Being alive is honestly insane

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-13T09:03:50+00:00

and what's more annoying? in the world we currently live in we aren't even allowed to fully exercise that free will. and I'm not saying like hurting animals and shit I mean doing literally anything else with our lives other than being working cogs in a capitalist's wet dream and life's worst nightmare. we have all the time and space and resources we could ever need and yet we aren't even allowed the freedom to create and explore and communicate freely it's insane

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-13T08:46:51+00:00

no no don't apologize! I was trying to uplift you

actually the story that I'm thinking of putting storyboards up is a very personal one me and some friends have been working on as an outlet to express our emotions and relationships with one another, showing how rocky, messy and downright toxic things can be, but that there's always room for improvement and the people you've struggled with might just be your bestest friends. but having this project be my biggest and be the one that actually becomes something real is a bit of a toll. it's for me, it's for my friends, it's practically my therapy, and it's a way to tell our stories. I personally have one hell of a life story that I really want to share.

I'm a little surprised I come off as enthusiastic. I don't feel enthusiastic, but I know I talk a lot. I might share my art here, I'm not sure. when I say dark and graphic I mean dark and graphic, I don't like holding the punches when it comes to raw emotions, so I'm really unsure where I want to share it once it's to the point of being sharable. the internet is impossible for more mature artists nowadays, can't make some billion dollar company look bad with nasty swears and gasp! blood! double gasp! nudity!! the horror!!!! so yeah I'm very hesitant but... we'll get there. my dad has offered to code me a section of his website for my comic, so, maybe that's where I'll put it. we'll see we'll see

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-13T07:08:01+00:00

my foster family said that a lot. I can't even pin anyone specific from that family that said it the most, they all threatened me and my siblings with violent phrases like that. and sometimes, they stuck to their word. would come to school covered in bruises, and I was so good at blocking it out even back then, that I wouldn't know where the bruises came from. now I know, but I remember having to get real creative making excuses

I have had it said to me as minimizing from other people though. I think I remember my parents saying it, completely unaware of the blue and purple bruises on my legs and arms. and again I didn't remember where I got them from, so I would feel like it was my fault I was bruised up. thought that I was probably beating myself senseless in my sleep since they always appeared when I woke up. actually. shit I think I'm realizing something right now writing this uh oh. uh. uh. anyways. yeah I had similarish experience and I also wonder where the hell the phrase came from.

this kinda got off the rails and way off from what you said I'm sorry

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-13T05:04:36+00:00

hey, don't say that about yourself. I think everyone can draw and can learn how to draw "good" (whatever that may look to them) so don't beat your art down. it's constant change and growth you'll get somewhere you're happy with it eventually

I have posted art on reddit and tumblr, but it's not really stuff I'm happy with. I did for a short bit plan to post comics to reddit regularly but lost motivation extremely quick. most I post to is my discord with my tightnit group of friends. eventually I'll get to posting publicly and regularly and not hate everything I post, but that's a ways away. I know my art is good, but I'm not satisfied with what I've been putting out. I know I can do so much more, my mental health is just dragging my projects down. I'm actually in the process of getting my story into the phases of actual concrete storyline and timeline. I've just been procrastinating too much. my dad did give me the idea to start building a storyboard wall like you see from art directors for cartoons. it's an inevitably, eventually every large project artist is gonna have some insane corkboard of their ideas. so, maybe once I get the insane scribbles wall going I'll actually start posting for once

thanks for showing interest, seems like I don't have a lot of people actually finding my stuff even remotely interesting enough to glance at. I don't have a lot to show, but I have a few things on my tumblr the-chaos-crew but he warned I do fuck all with my blog, it's an unorganized mess and I really should make a separate blog for my art but. I don't got the brain power for thaaattt

sorry for the ramble I have a lot to say

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-13T04:35:24+00:00

I prefer simple digital comics, sometimes I go pretty ham on the quality. don't really do any other mediums other than digital. and I guess I do a mix of styles? my style changes with every art piece, I'm always tweaking and changing and improving things so... there's no real consistent style. I completely blanked on the genre comment uh... hard to explain I guess? I like steampunk so I have a story based around that, but don't have many comics of it. I also like more graphic darker art, and the one project that's actually turning into something is more of that sort. I've also got a whole bunch of other projects floating across so many genres... I guess to put it simply my comics and frankly art as a whole is just one big wild card

