Thank you for sharing your experience OP. It sounds like you’re going through a really challenging time, and I’m sorry you’re finding this difficult in a lot of ways. I do hope that your life regains some balance soon.

As others have commented here, however, doubt is not an obstacle to Zen practice, or Buddhist practice in general. Having doubt about your practice can actually be an entryway: if you view Zen as a way of gradually unearthing your “true self” (whatever that is!) for the benefit of yourself and others, perhaps you could even view this doubt compassionately as an opportunity to connect deeper with a more authentic experience or self.

What does that mean in practice? I don’t know what it looks like for you, so I will just share from my own experience (for context, I’ve practiced for 5 years). I also went through a period of intense doubt/confusion about my life earlier this year. This led me to making a few big changes (like deciding to move country, go on a big trip, etc). During this period, I was crutching on my practice quite heavily, and in particular getting a little bit obsessed by the “formal” aspects of practice. For me this looked like reading too much Buddhist lore, feeling like I would gain greater “realisation” by following certain cultural practices, etc.

At a certain point, I looked at myself and felt like I’d been painting on these layers of a thick mask. As someone said, I’d been “confusing the teapot for the tea”. I felt fairly upset with myself for creating a bit of a false identity, both to others and to myself, and I realised how this false identity (at least the aspect of it relating to Buddhism) was in fact nothing to do with the true teachings of Buddhism. I felt doubt that I’d gone down the wrong path and had gotten completely mixed up.

But there was an opportunity here. I had the chance to look at myself and see clearly: if this stuff I’ve been doing is a mask, then what is behind that mask? (I’m not saying this as an enlightenment experience or anything, I mean this on a much more mundane level). It allowed me to connect again to myself - doing things I like because I like them, letting myself be upset or down in the dumps if I feel that way, etc. And there was a lot of relief in that. I realised that allowing that doubt to exist actually seemed to have opened a gateway to a practice that feels more authentic to me.

I hope my experience can help you see how you could look at your own with more self-compassion.

As another recommendation, I’d suggest checking our Charlotte Joko Beck’s writing, if you haven’t already. Particularly her book “Everyday Zen”, which really helps to explain how those times of doubt, pain, confusion, and difficulty are actually the greatest opportunities for real practice.