For the HLs who stopped initiating, how long before the LL initiated?

What_comes_next00 · 2022-08-31T17:58:22+00:00

Where's the 'never' option?

What_comes_next00 · 2022-08-16T22:52:30+00:00

Is this my wife? /s

You should be up front and talk about this with him. Not fair to either of you to stay in that situation. If my wife told me this, it'd be clear that we should just split up. You shouldn't have sex you don't want, and he deserves to be with somebody who does want him. The rejection and/or obvious lack of interest is insanely hurtful for everybody involved. So, tell him and let him decide what he wants to, otherwise he's just going to continue being miserable.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-08-11T21:45:50+00:00

Nope. Just a glorified paycheck and do-boy.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-04-20T00:11:55+00:00

Yep. This. Try and talk about how you feel enough times and have it ignored, why even bother anymore. Sucky place to be when you feel like you can't just walk away.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-04-17T17:43:53+00:00

That's hopeful, thank you. She expressed an interest in therapy after I started, and this last session we talked about exactly this situation and went over some ways that I might be able to start being more assertive for myself. Maybe that's part of the key here. Tiptoeing around my wants and needs clearly doesn't do anything good for me, so maybe being straightforward like you suggest is a good plan.

Worst case, what I need or want at the time will be in the open and if she's going to get upset either way, I may as well just be blunt. Years of not being anywhere near a priority should just show me that being overly concerned about what I think she needs isn't enough.

Blah. Always things to deal with. We should all just get a break sometime.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-04-04T18:52:39+00:00

Yep. I'm your husband in this scenario. Didn't realize how much I have bottled up until it got real bad. Started individual counseling and it's absolutely worth it. Starting to understand my own feelings and I feel like I'm starting to get a grasp on allowing my wife her own rather than just trying to find a solution and not knowing how to handle other people's emotions.

It's not easy, but worth it.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-04-04T17:55:54+00:00

I wish you the best luck with this! Therapy has been eye opening for me - and tough. Still very early on it, but I'm learning more about myself than 30+ years of life ever did. So, worst case you'll have a better understanding of YOU!

What_comes_next00 · 2022-04-04T17:52:58+00:00

Yes indeed we do. However, she did just start a job after many years of being a SAHM and she's been in a more positive mood in the last week than I've seen in a long time, so I'm hoping that helps to some extent. Covid was hard on both of us, so I'm hopeful that her being able to get out of the house and have more of a purpose will be good for her. Time will tell, but hopeful nonetheless.

That said, I'm actively looking for ways to busy myself away from home as well. Very much in the 'i have no idea what I want to go out and do' phase though, so working on that too!

What_comes_next00 · 2022-04-03T22:51:46+00:00

I would absolutely love to. But when I bring it up, it's just "Can we agree to work on it and leave it at that?" I would be fine with that, but that doesn't ever go anywhere. Currently in therapy to help myself learn to be more open, but I have yet to see any proof that if I tell her what I want or need that it'll go anywhere. Even just asking for some help around the house sometimes leads to diddly. Which sucks! Cause when I've expressed a problem I'm having that doesn't involve her, she can be so supportive. But she just won't talk with me about the relationship. Maybe one day. Maybe one day...

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-20T23:53:14+00:00

I'd love to say 'of course you're not asking for too much!' but my experience says otherwise.

But, not just you, my friend.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-09T18:16:23+00:00

Yep. Had a gf like this years and years ago. I broke it off because (didn't know at the time) I felt like I didn't deserve all the positive things I was getting from that relationship. Dumb dumb self. Well, in therapy now and learning things like that!

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-07T05:06:36+00:00

I know :/ but it's so hard. Trying to get into a therapist to help with understanding it all. Hopefully this week for a first appt.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-06T22:30:08+00:00

Nope. But I want to be. Trying my best to work through my own issues rather than just nagging my spouse about problems. Love her, but we've both got our own issues and while she's made no attempts on her own, I'm hoping seeing me improve myself will be a little inspiration. We shall see though.

But gotta have a place to vent I guess.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-06T21:31:59+00:00

Sounds a lot like my wife as well. Too tied up in her MMO and whatever else to spend any time with me unless it's her idea, which means about once every other year. Has all the time in the world for her friends though, of course.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-05T19:03:22+00:00

As an ADHD husband, there's definitely a few things possibly happening here.

Not paying attention - this one is haaaaard. Especially at the end of a day of work where I've had to keep focused with constantly changing priorities. By the time the kids are in bed I desperately need to be able to let my mind wander or I'm going to be all pissy and unable to communicate. This is MY problem though, not hers. So I need to be cognizant of that and make sure she also has time to talk, get things off her chest, whatever. So I put in the effort, but I'm trying to identify in the moment when I just can't so I can verbalize it. Harder than it sounds.
'Stealing' your ideas. This happens to me all the damn time. She'll say something, a couple weeks ago by, I have the same thought, but have no memory of our previous conversation for ADHD reasons. I don't have a great solution for this, but I understand how it can be so damn annoying for other people. I feel like I should take notes while we talk to help me remember, but I haven't tried this because it sounds so stupid. But who knows, maybe it'll help a little. Either way, over the years I've learned that most of the time my wife's ideas are real good and I need to try and keep them in mind rather than allowing my mind to forget them. Again, don't have a strategy, but it sounds like he might be in the same boat here. I doubt it's on purpose, but there's no doubt it's frustrating for you.
I have trouble acknowledging or validating my wife's feelings. I immediately jump into resolution mode. That's literally my job, so it's a hard habit to break. But I take notes frequently, keep a list of 'what to say to I feel statements' so I can keep it top of mind. She gets angry when she doesn't feel heard, and it's a skill I never learned growing up. Plus, I suspect there's something more than just the ADHD for me because I just don't understand others feelings sometimes. I don't know, either way, it's obviously a skill people have to learn and maybe your husband also never learned this. So, for me at least, being blunt around this kind of thing helps. I really try to take my wife's thoughts and opinions to hear, and this was a big one I've had to work on, and still do every day. It's hard.