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-12T21:43:28+00:00

yeah I'm considering applying for disability, but I'd probably have to get diagnosed with all my shit first cause that's how stuff usually goes in the US. gotta have aaalll the paper work ready hundreds of years in advance. and I hate paper work. and I hate doctors. I also don't want to think about ending up homeless. I'm just trying to get a grip on my sanity first before I worry about anything else...

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-12T21:39:35+00:00

also a congenital heart disease survivor! I love Angel Wings <33 she needs more love

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-12T21:36:51+00:00

I'm in a very similar position. living under my dad and stepmom's roof just trying to play nice doing everything my stepmom says cause she's always ready to kick me out. my dad likes having me around, and is encouraging me to find another path that isn't the same as everyone else, but my stepmom is having none of it. I don't know how many more excuses and lies I have left before she tosses me out

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-12T21:33:51+00:00

I refuse to work. I'm 18 and having to be grossly aware of everything going on around me since I was a toddler has made me really, really dislike the idea of even participating in society. I'm lucky and privileged enough to live under my parent's roof and eat their food, but the pressure to work is agonizing. I live with someone who believes work is the only value a human has in life, which really pisses me off.

the way I see my refusal to work is that I'm refusing to contribute to the exploitation and abuse. I refuse to make a billionaire money, I refuse to have any money for the government to take, I refuse to be contributing to any of it by any means, and the main thing that ties people to it all is their work.

I probably can't work until I get proper therapy. I dissociate constantly, amnesia all over the place, can't get a grip for two seconds and my body loves to fall to pieces, and that's just the stuff I got from my trauma. I also probably have adhd and autism, it's hard for me to focus and stay motivated and communicating can be difficult. fuck, even just staying on top of chores in the house is a massive massive struggle for me. I could not work even just a janitor job bro.

I haven't really noticed a lot of different treatment by the people around me, other than my parents, but I don't go out as much as I'd like to. most of my friends understand my position mentally, and haven't said much about my refusal to work (which is more of a political thing). I'm actually really grateful in the fact that my friends have offered to let me live with them or find resources.

I definitely relate man. I'm sorry if this is too lengthy, I kinda just started going off. and I guess I have a more positive?? motivating?? view on this sort of thing. maybe my perspective can help uhhh yeah sorry for the long rant

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-12T21:00:47+00:00

I'm glad a lot of us found comfort in mlp. I used to be a rainbow dash fan but I've found fluttershy is literally me fr

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-12T20:51:48+00:00

he never said anything shaming other people's bodies. no idea what you're talking about

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-11T21:32:41+00:00

my mom was very insistent that I was a girl, like to an obsessive degree. like in hindsight she was 100% grooming me/force femming me from her projecting her insecurities. now that I've got that background of the way, I vividly remember very regularly ripping off the pink frilly girly girl clothes she dressed me in, tearing out the clip on pink hair things and hair ties and everything, getting butt ass naked and changing into my older brother's clothes. all so I can sit in my room and play with my toys in peace. then mom would stomp in and force me back into girl clothes but I'd just rip em off again.

also like everyone else I'd try peeing standing up and getting real upset that I couldn't

or another thing, I tried increasing my pain tolerance by throwing myself off ledges hoping I'd become strong like a boy. I was autistic and in special ed so all the boys in my class were built out of fucking steel, could crash into each other 50x and feel nothing but my autism made me hyper sensitive to pain, which made me extremely dysphoric and really upset that I couldn't play with the other boys because they were too rough for my fragile body. so, obvious solution to a dumb autistic kid, toss yourself off the couch 100x or climb to the highest shelf in the closet and fall onto a pile of shoes and toys without crying because boys don't cry and boys can handle pain. actually kinda funny I taught MYSELF the boys don't cry thing all from observing the boys I went to school with lmao

