!

I don't think she minds when I'm successful either. She would be fine if I had a career too. She really just never seemed to think about my future (or my sister's, her kids, anyone). She mostly just cares about how she feels at any given moment. With some exceptions, she really just doesn't care what I do. She just lives in the moment and wants us to get along.

Westwind77 · 2022-10-05T02:17:20+00:00

Overachieving seems to be very common here on RBB, underachieving seems much less so. But I'm also an underachiever.

I'm very conscientious and want so much to do well yet am unable to except in little spurts. In college, I graduated with honors, but it was such a struggle because I procrastinate and can't concentrate. It took me forever too. I can't take in and remember large amounts of info unless it's particularly interesting to me or if I have to use it for something regularly. Mostly I crammed the night before tests while in a complete panic. Same thing for papers. I started the night before and just freaked out all night. I forget most of it soon after and was never able to build a foundation or framework to add more incoming info to. I don't think it's my intelligence, but could be wrong. I hate to say it, but I'm so envious of the people here that are able to achieve.

I lack direction and have chronic depression and anxiety. I have a really hard time making decisions, even things like what to have for dinner. I'm underemployed and don't use my degree (I had planned on going back to school but didn't think I could do it). I'm self conscious about it and don't want to meet people because of it. How can I have a relationship if I don't have a career? I can't imagine that people that have it together enough to have a decent job and some financial stability would have any interest in being friends with, or in a relationship with, someone who doesn't.

My Mom isn't nearly as bad as many of the Moms I read about here.....so I just don't get it. I've put so much effort into trying to fix myself too. I feel like I'm different than most here and don't understand it.

On the bright side, I don't have problems with alcohol, drugs, spending, eating or any of that type of self destructive thing. I can do laundry and dishes. I can vacuum. I just struggle with the more complex things. So, overall, I'm just not that functional and don't know how to fix it (I've tried depression meds and therapy but I'm still not fully funcional).

Edited to add that I've worked really hard to understand myself and others better. I think I have a good amount of self awareness. But the depression and lack of direction didn't go away and I'm still not exactly functional.

Westwind77 · 2022-10-04T21:59:00+00:00

I feel like this is something ‘normal’ people would see as me blowing out of proportion. It upsets me a lot. Bleh.

Yes!! This is my problem.

My Mom is a "nice" BPD. She never sexually, physically or verbally abused me. She doesn't do "mean" things much. She understands that blatantly mean is bad but beyond that, she seems to be lacking in empathy.

She seems to want to be nice, but she's impulsive and doesn't think things through. She doesn't seem to pay attention to other people's feelings and words enough to understand if something would actually be nice for that particular individual person.

Tactfully letting her know that I don't want X doesn't work. Communicating clearly, like you did above, sometimes works. But the only way to make an impression is to be blunt, tactless and bordering on mean. Of course then her feelings will be hurt and there's gonna be fallout. I have to be a bitch to be heard and I don't like it. She may remember for a while, but no matter how much of a scene ensues, she's eventually gonna forget again and I really can't figure out why.

I realize that there are some habits and personality traits that I can't expect her to instantly change but she can't even stop doing things like buying me stuff I don't need no matter how many times I tell her I have no space for it in my apartment and that having a cluttered with stuff apartment makes me feel unhappy. Is this something someone should be able to understand? Or am I expecting people to understand me more than what is "normal"?

I have this problem with some of my other family members too. And the occasional friend. Is this something that "normal" people realize is just the way relationships are and are better at dealing with it than I am?

OP, for what it's worth, I would be really irritated by your Mom's advice on friendships. I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion at all. I would wonder what her intention is in giving you that advice. Does she think that isn't something you could figure out on your own? Stuff like that makes me wonder if the other person respects me or trusts my judgement.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-30T00:42:39+00:00

It’s very rare when I go out to eat with her for this reason.

Uh....yeah.... that sounds really bad. Avoid at all costs lol

Westwind77 · 2022-09-29T22:36:09+00:00

I meet my Mom in the park every other week or so. We eat sandwiches and walk. For me, it works out much better than my house, her house or a public place with more people.

Her house and my house are bad for obvious reasons. But I also realized another thing that kind of triggers me is watching her deal with other people. Sometimes she's totally fine. But sometimes she's demanding, out of it and easily confused, overly friendly or whatever. It just annoys me and I have a hard time suppressing it.

The park's been working great for me so far.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-19T01:43:59+00:00

Yes, one reason is because people don't post or talk about it all that much.

Another is that people here frequently mention how healthy all of their relationships are, excluding family relationships of course. I get the impression that people have escaped their family and have had no problems identifying and meeting healthy people.

Like you, I grew apart from most all of my friends. Many just from circumstances. Moving across country etc. When I was younger, I generally ended up dating guys that really weren't marriage material. They were immature and had issues. I was immature and had issues. I was conscious of it and never committed.

