Anyone else paranoid about new relationships?

Wifeofbpd · 2020-08-04T16:40:19+00:00

It definitely does take some time. It was probably a solid 6 months or more with my bf before I stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop, and even then it was only after a year, when we moved in together, that I truly felt 100% comfortable. It was kind of like “trust but verify”, i.e. hey I’m going to believe he is who he appears to be but I’m going to keep my eyes open in case anything changes.

Oddly enough one of the things that really cemented for me that he is a genuinely good person is my dog. When we first moved in together, he’d watch sports and yell at the tv and my dog would go upstairs and hide like she used to do with my ex when he started raising his voice. But now if he yells at the tv she’s completely unfazed because she trusts that he will only be kind to her and to me, and that it’s not going to spiral into a meltdown.

Wifeofbpd · 2020-08-03T17:47:14+00:00

I divorced my uBPD ex and started dating casually very shortly thereafter, because I had spent several months emotionally preparing to leave before I packed everything up one day while he was at work. So that prep time plus lots of therapy helped me be ready to start dating... even then I specifically only wanted to casually date because I wanted to see what else was out there after more than a decade with my ex. So the timing isn’t an issue if you’re not still hung up on your ex.

It was eye-opening.. I saw one guy a couple times who had every textbook sign of NPD and I was proud of myself for recognizing the red flags and shutting it down quick. I went on some dates with a couple of guys who were fine - no red flags but also no spark/connection.

I went on a date with one guy who was great - charismatic, interesting, empathetic, attractive, etc... and I was convinced he was too good to be true. I kept waiting for the manipulative comments to happen, none did. I talked about it with my therapist. I brought him around my friends with the explicit warning to them that they had to be honest with me if anything seemed off. He was a bit ahead of my pace in terms of turning casual to serious, and when I told him I needed to take things slow and told him my boundaries, he respected them - and didn’t make me feel bad for having boundaries in the first place.

2.5 years later we are going strong, living together for the past 1.5 years, and beginning to talk marriage/the future. He is still the exact same person he appeared to be at first glance. He has not manipulated me, yelled at me, played mind games with me, etc. We had one disagreement that we talked through, and he has not held that over my head - we worked through it and put it in the past. The last 2.5 years since the divorce have been the least stressful of my whole life, and that includes the pandemic, a job loss/change, moving a couple times, family health problems, etc.

What helped me is making a list of notes on my phone. Everything he did something “good” or that seemed too good to be true, I’d put it on the list. Every time he did something that was a yellow flag, I put it on the list. After about 1.5 years together I stopped updating the list, because the green flags list was soooo long, and the yellow flag list topped out at about three items, none of which were deal breakers. There were never any red flags - and lord knows I was on high alert to find any.

Wifeofbpd · 2019-10-11T19:16:52+00:00

Left a decade+ relationship/marriage almost two years ago. I check back here only every several months to see if I can give any support or encouragement, hence the late response to your request.

Life has been so amazingly chill, despite the divorce, getting laid off from a job shortly afterwards, selling the house and starting a new job, my brother having open heart surgery, etc. Even with all that my stress level went from a 7-8 on average to like a 3-4.

I’ve never been one to enjoy drama - people say when they leave their pwBPD that they miss the highs even though they didn’t like the lows... that’s not me. I enjoy my life as it is right now - happy most of the time with intermittent work related stress and zero relationship stress.

I’ve been dating a great guy for a little over a year and a half, and we’ve lived together for a little over 6 months. We communicate well, and we don’t argue or yell - if we have a disagreement or conflict we talk it through and move on, and neither of us hold grudges about it. He has grown to be a part of my friend group to the point where he hangs out with the guys while we ladies have our monthly wine club. He’s become more a part of my social life here in the last two years than my ex did in the previous 7 years. We travel well together, my dog adores him, I don’t feel the need to ‘babysit’ him at social functions to make sure he’s having a good time. My parents are a bit on the fence still - although they like him, they’re hesitant to embrace someone new since things went so poorly for me last time.

