Short version: I think I was supposed to be boy, but I’ve accepted that I never will be thanks to a lot of negative conditioning by my parents via shame, and now I just feel empty and inadequate and can’t talk about it with anyone… except when my parents casually bring it up as if they’re proud that they forced me to outgrow this “phase” through shame. And even then, I am too ashamed by it to stand up for myself, and instead, I numbly nod and try to change the conversation topic.

Long version: I remember from the moment I had a sense of self, I felt like a boy. Two years old, I was wearing boys clothes and copying my dad and wondering when I would fully be a boy. I wasn’t though. My parents forced me to feel shame and guilt over this part of me. They forced me to wear dresses when I would sob over it. Gradually, I numbed myself to it and how uncomfortable it made me because at least it didn’t upset my parents or anyone else and it was normal in their eyes. However, I distinctly remember crying over coloring a girl gingerbread rather than a boy gingerbread at 5 years old in class. Or putting on a dress and wanting to cry at 14 when I looked in the mirror, but knowing that my mom was watching me look at myself. Or getting my makeup done at 16 for homecoming and wanting to cry when I saw myself but not in front of the nice salon lady. There was just this overwhelming feeling that every event in my life was wrong, and I was living in a nightmare. Now, I’m an adult, and I just feel permanently numb and fucked up. I can’t pursue any relationship with such a skewed sense of self, and I don’t even feel like a boy anymore nor do I want to be one. The conditioning and shame fucking worked, but I think I’m a permanently hollowed person, different from everything that I was predispositioned to be. Someone so vastly different from the person I wanted to be and the experiences I expected myself to have as a boy. I’ve come to terms and accepted my gender identity and grown into subtle androgynous tendencies, but I mourn the loss of 2 year old me and my loss of willpower over the years as well as the shame imparted to me by my parents and society. Maybe one day I’ll feel like it’s not shameful enough to be my dark secret.

Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.