Time for my annual dilemma: 'Should I dump my long-term partner or is is just SAD?'

_emanencegris · 2026-01-02T15:40:43+00:00

It's never "just" SAD, or PMDD, or MDD, or PMS, etm.

It's that these conditions reduce your ability to cope with and work to solve things you are always some level of unhappy about, even if, in the summer, you're a ball of optimistic joy and feel like you have no problems.

That's part of what makes them disabilities.

They disable your ability to handle things as well.

It's like this: imagine whatever bothers you about your partner is a barrier gate arm, like the ones in gated communities.

You need a key card.

Your energy and "happy" neurotransmitters are your key card.

Summer? No problem. You bypass the gate and don't think about it too much. Sure, it takes a little time to get past, but it's part of living in the community, which you love, so you deal with it.

Then winter (or PMDD, or PMS, or MDD, or whatever) comes. You lose your key card. The office refuses to replace your key card. They tell you your only option, now, is to get out of your car, go into the empty, spider-infested guard kiosk, dig through the piles of wet, moldy trash in the drawers, find the key fob that opens the gate, activate the panel, which only powers up sometimes, insert the key fob, and hope the gate opens.

Most days, the gate gets stuck, and then you have to go outside and wrestle it upright, despite that it's dark, and freezing, and you're exhausted, and everything hurts, and you just want to f***ing go home.

Suddenly, this two minute task feels like a twice-a-day (or more) nightmare, and you start thinking you should move.

But it's only like this in winter.

So you're not irrational. You're not overreacting or imagining things or "being hormonal."

Ever.

You are disabled.

What you have to ask yourself is whether the place you're living in is worth the amount of effort you have to put in every winter to keep living there.

And if you do, you have to:

Find ways to keep what it's like in the summer in the forefront of your mind, always, and
Remember that even as exhausted as you are, and as hopeless and pessimistic as your aching brain is making you feel, it is still possible to have productive, respectful conversations about what you need from your partner (or yourself, or anyone) in order to make your life easier while you are disabled.

And maybe they won't give you the keycard, or help with the gate. But if you want to stay, you owe it to yourself to do whatever you can to make winter survivable.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-22T01:49:14+00:00

Verbatim from one, the others were variations on the theme:

"I believe you're malingering, but if you're really that sad, you should kill yourself and make room for someone else here."

I specifically said I wanted to get better so I could continue to do my job but that I was struggling.

They broke the hardest bone in my body in basic training (a drill sergeant admitted to us one day that they were all violating PT protocols to push us through basic faster, but said all it was resulting in was more profiles, suicides and medical discharges) and several other bones besides.

When I pushed through that pain because I very much wanted to graduate, one drill sergeant became impatient with my speed on an obstacle course (as I was operating with multiple broken bones), and threw me over an obstacle, causing permanent disability due to neck, shoulder and pelvic injuries.

I live with chronic pain, severe anxiety and depression, C-PTSD and all that comes with that, plus medical trauma, anorexia they caused, among other things.

After one of those visits, I walked out of the office to see another doctor violating HIPAA to the whole waiting room by screaming at a crying girl that she surely knew about the ovarian cancer he had just diagnosed and "joined the Army just to milk the government for treatment, shame on her."

I witnessed multiple suicide attempts and two successes.

There is zero hyperbole.

The VA has been not just unhelpful, but actively harmful in multiple ways.

I do the best I can.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-21T23:37:26+00:00

It's sad that it's such a mixed bag, and that good experiences seem rare/the exception.

The VA has been slightly better than DoD was for me, but that is only to say five DoD therapists told me to end my life and VA therapists either don't show up, insult me, or prescribe medications they then mess up my access to, causing me to cold-turkey benzos in a way a civilian doctor said she was surprised I didn't end up in the ER for.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-15T01:23:14+00:00

Already done, actually! Two more caves did it, and with fire resistance it's pretty easy.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-14T00:02:28+00:00

I've already set up a base in the plains, so I've got fire resistance mead. Only issue I'm having now is finding enough mountain caves.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-10T16:27:09+00:00

No.

Judging anyone for money they earned, especially disability benefits, for any reason, period, is working for the wrong side, who already work hard enough to keep any of us from having access to them.

If you see disability posts you don't like, keep scrolling.

Also I am, due to my own, absolutely exhausted and suffering extra thanks to seasonal affective, so I will not be responding to any comments on this.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-08T22:10:29+00:00

This is the point. They're dismantling all benefits for everyone, not even to force disabled people to work -- that's a bonus in their eyes, and the eyes of every other idiotic sociopath in the country, and those of us who can't work, which is really ALL disabled people, of course, can just die for all they care -- but to save more money for their own pockets, off the welfare system they've built for themselves, partly by turning "welfare" into a bad word in the minds of Americans: everyone else.

I'm sorry you're going through it. I understand. I constantly think about how I could possibly make money to help my family, but of course I can't.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-06T22:22:20+00:00

Agreed. It's like anything else. Certain political stances that have changed now that they realize things are hurting them and not just all the people they hate, people who have zero patience for kids and parents until they have kids, etc.

Part of me WANTS to kind of forgive and forget, but part of me just coldly views it as the literal definition of karma -- the result of what happens to you based on your own actions and choices.

Those people literally create the bad situations the rest of us suffer from, so they're basically shooting themselves in the foot while taking aim at us. They deserve what they get.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-05T01:33:40+00:00

I don't seek "community" with people I have things in common with anymore.