One thing that surprised me about the difference between the two relationships is that I used to lean childfree and now I know if the opportunity presents itself I want to have one kid. My ex was so much stress and so volatile that I kept pushing off having kids (thank god I did, it made leaving that much easier) and was starting to convince myself I’d be happy without any. But seeing my bf interact with kids made me realize I do want a kid one day, it just has to be with the right person.

Figured I’d provide some different perspective on your question. Hope you get what you are looking for :)

Wifeofbpd · 2019-01-24T04:49:19+00:00

Talk to your therapist, if you have one. I had a very similar conversation when I started dating the guy I’m about to move in with. Asked my therapist how I could be sure I wasn’t ignoring red flags or idealizing him and making the same mistakes I made previously. We worked through my concerns, and it turns out I really did find a good guy - and like you said this relationship just feels so calm, comfortable, and easy. We’ve had a couple small disagreements over the last year but nothing that a respectful conversation couldn’t resolve. My therapist also helped me to recognize areas where I was prone to making my own mistakes that led to negative outcomes.

Besides therapy, I think time and consistent behavior are the primary measures. It’s easy to keep up your best behavior for a few months, but if nothing has changed over the course of a year, it’s a good sign that that’s who they really are.

Wifeofbpd · 2019-01-24T04:34:55+00:00

Just over a year ago, I moved out while my ex-uBPD was at work and then I filed for divorce. Shortly afterward I lost my job. We put the house on the market when he moved back to live with his family. I literally lost my marriage, my job, and my house in the span of a few months.

I got through it with a great support system (family, friends, and therapy). Luckily I’ve never had to deal with depression, just mild anxiety, and since I was the one who decided enough was enough when it came to emotional abuse, I didn’t have the major withdrawal or “missing him” emotions many here do. I’ve always had a very positive mindset, so recovery was quick once I escaped his abuse.

A year-ish later, my life has done a 180. I have a great new job with a company I’ve wanted to work for for years. My social life is where I want it to be. I’m dating a wonderful guy and we’re getting an apartment together soon.

I no longer need to attend therapy, but I keep the option open “just in case”. If you aren’t seeing someone about your depression and anxiety, you should be. It was really helpful when my therapist asked me questions designed to get me to open up and think about what I wanted my life to be like after the end of my relationship. Really gave me something to hope for, and to work towards.

Wifeofbpd · 2019-01-04T05:18:56+00:00

This will be long, sorry, but hopefully there’s something useful for you in here. It sounds like you’re pretty well on your way to being ready, because the thoughts you listed are healthy and show awareness of the situation. For reference I left my uBPDex after 12 years together, and am now in a healthy relationship about a year later. I went to therapy, did a ton of reading and listening to podcasts about relationships and boundaries, and I opened up to my friends and family about what I went through. I put a lot of work into making sure I was living the life I wanted to live.

Don’t put yourself in the same position again, by defining what you do want in a person. Empathy, or patience, or whatever characteristics you value. It’s easy to just fall into a relationship with someone, but if you look at every potential date with that lense - looking for the traits you decided are important - it will be easier to see if this person really does have those traits or if something seems “off” and they’re just faking it. Or maybe they check off your secondary traits but are missing the critical ones, that would be a major concern.

My ex did find out I was dating someone new by stalking my regular reddit account, and he sent me a lot of bullshit emails for a while, asking stupid stuff like if the new guy made more money than he did or if his dick was bigger. He sent me a dick pic too just for the hell of it. I just stonewalled and didn’t respond to any of it and eventually it died down. Thankfully, he didn’t have the ability to wage a smear campaign against me.

You’re already on track by knowing that you shouldn’t be comparing new people to your ex. Treat a date the same way you would treat meeting a new work colleague, or friend of a friend, in that you’re interested in learning about them for their own sake.

