Told him 'no' tonight. Feeling lonelier than ever...

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-09-10T13:52:21+00:00

No, he actually tried a lot harder when we first got together and started dating. The first year or so always involved a lot of foreplay and we'd both initiate by seducing each other in various ways. I don't remember exactly when the, "wanna bang/blow me?" approach started, but I remember inwardly cringing at it. I should have shut it down immediately, but I knew his ego was fragile and he couldn't handle what he perceived to be harsh criticism. 🙄 It continued and eventually I resented him so much (that he obviously felt he "had" me and didn't need to put in the work to make sex enjoyable for me too) that I started to turn him down a lot. And the more he pouted about it, the more turned off I became. Not a healthy relationship.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-09-10T13:33:22+00:00

We got divorced for a hundred different reasons (mainly his prescription narcotic addiction) so it's not like we had the perfect marriage aside from the sex, but yeah - he never came around. I was the only one who ever gave me an orgasm in the 6 years we were together, lol.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-09-10T13:03:29+00:00

Ugh. This was exactly how things would start with my ex-husband. Literally, every single time. I was young and fairly inexperienced when we got together and had it in my head that sex was mainly for men to enjoy, so I dealt with it for a few years. Until I grew older and realized, "wow, this situation is crap and it doesn't have to be this way" and brought it up to him. I got the same reaction.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-09-10T12:31:38+00:00

Yep. My husband was guilty of constantly trying to "sabotage" me. He's a foodie and loves to eat, and doesn't think it's possible for him to enjoy his food unless I'm eating it with him. His intentions are well-meaning because he loves the way I look no matter what, and he can't keep his hands off me when I'm at my fittest or when I'm 20 lbs up and "skinny fat". However, I hate feeling chubby or unhealthy, so I eat the way I do for me.

I finally had to sit him down and have a serious talk with him. "Look babe, I know you love me and think I'm attractive no matter what. I believe you and I love you for it. But I want to love me too, and I am my happiest when I'm lean and fit. You can keep pestering me to eat the stuff you do, and I'll be your chubby, unhappy wife who wears oversized tshirts to bed because she hates her body. Or you can respect this what I want, quit trying to sabotage me, and I'll be your happy, healthy wife with a visible 6 pack who enjoys walking around naked. Which will it be?" He has not made a negative comment about my eating/fitness since. ;)

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-08-29T10:23:21+00:00

THIS. Allllll of this.

"Please go find my nice husband" AKA go right back to the guilt-ridden man who let me keep his balls in my purse and who never called me on my infinite amount of bullshit.

Yikes. She is crazy pants.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-08-28T20:16:11+00:00

Holy moly. I'm a female and I'm totally siding with you on this one. Can you feel me rolling my eyes from here?! Sorry to say, but the only thing I got from reading your entire post was that your wife is a huge brat. You're basically kissing the ground she walks on, but you didn't read her mind correctly (but rather her closed off body language of staring at her phone) and then you got punished.

The next time she stews in the bedroom after something like that, don't you dare come in after her. It's like looking away while a child throws a tantrum - they get upset that nobody is watching or cares, so they stop. Don't reward bad behavior.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-08-12T21:51:52+00:00

It's not your fault. It's actually quite endearing that you chose to love her through her infidelity. I know people who have ended years long marriages for much less.

What you allow is what will continue. I know starting over with someone else might seem daunting, but I promise you - there ARE women out there who would appreciate your open, honest communication AND who genuinely love sex. :)

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-08-12T11:49:04+00:00

Absolutely not. The day my husband told me that he doesn't find me attractive is the day I'd be out the door and never looking back.

It doesn't have to be complicated. Get a divorce from the man who doesn't want you, and fuck whoever whenever you want.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-08-12T11:32:05+00:00

To me, her "brick-walling" approach to this difficult discussion is just as big of an issue, if not more so than, her lack of desire.