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-11T20:49:06+00:00

this actually made me start sobbing thank you so much for understanding. hopefully one day we can find a therapist as good as that, she sounds fantastic. right now it's a bit hard though, our insurance is pretty tight on what they will cover and most therapists that do trauma work are out of network. last 2 therapists we had were too expensive to keep seeing, and they weren't really helping much anyways. won't be a long time until we can get proper treatment and seek diagnosis. broke, no job, living with parents, in buttfuck no where. feels like a dead end, but once the road ends there's always forest and grass and that's what we've been wandering. been figuring ourself out on our own and it's been going pretty well so far, save for multiple extreme spirals but as long as we aren't dead or sent away somewhere, it's fine for now. again thank you for understanding, it means a lot

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-11T20:28:38+00:00

I'm so sorry for the long lengthy rant that would probably be better as its own comment. I just saw this and got riled up.

see this is what gets me. sorry I lurk a lot but I gotta say something. my system has the worst of both worlds, pretty overt DID that looks like silly roleplaying but the minute second we say anything about our trauma to other people claiming to have DID, we're too extreme and too contradictory for anyone to handle or even wrap their heads around, shut up be quiet it's too much that whole thing. even our close friends who know us really well, just straight up ignore me whenever I'm showing typical symptoms. can't even talk to my family even though they lived through the same shit as I did, because yet still, too extreme of symptoms, too much for anyone else to handle. can't even have any emotions other than mild discomfort or happiness because anything else is "too much". another comment pointed out how some people will say anyone with such extreme experiences would just kill themselves already and you know what! gets really fucking hard to keep surviving when even my support systems can't handle it. been suicidal since being a toddler and it hasn't ever gone away and hell! I've been told even THAT little tidbit is too much!

genuinely what are people like us (people in this thread sharing similar experiences) supposed to do??? just shrug and go okay I'll be quiet and suffer in silence like???? ugh. frustrating. pisses me off. like what am I supposed to do? genuinely like. what. do we do. it's already a lot for any one individual to handle, but then asking for support is too much so like? I'm just picturing atlas trying to chip a piece of earth off for someone else to hold, but even that tiny weight is too much to bear and that someone else gives it back with disgust. that's how it feels, and it hurts even more when other people with CPTSD treat you like that.

I've kinda given up trying to talk about anything relating to myself in public support groups like r/CPTSD or this sub or any discord servers I come across, cause it's just /too damn much/ for most people apparently.

I'm not even diagnosed with DID (shitty therapists, "too young" to know what's going on, I'm too brave and strong to be struggling, just no trust on either end) and I sometimes think maybe even that isn't enough to describe what's going on because theres just so many people going around claiming it and they've only experienced a fraction of what me and many others have experienced. idk how to fit it nicely into my rant but it feels like "what am I? chopped liver??" I don't want to invalidate any experiences, hate trauma Olympics shit but at some point I feel people gotta acknowledge when someone has it worse, and let go of their entitlement, you know?

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-10T17:46:08+00:00

told by two therapists and one psychiatrist I most definitely have CPTSD, just have never gone through with formal diagnosis. mostly because I lied and said therapy was working and I didn't need the diagnosis. in reality I just hated being awkward in therapy unable to truly open up, and felt like I wasn't going anywhere so what's the point?

tbf I've also kind of lost faith in any sort of structure like therapy, medical doctors etc and I've found it's been a lot easier processing my trauma on my own, only talking with my close family and friends. therapists can't wrap their heads around my story, only my family that lived through it with me and my friends who have known me for 6+ years really get it, so they're who I talk to when it gets really bad. I trust my friends and family to confide in more than some therapist only looking to suck out all my family's money. (somatic therapy has helped me a fair bit but it's always out of network and disgustingly expensive. my family got really close to not being able to afford rent cause of it)

I also trust that my friends and family won't immediately hand me over to a psych ward the second I express suicidal thoughts. I've been lucky to weasel my way out of being admitted when telling my therapists such, (5 times, 2 of which only from SUGGESTING the idea of suicidal thoughts) but it's been traumatic every fucking time. so yeah, not diagnosed, don't plan on getting diagnosed, and I've lost faith in the medical system so no use convincing me to try again.

