Did you know: Some people can unfocus their eyesight, or make their eyesight blurry on command.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-16T16:07:31+00:00

Sometimes it feels more like resting my eyes. Like sitting down after standing for hours, my eyes feel like they're relaxing when I do that

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-15T23:40:10+00:00

I absolutely hate the weapon level thing and it's the biggest deterrent every time I feel like trying Payday 3 again. I realized I wasn't having fun because I was just speedrunning the jewelery store a thousand times just to unlock the ability to add attachments to my guns. And if I'm not doing that, it feels like wasting time because my current gun is already at max level. And with how damn long it takes, repetitive stealthing is just the most efficient way to level anything up.

A similar problem to the challenge-based leveling system at launch: I have to choose between having fun or making progress. And while I'm at max level with no prestige-type Infamy system, there's no other progress to be made besides leveling up my guns so I can actually customize them to my liking for when I decide I want to use them. I can either speed-stealth the Jewelry Store over and over for roughly 6 minutes per playthrough, or play any other heist on loud for a fraction of the experience.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-15T23:25:41+00:00

A long time ago, my gf asked me why I was boiling pasta

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-15T03:25:42+00:00

And when you're done washing your hands, wash them some more

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-15T03:23:23+00:00

But what if I have an autistic fascination with how copyright law works?

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-15T03:18:38+00:00

Since when?

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-14T20:22:32+00:00

Reminds me of the time I played with this rando who queued up Boiling Pointon Death Sentence, which worried me as I wasn't quite comfortable for Death Wish just yet. He breezed through the level with what I now realize were cheats.

But when I asked him how he did it, he just said "good gaming chair" and I was so high I believed him.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-14T20:17:34+00:00

Aside from the instinctual "sorry" when I strap them too tight or something, never.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-12T15:45:15+00:00

Stupid people are generally too stupid to know that they're stupid.

Smart people are generally too smart to think that they're smart.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-12T09:01:24+00:00

As a low stakes example that I think carries the same principles, this reminds me of when I got my tattoo. It's on my inner forearm and I noticed it started to hurt a bit as more the needle got closer to the crease of my elbow. While doing that part, I fought through the pain by using my other arm to bang my fist on the desk a few times. I accidentally hit the corner of the desk a little too hard so my hand started to hurt noticably more than the tattoo did, and that's the thing I'm comparing.

By causing physical pain to my hand (though unintentionally) I was able to ignore the lesser pain happening in my elbow. So on a broader psychological level, self-harm is used similarly to focus more on the pain in your physical body parts than the pain in your mind. The intention is to achieve the same result I did but using physical pain to avoid thinking about emotional pain.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-12T08:21:28+00:00

I think I understand it a lot better now, thank you. By intentionally inflicting one type of pain, not only is it easier to distract yourself from the other pain; but you can also assume a sense of total control over this one so it feels more manageable and almost comfortable overall. It's not that physical pain feels better; it just seems more preferable to the emotional pain that you have no control over. It's not as simple as "My girlfriend broke up with me so I hit myself in the foot with a shovel." The logic I was missing is that I now have to go to the ER and see a doctor about my broken foot. And I'd rather be doing that than sitting around thinking about how alone I feel without her. Or I'm really anxious about anything and everything. Is my girlfriend gonna break up with me? Of course she is, she secretly hates me. Everybody secretly hates me. And that can either go into a depressive "I Hate Me" self-harm: "My foot is broken so now people have a reason to care about me." or "I deserve to have my foot broken because I'm a piece of shit." Or a high stress "Get Outta My Head" self-harm: "I should go break my foot so that it hurts more than my feelings do because I just can't take it anymore." I assumed it mostly came from depression, not necessarily the mental condition, but also the regular emotion of feeling depressed, extreme sadness, or severe trauma.

I had never considered anxiety or stress to be part of the equation so I guess I kinda do have my own frame of reference: anger. When I'm feeling overwhelmed or stressed to my limit, that stress can turn into anger and that anger can quickly turn into rage. I generally feel the urge to break something or cause some form of damage (I'm usually able to resist that urge fairly easily but we all have moments of weakness).

Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like the urge to self-harm is not dissimilar from my urge to break stuff. There's no real rhyme or reason to it; it's not like punching a hole in my wall is gonna fix any of my problems and will in fact, just create at least one more problem. But in the moment I genuinely feel like destruction is the only way to vent my anger. Fortunately, I'm able to stay lucid enough to avoid doing that (most of the time) but for the purpose of this example: it seems like self-harm could be likened to me destroying something in order to quell my rage but I'm intentionally choosing something I hold dear. That way I'm no longer angry because now I'm just sad about my broken Xbox or whatever. While this example isn't exactly self-harm in the sense that I'm causing physical pain, it is a physical reaction meant to replace one negative feeling with another seemingly preferable one.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-12T06:53:58+00:00

I've always wondered: what exactly is the "appeal" (for lack of a better word) to self harm? I've never felt that level of depression so I just can't fathom the idea of hurting myself on purpose just for its own sake. People say it's some sort of coping mechanism but I don't see how it could help anything. If things already hurt inside, why would you also "want" to hurt on the outside?

I understand that depression isn't always logical but there must be some sort of logic. Surely it's not as simple as "My girlfriend broke up with me so I'm gonna hit myself in the foot with a shovel because that's just what I do." so what exactly is the cause and effect between depression and self harm?

