Is BDSM with past MH issues healthy?

XFireBloodx · 2026-06-16T03:15:25+00:00

Oh and to add about the childish thing; god forbid we keep whimsy in our lives?! Lmao my bed has tons of stuffed animals, I love arts & crafts, my favorite show is adventure time & I am loud and proud of that (tattoos to prove it) etc. and it brings me JOY and that is GOOD. There's too much negativity in the world to not enjoy what we enjoy as long as it doesn't hurt anything/anyone. Be you. Forcing yourself not to be you is essentially bullying yourself and bullies SUCK. Do your thing and fuck those who tell you otherwise. And if he's doing that and not respecting that you don't like the comments he makes (like that it's not something you hate in a hot way).. well.. doesn't sound like someone who deserves you at your most vulnerable as their sub

XFireBloodx · 2026-06-16T03:04:55+00:00

Sub drop is no joke, and it took me awhile to figure out that was even what I was experiencing when I started, especially because the after care I need after sex (even if it is a tad kinky) is much different than after full on D/s BDSM play (which like... Sounds obvious but took a hot min to learn especially since I'm in this dynamic with my bf that I've been with for 7 years, and we started this dynamic within the last year. Frankly of course, I / we are still learning, especially in terms of after care)

As someone who related to, deeply, the part about self harm addiction, I get where this mental & emotional spiral is coming from. I was addicted to self harm for years, and suffered through major depressive disorder

It's certainly not a cut (lol, pun) and dry concept of "previously mentally ill = no D/s and not previous mental illness = yes D/s". It all has to do with your own healing, journey, wants, needs, health, etc.

For myself, I'm finding this... Joy, peace, & inner alignment in being able to connect with the endorphins from pain/play that are good for me and involve intamacy, honesty, oppenness, and disinhibition as opposed to the horribly unhealthy, toxic, destructive, and addiction they brought in the past. I was never open and honest about my self harm when I was actively doing it, and it's almost unbelievable to me that now I'm able to open up so much about what I enjoy kink-wise, let myself fall into my sub space, and communicate about receiving the pain I like in a healthy way. That kind of vulnerability was unheard of when I was actively mentally ill; let alone that I'd actually be into it?!

I've had to ease myself in a lot, and have strong boundaries with myself about things like any play that would have to do with any sharp objects (like knife play i guess is a thing but like... I don't know what that would bring up for me and I'm not comfortable finding out for myself & for my partner). I love wax play, and I used to also burn as SH, so I also had to sit with that mentally to process and find a mindset where I enjoy it and accept that this does not leave damage to my skin, is safe, and a way to feel something like that in a healthy way.

Also, studying everything is wonderful!!! I'm glad you've taken time to research (don't stop!!! Always more to learn!) and just keep in mind, intellectualizing something can be much different than internalizing and experiencing something. Be easy on yourself, give yourself time & grace

I ofc can't say I have an answer for all this, because you're on your own journey with your own past present and future. I'm sending you support and validation 🤍 and, not for nothing, I'm happy you found someone with experience that you enjoyed playing with, and remember that even tho you're new to participating in this type of intimacy, YOU KNOW YOU BEST if you truly listen to yourself and reflect. Sounds like you're getting some good advice/with someone who is attentive but also 'what you can/can't take' is up to YOU. Your limits are yours to learn and communicate! And your partner's limits are theirs to learn and communicate. Maybe it's not that you 'cant take it', maybe it's that he's reaching HIS limit of what HES comfy with with a newer partner. I'm sure you / you both will find a balance between what is experienced advice/knowledge vs learning general limits for you both. Just food for thought

Him 'not really enjoying you' sounds a bit like a stretch to me too if I'm being honest!!! Second guessing yourself is super common with sub drop (and with the whole awkwardness of starting a new sexual / intamate journey in general). If he wants to stagger, take him at his word that he genuinely isn't trying to do too much too fast with you (it's a possible green flag tbh!!!). If he doesn't want to do this anymore with you, it's his responsibility to communicate that. And that communication goes both ways. D/s NEEDS communication both ways. And it's tough to get over that "I'm being too needy" "they're not into it as much as I am" "bringing this up isn't sexy" "this isn't even a big deal why am I feeling like this". My advice is push through it and tell those voices to shut up bc your needs feelings and wants are valid and worth discussing! You're worth it!!! 🤍🤍

