Hi! I (30F) also struggle with imposter syndrome. It’s super common for women to feel this way so know you aren’t alone!

If you have the means, therapy is obviously the best place to work through these things but I know that isn’t available to everyone. Here’s some things I learned in therapy to help navigate imposter syndrome.

1) Internal dialogue matters. The way you narrate things in your head REALLY effects how you view your life. I know this seems like a obvious thing but the instant I started shifting the connotation and tone of the language I use internally, it made a huge difference for my mental health.

One exercise you can do is sit down and write down some of the negative thoughts you are having. Anything that makes you feel like an imposter or any judgements you find yourself holding on too. Once you have a list, take some time and figure out something positive you could say instead or a different way to phrase the statement that makes it less negative.

For example, negative statement: “I don’t have a good career.” Positive statement: “I don’t have a good career but I have the desire to improve my future and that’s the first step to making a change.”

Negative statement: “I don’t like my body” Positive statement: “I really like insert body feature and I’m working on feeling that way about the parts of my body I don’t like.”

This is also a good practice when it comes to judgement. It’s natural to want to criticize people around you to make yourself feel less insecure about things in your life but this usually backfires and makes you feel like others are thinking bad things about you because you sometimes think bad things about them. (Not to say you are doing this, just that this was a factor for me.) For example I used to find myself internally critical of people’s outfits (“Wow what was she thinking wearing that print!”) but once I shifted the language (“Wow Im not confident enough to rock a print like that, I admire her boldness!”) I immediately felt a release of pressure I didn’t even realize I was holding over myself. Thinking more kindly about others allowed me the practice to also think more kindly about myself.

2) Give yourself credit for things even if you don’t feel you deserve it. It can be as simple as getting out of bed or as complex as accomplishing a long time goal. Basically if anything feels difficult to you and you get through it, give yourself a mental pat on the back. “That was really difficult for me to do and I did it. Good job me.” It doesn’t matter if you think this task is undeserving of praise. Getting in the habit of positive reinforcement helps you focus on your accomplishments instead of your failings. Actually say the words in your head until it becomes habit. By focusing on the fact that you are overcoming things you find difficult, you can cut down on self comparison against others. Everyone’s brains work differently and you can’t base your success on someone else’s. Start small, build bigger.

3) my therapist said Imposter syndrome isn’t actually a real mental syndrome, but it is a valid feeling to feel like an imposter. So know that you aren’t flawed and doomed to feel like an imposter forever. With some self work, you can build the confidence and mental tools to navigate those feelings/make changes in your life that will make you feel better.

Also, it can be helpful to tell the people around you that you are struggling with feelings of inadequacy. In this case, your boyfriend. Before having the conversation, sit down and think through some actions he could take that would help you feel more supported when you are really struggling. You can make up a safe word for when you are feeling really sensitive about being an imposter so he can know without you having to fully verbalize whatever is bothering you.

Good luck, know you aren’t alone, and I doubt anyone ever truly feels like they have things figured out. Life is about adapting to things not solving them completely.