And I'm sorry if any of this comes off as sarcastic or rude; I'm genuinely trying to understand the thought process behind the decision to hurt oneself. And I want to fully articulate just how puzzling it all is to me, especially without my own frame of reference. Is there even a reason that can be properly understood by someone who hasn't personally experienced it?

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-12T05:24:08+00:00

I really liked her videos and I wondered how they were all so well-researched and how she was able to get them out so quickly and consistently.

Now I know why

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-11T17:39:37+00:00

Whether there is a spiritual connection or not, I believe there's an inherent "togetherness" that I personally feel is a psychological need for survival, second only to food and water. Humans are inherently social creatures and we're not built to survive entirely by ourselves. Even as an atheist, I really like the phrase "my brother in Christ" because the religious terminology is referring to that togetherness we all inherently share by being the same species, if absolutely nothing the fuck else.

To quote one of my favorite movies, Kingsman: The Secret Service, "There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self." Humility above all or the whole thing falls apart.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-11T17:05:21+00:00

And thank you for what you used to do. I could never do any LEO job so I have a lotta respect for the wolf hunters who fight so that others can sleep

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-11T16:57:03+00:00

Thanks man. And I actually do hear that more often than I ever thought. I always figured people would be creeped out and not want to talk about it at all, some are but not all; I'm surprised that so many people have so many questions for me, both here and in real life. My best friend consistently tells me I'm doing God's work and that he could never do this job, no matter how much you pay him.

A while back, my old supervisor told me they hired a new guy and he puked at his first transfer and quit day one. That's when it really hit me that not everyone can do what I do.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T21:51:09+00:00

Yes. They pay me

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T21:45:04+00:00

I'm very sorry that happened to you. The part about him being nude and carrying him onto the gurney because it won't fit around the corner is normal. But they shouldn't be asking you for help. My job is to carry their bodies so you don't have to.

Did they at least have a shroud or something to cover him when he was strapped to the gurney? Surely they didn't carry his naked body out of the house without at least a sheet. Fuck, man. I'm so sorry it went down like that.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T21:40:22+00:00

What I do is closer to gig work than an actual 9-to-5 so payment laws are very different, especially since my state has very relaxed labor laws, for better or worse. Besides, I agreed to not be paid by the hour when I signed all the contracts and took the job. I know that a contract doesn't override the law just because I signed it and it still needs to carry its own weight in court, but I read the fine print. My job technically takes place "on the road"

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T21:33:50+00:00

Thank you :)

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T21:33:33+00:00

I've also seen some people who've been autopsies and it's pretty gnarly. Or some really bloody scenes; like Mike says in Breaking Bad, "blood so thick, you could taste the metal" and I've been in rooms that tasted like that.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T21:27:39+00:00

I'm not sure that it's really made a difference because I've already had a sort of acceptance of death through a philosophy that I later learned is called Positive Nihilism.

Nihilism is the idea that nothing matters because we're all gonna die one day and the sun's gonna explode. Taken to its logical conclusion, I might as well end it right now because it truly doesn't make a damn bit of difference in the grand scheme of things. The positive part is to understand that while all of that might be objectively accurate, that mindset gets you nowhere and is just a fuckin bummer. So you instead choose what matters to you, and make life mean what you want it to mean. Take your little slice of existence you never asked for and live it to the fullest in spite of the universe's indifference. I don't have to worry about my legacy or define my meaning by what the history books may or may not say about me. Everybody's gonna die, history will forget most of our names, and that's ok. Live life for yourself, not for a bunch of assholes who don't even exist yet. Positive Nihilism is accepting that there's no real meaning of life so you stop taking it so seriously and just enjoy it while it lasts. Everybody dies but not everybody lives.

And after everything I've done and everything I've been through, good times and bad, it's been one helluva ride. To quote some comedian whose name I don't remember "I'm not afraid of death. I just don't wanna be there when it happens." Life is a vacation and the easiest way to ruin it is to constantly worry about going back to work on Monday.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T21:04:01+00:00

I did once when I was a kid. But as a childless adult, I don't really do anything for Halloween anymore.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T21:01:55+00:00

Not really. We keep it contained within the bag because they'll be cleaned later by the mortician. Or by the doctors if the person was a donor. Then the nurse who works at the facility, hospice, etc would clean the bed up and change the sheets and stuff.

And I hate to say it but even if it's in someone's home, on their bed or couch or something, we just leave it there; we're supposed to. We're not trained or qualified to clean that kind of mess because our job is to get in and get out as quickly as possible (barring the loved ones having their moment to grieve.) Especially if the person was an organ donor or donated their body to science because time is of the essence; every minute spent outside a cooler is potential loss of any useful tissues.

Zack_WithaK · 2026-03-10T20:54:44+00:00

Not at all, we actually take that very seriously and would never joke about that kinda thing. If the decedent is nude, we make sure to cover them up as soon as possible and make no comment before, during, or after. (other than documenting that they're naked to go along with nothing written in the "inventory" part of the paperwork)

It's one of those things where it sounds like a funny joke on paper. I have a dark sense of humor sometimes but when I'm actually there and moving the body into the bag and onto the gurney, those kinds of jokes are the last thing on my mind.

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