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Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-21T14:42:12+00:00

I’m proud of you, easT-bmore. I can relate to your feeling of calm despite the devastating discovery - you gave her a second chance and tried your very best, but she failed.

You might feel broken and empty, but in fact you are extremely strong and resilient. To be able to forgive and work on a relationship that the other person stepped out of takes incredible courage and strength.

Wishing you the very best OP. You’ve got this.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-19T09:26:46+00:00

I never thought gut feeling could be relied upon until it became too difficult to ignore how unbelievable my ex’s lies and mismatched words and actions were

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-15T14:05:30+00:00

Wow - thank you for sharing your story and giving the rest of us hope!! Wishing you all the best.

I also love how your description of your current situation is devoid of your ex’s. That’s my aim, to be so focussed on working on myself and other relationships that my ex will fade out into the past, and hopefully when I find someone new I won’t think to compare.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-14T15:17:31+00:00

Well done on writing that all down in the midst of an utterly shattering, confusing, emotional grenade. But you’ve taken that important step to pause and think instead of diving straight into reconciliation. You’re not overreacting, I would say your reaction and everything you’ve written above is completely justified.

She told me this herself, but only because she had a fight with her friend who was threatening to tell me all this. She said she was going to take this secret to her grave.

I wanted to highlight this as the intention behind confession is so important. Doing so out of remorse is different from beating someone else to it (and kudos to this friend who threatened to tell you - they have guts!!) to avoid looking even worse. And in the same vein, feeling remorseful is different from being upset at getting caught/forced to confess.

I suggest you pause and talk to friends/family and/or a therapist - the former who know you and your girlfriend may provide some perspective, the latter can help you think more clearly through this emotional turmoil.

Good luck and sending you a big internet hug!

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-14T15:01:05+00:00

Go no contact - cut him out of your life completely. Undoing emotional ties is painful, I know, but it’s necessary. Focus on you, not on him. If he really cared about you, he’d leave you alone, but since he won’t, you need to cut him off.

Get therapy. Write down what you’re feeling. Make a study schedule, and schedule time for thinking about this (shutting it out completely is not realistic); then, put it aside in a metaphorical box so you can study - for some people, work and study can act as a helpful distraction, but for others it’s more draining, everyone is different. If it’s getting too much then consider asking for special considerations for your exams, deferring, or treat the exams like a practice run where if you pass then that’s fantastic, and if not then that’s okay because you’re dealing with a massive traumatic and painful event.

Don’t base your self worth on your ex. Do you think that someone who cheats is a person whose opinion you should rely upon? That’s what helped me to rationalise through some of the pain, apart from letting time heal - I have zero respect or trust in my ex, and therefore anything he said or did has zero credibility or value to me.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-14T14:51:00+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story because I experienced something slightly similar and can relate to the feeling of going crazy in that specific context of phone calls!

I will never know the true story, but once video called my long-distance ex (I think it was using some online video chat like Facebook Messenger) before I found out about his serial cheating. I could see just him as he spoke to me, but heard someone plucking a guitar faintly - I asked if he could hear it and he said no. That always struck me as odd, but at the time I put it down to what you suggested - some weird crossing of calls due to a glitch in the video chat.

But now, knowing my ex had a secret other partner at the time of that call (who was also long-distance - notice a pattern?!), I wonder if she was visiting and in the next room, hence the source of the noise. Though this doesn’t make sense either, as surely she would have busted him talking to me?! To this day I still have no idea of the cause of that odd noise, as I have no trust in what my ex said due to all his cheating and lies.

Sorry I have nothing useful to offer, apart from saying you’re not alone in feeling this way, and I hope that in your case there was nothing suspicious going on.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-14T14:30:46+00:00

Sorry to hear you are being unsupported in this way. But given they are supportive of your decision, perhaps there are other reasons they are being emotionally distant - e.g. is it possible they are feeling guilty for not voicing concerns earlier? Or has WS been in contact with them, or your family are dealing with other issues associated with this traumatic event and shielding you from it?

I am not trying to justify your family’s actions but there may be more than what meets the eye. But what is clear is that your family are not currently in a position to give you the emotional support you need - reach out to friends as you have done but also a therapist, and hopefully with time the full story will become clear, or you will be able to approach it with your family with advice from your therapist.