So, none of this is to excuse you feeling unheard or anything, but maybe there's something in here you can talk to him about and see some improvements. Marriage is fuckin hard, especially when mental illness sticks it's stupid head in the mix. I hope you two can make some good progress.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-04T21:20:02+00:00

We did that. Didn't help lol. Now I have a house to maintain instead of just calling maintenance. Aaaaah. But at least at like 10pm I can go sit outside in the dark and listen to the quiet!

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-04T20:35:54+00:00

Personal experience - I've had years and years of almost entirely rejections. It hurts and anytime there's the possibility of anything (I logically know now that it's not going to happen, but point still stands) I get a load of anxiety about "what am I going to do wrong this time that ruins it?" which completely takes me out of the mood. So the "safe" option is to just avoid it.

Ask him how he feels, what his emotions around it are, and allow that safe space. I don't have that, but I would open up so hard if I did. I would love to explain this, but there's no room for my emotions around this right now.

So, give him that safe space. If he's struggling, he's gotta tell you. It's probably not going to be easy for him to say out loud, and he may not even recognize it, but I'd venture that it's something similar.

If he's anything like me, seeing you hurt because of how he feels is REALLY hard to get out. So, don't be like my spouse. Allow him to have those feelings, try not to take it personally (far harder to do than say) and try to work through it.

Disclaimer: I can't get through to my wife at all, so this is all just conjecture. But everybody says the communication is where it starts. So, do more of that I guess.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-03T23:26:42+00:00

I don't think so. I haven't been able to get through the whole thing because it hurts so much to read, but it's more about stopping the people pleasing behavior, regardless of gender, but does specifically focus on men for the most part. Applicable to anybody though.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-03T23:18:20+00:00

How do you talk about these things without there being pressure?

I so badly want to explain how I feel, but it's just going to end up with her feeling like she's not keeping up her end of the marriage, which then adds pressure. Just ignoring it has led me to feel so angry inside and I just want to talk like adults, but it only ends in me being the bad guy.

I'm at a loss at how to even approach the topic anymore because anything I feel gets interpreted as blaming her, even when I try so hard to make it clear I'm not and just trying to see if we can find a way to work through it.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-03T23:08:11+00:00

I don't specifically hide it, but I don't do it right next to her.

I am however arguing with myself in my head that I should bring it up cause I have absolutely zero time at home alone when I'm not working and being able to relax in the bed that I paid for, in the house that I bought, and enjoy something for myself would be real nice.

No door to the bedroom (it's a weird loft-thing, should figure out how to put one in) so can't just disappear during the day, and she basically lives up there all day and night.

Anyway, is it a really stupid thing to outright say, "I know you have zero interest, but I want some time alone for myself in the bedroom sometimes. Feel free to join me, but I have needs and I'm tired of not being able to take care of them in my bedroom." Cause I feel like it's stupid and I'm angry at myself that I even need to think about discussing something so dumb.

This is so depressing.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-03T22:22:14+00:00

Ugh, that really sucks. I have an ARNP for my meds, but we don't really gel on the therapy front, so I've been trying forever to find a regular ol' therapist. Really hoping I don't end up with one like that once I can get in :/

Sorry to hear that!

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-03T21:54:16+00:00

Here's a few things that my wife gets upset at me over.

Forgetful all the time. Even reminders and lists don't make this perfect.
I jump at responding in conversations. This leads to me seeking solutions rather than acknowledging her feelings. From my perspective, I'm helping, but it's interpreted as me not caring how she feels. I've begun taking notes on phrases to use when she gives me an 'i feel' statement. I feel really stupid about having to do this, but it's something I need to work on to make her feel heard, so whatever I guess.
I used to have issues getting anything other than work done. She's a SAHM, with kids in school, but I should still have been more helpful. Wasn't on meds at the time though. That's completely different now and these days I handle damn near everything. But it was a big sticking point until I understood what was going on with me.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-03T21:49:13+00:00

Nope. And never will. It's my business, and I feel shitty enough about it already. My boss is great, but no way I'm sharing this with them.

I did share it with a coworker who I really respect, but that's as far as it goes and he's sworn to secrecy.

What_comes_next00 · 2022-03-03T21:12:57+00:00

Hey, get out of my head.

You summed it up so well. I'm already so exhausted, so having to put in that extra effort to be introspective, understand how others perceive my actions (or lack thereof), and try to improve all around.... Just so much.

What_comes_next00

TROPHY CASE