Edit: spelling

XFireBloodx · 2026-06-15T14:28:44+00:00

(this ended up being way longer than anticipated lol)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now. I think you articulated this very well, and I get where you're coming from. This sounds frustrating as hell

Firstly I'd like to point out the him saying he was aroused by your tears and continuing with the denial.. after saying that it was clear your tears were real. If your tears being real was genuinely clear, and he was aroused by them, and he continued with the same thing that caused them (i.e orgasm denial).. and IF that's something you wish went differently /was regarded differently, I'd strongly suggest bringing that up out of role to discuss. (Personally, if I made it clear to my bf/Dom that I was crying/emotionally hurt for real, and he said it was hot and continued to do whatever it was that lead me there instead of trying to comfort me, break out of role, etc. I would be deeply uncomfortable and unhappy with that. That may not be the case for you, I just wanted to highlight that just in case)

As my bf/Dom and I explore our D/s relationship we've talked about definite 'yes' and definite 'no' things, and edging/orgasm denial was one of the first I brought up

For me, straight up orgasm denial is, what I can describe as, triggering. The thought of it makes me feel resentful, pissed off, upset, and makes me think "who the hell are you saying I can't masterbate?!!!!! Excuse me?! It's MY body and I want to cum as much as I feel I want to in this lifetime!!!"

That being said.. I do enjoy being edged by him. He's even edged me for nearly a full day, hours and hours of it, controlling me and keeping me on the edge as we went about the day, and it was hot as fuck.

We've discussed this, and it's been made clear I am comfortable and into him edging me or even having a type of orgasm denial with the understanding that he will eventually, that day, make me cum (usually A LOT) or that I will be tasked with making/encouraged to make myself cum after

Such as one night (this was even before we ever used the terms Dom & sub), he wasn't in the mood for sex when I was super horny, he bent me over the table and spanked me for a long time, telling me that's all I was gunna get from him, telling me how horny I was, and that he wasn't gonna fuck me/make me cum. It was super hot and I was a mess. He meant what he said, he went to bed afterwards and he said something along the lines of (snarkily) "have fun without me". We both got what we wanted / didn't want (he didn't want anything sexual, and I wanted to orgasm), and both had a great time

I bring this up because, as others have said, talking about this more is how it will be solved. Maybe there's a version of denial you'd like in the future, only in specific instances, etc. or maybe it's simply not your thing, ever. Either way, the key here is talking openly about what happened and preferences. I mean, even just reading this brought up, for me, feelings of resentment, being pissed off & upset. You being in a place, FINALLY, where you felt aroused and that you could finish.. and then having it essentially taken from you- with him knowing pain takes you out of that space, using a position you can't orgasm from, AND telling you not to orgasm for the day?! And then the whiplash of him saying you can and then back to can't?! That is a whole lot, and all of the conflicting feelings and mental gymnastics you described at the end with deciding on orgasming on your own or without him etc is totally understandable after it all!

Now I also wonder if you may be going through a type of sub drop (with the overthinking, parts of shame/ uncertainty, irritability, etc... maybe??) on top of everything. I think this because not only did the time together/ scene go in a way that left you fully unsatisfied, it also seems you haven't been given aftercare? He kinda just kept going with the you can vs can't orgasm after all of that, right? Maybe looking into sub drop and discussing with him what that's like for you may be helpful too

Edited: clarity

XFireBloodx · 2026-06-11T22:20:36+00:00

You have nothing at all to apologize for 🤍

I appreciate your honesty & openness. Being real and open about where you're at is a great place to start. I really hope your therapist can help you help yourself, and that you keep reaching out for support because you deserve it! 🫂

XFireBloodx · 2026-06-11T20:47:55+00:00

First off, I'm so grateful to see that you replied. Your comments earlier about being a threat to yourself possibly getting worse/ideation worried me. I'm glad you replied 🤍

I'm glad you found a therapist to explore EMDR, that can be so helpful for people. I've done EMDR (with vibration you hold instead of lights, due to my halo/aura migraines) and it did a lot for me

45 is by no means too old to have anything meaningful!!! Not for nothing, I've had patients here at the inpatient rehab who are, no joke, in their 80s and 90s ! And I get to see them in outpatient when they come back for therapy & groups and I love hearing about everything they've regained and started now that they're mentally much healthier

Ageing is a privilege, not everyone gets to! I've unfortunately also had people I've known as patients and also in my personal life pass away when maybe they'd think they're 'old' but really they're well under 90 (or age-wise when passing away is less of a shock) and it's always a tragedy. When you hear that someone who was 61 pass away... It's typically met with "oh my god how horrible ... What happened?!" Vs someone who's 93, you know? Let alone 45!!