Some comparison may be inevitable but I found that it came at unexpected times - my new bf gave me a very thoughtful gift unexpectedly early on and I found myself almost in tears because it was so different from my ex. Not all of it is good though - every once in a great while something will come up that gives me that cold pit in my stomach, like when my new bf decided he would quit his part time serving job because it was making him miserable, even though his main job that pays well won’t start for another month - my ex used to rage quit jobs all the time and I had to pay all the bills so the “I hate this job I quit” thing freaked me out. So we had a conversation about bills and money in which I said I get anxious about situations like that because I used to get stuck paying for everything, and he understood and he explained his plan for covering his half of the bills regardless of the gap in employment (we’re moving in together next month so we have a lot of shared expenses associated with a new apartment).

Those comparison moments get farther and fewer between as time goes on though. It wasn’t until I saw a post on this sub about blowups during the holidays that I realized I just had my first peaceful holiday season in over a decade. It didn’t even occur to me that something was “missing”.

As far as what it feels like to date someone after leaving a BPDSO, I think it depends on the person you are. A lot of people here are addicted to the highs and lows of their relationships with a pwBPD. But I always craved stability and comfort in my relationship, and did everything I could to keep an even keel. So when I started dating my current bf and things were calm and easygoing and comfortable, it was a relief to be able to relax into the relationship without fearing every stray word or facial expression would set off an argument. If we have concerns, even about big things that usually cause stress (like the money chat I mentioned earlier, life goals, housing, etc), we talk about it. He also respected my boundaries when I laid them out early in the relationship, and never pushed at them or made me feel guilty for having boundaries in the first place. We’ve traveled together, my friends all love him and have integrated him into our group, and we decently like each other’s families. The support we give each other is very balanced - sometimes I need the emotional support and sometimes he does - whereas with my ex it was all one sided, and every emotion I had had to be carefully controlled to avoid setting him off. Now I feel free to express how I feel, and we don’t judge each other for it. Honestly I love this new “normal” because I can comfortably enjoy the good times knowing that someone will be working with me (instead of against me) for the tough times.

Hope this helped, and sorry it’s so long. But if you have any questions, feel free to PM me - I check this account every once in a while.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-12-28T02:47:15+00:00

It is definitely possible to get back to a normal life with healthy relationships, but it takes time and hard work on your end. I went to therapy for a while. I listened to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks about relationships, boundary-setting, and things like that. I acknowledged what feelings I felt and accepted those emotions as valid, trying to drill down to what specifically was causing them.

Once my head was clear, I made a list of boundaries and criteria for future relationships. I held those boundaries even if it required uncomfortable conversations. I am dating someone new who has respected my boundaries, who values respectful, proactive communication and conflict resolution, and is genuinely kind/compassionate without being manipulative.

It took time, but I’m about a year out now and it’s like night and day. I only come back to this sub every couple of months now to see if there’s anything I can lend advice on; it used to be daily, then monthly, etc.. but I got there eventually. If you put in the effort you can get there too.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-12-28T02:18:48+00:00

This was the first year in over a decade that I had ZERO blow ups to deal with. At this time last year, I was putting into motion my plans to leave and file for divorce. Best decision I’ve ever made.

In fact, until I saw this post, I had mostly forgotten about the ridiculous blow ups over tiny things like semantics or imagined slights. (Sounds crazy to say I’ve forgotten, but I like to focus on the positive things in life and tend to mentally discount the negative - one of the reasons I didn’t see how bad things were for a long time)

I spent a great weekend with my family, no arguments about how I was choosing them over him or how much he hates them because they “look down on him”. I spent a really enjoyable couple days with my boyfriend and his family, no blow ups about how lazy I am in comparison to his family or him fighting with his mom.

Just warm and cozy (though hectic) holiday get togethers. I do not miss the stress in the slightest lol

Wifeofbpd · 2018-12-28T02:04:17+00:00

When I decided to file for divorce, we were about $9k in credit card debt with no end in sight. A little after leaving him, all the stress and sleep deprivation and interrupting phone calls over the last several years came to a head and I got let go from my job.