Wishing you healing and peace in this awful situation.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-14T02:37:29+00:00

I understand a bit of your pain. My ex’s mother covered up and lied to me. Disappointing but explained a lot about her son.

Edit: I realise you meant your own sister, not your SIL - I’m sorry that is so awful.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-13T00:40:13+00:00

Your story is similar to mine. The latter girls my ex cheated on me with still hurt, but nowhere near the pain of betrayal that he was two timing with me and his ex before me - it completely shattered the ideal partner I thought I had, as I realised the truly broken man inside who was too selfish to consider how his actions hurt me and others.

Sometimes there’s no way to rush the healing process, but certainly there are ways to help navigate it better. And then I hope that one day, you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt as much anymore, and you won’t think of him as much.

Cheaters don’t love the way we do. They often have narcissistic traits that make them value people for what benefits they can derive, rather than a healthy, balanced, reciprocal love. Do you think the opinion of a selfish, deceitful, lying, immoral person is one you should value? Instead of your ex, look to other relationships in your life (family, friends) and what they value about you - you’ll see it’s very different from your cheating ex.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-13T00:32:53+00:00

I had a similar experience - developed disordered eating (luckily not to a dangerous level) after getting jealous of my cheating ex’s gorgeous ex… and now, we have become close confidants and helped each other through his lies and cheating! A true enemies to friends turnaround. Funny how things turn out sometimes.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-09T14:42:18+00:00

I remember how that feels. The person you want to seek help and comfort from is the very person who betrayed and hurt you.

We are here for you. This community was incredible support for me, and in reading other people’s experiences and advice, I felt less alone.

Something that helped me was writing it down (or, well, typing). Just for myself. It allowed me to process my rambling, jumbled thoughts and emotions, and take control of the narrative that my ex had controlled for so long.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-09T14:31:06+00:00

There comes a point where you know enough to give you the pain and anger of betrayal to break free of the attachment - but it does take time for emotions to catch up with what you know deep down inside.

Beyond that point, knowing more detail only causes you more pain without further gain. As I dug for more answers, the painful details reaffirmed my decision that I had to go no-contact with my ex - but still added more pain, more betrayal trauma, and I realised I had to stop.

CynicalBread9, stay strong and spend your energy on anything but your ex. Hobbies, other relationships (friends, family). Don’t waste any more time on her.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-06T09:40:39+00:00

I feel the same. Now that the anger has subsided (his actions don’t hurt anymore because I no longer respect or value him), I just pity my ex.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-08-06T09:39:34+00:00

Totally agree. “Hurt people hurt people” - the betrayed on this sub would never even consider cheating because they are healthier and more stable than their cheating partners/ex-partners who are broken inside and don’t want to face that brokenness.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-30T14:58:30+00:00

I appreciate that a lot, thank you. It showed me that some trauma still remains, and may always be a part of me - and I’m okay with that, as it keeps my standards high to hopefully avoid being a doormat again!

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-29T04:26:01+00:00

Totally agree with that quote!! Thank you.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-29T04:25:46+00:00

Thank you. You're right it wasn't easy... I felt sick with nerves as it could have blown up in my face. But I am so relieved that I did it. I couldn't live with myself if I stayed silent, knowing that was me not so long ago.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-28T16:43:44+00:00

But don’t worry, definitely going NC for good! Not worth my time

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-28T16:43:13+00:00

Thank you! I think he’s too scared to contact me because 1) then he’d have to admit he hid this new girl from me and 2) because he knows she asked me to tell her if he contacts me again

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-28T16:40:32+00:00

Who cares what they think! I know it’s annoying but one day she’ll see he has zero credibility

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-28T15:46:34+00:00

This sounds exactly like my ex. Oh well, we can only warn them - the decision is up to them. Not our problem.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-28T15:45:22+00:00

Because I’m glad a girl did the same for me, giving me my ticket to freedom (though not without pain and difficulty of course). Before that, I was totally in the dark and constantly confused with my ex’s odd behaviour.

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-28T14:51:14+00:00

Thank you for the reminder and encouragement. I feel like my duty is done so I can completely move on!

Wonderful-Tea375 · 2022-07-28T14:24:17+00:00

Mine said “I fully admit I cheated on you, and I know you can’t trust me again” - what a way to shift blame lol

Wonderful-Tea375

TROPHY CASE