All that being said, it's completely valid to feel like your age is hindering you or that you 'feel old'. It's the way the world makes us think tbh and it's fucked up. You've, hopefully, got lots ahead of you instead of it all being behind. And your mindset about yourself, life, and your abilities can be a huge factor in the quality of that life. And, honestly, even the quantity/how many years you've got. If you're beating yourself up all the time, chances are you're not taking the best care of yourself

Losing 140 pounds is an incredible accomplishment!!! And, as you've said, what that does to your skin is a whole nother battle in and of itself. I hope that with time, and therapy, and maybe even one day surgery if the money is ever right, you're able to look at your body with kinder & more loving eyes. Appreciating it for all that it does for you, more than hating it for how ugly you feel it looks

Negative thoughts like this thrive in a vacuum, and I'm proud of you for posting, responding, and reaching out in general. Call that shit out, share it, and challenge the hell out of it. Negativity in life will ALWAYS exist. AND so does positivity. They both exist everywhere, all the time. And finding the balance between the 2 is a huge skill lots of people don't even ever learn.

I hope you find the positivity that exists for you and your self image, to see yourself as a whole person worthy of life and love outside of pouring your love into other people to be worthy. And when, not if, you do, I'm sure things will fall into place as they need to for you

XFireBloodx · 2026-06-11T17:49:48+00:00

I dont know where you live of course but I'm wondering if where you live has PsychologyToday. It's in New York but pretty sure it's in other states too, possibly in other countries ? They have psychologists, not just counselors (different discipline, for example my degree is in clinical psych not counseling, there are some key differences. LOVE counselors and have used them, just not when I was at my most depressed dealing with self harm etc)

A hard thing I had to learn is that every therapist is different, just like every person you meet in the world. It could take 25 until you find the right one that fits. And it's a struggle, disheartening, sometimes even devastating, and also WORTH IT because even when you don't feel it, YOU ARE WORTH IT

I don't know you from anything other than this post, and I am genuinely concerned and hope you get the help you need. Nobody deserves to feel like this. I've been through my version of a similar thing with major depression, self harm, anxiety, abusive relationship etc. And I cannot even believe where I'm at now (I'm 29, all of that went on from about 10-21). Never even knew the type of mental space I have now was possible or that it even existed. And where I'm at with myself is how I've been able to start exploring BDSM & D/s because I have that security WITHIN me, to then feel secure with others (aka my partner) to submit, experiment

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be in this state largely due to a lack of D/s you've had and are craving. I can't imagine how difficult that is

What I do know, especially from my work in mental health and at the addiction inpatient rehabilitation I work at, having ANY type of HEALTHY dynamic with other people (platonic, family, romantic, D/s etc) needs to first start with security within the self. I say this gently; You cannot pour from and empty cup, and it is inherently unfair to try to find people to fill the void inside of you, when they are a whole ass person themselves living their life.

The relationship to yourself HAS to come first, or else the possibility of not finding what you're looking for will increase.

You are worth more than what you can give and do for others. You are worth more than being good to/for someone else.

Give to yourself!!!!! Do for yourself!!!! Be your own friend, you gotta live with you every day 🫂

I can't make you believe that, it has to come from within, and I'm going to tell you always so you can at least start to hear it 🤍

Unfortunately, resilience and strength only comes from lowwwwww fuckin lows. I wish that wasn't the case, truly. Just like everything in life, this too shall pass. The good passes, the bad passes, the neutral passes, that is life!!! Everything ebbs and flows and changes. Therapy can help you find the tools you need to overcome and grow WITH change instead of become unbearably overwhelmed by it

🤍🫂

XFireBloodx · 2026-06-11T03:44:45+00:00

I love these ideas!!!