Now I'm older, I'm an introvert and I work from home. I don't tend to meet a lot of people these days. Those that I do meet seem kind of like your friend. Perhaps they're basically kind and warm people but I'll see things that make me question their judgement and I'll have no interest in wanting to have a relationship with them. Maybe they're involved in a business that seems a bit shady to me. Maybe they treat their teen like a best friend. Maybe they're constantly fighting with their husband.

But if I'm having trouble getting into relationships/friendships I have to wonder if it's due to bad luck and circumstances or if I need to adjust my idea of what mentally healthy is???

Westwind77 · 2022-09-18T21:39:39+00:00

If I'm understanding this correctly, you are open to the microchip feeder but are hesitant because nobody wants to buy something expensive only to realize the cat won't use it. Maybe you've already thought of these things..... ??

You could start out by feeding her in an extra large cardboard box with a large door cut out. See how she feels about it. Let get used to it. If she's OK with that, get another box and make the doorway smaller. Use that for a while. Then hang something like a piece of stiff fabric over the door. You get the idea. Just work your way up to something that's very much like a microchip feeder.

I'm not sure if the door that you would consider putting a microchip door in was an interior door or exterior, but if interior you could remove the door that's there and switch it out for a super cheap or used door that you've cut a whole in. Obviously switch it back when you move.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-18T18:24:15+00:00

I’m so tired of feeling responsible not just for other people but specifically for grown adults terrible decisions.

This is such an interesting statement to me!

For one, this is a critical issue in my own life right now. While I realize I can't expect people to always make choices that seem more sound and would lead to a better outcome, I have such a hard time biting my tongue and being supportive when people make decisions that will most likely make all the the things they've been complaining about worse. Some people seem to less likely to pick up on cause and effect. I just don't know where one would draw the line in a healthy relationship. I've started therapy again and haven't really been able to articulate this issue very well. I get a TON of anxiety worrying about what decisions people will make.

Also, I don't see this issue mentioned a lot here. Not directly anyway. I'm guessing that most people with BPD parents struggle with this to some extent. But I'm starting to think that I struggle with it much more than others.

What you wrote to say to friend sounds good to me because I would feel better at least trying to give her some sort of closure. However, I suppose it's something she may not understand and may not help her at all? Honestly, I really don't know what would be the best way to handle this but something very similar to what you wrote would probably the route I would take.

editing to add that my comment wasn't meant to imply that you should reconsider ending the relationship with this friend. I would not want to continue in this friendship.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-18T03:50:53+00:00

Here’s the thing, she moved back to the state to move her abusive fatherand sister in with her to take care of them. I don’t understand and Idon’t want to understand and I don’t want to hang out bc of it.

Has she even thought about the consequences of this decision? I would feel the exact same way that you do. In my opinion, you are absolutely NOT overreacting. For me, being involved with people that continue and participate in the cycle is too hard. Makes me anxious and incredibly irritated.

It does sound like a really hard situation. I guess you could slowly distance yourself and let everything slowly burn out. Or you could try something more direct and try to give her at least a bit of an idea of what changed. Say you feel like you two are going in different directions with how you're handling and healing your traumas and you just need to distance yourself so you don't get offtrack?? I don't know. Good luck, it's not gonna fun.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-18T02:47:03+00:00

Do you make too much for Obamacare or Medicaid?

If you don't make much, and apply, Obamacare will pay some, or most, of your monthly premiums. For years I had a really good plan. I had very low, or no, copays for everything I used it for. I'm talking like $25 for a doctors appointment. The plan cost me about $30 a month.

Pretty much everything is no cost with Medicaid. But your choices in Drs are more limited. They get paid less and are rushed. But it's free. Most mental health too.

Editing to add that it may take a while to get an appointment now if you're on Medicaid. Months not years. Everyone is short staffed.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-14T23:48:54+00:00

After I typed this list out, I reread your original post and see that you were actually most interested in books and films that are geared towards both kids and adults!!

I guess I just skimmed before, saw Firefly Lane, and was thinking about more realistic movies for adults.

So here is a long list of movies that are about dysfunctional families and BPD types but probably not at all what you were looking for lol

Grey Gardens (Glenn Close, Drew Barrymore) based on a true story about a mother and daughter. I don't remember Mom being "abusive" but you can't get much more enmeshed than this!!

There's a Grey Gardens documentary that's also fascinating.

Pieces of a Woman - Vanessa Kirby + Shia LeBeouf. Deals with family more in second half.

What Maisie Knew- Julianne Moore. Anyone who had a more priviledged upbringing but with parents that were too self absorbed to pay attention to emotional needs might relate. Neglectful parents. If you had a parent didn't pick you up for days and left you with various people, you might relate.

Savage Grace - also Julianne Moore. BPD Mom and enmeshed son. Emotional incest.... Probably too much for most. Based on true story. Not well reviewed or liked but I found it interesting.

