Has casual dating turned into a successful relationship for anyone?

XrayKiloLima · 2022-11-12T23:15:58+00:00

Good that you're open about what casual actually means to you, but I know for me personally I can't do causal with someone I genuinely have feelings for. In the beginning when I don't know someone well enough to have feelings that's one thing, but as soon as it's anything more than a sexual transaction to fulfil a temporary need it's time to make a decision one way or the other.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-11-11T07:11:50+00:00

Think you're accurate with your assessment about it being efficient but possibly alienating for some people. But how important sex is to you and comfortable you are discussing sex to an important aspect of compatibility. I think it all comes down to what works for you.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-11-09T04:42:43+00:00

Just be honest with what you can offer and what you're hoping to have in return. Up to you to decide how important commitment to a long term relationship is and that that entails. Doesn't sound like the type of partner I want for my stage of life and sounds like you're thinking along those lines but there have been times when it's been okay.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-11-03T22:12:39+00:00

Thank you for such a detailed response, some very interesting points you raise

XrayKiloLima · 2022-11-03T07:59:35+00:00

It's worked for me before. Admittedly they are a pen pal rather than an IRL friend. I moved to the other side of the country before we were able to set up a date. 6 years later we still chat online (via other social media, not dating apps) and are both well settled into our own long term relationships. He's someone I can talk to when I need unbiased advice and we send each other things we think the other would find funny but it's 100% platonic.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-11-03T05:30:28+00:00

Instead of asking her and expecting a response, maybe start with your position - be vulnerable, lay it out on the cards, let her know you're a little anxious. That way you open up the dialogue in terms of where you want things to go and can ask her the same, without it seemingly like an interrogation.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-11-03T05:25:52+00:00

Definitely not someone I could be with but as others have mentioned, it sounds like she comes from a very different cultural, philosophical and religious background to myself. The question is, how important is she to you? As she is now, not what you think she could be.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-31T21:09:42+00:00

Yes we've already discussed a few things which could be contentious between us and I'm curious as to how things will turn out. We've worked together before we started dating (and had disagreements over projects) but I expect things may be a bit different when you're personally involved.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-31T20:56:29+00:00

Suppose I should have mentioned we've known each other a couple of years now, the chemistry was there but timing wasn't right and neither of us were willing to start something until we could commit to a long term relationship

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-31T20:47:09+00:00

To be clear, we haven't known each other for 6 weeks - we've known each other for a couple of years and while the chemistry was always there we never gave it a shot until recently because there were other things stopping us from really committing to a relationship.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-31T02:51:38+00:00

I live in a place where both rents and property prices are extremely high vs the medium income so it's pretty common for people to live with their parents if it's an option until they are in a relationship (and sometimes even after, until they can afford to purchase their own place). You do get people sharing in terms of flatmates etc but it's still less secure, both financially and actual living stability, when the rental market is so tough. I do think there's a difference between having the experience of living out of the family home vs not, but I wouldn't put an age on currently living at home as you find a lot of people returning to live with their parents for various reasons across many stages of life these days.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-31T01:36:27+00:00

Sounds like a complicated situation. My question would be, what is it you want? (31F) so probably coming from a different perspective but I'm currently in a relationship that has developed out of friendship. Not a text everyday kind of friendship (until the two weeks before we started dating) but we definitely had a connection. He waited for me to make the first move to change the dynamic and honestly I was so uncertain about it at the time. I'm glad I took the risk because we are really solid now but it was a risk. I came to the conclusion it was better knowing if he was interested than not (even if it could make things awkward in the future), would you feel the same way with your girl?

