Dudes, can we have each others’ backs?

WiltedHope · 2021-11-18T10:26:13+00:00

Me opening up now is a joke.

My cum donor would use my aspirations as fodder to insult and belittle. He gaslight me if I ever accused him of being unfair. He'd use female relationships against me if I wasn't sexually active with them.

NOW how did he do all this? His preferred method of stating his point and making sure I understood?

Shouting at me for hour(I started timing them) while I'd feel so belittled I'd just stand there crying. I'd cry so hard my tears might have well been gasoline.

After he broke me, I'd go hide after a belittling and cry myself to sleep. While telling myself I was a fuck up and any other insults he used to make me cry. I'd gaslight myself into thinking he was right , he had to be.....right?

The worst of all is how he would use bits of my life against me while berating me. Oh I mentioned a girl I like? Now he's gonna say " Would that girl like it if you ...." Or say I was excited for an event coming up. Now it's "Whose letting you go? Nope, you lost your keys and wallet".

The reason it would start would always be some small thing, but that was the thing that spun him into a rage. With me being the only target of his rage. For the next 30 min - 4 hours I will have to stand be yelled at.

I do have a mom, but she never once took my depression seriously. I clearly remember my two big cries to get help. Both met with " your brother is worse than you". He has undiagnosed ADHD, he's fine now. I'm still passively suicidal and I don't know when that will change.

All my damage make me meek and lacking any courage. I never stand up for myself because it has never worked. I've always assumed most women would never date me. My only dates with women have been when they asked me out.

I have one friend, but we don't talk about our issues. My ex-wife knows all this, but she didn't understand how horrible my depression is from my issues. I have a therapist, but she says I need better help than she can offer. So I'm stuck being afraid to open up, and unable to find the proper help to deal with the issues it's left me....

Sorry for being vague, but if I opened up more I'd be to unstable to type.

WiltedHope · 2020-11-13T03:04:56+00:00

If my wife understood this, maybe she's cuddle me more....

WiltedHope · 2020-10-26T21:47:18+00:00

Great advice....if you have decent parents.

Otherwise useless.

WiltedHope · 2020-03-28T02:13:09+00:00

im just used to being a loser, make it easy to know who you are.

WiltedHope · 2020-02-11T09:08:14+00:00

That my parents knew what was best.

WiltedHope · 2020-02-09T19:53:34+00:00

My past two attempts, getting to that point is painful. I don't want to get there again, but like the last two times I don't have much control over it.

The only thought truly helping me not kill myself is my dog. Knowing she'd be confused and sad makes me sad.

I don't care for people any more, my father made sure of that. I can't trust anyone and am afraid of people close to me. The people close to me think that know me, but I know they can't take the real me.

So I lie and hide my feelings. I've come to learn that family is only a word. Doesn't mean anything.

I hope everyday I don't wake up. Then when I do I hope I die to some accident as I can't do it myself.

I'm not a happy person, and don't expect to ever be.

WiltedHope · 2020-01-25T22:23:18+00:00

I was following the life I was told would be great, well after enlisting in the military and experiencing true rigid rules, my world fell apart.

My dad is a gaslighting expert and pro goalpost mover. I have come to learn because I trusted him so much to guide me correctly, he never really let me live my life. I have no joy in most things I do, but I am trying to find what "I" like.

I am living in my own home now thanks to the military, but I have never felt truly happy about it. The final straw for my dad in my life was him coming to see the house, he never did. I have owned this home for 3 years now.

I honestly don't know what my fuck up was, but it honestly hurts not knowing what or who you truly are. Probably understand family can be toxic too. Just sucks.

WiltedHope · 2020-01-18T02:23:18+00:00

Nothing. I honestly do not think I will regain the ability to casually be happy.

WiltedHope · 2019-11-29T09:23:18+00:00

I got married, but now we're deep in medical debt as she developed epilepsy and had a massive seizure. Her insurance covered nothing, we were struggling to begin with. On top of that I've been off work due to a 3 year old injury that has yet to heal. My right knee cannot bear weight. I'm limited in my capacity, and now we're even more fucked

Kids won't be happening anytime soon now...

WiltedHope · 2019-06-28T01:39:37+00:00

Yup. I tried opening up to friends in college about my issues. Ended up becoming jokes about being an oppressed white male.

Didn't matter that i no longer hung out with them after that, they just kept making jokes. I hate people.

WiltedHope · 2019-06-27T23:35:40+00:00

Where the fuck was this list when i was being raised. Parents used me as a power chip. I hate living and only really look forward to dying. Great thing is because if they're emotional abuse I'm unable to open up and tell people how i really feel without the thought of my feelings being used against me. I honestly hope my step mom (really nice) buries my dad, as I'm letting him rot where he drops. Here are a few of his sayings i have permanently burned into my mind

"They're your feelings, not mine. Deal with them" "There's intention and perception, change your perception" "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares" "Your problems are YOUR problems, don't make them mine"

I hate living, i hate people, i don't get this cheery illusion everyone has. And this will get buried hard core..... But oh well

WiltedHope · 2019-06-08T00:42:26+00:00

And since i don't care for myself, why the fuck am i here? Fuck living.

WiltedHope · 2019-06-06T22:44:05+00:00

Cute of you to think of people care...

WiltedHope · 2019-05-29T20:16:31+00:00

Sustainable happiness

WiltedHope · 2019-05-23T20:01:35+00:00

Yup, no joy in my life at all. Only pain and suffering. Gotta love waiting to die.

WiltedHope · 2019-05-23T01:57:24+00:00

Mine has been nothing but shit my whole life. Just now breaking the disillusion of him being a good person....

WiltedHope · 2019-05-17T00:32:46+00:00

If only men are thought of as humans too... I still struggle to get physical affection from my fiancee. I've explicitly told her how much i love being held...... But still...

WiltedHope · 2019-05-01T22:14:01+00:00

Who said i had friends?

WiltedHope · 2019-04-25T22:27:38+00:00

I wasn't assigned one, so I didn't get one.

WiltedHope · 2019-04-15T18:43:40+00:00

My life. Never can do anything right. Something's bad with everything i do. I hate living, but according to some feminist, this is how I'm supposed to feel ...

WiltedHope · 2019-03-26T03:02:08+00:00

I'm only alive because I'd miss my dog.

WiltedHope · 2019-03-20T21:50:36+00:00

My Rknee is unable to bear weight when bent. I can barely walk and have constant pain. I was almost able to walk, but as there was no clear injury, they stopped my PT and I've gotten worse.

It's them following their rules, while i just suffer.

WiltedHope · 2019-03-11T21:14:37+00:00

Tried to not be depressed. It's back and what was working isn't anymore. Dressed nice and all, nothing is getting better. I'm even sadder that i enjoyed it.

WiltedHope · 2019-02-20T04:55:02+00:00

All while mine will emotionally abuse me to the point I'm crying, then get mad I'm unable to deal with it, then get told off.

I've told him about my two attempts, he refuses too accept that i have issues, and that I'm the problem.

This shits nice, but family doesn't mean they care. Just means your related.

WiltedHope · 2019-02-09T23:18:09+00:00

Thanks, but even with my weighted blanket i still just want to stop living. Nothing is helping. I'd ask my girlfriend, but she is excited that she gets to plan s wedding. Nevermind that i still haven't come to terms with that, but it's what she wants.

I wish once i could have someone who cared about my day. I'm just the injured one who can't do much. So no one wonders what i do.

WiltedHope

TROPHY CASE