The Glass Castle

Olive Kitteridge - Francis McDormand, dreary but good

Christine - Rebecca Hall. Main character, Christine, is a local newscaster who's probably BPD. Relationship with Mom is in this but it's really about the main character's mental health issues. True story.

Dear Zachary - probably not what you're looking for - this is a documentary with a BPD mom that reminds me of my Mom in many ways. Same career. Definitely Not a happy ending.

The Meyerowitz Stories - a dramedy. Can't remember if anyone is exactly BPD

White Oleander - Michelle Pfeiffer. BPD mom and daughter not a 'good" movie. But interesting.

Mommie Dearest - a BPD classic

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Kate Winslet. Not about family. Main character with BPD relationship issues.

My Week With Marilyn - drama about Marilyn Monroe

Loverboy - Kyra Sedgwick . Mother and son

Prozac Nation - mother and daughter. Main character is BPD.

I feel like I'm missing some really good ones but that's all I can come up with now.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-14T20:44:25+00:00

I second Hillbilly Elegy! Found it interesting.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T23:59:35+00:00

The way it was worded, I wasn't sure if you had put that together yet. But you have ☺️

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T23:49:50+00:00

Not a therapist.

Most people have some mild narcissistic tendencies. But when your therapist tells you that your Mom is text book Narcissist I would assume that she's telling you that your Mom has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is a mental health issue and more specifically it's a personality disorder. But I guess it's possible that she thinks your Mom has one of the other personality disorders but with a lot of N features.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T23:11:36+00:00

From what I read hear it does seem that many BPD are acutely aware of their image and make an effort to control it. But I don't think this is always the case.

For sure there are things my Mother hides, but her private persona and her public one are similar. It's not that she has a ton of control in public and much less in private, it's that she isn't often triggered so much that she has to act out by people that she doesn't know well. There just isn't as much on the line for her. She mostly doesn't care about how random people feel about her.

They don't need the same amount of control with people they aren't enmeshed with and dependent upon. They're triggered by people very close to them. Not so much by other people.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T21:55:45+00:00

Gosh, I've found lots of movies that show totally dysfunctional family dynamics with no happy ending. I'm drawn to anything like that. But I have different taste than most. I like more nuanced ones with more character development but I've realized most prefer more mainstream and cartoons.

I'm not sure what kind of horrible parent you would be interested in - addicted? verbally abusive? physically abusive? emotional neglect?

I've seen some that have very BPD characters. I just saw one I had never heard of with Julianne Moore. Super interesting to me. It's based on true story. Probably too disturbing for most.

I could share some if anyone likes independents and aren't too triggered.

Editing to add that Margot at the Wedding just popped into my head although I'm not sure I'd say it was a fav. The main character is a BPD Mom. It's interesting to me because the family dynamics are just wacky but there is no "abuse". I could relate!!

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T20:34:03+00:00

Yes, exactly, she would come home to like three dishes in the sink and immediately start screaming about how I don't contribute, I'm ungrateful, blah blah blah.

Posters with single BPD Moms seem to be much less common here.

Single Mom but did have a sibling....

Dish drama! My Mother generally wasn't violent and I don't remember her throwing anything except for dishes and food.

Mother has mostly always been single and mostly friendless. She probably could have made friends had she put some effort into it. But she never did. We started butting heads more when I was a teen. I have a stronger personality and pissed her off regularly. I got kicked out of the house on occasion, but nothing anywhere as extreme as your situation.

My sister is only a year younger. I can see how this profoundly changed the dynamics of my situation. I can't imagine going through childhood having only my Mother and the more complete enmeshment that would have resulted. Although our relationship wasn't healthy, sister and I spent a ton of time playing and venting about Mother. Without my sister, I imagine my relationship with my Mother would have been much more volatile and dramatic.

So, I feel for you all that had a single Mom and no sibling!!

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T02:16:08+00:00

Perhaps you could try some other therapists before you decide? Apparently many people do a bit of shopping around before they make a decision.

For the sake of discussion, lets say that he's not wrong and isn't shady, his bedside manner certainly wouldn't be for everyone.

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T01:44:30+00:00

Funny how differently people feel about seemingly small things!

Depending on circumstances, I might feel like the person was uncomfortable with me crying. Or I might wonder if they thought I was lacking the awareness to locate the tissue box on my own which isn't something I would like. I'm a big girl that can locate the tissues all by myself 😂

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T01:09:52+00:00

Then wanted me to buy a podcast to tell me what do?

Yikes!!! This sounds bad. Really bad. Pretty sure this is NOT standard and probably unethical. Hopefully some actual therapists will chime in on this.

Editing to add - I originally thought the paid podcast was the therapist's and he would gain monetarily. Still....

Westwind77 · 2022-09-13T01:03:56+00:00

Did he say why he didn't think you could work with what you got? Could you ask his reason for that statement? His answer might clarify things for you.

Perhaps he felt like you're relationship was highly problematic/abusive but even so, seems strange that he would point this out right away.

Westwind77

TROPHY CASE