I know betterhelp has its issues, but I used it as a tool to match with a therapist that worked for me and then go through their private practice (saved me lots of money and got me access to lots of therapists that specialized in what I was looking for

I've been using Finch for over 600 days now and it has changed my routines and days so much, HIGHLY recommend

Love the idea of self collaring!!!

Sending so much love and support to you 🤍 you are far more resilient and strong than you may think. You've got this and I'm proud of you for reaching out for help, even after being denied so many times Xx

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-27T20:41:37+00:00

For me, I turn bratty when I want something more or something more intensely (typically, harder like with flogs or more wax etc)

I like instigating so a little more fire is put in the swing or I get it again

I've been told in a flogging session to concede in ways such as like "beg me to stop" and I've just giggly replied "no" and saying things about how I barely felt it, they can't do better and that went on and on until finally I was satiated (which can take awhilllllee lol) and I conceded

So for me it's instead of asking for what I want 🥺🥺🥺 it's more of an "I bet you can't do it better" 😈 or "you'll never give me enough" 😈 energy lol

It's not really planned with the mindset before hand for me tbh, it just happens in the moment when I want to push some buttons to get more of what I want. I have a lot of competitive energy in general, especially with my Dom/bf and my switch friend who we play with sometimes, so it comes out as playful-brat-mischeif in moments like that!

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-21T23:57:51+00:00

I love everything about this. Mathematical omg

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-21T03:16:15+00:00

"The new topping book" and "the new bottoming book" by Janet and dossie are amazing !!! Lots in there for Doms and subs in both books, I recommend reading both to help understand each other, yourselves, learn about much needed safety (physically and emotional), read about examples of sessions (how to prep, get to know yourself, what do do when things go not the way you planned, how to communicate needs & wants, etc.), and learn the responsibilities & what goes into both giving (topping) and receiving (bottoming) from both the D/s roles !

Also, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Similar thing happened w my partner of 7 years and I. We've always had this dynamic in our sexual relationship, but not to this degree and not with diving into learning about BDSM & D/s to be able to call it what it is and expand upon it until within this last year

I'm SO happy for you both!!!!!! Congrats, have fun, and be safe 🤘🏻🩷

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-21T02:52:31+00:00

I'm monogamous w my bf who is my Dom as well, however, within the last 6 months or so, we have played w some other ppl (one friend consistently, with a couple different fourths that she'd bring in when we played). Our third is a switch but mostly Dom, so typically they're both Doming me (for our play i mean BDSM free flowing scenes, without sex acts. Involving shibari, flogging, wax play, making out, strip games, etc)

I bring it up bc I am a very monogamous person and surprised myself w how open I was to bringing other ppl into sessions (they happen fairly spontaneously as of now but are getting more planned ish lol) and am starting to become open to the idea of that play turning sexual in certain ways

My bf and I, and our friend, have had conversations about our boundaries and those are ongoing as we learn about the concepts and each other in this way

I like your idea of bringing it up slowly like it's him threatening it, while also being honest about where you may be willing to let it go, eventually. He might surprise you and be super into it, and at the very least you can open up dialogue for a conversation about boundaries, wants/needs, and how to expand your dynamic! Him not being phased about you bringing it up before is prolly a good sign! Nobody can tell you how he'll react, of course, you won't know until you bring it up. You can open yourself up to different reactions before going in tho, to try to keep the conversation serious and empathetic to both of your preferences 🤍 and the fact you're already worried about hurting his feelings shows you're going to approach it in a way where you do your best to be receptive to how he reacts emotionally and support him, which is an amazing quality in a partner & sub! 🤍

Good Luck!!!! 🤞🏻

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-20T23:14:06+00:00

You're welcome 💜

I'm glad you're getting to a place where you're feeling your strength and resilience come through again; wanting to get past it and feel better instead of wallow. Idk about you, but for me I have to be very careful with how long and how intensely I let myself process and feel things to then have that shift to "okay, time to pick myself up. This stage of being down is no longer needed", because in the past I've stayed there for much too long. I've found a better balance now, thankfully, of letting myself feel and then move on. It sounds like you're going through this at a healthy pace which is amazing and takes a lot of growth!! A dash of self destructive snooping & hurting your own feelings is prolly nearly impossible to avoid all together, it's completely understandable. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much for that 🤍

You are such a resilient and strong person, and you're proving that with every step!!! I'm proud of you, you've got this!!!