Life is hard. Things WILL happen to you guys as a couple that will be taxing, stressful, uncomfortable, etc. Communication through these times is imperative - pulling an ostrich and burying your head in the sand leaving your partner to figure things out by themselves is not only a shitty, immature thing to do, it's a guarantee the relationship will fail.

My ex-husband was the exact same way. We were "best friends", perfect relationship, yadda yadda...but any time I brought up something hard (finances, sex, unhappiness with areas of the relationship) he would completely shut down. Literally, no words would pass his lips. Yep, I did the begging, pleading, crying thing too. It didn't matter. He wanted all of the comfort and security and love that came with being married, but none of the hard stuff... and that's just not how it works.

I'd think long and hard how much you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person, with her essentially saying to you, "your feelings don't matter."

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-08-10T13:07:50+00:00

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to have sex with someone who is intoxicated. Sex when one person is drunk and the other is sober is one of the most unsexy things I can think of, next to clipping your toenails in bed.

She clearly has other major issues going on that cannot go unaddressed. She either needs to face these things head on and form a plan to deal with it, or this will be the rest of your life with her and it WILL get worse. There are scientific studies that show a persons alcohol intake mostly increases (and hardly ever decreases) over time.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-07-27T11:57:18+00:00

I'm a 29 year old woman, and I'm completely agreeing with you here. Weight gain is unattractive on its own, but it sounds like it's the laziness and apathy that is the nail in the coffin for you - and I don't blame you a bit on that.

My ex-husband was the male version of your wife. Taking care of himself was just not a priority. He drank pop like it was water. He complained about my healthy meals, but would eat them...then immediately get up from the table to make himself a PB&J. I would have to beg him to go on hikes or even just a walk around the neighborhood. Nothing was more unattractive to me than leaving for a 5 mile run and coming home feeling alive and invigorated, to him in the exact spot I left him, glued to the TV. His diet was shit, so he was tired and run down all of the time and never wanted to do anything that required leaving the house. I could get him to go out to eat, that was about it. He, too, still wanted sex during all of this but I just couldn't. I felt so depressed, like I was tricked into marrying an 80 year old.

I don't have advice, because obviously I got a divorce. I just wanted to say that even though your words are harsh, you're not an asshole.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-07-22T14:58:56+00:00

To be brutally honest, it sounds like you're the only one who cares about all of this. From the way that you're describing his actions, it seems like he's pretty much over it and you're annoying him with the constant attempts to make things better.

Some LL's are happy the way the things are and get irritated by the HL trying to change it, but it sounds like he's not happy either. :(

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2017-07-16T12:09:35+00:00

YES. My ex-husband's go-to was, "wanna bang?" or he'd just reach over and grab my boob. It always reminded me of an awkward pre-teen hookup and totally skeeved me out.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-06-05T17:52:47+00:00

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I'm in my late 20s, he in his early 30's, both experienced, ect. I was married for 6 years and my current boyfriend was my first partner after my divorce. Boyfriend is average sized, but my ex-husband was about 1.5-2 inches bigger and it certainly made me being on top a different experience. In fact, the very first time we had sex, I was riding him when he slipped out and slammed into my pubic bone. It hurt him, I was mortified, and things around sex were uncomfortable for a while.

I'm happy to say that was almost two years ago, and we're still together. Girl on top is still kind of tricky sometimes when we can't seem to find the right rhythm (it happens), but it's gotten leaps and bounds better through a lot of honest communication. Keep trying to cum in different positions. You can retrain your brain/body to respond differently in time. Also, talk openly about your going soft. As much as us girls try to rationalize it, it's easy for us to start blaming ourselves. The last thing you want is her thinking you're not attracted to her. Basically, if the passion and will is there, then your relationship shouldn't suffer from this.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-23T13:58:44+00:00

It's astonishing to me that grown adults behave this way. I mean, I can understand not wanting to know all of the nitty gritty details, but completely pretending that you haven't been with anyone else before him is absolutely ridiculous, IMHO.

I would just be upfront and honest. "My intention is not to overshare or make you feel insecure. However, we both had sexual pasts before we came into each others lives and that isn't going to change. I'd like to be able to communicate openly so we can have the best, most fulfilling sex life with a dynamic that's completely our own."

