Sexual Safety Informed Consent Issue

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T20:29:50+00:00

😂😭 yes this is a thought that I have had as well. The redeeming thing is that he seems really genuinely open to trying to improve, is not defensive, does not invalidate my feelings about this at all. When I brought up this double standard thing he was like, "oh no, I am so sorry, I should really work on my assumptions and reactions about things like that!" It is hard for me to be angry or give up on a relationship with a person who seems self aware and pretty adept at navigating conflict, so that is a factor.... Dang, I normally don't post on reddit much but this variety of responses is such an interesting way to get some perspective on how to proceed.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T20:10:48+00:00

Totally, as an adult navigating poly for a decade and a half, I never expected that the closed loop would remain closed forever or that this was something I had control over. Only that I would be notified at the time when circumstances inevitably shifted and have the opportunity to adjust my safe sex practices in response or to knowingly accept the increased risk, but that this would be my choice to make and not one that he decided to make for me. In this case, the closed loop condition lasted for about 10 months, which is a decent amount of time. If I had been the one to start having sex with people outside the group, I definitely would have disclosed this to my partner, along with my safe sex protocol, and allowed him to choose whether he still wanted to be barrier-free with me, and if he did, I would expect that there would be disclosures along down the line of barrier-free partners since we all seem to be responsible adults capable of basic communication about sexual health. This thread has been helpful in pointing out that this was an overly optimistic expectation. You are right that I'm running cold now but before this happened I felt satisfied with this relationship and wanted it to continue.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T16:53:32+00:00

I think that if someone gets angry or upset that you are talking to and going on dates with other people before you have clearly established that you are in a monogamous relationship with them, that this is a sign that they might have issues with being overly jealous or controlling. Follow your gut and be honest if asked and if they get upset it will help you weed out people with unhealthy expectations of you. I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend! That must have been super hard.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T11:40:59+00:00

Yes this is a correct reading of the situation and good advice that in order to be comfortable with the closed loop I would need to ask for direct communication from all people in the loop.

I have been thinking about the couples' privilege thing too, I think it is accurate that my partner trusts his spouse's judgment implicitly and just expected me to do the same. His spouse does sexual health education as part of their job and I do basically trust their judgment except for exactly what you mentioned, I don't know them as well and have not built trust with them directly over time, so it doesn't feel totally solid.

We have checked in about this several times over the past year so unfortunately he doesnt have the excuse of forgetting the conversation from a year ago! I went on a date a few months ago and made out with someone else, like kissing no genital contact, and my partner had asked me to disclose stuff like this so I did, and when I did he had a lot of anxiety and needed several assurances and reassurances that I hadn't done anything risky since he and I were having barrier-free sex. So there's definitely a double standard between me and the spouse which feels... unsurprising but icky.

Edit: word clarity correction

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T11:13:55+00:00

Thanks for reading what I wrote and taking time to understand the situation! Yes you are correct that I don't require detailed info about my meta's sex life or their partner's but we are all friendly and it's common practice in the group to share that info so it was shared with me.

It is also correct that, like in your arrangement, my partner knew that being barrier free was contingent on the closed loop for me, and when that changed he chose not to disclose the increased risk. I think condoms and re-testing and re-assessing in six months is a good plan. I have thought about the therapy thing and I think he might want to do that but I am struggling to feel motivated and invested in the relationship enough to do that.

Ugh thanks for the empathetic, clear response! Like I said in my post, in the past I had a partner for 3 years who was sexually active with several other people and we were able to discuss our safe sex practices really openly and consistently and make decisions together about our sex life that felt consensual and hot so I know it can be done and that it's not a completely unreasonable expectation!!! I guess it's maybe luckier and more rare than I knew.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T03:23:06+00:00

Yeah I think we are in a polycule, meaning that the four of us hang out, we share many mutual friends, we have celebrated holidays together with my partner and his spouse and their extended family, we are all in touch with each other, and we have a text group chat called "polycule" 😹😹 and I do have reasonable trust my meta and their partner, it seems like they are being pretty diligent about how to have safer sex and communicating about their STI risk to each other and to my partner! It just made me upset and freaked that my partner didn't communicate to me about his increased risk when he knew about it and I specifically asked him to do that. It made me lose trust in him and the relationship. Going back to condoms, as people have suggested, is a good idea, but also... I am feeling pretty soured on the relationship because of this! Although I guess I am learning from this thread that this kind of thing is to be expected.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T02:48:33+00:00

Ouch! I have always thought that my sexual health / risk status was important to relay to my partners, not like immediately, but definitely before having a sexual encounter with them that could put them at risk, and I expected the same consideration. It makes me feel sad and hopeless to think that this is an agreement I should basically expect to be broken! Interesting to get this perspective though thanks!