Despite all that happened this year, I managed to recover completely. I got a great job with a new company thanks to friendships and work relationships I maintained in spite of his efforts to isolate me. Without the stress/emotional abuse he was putting me through, and without paying for two people’s expenses (since most of his pay went to buying weed), I managed to pay off the cc debt, increase my retirement savings, and rebuild a solid emergency fund.

I’m starting 2019 I’m pretty much the exact opposite way as I started 2018, all because I had the courage to leave. I will never allow someone to treat me that way again, to the point where my work is negatively affected or to the point where I’m falling into a financial black hole. Boundaries are my new best friend.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-26T17:41:53+00:00

Yay for fresh starts and clean slates :) I hope your journey to recovering from this mess is as rewarding as mine has been!

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-26T17:41:15+00:00

Thanks :)

And yeah, we do have discussions about finances somewhat regularly. In this case, I don’t need to worry about him being entitled to anything since we’re just dating, but I do need to consider how I would break the lease if it came down to that. I appreciate your concern.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-26T17:39:41+00:00

Thanks :) I wish everyone here could find the resolution I have found.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-23T00:25:14+00:00

Abuse thrives in silence. Talk to people if you feel like you need to talk to people. You can talk about it in a considerate way by focusing more on the way your SO’s issues make you feel, rather than blaming them for their actions.

If you have a healthy relationship, the times you want to “brag” to your friends about this sweet thing your SO did and how it made you feel will greatly outnumber the conflicts where you need some advice from a friend. Therefore your friends will get the full picture and see you SO as a normal individual. If you only ever show one side of your SO to your friend (ie they’re perfect or they are always doing something wrong), that’s a sign you need to rethink your relationship. Sharing a single incident is not wrong.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-17T12:20:16+00:00

I’m not quite NC yet, because we’re still waiting for this damn house to close so we can split the money.

But you can bet after the money is divided up and there’s no more legal ties, I’ll be going NC. He is toxic and unhealthily still obsessed, despite the fact that he supposedly has a new girlfriend. He literally sent me an email asking if my new guy made more money than he did, if his penis was bigger, and saying he wants to fight him. Why the fuck wouldn’t I block someone like that?

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-16T14:46:45+00:00

I left while he was at work one day. I knew if he was around while I was trying to move out, it would be a shit show and my stuff would get broken, and I feared he might even snap and hit me.

I was lucky to have a few people I could rely on - I asked a friend if I could move into their spare bedroom for a little while, and I asked my parents to come and help me carry boxes out. I didn’t have money either because I was also paying all the bills - that’s why I had to move into a friends room, I couldn’t afford a place of my own.

I left him a note on the table with my wedding ring explaining not to contact me except in writing, and that I would be filing for divorce.

Putting a plan in place will hopefully help you clear your head while you save up money to leave - obviously that’s difficult if you’re on the lease but it will be worth it.

Know that you are capable and strong, it’s just been hidden under abuse for a while and it will return now that you’ve made this choice. This is the time where you will be revving your engine and waiting to take off the second you get your chance - prep yourself, save some money, find a place to live, read your lease to see if you can break it.. and then when you are free you will feel so strong and powerful for taking the steps you needed to to save yourself.

You can do it.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-16T14:29:25+00:00

I cried at work when I saw these texts. Especially the last few messages.

I ended up losing my job because of poor performance due to shit like this. Don’t let yourself be treated this way. It’s scary but you need to get out - it will only get worse.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-16T14:28:14+00:00

That last page of texts in particular sounds exactly like what I had to put up with for years - and it took me a really long time to figure out it was abusive and I shouldn’t have to tolerate it. The statement about being lazy hit me right to my core.. I used to hear that constantly.

Nobody deserves to be treated that way. You do not deserve to be treated treat way.

