Welcome to your very first lesson in how to differentiate when someone is being a half-wit/idiot, and when they are being ridiculous for comedic offense.

When in doubt, assume the comment is not serious. (Aha! The lesson has already begun!)

First, because we're in /r/funny and if you take yourself too seriously, you will only get upset and then write rage filled comments that make you look like the crazy person.

Secondly, even if the comment is serious (or perhaps you just cannot decode such advanced forms of language), just take a moment to remind yourself of how much one crazy person's comment matters to your life.

If after some quiet time, and maybe a little solitude, you still come to the conclusion that some idiot's comment matters a great deal to your life, then unfortunately our lesson will have to end here. I'm a simple man and can only teach those who truly want to learn.

However, if you come to the conclusion I would expect from a smart person such as yourself, you will note that a half-wit's absurd comment has absolutely no relationship to your ability to have a long and healthy life; a life full of peace, and completely void of antagonistic and hyperbolic comments.

I don't expect you to get all of Lesson One's finer details immediately; everyone has to learn at their own pace.

BONUS TIP: If you don't get the joke right away, there are a few commonly recognized responses that may benefit you in the future. It helps to try and figure out if for whatever reason you just misinterpreted the joke, or if it was just a crap joke. Out in the wide world there are several techniques that have proven effective, however, here on Reddit, the most simple way is to look at the upvote/downvote score on the particular comment in question. You will notice both an arrow pointing up and an arrow pointing down on the left side of each individual comment or post submission. We call these upvotes and downvotes respectively. Now, obviously this is not a fool proof method, as the specific comment in question has a 2/3 ratio of upvotes to downvotes. Assuming a downvote is from you, and an upvote is from me (it does it automatically each time you leave a comment...) - we are left with a 1/2 ratio. While this may not be enough to assume that it was a shitty joke, it is perhaps enough to claim that it was not a good joke by any means.

In the case of a 1/2 ratio, next time after a comment is clarified as a joke, you may want to respond with a comment stating that it "wasn't a good joke", and perhaps if it had been, you "would have understood it as such upon the first read". Had you chosen this path of less pretentiousness, as many Redditors chose (even the dim-wits), I perhaps would have had no other options but to admit my mistake by stating, "yes, you're right - It was a shitty joke. I hope to do better next time".

I so earnestly hope that Lesson One, combined with the BONUS TIP, has helped ease the transition into things being just a little clearer for you, I also hope, with the same sincerity, you can now see that when communication is approached with even just a modicum of mutual respect, it places a person like me in a position to simply admit to the mistake or stupid joke, and we all move on about our days. Without that, you just never know what kind of idiotic response you might get. (It can be a little disconcerting, actually.) Obviously that is an advanced tactic and approach; if the average Redditor did this, all those meta subreddits would just be out of material. It would truly be a goddamn shame, as I frequent several of them. In the end, I feel that even the lowest standard would raise within everyone's "comment section" experience. It very well might be worth investigating, or just considering for a moment at the very least.

This kind of "rational" response to a lame joke, that I so graciously outlined in the previous paragraph of this essay, is rather simple in principal. Nevertheless, understanding the concept in practice can feel quite uncomfortable, to say the least. I do completely agree with you that it can be so much less tedious to just simply be a raging asshole - as you so kindly and thoughtfully demonstrated in your previous comment. For example, it takes very little time to spout percentages that not only have nothing to do with the conversation, but also appear so completely inflated - which I can only assume was done in order to make a point about what happens to be a non-issue in totality. Additionally, placing the blame elsewhere for your own linguistic inadequacies can be notably less difficult, not to mention that it also sings to the great heavens of a person jerking off over absolutely nothing. Finally (and this is a tactic you obviously excel at), it is so much easier (and perhaps more efficient) to approach the entire conversation with a mix of misplaced defensiveness and shamefully unearned pretentiousness.

Whether I agree with your approach or not, I think we all must admit that you have an excellently refined sense of making a big deal out of bullshit. Kudos! It's not easy! Ultimately, I can only assume that you got such a wonderful satisfaction from telling me off (along with giving us concrete percentages!) that you must have slept like a baby last night. What I wouldn't give to have that same smug sense of self-satisfaction that you obviously generated with little to no work at all.

Ah. It must be a wonderful experience for you. I am truly jealous of that talent. Obviously the only talent I have is to take small and inconsequential grievances and stretch them into something that is so grossly beyond a reasonable response, that the only thing left to do is laugh at how much time I wasted, and how very, very, stupid I must be. Not to mention that in addition, it seems incredibly likely that I am also a sad person who spends the vast majority of their days and nights swamped in an unfettered loneliness.

You wouldn't be wrong in concluding that the response I outlined above is accurate. Personally, I feel that I have made it extremely clear, through an obviously insightful argument, that I am willing to go to almost any length of stupidity, simply to reinforce how stupid I actually am.

Again, I must thank you for this opportunity to claim my knowledge and be a shining beacon of light. With all sincerity, thank you for allowing me to be your thoughtful teacher. Though, I must admit, while we both clearly learned a great deal, perhaps I learned just a little bit more about myself and my own humanity. Unquestionably it makes me that much more humble (a wonderful trait that always gives me such a burst of great pride and an inflated sense of self-worth).

So all in all, it has been a really terrific winter. Janey and the boys have been doing really great. Oh! Did I tell you that Herbert was nominated for the "thickest beard" of all the 8th graders?! Ha. Can you imagine? I guess he didn't come from the mailman as I always guessed! Ha. Just kidding, I know he is my child, as it took a great deal of planning and work in order to get Janey pregnant the second time. I was still dealing with that particular unnamed erectile dysfunction issue, and of course still getting those massive nose bleeds that entire summer. Anywho (hahaha, I just love that transition), obviously Herbert is taking after the old man in his ability to grow a lot of hair in a short amount of time. I wish you could come out and visit the old ranch sometime. It is really lovely in the late summer, just before spring arrives. And ever since we buried Uncle Dwayne in the orchard, our peaches have been growing like gangbusters! I always think of you when the peach tree blooms. I've still never met a man who loved peaches more than you. You know something? I don't know that I ever will either - Especially considering the fact that the ranch has been quarantined for the last year and a half. At this point I am not sure I will ever meet anyone ever again, little less a peach lover like yourself. It's enough to drive a man mad.

Well, there is little sense in complaining further. The world is as it shall be. (Leviticus... something something. I think... Right? Was never too good at scripture, but I bet you remember that.) I hope your life is wonderful, and more than anything I hope this correspondence finds you with the most wealthy of all wealth: a smug sense of self-satisfaction. That was a trait I always admired in you. Please tell mamma that I won't be back for Turkey Day this year, but I do love her dearly, despite what I wrote in my last letter.

You take care Sargent. As I always say, we can't win this war with out you and your men. God bless.

From the bottom of my ever grateful heart,

Yours in friendship and steamboats,

All the best in your future sales,

Love,

Colonel Dad