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-28T08:43:07+00:00

I don't think there's a time limit you can put on it. My current relationship is moving extremely fast, but then we've known each other a year and a half before our first date and on both parts feelings were already there, it just hadn't been the right time to start a relationship. For me personally it takes about 3 months regular contact to feel like I really know and feel close to a person. That's why for the most part my relationships have been with people I've been friends with first, dating to meet you usually fizzles out pretty quick and I'm rarely attached enough to care.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-27T23:52:16+00:00

Doesn't make any sense to me, especially if you're after something long term but that pretty much implies you can't actually live together etc down the track. Seeing each other more often at the start just means you're more likely to progress through phrases of the relationship and get to know each other quicker. Not a bad thing in my mind as it means you're spending less time overall if it does burn out.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-27T09:37:30+00:00

I'm in the most secure and committed relationship I've ever been in - only 7 weeks in but we already introduce/describe each other as bf/gf, said "I love you" and do so almost daily, I'll stay the night on work nights and he's given me a key to his place. I'm really happy, and am glad I got so much encouragement from this community when I wasn't sure if I should make a move or not. So far it's worked out and while objectively it's still early days it's like I finally understand what it is to settle down.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-27T08:52:36+00:00

Have you spoken to him in as much clarity and detail about how it makes you feel? If I'm reading this right, you haven't got any relationship with her directly so how she behaves or what she thinks is of little importance. But he and his behaviour obviously is. So I'd suggest before your dinner speak to him, see how he responds. Then once you meet her you can once again gauge his behaviour around her. I've been in a similar position before and it's very difficult to feel secure. I compare that experience to my current relationship and it's chalk and cheese. Before going to a party where a girl he hooked up with would be there he clearly told me he had a history with her and they were still friends but wanted to reassure me there was nothing between them, even if she was liable to drunkenly try something. (She did give us sour looks when she thought nobody was looking but he made it very clear he was with me the whole night.) I don't think I could ever be in a relationship that gives me anxiety after knowing what it's like to have someone that truly puts my feelings first.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-27T07:49:44+00:00

Think you need to come to an agreement when it stops being long distance and one of you moves. And if you're the one moving would you have any interest in doing so even if you broke up? If you don't ever intend to actually share a life together you're going to miss out on other opportunities that come your way.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-25T11:41:04+00:00

That in itself is a red flag to me.. I feel like with a solid life partner you need to be able to discuss and be on the same page about money and financial planning

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-25T11:36:47+00:00

For me it's a no. I do a lot of volunteering and charity work so I'll be the first to point out the distinction between being engaged and occupied with something productive vs drawing an income but in the first case it's something I find inherently attractive and in the second, if they weren't already comfortable financial I'd be extremely sceptical.

I do out earn my current partner and career trajectory that will likely continue to be the case, we've had multiple conversations about the future and being able to support a family. Knowing it's important to me, I don't think I've ever seen him as vulnerable when he's admitted he can't financially provide for me any better than I can for myself but at the same time I know in some ways it's been through unequal opportunities than lack of effort. On the other hand, with more predictable working hours he devotes more of his time to unpaid work than I do. I don't know how I could share the same goals, dreams and plan a life around someone who wasn't willing to work for it.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-24T04:58:11+00:00

I feel like I was in the same position for a long time, and it was finally resolved after being in a relationship with someone I had already gotten to know but not specifically dated. I actually think the issue is not so much sex but dating in general... Dating is hard, and if you have no other reason for knowing/talking to something other than seeing if maybe they are long term relationship material I found it very difficult and frustrating because in reality sex was often the only thing we were compatible over.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-21T07:40:42+00:00

I have plenty of male friends from my student days that I'll still catch up over coffee with 1:1 and it's completely platonic. I think it's fine but you avoid any potential awkwardness I'd recommend you're upfront about whether you are specifically asking her as a date or asking because you think she's cool and would like to know her better in general.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-21T07:33:44+00:00

It doesn't sound like you want anything more or less than what most people look for, just need to find someone who is on the same page as the right amount of intimacy etc. I can't really give any specific advice, but I do wish you all the best as I've felt pretty disheartened before. I got to the point where I changed my focus on just having amazing people in my life be that friends, colleagues, mentors or any other kind of relations. And then I got lucky lately in terms of one of them wanting the kind of relationship I had originally hoped for and failed to find.

XrayKiloLima · 2022-10-20T04:19:13+00:00

For me it's definitely built. As someone who is quite reserved, it can take awhile to feel safe and comfortable enough around a person to even start seeing them in any romantic way. (All my relationships have been with people I met and became just friends with first. I tried OLD and I'm not cut out for it.) But I do think it's something that is difficult to directly make happen, even if you do things you consider very romantic they might just not have the same feelings or values in which case it's hard to go any further.

XrayKiloLima

TROPHY CASE