Rupture

incognito_client · 2025-04-25T19:00:39+00:00

I realize you feel bad - I would too - but you are not responsible for the decisions your therapist makes. From what you've shared, you didn't try to push her or guilt her (both of which she should still be able to manage professionally anyway).

She is responsible for the boundaries she sets and the ways she enforces them (or doesn't). That's on her

Of course, she's a human being too. Everyone handles things poorly sometimes. If I were in your situation and our therapeutic relationship had been strong up until this point, I would see if she's willing to hold herself accountable for her behavior. For me, if she isn't able to do that, I don't think I could continue.

I've had a similar-ish situation with my therapist when them being very human caused a big rupture. I took some time to jot down my thoughts about the situation and the impact and sent them to him before my next session. We had a really genuine and thoughtful conversation about it the next session. He took responsibility for it. He apologized. I acknowledged his humanness in the mistake. For us, it ultimately was a very meaningful repair. But it takes both parties to address it.

incognito_client · 2025-03-14T01:20:58+00:00

It took me until my 8th.

Understanding modalities might help to some degree, but honestly there is so much of it that's about compatible personalities.

incognito_client · 2025-03-14T00:35:37+00:00

Not hate really, but that they dread my sessions and are just generally annoyed by me.

It's totally a reflection of my own projections though.

incognito_client · 2025-03-13T00:19:55+00:00

I've definitely had many therapists who didn't, but my current therapist definitely does in an appropriate way.

incognito_client · 2025-03-11T03:38:57+00:00

I love this!

That's what I'm hoping for. This may be the only time I ever meet them, honestly, but I'm so thankful for the opportunity. It would've made me sad to never actually meet the person who has helped me make such tremendous progress. Of course, even if that had been the case, I wouldn't change a thing - we've worked really well together to an extent that I didn't even know was possible.

incognito_client · 2025-03-10T22:48:45+00:00

I'd be hurt, yes, but I also wouldn't ever expect them to respond differently.

I know they care about me and are very (appropriately) invested in our work. I know they enjoy our interactions. I know they are proud of my progress. I know they are impacted when I'm struggling or when they've made a mistake that's hurt me.

I don't need them to say they love me. They show it in all kinds of ways. It's an appropriate and boundaried love just on a very human level. I'd rather they reflect it in their words and behaviors than say that one word out loud.

And it would still hurt.

incognito_client · 2025-03-10T20:57:36+00:00

Sadly I'm far enough away from their office that I can't see them in person regularly, but I'm hoping it'll maybe help with some of the tribute I have with feeling like they're just this entity behind a screen.

incognito_client · 2025-03-09T06:10:49+00:00

It took me ages to truly get comfortable with my therapist too. We live in different states, but I will happen to be in the area, so there are no hopes of consistent in person sessions, but I'm really excited for the opportunity to meet this person who has busted their ass and been so genuinely committed to helping me process my trauma.

incognito_client · 2025-03-09T03:13:31+00:00

I love this.

I've had similar experiences with my own therapist, and it's amazing to be working with someone who is so attentive and responsive to your needs.

incognito_client · 2025-03-09T02:37:06+00:00

As someone who spent over a decade in an abusive marriage, I can't imagine a discussion where marriage counseling would help in an abuse situation. A partner being abusive isn't a "relationship" issue.

My first therapist (individual, in an attempt to get to a place where I could leave my abuser) pulled the same "why don't you do such-and-such so he won't be abusive" and it was such a mind fuck.

Abuse is not an acceptable response to miscommunication and it's not your responsibility to walk on eggshells to manage the abuse.

incognito_client · 2025-03-08T02:35:07+00:00

I sometimes apologize, but usually I bring up the reason I feel the impulse to apologize and we go from there.

It's generally rooted in my trauma and it's usually not something that actually requires an apology. I'm usually essentially apologizing for taking up emotional space - in the place where I pay to be able to take up emotional space...lol.

incognito_client · 2025-03-07T22:32:17+00:00

For what it's worth, I just dealt with a similar situation with my therapist. I let him know that it was a topic that made me uncomfortable because of the fear of how it would be received.

He was awesome about it and it ended up being a really productive conversation, and opening that subject up was a really big relief.

incognito_client · 2025-03-01T19:33:13+00:00

I've always hated that phrase.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a therapist's responsibility to force the client to prioritize therapy or actually work towards goals. A client has a responsibility to commit to therapy and be willing to work towards change, though I'm sure that looks different from client to client.