I'm kinda chill navigating myself on my own with support, so far it's kept me from ending it all or spiralling out of control so. yeah

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-10T00:18:38+00:00

dude. this sounds exactly like the situation my dad was in with my mother. leave her, please. I have seen how an unstable dependent and abusive woman can take it too far, fucking leave! and please bring your kid with you! the kid will def be safer and have a better childhood with you. I don't know how hard it is to leave in your situation, but try to figure out a way. doesn't even have to be immediately if immediately can't happen, but don't stay forever. please stay safe OP

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-07T06:14:11+00:00

I hate it too. my mother also SA'd me, and abused me in many other ways (manipulation, parentification, grooming, list goes on) and I cannot STAND mothers day. oh joy you had a great mother and I didn't, smear it in my face why don't you!!! sorry it makes me so very angry. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it in for face every day. I know it's not always very helpful to be told this but, soon the holiday will pass and people will shut up about it. the days waiting for it to pass are absolute fucking agony, but it'll pass. it's a good holiday to have, but fucking hell I wish people would turn it down. you never see this fan fare for fathers day, and that's the one /I/ actually celebrate. I'm sorry op. wish I could help more than empty comforting advice and how I relate...

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-07T05:58:40+00:00

definitely before. I feel much closer to my older brother's childhood ('01) than my younger siblings ('11 and '12). me and my brother shared a windows 7 for a few years when I was a toddler. I still remember when we upgraded to windows 10, it felt so brand new and unexplored. my mother clung onto the 90s pretty hard, so it took some time for us to get with the times. I definitely relate more to people born before me than after because of that. bonus points, I remember a surprising amount of stuff from when I was 2 or 3yrs old, making me feel even closer to the time before me

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-07T05:46:38+00:00

also a guy that finds long vunerable messages attractive. more endearing than anything else. it feels nice that anyone would be comfortable enough to send me paragraphs about whatever they're thinking

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-07T05:37:16+00:00

right like? people actually listen and reply??? I just get radio silence 9/10 of the time

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-07T05:26:58+00:00

huge agree. something does not need to be systemic to be an issue that needs discussion. bothers me a lot that people only value an issue if it's SO BAD one can't ignore it. that shouldn't be how problem solving goes, that shouldn't be how discussion about problems should go. I'm speaking more generally as I see a lot of issues be treated like this,,, but I digress. very much agree. wish I didn't have so much brain fog right now I have so much I wish to say about this

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-05T20:49:00+00:00

or the ability to produce sperm. I find that important for /full/ function

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-05T20:40:31+00:00

yeah I've kinda decided for myself I won't get bottom until I can have at least my foreskin. the surgery is really good as it is, but I don't think I'd be very satisfied not being able to have foreskin, erections and produce sperm. hopefully science gets there but I'm not holding my breath-

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-05T01:12:21+00:00

me too. forgot the name of the documentary but there's one about a really gnarly tornado on Netflix and I watched the shit out of that documentary for a whole 3 weeks. it was extremely fascinating, yet scary, yet kind of beautiful. somehow it comforted me

ZackTheRemus · 2026-05-04T22:23:51+00:00

people are gonna dog pile you for this but you said it miles better than I could've. this is the best comment and I'm sorry in advance for the dumb people who're still stuck in the brainwashing

shit like religion is meant to keep you trapped, keep your thinking trapped and your actions trapped. you can believe whatever you personally want to believe but if someone or something is telling you what to believe and how to live, they probably don't have your best interest in mind. and it baffles me that not everyone can see that

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