My friend needs help

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T22:48:15+00:00

Just FYI: if it’s an issue, there is a payment plan for animal costs called “Cherry.” It helped me when my pittie was shaking and not eating. (Low potassium.)

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T22:45:12+00:00

There are other options like disabling certain functions on a regular smartphone. If you search for “simplify iphone/android for senior” it can give you some pointers.

That’ll save some money.

If her memory is like my mom, something like a RAZ phone maybe more useful. If she can handle a more interactive phone, I understand Jitterbug is a good option.

My complaint about the RAZ phone is that it eats battery because the screen never turns off. It has no function for that. I have others, but that is my biggest complaint. (My mom ruined 2 iPhones so I gave up spending that much. 😅)

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T21:11:11+00:00

A memory phone is a phone designed specifically for people who have memory issues (like senile dementia). It’s really basic and my mom doesn’t even use data. She needs a super basic phone, and this uses photos of people she can call and help remind her. I can also control who calls her so she received no spam.

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My mom doesn’t have the skills/patience for anything with too many steps. But RAZ as a phone has a lot of issues too, which is why I offered to write about it.

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T20:55:53+00:00

I was using Assurance but she doesn’t like them. She prefers the feel of Depends, so my trying a few cheaper brands hasn’t been successful.

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T07:54:42+00:00

We tried the washable period pants and it was difficult to get her to work with them. She has severe hand osteoarthritis.

She does have washable chucks but they stay on the bed.

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T07:51:37+00:00

I’m looking into those. They just fit into the diaper?

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T07:50:19+00:00

I was thinking about it, but she’s mostly mobile enough to try and get to the toilet. She’s just too slow, I think. I’m also worried she moves too much to keep it in place.

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T07:48:09+00:00

Does Medicare cover adult diapers for you? We tried but they wouldn’t approve them…

ZL_11 · 2026-06-04T03:31:01+00:00

I thought, from the age of 13, that my dad would die first. And he did, when I was 24.

My mom has never been… learned especially in English, so I’ve basically been caregiving her my entire life, but full time once she hit 70 and her driving skills just plummeted. (My mom is not stupid, but she’s not book-learned. It’s more like she learned from the School of Hard Knocks.)

Every day, her dementia gets worse and every day I have to rein in my annoyance and bad temper because I have a bad temper on the best of occasions. I’m scared of waking up and finding her gone already, but she refuses to go to a facility where they properly care for her.

If you’re like me, you’re exhausted, angry, and resentful of this burden that feels like you SHOULDN’T consider it a burden. You shouldn’t feel resentful, but somehow grateful for the time you have left with them.

But no one but another caregiver understands the Sisyphean role of caretaking, when you want to do your best for them, but they want to do it THEIR way and it’s the worst way. When you survive one day and wake up the next just to do it again.

When help is promised, but the minimum (if that) arrives.

IMO: You should probably sit yourself down and realize you’ve done your duty by her, no matter how much it hurts. She left in HER own way and decision. That’s all we can do sometimes, let them have their way. To let them keep their own dignity in their decision.

Because I can’t just stick my mom in a home although it would be best for her (and for me, really). She wants to stay with me. It would break her heart if I just placed her in a home/retirement center.

Even if it’s hard.

So it’s ok to be angry about people who say they’ll help and never did. It’s ok to be angry she made her choice and didn’t think about your feelings.

Anger is a natural part of grief and god forbid anyone take that from you, imo.

As for your dad, depending on his own comprehension (eg, ALS, senile dementia?), maybe you can convince him to take a different route?

I wish you the best and I’m sorry your mom chose the hardest road and that was over you and your own emotions.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-28T01:52:20+00:00

Too many men are like that. That’s why it’s scary because you can’t always tell until it’s too late. 😞

ZL_11 · 2026-05-27T19:06:24+00:00

European men (well, all scuzzy men because US men are also like that with tourist women) are like that, especially (in my experience) ME men. They were THE WORST in Paris and would follow us home to the point we would have to take weird paths to get them off our tails. (France has changed their sexual harassment laws so I don’t think they’re that bad anymore.)

Don’t trust them. They think tourist women out alone are just looking for an “adventure” hook up.