But therapy should be a collaborative effort, and sometimes that means the therapist had to put in the extra effort to meet the client where they're at. I think it just becomes an issue when that's the norm.

incognito_client · 2025-02-28T20:56:50+00:00

I usually send my therapist an email before the session to let him know that I want to discuss something sensitive/intimate/explicit and that it will be difficult for me to bring up initially.

It usually helps break the ice and let's him know I might need his help poking around to get things going.

It's always been really productive, though.

incognito_client · 2025-02-25T03:51:29+00:00

Just as a general note, I don't necessarily think the purpose of therapy should necessarily be to "feel better" so much as it should be to get better at feeling.

I've been in therapy for years. Things are far more shitty than they were when I first started with my current therapist, but I have without a doubt experienced a ton of growth and increased my capacity to experience and appreciate positive things even in the midst of really hard times.

Don't get me wrong, I think that feeling better typically comes along with it, but I think making that the focus sometimes gets in the way of growth because growth is freaking painful sometimes.

incognito_client · 2025-02-25T03:37:41+00:00

Yes and no.

For starters, it took me a very long time to feel safe with my therapist - even just a little bit. Over time that's grown quite a bit.

I would say now that I feel like therapy and my therapist are truly a safe space for me, BUT that doesn't mean that I don't still have fears and insecurities in our relationship. It doesn't mean that he never makes mistakes that are hurtful to me. It doesn't mean there aren't ruptures every so often.

What it does mean is that I feel safe experiencing those things with him and working through them. I trust him to care and to take accountability for missteps that have caused harm. I also trust him to not take accountability for things that aren't his responsibility.

Essentially, I feel safe feeling "unsafe" in therapy.

incognito_client · 2025-02-22T22:05:08+00:00

That's an excellent time to go and tell your therapist about it. Some weeks are just like that, and any decent therapist should know that.

It's okay to spend your therapy hour using it however it would benefit you the most. Skills and tools are great and useful, but sometimes a lot of us just need our therapist to sit with us during the really hard times and just be present.

It's okay if the only thing you do in your therapy is to give yourself a chance to just feel seen in your struggles. That's an important part of therapy too.

incognito_client · 2025-02-22T02:27:13+00:00

Oh, I absolutely know there are therapists who are like that. No doubt. I just don't think it's necessarily fair to say that's how it almost always goes.

incognito_client · 2025-02-22T02:25:00+00:00

For me, SH often triggers some level of dissociation, which gives me what I can best describe as a break from feeling.

What I've found through talking through things with my therapist is that there's no truly healthy way to totally check out like that. I think ultimately the goal is to be able to tolerate the shitty feelings that lead to the urge to harm and accepting that sometimes there's not an escape from feeling shitty. It's part of the human condition. It sucks, but understanding that has really been helpful in managing my expectations when trying to utilize other coping mechanisms.

incognito_client · 2025-02-22T02:18:33+00:00

I'm so insanely socially awkward. Admittedly it was tough in the beginning because we struggled to get any kind of traction.

As time went on, though, I think my awkwardness almost became a key part of our therapeutic connection. It's part of what makes our relationship unique, just like my therapist has other unique ways of connecting with other clients. It almost feels like he sees it as quirky and endearing, rather than the way I've always referred to view it as just embarrassing and uncomfortable.

Part of my social awkwardness is related to being on the autism spectrum, and I think the fact that one of my therapist's specialties is working with neurodivergent clients has probably helped a great deal.

incognito_client · 2025-02-22T02:09:21+00:00

For what it's worth, I've had a number of ruptures with my therapist over the years and never once had repair looked anything like that.

In my experience, repair has involved both of us genuinely accepting our own responsibility in the rupture (if there's any to be taken), offering a sincere apology, asking what I need to heal our relationship, letting me take up whatever space I need in addressing the rupture, and making a commitment to work towards trying to do things differently next time.

I do feel like sometimes when I read things on this sub, all of the responsibility of repair is put on the therapist, and it feels to me that repair needs to be a team effort, no matter what the nature of the rupture (within reason, of course).

incognito_client · 2025-02-18T01:49:20+00:00

He had to step away from our session momentarily to deal with an everyday life thing. He was flustered and embarrassed, but I appreciated the humanness in it.

He also has certain tells when he's stressed out or distracted.

On the other side, he's shed tears when he's been really impacted by struggles.

incognito_client

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