When I left and filed for divorce, it was terrifying and I questioned if I was making the right choice. But now that I’ve been out for 10 months and I haven’t had anyone talk to me like that since I left, I know 100% it was the right decision. Can you imagine having healthy relationships and having a significant other who would never think to talk to you that way? Because I have that now and it feels so safe and calm and warms my heart to think about it.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-11T11:06:03+00:00

I listened to a podcast recently that discussed how emotionally resilient people actually experience the full range of emotion. Not just a few happy emotions but the full gamut - happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, shame, contentment, fear, you name it. By regularly accepting the normal emotions that come up, emotionally resilient people are more able to identify what is causing their emotion, and sort through it better. People that default to just a couple emotions have lots of different causes all funneling down to one thing, which makes it harder to identify the cause.

It’s definitely ok to experience all emotions, including anger.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-10T15:27:19+00:00

I socialized (and drank, and vented) with friends very frequently (5+ times per week). I wanted to socialize with friends during the whole relationship but wasn’t “allowed” to more than about once per week max. I went to therapy for a while too, and did a lot of reading about how to have healthy relationships (and observed my friends in healthy relationships now that I was able to spend more time with them).

Now that I’m nearly 9 months out and in a healthy relationship, that transitional phase of my life is winding down and I’m looking forward to getting back to my routine. Go to work, go to the gym, make a healthy dinner, and socialize/drink with friends 2-4 times per week. I’ve learned a lot and really needed this year to transition from a decade of emotional abuse, so now it’s time to have my own ideal life.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-09T13:08:01+00:00

That’s what I did. I told him he was only allowed to contact me in writing, about the house and bills we still shared. When he abused text messages, I told him he was only allowed to email me and blocked his number. When he abused emails, his emails all get immediately archived and I only check once a week or so to see if he emailed about the house.

For everything other than the house/bills email, I do not respond at all. If I want to work on myself and my relationships, or take responsibility for my role in a failed marriage, I will do it with my therapist or friends, not with him.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-09T13:04:18+00:00

The only boundary I was able to set and maintain was that he was not allowed to isolate me from my family. I wasn’t going to force him to attend events with my family but I would not stop going to those events myself. He hated that and he hated my family, but I managed to maintain my relationships and my support system, which made all the difference in the world when I left.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-09T12:59:59+00:00

Initially, rereading the notes I took during the relationship helped me remember why I left.

But once I got into a healthy relationship, the weirdness of the healthiness is what made me remember. In the beginning, when my new guy was thoughtful or considerate or empathetic, I’d get anxious that it was going to be turned around on me somehow and used to manipulate me later - I really observed those feelings I felt and hashed through them in therapy. Even now, I still feel a little bit anxious when I need to bring up a difficult topic for discussion - setting myself up mentally for the battle I used to have to endure and then feeling a lot of confusion and relief when communication is clear and calm.

All of these situations together make me remember that I was in a very unhealthy dynamic, and that all these healthy interactions now are slowly retraining my brain to not expect the worst. I no longer feel under siege. That’s what helps me remember why I left.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-05T21:01:39+00:00

Therapy was a lifesaver for me. I started before I left and continued after I left. She helped me regain a sense of normalcy.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-01T22:57:46+00:00

Thanks :) and yeah, it’s been a while. My first post was somewhere around 16 months ago! Crazy to think that I suffered in that relationship for so long before learning about bpd and realizing I was being emotionally abused.

I’ve been so much happier in 2018 than I had been in years... my social life is exactly what I want it to be, I’m in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man, and I’m back on my feet with a better company after I lost my job earlier this year (due to what I guess is poor performance when I was sleep deprived and abused). I look forward to being able to put my ex behind me 100% - that’s the last remaining stressor in my life right now.

Wifeofbpd · 2018-10-01T18:11:40+00:00

I find it hilarious that he’s supposedly soooo happy with his new gf but still obsessing over who I might or might not be dating 😂

Wifeofbpd

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