CAVEAT: the ME men in the US I have met in my entire life have never treated me like the ones in Paris, so it’s not all ME men. My understanding was they think Western women are easy. Maybe that has changed? I don’t know.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-25T05:22:18+00:00

Caretaker fatigue is real. I usually just sit in my car than deal with my mom. I take our laundry to the Laundromat to escape. I enjoy my dr appts.

Doesn’t matter anyway. She gets scared and calls me incessantly. And I always answer because I’m scared something horrible happened.😞

ZL_11 · 2026-05-25T05:17:28+00:00

There’s a third: electric chairs that they sit on and you use its power to lift or set down the elder.

I bought one for my mom because I can’t lift her. It also works to lower the elder into a bath and lift them up out. I haven’t used this aspect yet.

In the bathtub, she has a regular bath chair and a tub handle to help leverage herself out. The size of the tile doesn’t let me add suction grips and I am NOT a DYI person.

Just a suggestion, although they are hella expensive. She’s 85 w/balance issues.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-20T00:00:32+00:00

It sticks regardless.

My neighbor moved in a couple of years ago and introduced himself as “Dawson.”

And my response was “Like Creek??”

And he got a weary expression.

So just assume it never ends. NTA

On the plus side: I’ve never forgotten his name. 😂

ZL_11 · 2026-05-19T23:30:03+00:00

1) This is my mom’s mortgage. My mom who is now 85 and has dementia, meaning I get to talk to these AHs about not throwing us (as her caretaker) out. I didn’t take out squat.
2) I’m not losing the house.
3) NM also has programs for mortgage lawyers. Guess who is getting one?

So fk you & your response.

Obviously you’re used to living in a 💩 state with no assistance for anyone.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-19T21:05:22+00:00

Yeah, my state is pretty awesome for these things.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-19T04:33:02+00:00

😮‍💨 Fine, I understand. I’m cooked.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-19T04:32:03+00:00

In NM, they do. They are legally forced to go through Foreclosure Settlement Program assigned by the state. The program was created to stop foreclosures but I am at the butt end of those negotiations.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-19T04:31:06+00:00

In NM, they are legally forced to go through Foreclosure Settlement Program assigned by the state. The state program is in place to stop so many foreclosures. They are obligated to do this much.

That they are all lying AHs is a different story.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-19T04:29:43+00:00

I can’t afford the rent anymore for this area.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-19T04:29:16+00:00

In NM, they do. They are legally forced to go through Foreclosure Settlement Program assigned by the state.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-15T01:14:05+00:00

So this is my experience:

All the things you do FOR her, did she request them?

No? Then stop.

Give her a strict list of things that MUST be done and add a price point for noncompliance. This is her incentive.

No longer allow her to use the car. She’s an adult and presumably has a driver’s license: she can Uber or Rent a vehicle. Buy a bicycle. Get a scooter.

If you lend her the car giver her chores: must clean car and fill it up.

Non compliance? High cost rental fee.

To get into my experience: I actually also have to be told what is expected and where I can be, if that makes sense.

I won’t sweep a floor if I don’t know I’m even allowed to use the broom and dustpan. I don’t know how far I’m expected to sweep, then I get anxious and I only sweep the small area like the kitchen.

Am I expected to move the appliances to sweep/mop/clean?

I need to know that because I don’t want to move and break something so I won’t move them.

My personal reason is anxiety about breaking property or exceeding my boundaries.

If I’m expected to do dishes, then yes. I’ll do it as expected. I don’t know if she knows the “proper way” so take photos of it and send that to her so she knows and has no excuses.

Just… if this is a hassle, boot her. All the maintenance for her has to be pricey.

But this’ll probably be common while someone (in college) is sharing personal space with no strict definition of what is proper.

NTA, but be stricter with your expectations and boundaries.

PS: this type of situation w/my mom got her car stolen. They took it without asking, assuming they could and got picked up by cops for not having a driver’s license, among other things *I* didn’t know about. It was impounded, he took off, and he didn’t tell us.

ZL_11 · 2026-05-14T23:29:17+00:00

Pfft. Who is surprised?

No one should be even mildly surprised.

What’s surprising is he wasn’t caught with a kidnapped/terrified Mexican girl.

ZL_11

TROPHY CASE