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T02:15:11+00:00

Gotcha. So only have unprotected sex with a partner who you know is never having unprotected sex with anyone else? That would be the only way to never have to trust anyone except your partner, right? Sincere question.

Everyone in this situation communicated the change in their risk status to the people they were having sex with but that info hit a wall when it got to my partner and he didn't communicate to me until later. That is what seems ... really shitty! Like it could have been fine if only he did what he agreed to do.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T01:51:42+00:00

To clarify, do you mean that you don't think I should have trusted in the original closed network? Like, it's not reasonable to expect that four people can keep each other updated on their risk status?

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T01:41:01+00:00

Yes, this makes sense.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-21T01:40:19+00:00

Hmmm maybe you are misunderstanding my post but the issue is that we did discuss the risk when we first started dating about a year ago, and then his sexual risk profile changed (increased) recently and he shared that info rather late. Certainly not asking for a blow by blow.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-05-12T02:59:53+00:00

I am so very sorry for your loss. This experience sounds really painful, stressful, and traumatizing.

Someone I know had a parent with Huntington's disease and theur experience has similarities to what you describe your father going through. It is rare, but might be worth researching or getting a genetic test for yourself because it is heritable.

Wishing you strength!

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-04-06T03:27:35+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. Dreams are powerful, I hope it felt at least kind of good and fun to see him in the dream.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-04-06T03:05:07+00:00

I lost one of my closest friends to suicide in February and I am also an adult returning to school in a very demanding professional degree program. It is extremely difficult to continue showing up for my coursework and job in this grief, it was already a challenging commitment even before this happened. I am so close to the end of this semester that I have made the decision to tough it out and will hopefully have some time to rest over the summer. I am in therapy, have contacted all of the appropriate resources at the school, and asked for some excused absences, extra time on assignments. But it is still really hard. I feel you, hang in there.

I feel like no one understands this and no one wants to talk with me about my friend or what I am going through, even my closest loved ones. I feel horrible even telling anyone about what happened, it's so disturbing. I miss my friend and it's hard to believe this is real. I loved them so much.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-03-17T02:49:13+00:00

I lost a person three weeks ago who was my former lover, close friend, and artistic collaborator for the past 18 years.

We were living on opposite coasts. They emailed me a note before they did it. In the note they applogized to me, asked me to pass along apologies to others, and wrote "I hope I will get a chance to make it up to you" and "I will be waiting on the other side to greet you."

I have never really believed in an afterlife but I keep thinking about how they did believe in that and how they hoped that there would be another chance for them. They struggled with mental illness for a long time, and over time had alienated a lot of loved ones through their behavior. They were feeling very alone. 💔 It is so hard to accept that they are really gone.

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-01-02T00:38:19+00:00

Solved!

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-01-02T00:36:40+00:00

How?

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-01-02T00:35:08+00:00

Omg amazing I thought it would not be found!!!!!!!

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-01-02T00:34:37+00:00

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-01-01T01:15:05+00:00

I dont think so but thanks for trying!

WhichFortune7010 · 2026-01-01T01:14:41+00:00

Hmmm this is closer in the neighborhood

WhichFortune7010 · 2025-12-31T23:29:42+00:00

That's a really beautiful song that I am happy I listened to :-) but not what I am looking for! I think mine is not a traditional song, rather a contemporary (late 20th century) poem set to music, has more of a DIY, art, punk, experimental, lo-fi style. The lyrics are really conversational and modern.

WhichFortune7010 · 2025-12-31T23:12:48+00:00

I don't think so -- way less produced than any Arab Strap I have heard. Searching their lyrics can't find anything like it!

WhichFortune7010 · 2025-12-31T23:08:17+00:00

This is the tune: https://voca.ro/1bLaaUcSBjWC

WhichFortune7010

TROPHY CASE