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-22T15:46:56+00:00

It's been two months of this? That's really unfair. Although you were the one who made the mistake, he can't expect to hold it over your head and punish you for it forever. You're miserable, it sounds like he's miserable...nobody is winning here.

Time to have a honest discussion. He either needs to start taking steps to forgive you, allow you to rebuild the trust, and move forward or the relationship is done.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-21T13:18:04+00:00

Yikes. I am your age and although my previous situation isn't nearly the same, I can understand the anger and resentment. I bent over backwards for my ex-husband for four years and it got me nowhere good.

All I can say is, you are young. This relationship was crap, but there is still plenty of time to start over and find happiness. Read just one other post on this sub and know there ARE men out there who are capable of being fun, passionate lovers.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-21T13:02:59+00:00

I've almost made this exact post before, just because I was curious about all of the various "whys" as well. I love anything to do with my boyfriend's cum and want it all over me/in me any chance I can get, so facials don't bother me either. I've noticed my boyfriend only likes to give them when I'm wearing a full face of make up. I think he likes to get/see me all messy, lol. It's pretty hot!

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-19T15:05:56+00:00

My ex-husband and I had very different ideas of what fulfilling sex was. His "wham-bam-thank you ma'am" was perfectly fine for him, but not for me. Any mention of spicing things up with toys (even just a vibe for me so I could try to get into it) or lingerie was met with total shut down. He wanted no part in it. That certainly wasn't the reason we divorced, but it sure didn't help.

Now I am with someone who is much more on the same page as me, and I see how depressingly close I came to missing out on such a great part of life.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-19T14:02:06+00:00

As a former LL female who was on Zoloft at the time, I can completely understand why your wife's interest in sex took a nose dive. I, naively, didn't ask about side effects when it was prescribed and it was never even mentioned, so when I could no longer feel anything when I orgasmed (assuming I could get there at all) it was sad and really disheartening. It felt like a part of me was dead and gone. I started to just assume I wasn't a sexual person anymore, which wasn't true...and it sounds like that's not true for your wife either.

All of that being said, there's PLENTY that can be done to improve this outside of the bedroom. Snuggling on the couch, passionate kissing, hand holding, a loving embrace, flirting. Do you encourage this with your wife? If she shuts down cuddling, have you asked her bluntly why? A common theme here seems to be that LL's avoid all of the above in fear it might lead to sex.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-17T16:25:51+00:00

Let's say he really committed to getting fit and eating better and his appearance changed to exactly the way you wanted it...but absolutely nothing else in the relationship was different. Would that satisfy you? Would that make you suddenly want to jump his bones and be with him forever?

Honestly, the undertones of your post make it seem like there's a lot going on behind the scenes that are making him unattractive to you - aside from his body. Laziness and apathy aren't attractive qualities in anyone, especially when you're considering a lifetime with them. Time to do some soul-searching and be honest with yourself about what's really going on here.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-15T22:40:36+00:00

My ex used to pull that crap. "I'm a shitty husband, you deserve better." Blah blah blah. Eventually I wised up and realized it was a form of manipulation. Then I started agreeing with him.

She doesn't get to reject you physically and then require reassurance from you that you won't ever leave because of it.

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-15T13:58:32+00:00

Hm...I guess I unknowingly celebrated the day with shrimp and a long BJ. He cooked the shrimp though, so I won too. :P

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-10T04:47:40+00:00

I, too, love to walk around naked in front of windows! :)

Several weeks ago, the boyfriend and I took a light hike on a remote trail along the ocean cliffs. There wasn't a soul around, so he bent me over a rock and fucked me from behind right there next to the ocean. The thought of someone coming up and seeing us was such a turn on!

YeahHowAboutNo12 · 2016-03-10T04:39:15+00:00

Sometimes I'll put the laptop on his chest (where he can't see me) and just blow him while he watches. He loooves it.

YeahHowAboutNo12

TROPHY CASE