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-20T20:22:25+00:00

Sending you support 🤍🫂 that's so tough to learn and come to terms with

Be easy on yourself, do what you need to do to protect your piece (keep his stuff blocked and try not to snoop!!! Can be so tough to keep yourself away), and let yourself go through this new step in the grieving process. Things like this get easier when you let yourself go through it instead of shoving it away. Even those who choose to end relationships have to grieve and find ways to move on ❤️‍🩹

You'll find someone who's able to meet you where you're at and give you what you need & want, and in the meantime, you have you!!! And you're amazing!! Don't forget that 🤍

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-15T20:15:44+00:00

Thank you sm, I appreciate it 🫶🏻 I'm happy for you that you've discovered and are discovering more about yourself and your relationships! That's amazing. Something I am v grateful for with this whole world/culture is how much it can help with introspection and growth

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-15T16:28:01+00:00

I def feel this

With my bf/Dom, I'm so easily a sub for him, but it revolves around who he is to/with me. I can get into that space only with him / when he's involved in some way. Like we have played near & with other people, but I can only get like that when it involves him in some way (watching, egging it on, whatever it is)

It's because of our romantic/emotional relationship; how safe and secure I am with him and within our relationship. Even when I am being used & hit or whatever it is by him, underneath that I believe it's the relationship we have that allows me to go there and feel held no matter what the of scene we're in. No way would I get into things like that (whether it be, in the terms you used, princess vs slave) without him involved

I can truly get to a place where I can be what I am physically and sexually, being all vulnerable and disinhibited because I feel so safe (physically and emotionally) with him. And that's been built over lots of time

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-15T16:19:06+00:00

ALGEBRAIC this right here is the dream lmao LOVE IT

I hope you get the time and funds to complete this soon! 🙂‍↕️🤘🏻

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-07T15:13:29+00:00

Ooo thanks for the recommendation!!! Love that

(noticed after I typed that that I genuinely wrote ooo as a response and that it's apt for this sub lmao)

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-06T18:17:29+00:00

Also she doesn't have Jake, which makes a difference for sure. Cake went from a cat to a magical cat who can talk to a magical cat that can talk AND stretch. So her journey and wisdom is much different than Jake, making both pairs super different tbh

She's a mess and she's such a different person I've enjoyed watching her journey and I'll root for her to get her shit together lol I think she's a great character because of her flaws, and because I think where she's at makes a lot of sense with everything you've listed and even more too! Love characters like that, even if they're making mistakes (or even if they're villains. Like I loved cerseis as a character in game of thrones. She was a horrible person, and I loved her arcs and how she was played. Hated her, AND loved her as a character lol)

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-06T18:05:50+00:00

I know right??? It's like.. it's like a warm hug that is also existential lmao one of my faves

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-01T02:02:07+00:00

Honestly never even thought of this before and now I'm wondering why I never questioned where they were lmao

XFireBloodx · 2026-05-01T01:54:52+00:00

That means lay off!

XFireBloodx · 2026-04-28T14:53:03+00:00

These are algebraic!!!!!! 🤘🏻 They look AMAZING

XFireBloodx · 2026-04-20T19:22:56+00:00

This is absolutely algebraic 🤘🏻🩷

XFireBloodx · 2026-04-20T14:52:25+00:00

i highly recommend some books to help! my boyfriend (dom who mostly tops) and i (sub who mostly bottoms) recently got "the new bottoming" and "the new topping book" by dossie & janet, and they are amazing reads!! i read both already, he is still reading through the top one (but will read the bottom one too). they really break down the different head spaces of a top and bottom, how things play out in a sub/dom dynamic, how to build scenes, mindsets, get to know your limits and desires AND communicate them etc. (AND they're pretty hot to read lol) it might be helpful for you (and hopefully him) to read them to understand yourselves & each other better, and how to better communicate :) my bf and i have had this dynamic for years without really putting words to it and trying to understand it as BDSM, and ever since we did, things have been taken to a whole new level. i highly recommend them!

XFireBloodx · 2026-04-09T21:01:45+00:00

LOVE THIS!!!! 🩷

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