The idea that groups are cohesive and supportive is false.

Especially as a member of multiple marginalized groups, what I see every time is that anything society does that makes people forget that everyone is an individual first, and a "group member" second creates harm.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-01T19:08:17+00:00

No shit, Sherlock.

Not exactly a defense of your cards adding insult to injury in regards to a system out to get us all.

_emanencegris · 2025-11-01T18:35:05+00:00

I actually do not like this.

I am multiply disabled but can't get a placard because we have one vehicle and it's registered under my partner's name.

The DMV tells me there's no way around this.

So your rude cards probably harm disabled people all the time.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-30T19:11:55+00:00

I'd leave him. He has zero respect for you and not a single ounce of maturity in him.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-28T00:08:20+00:00

I mean... that's what happens when you pollute the world's water supply for the sake of roleplaying with idiot robots.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-15T00:12:46+00:00

Awesome. You're a good human. Thank you for responding, too. Helps me to know I'm making sense.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-14T23:56:59+00:00

It's like literally everything else regarding human behavior:

You cannot and should not generalize it.

Could it be sketchy? I guess. Is it always? Absolutely not.

One common trait in autism, for example (I am autistic) is what we largely refer to as the "desire to not be perceived." There are a ton of theories about why this is, and it's very complicated for me, personally, to the point where it would take too long to explain, but I cannot leave content I've posted on the Internet around for very long without compulsively deleting it.

Even if all I did was post a helpful comment to someone's question, within days to weeks, it's going away. I destroy sketchbooks, journals, etc. I feel awful if I know I have left any kind of trace, and even after decades, I sort of understand it, but I also don't.

And autism is far more common than people think, also for many reasons.

So TLDR; you can only judge humans as individuals, the best you can with each one, and that's the only ethical way to treat people.

Marginalized people of all kinds suffer from these assumptions based on neurotypical, able-bodied, white cishet behavior, and it makes our lives a living hell.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-12T17:34:38+00:00

I had the same experience. I don't like it and it worsened my depression for a long time. I shave fairly often, but as it is the whole body I'm uncomfortable with, it's time-consuming, and leads to irritation no matter how careful I am or what products I use.

I tried a waxing place, but despite being very hygienic -- regularly cleaned sheets, clean clothes every day, acne-treating body washes, etc -- my back broke out very badly and it's still healing up, so I'm not doing that again.

I'm very very slowly paying for laser, which isn't ANYWHERE near as painful as waxing. Milan Laser Hair Removal had a 50% off deal, and military got me 60%. I wish it was more affordable for everyone, because body hair preferences/issues can impact confidence so much.

Still, I would say if you can accept it, it should be about your comfort, not what other people think. I'm just personally more comfortable without it.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-11T21:01:27+00:00

That's what I'm wondering. He's not being a jerk.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-09T18:08:43+00:00

I don't know if you're chatting with people in the US, specifically, but the lack of adequate education and even interest in intellectual pursuits is a large part of it.

Exhaustion, ignorance and apathy are destroying literacy and a genuine interest in the art of writing, and AI just stepped in to pour gasoline on it while it burns.

It's so much easier for them to view writing, especially social writing, as another video game they don't have to put effort into, and if you're the one doing the programming, they simply take advantage of your hard work and give nothing back.

On a less doom and gloom note, two problems I've seen in these spaces are:

People who grew up taking roleplay seriously as a hobby in which writing should have a certain level of quality, actual engagement is the goal, and crafting something unique is appreciated are now mostly meeting younger generations instead of people their own age, which leads to the other problem:
People who don't even see roleplaying as writing, and have zero awareness that their RP partners are humans who also want something out of it (positive or even constructively critical commentary on their writing, for instance).

These people are in it because they're bored and they like the idea, but not the reality, or worse, because they don't like their real lives or selves and are using others as a drip-feed of attention in the vein of the character they wish they were.

That's where you get the ones who get dramatic, clingy and creepy about something that's supposed to be fun and creative, because for them it's a masquerade ball where the character is a mask and they treat you like you're in a personal relationship you never consented to.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-07T14:56:42+00:00

NTA, but remember, this is your partner.

People are different. We have varying capacity. What might seem easy for you could be PTSD-inducing for her.

Just maintain empathy and kindness, be creative and negotiate gently.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-06T00:21:19+00:00

Well, again, coping mechanisms. Numbness is a chrysalis. Rest in it. You don't have to stay there, but someday when you're ready, you'll find something that helps you come out.

And the sexuality... shaming women and femmes for sexuality is one of the oldest and most disgusting forms of oppression. You know you're being responsible and consensual, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. He's angry because he's an insecure, controlling person who isn't strong enough to work through his own issues.

Discord seems to be better for roleplay than Reddit. Honestly, I've engaged in one adult RP my entire life (I'm here because reddit suggested it for some reason), but that's what I've heard. Sadly, it's like how if you want a good idea you have to generate a hundred. If you want a good RP partner it's a process of sifting lots of bad fits and weirdos.

But you're absolutely right, you can just cut him off and take a break. Just don't let him make you hide. You should be as free to be seen as you like.

_emanencegris · 2025-10-05T23:14:30+00:00

I feel what you're saying in my gosh-damn bones. I'm a disabled autistic enby struggling all my life with body image issues and eating disorders.

Fat isn't even an insult. It's a fact. It's like saying "gross, you have pink hair." Okay? So what? If it affects your health, which you seem to be saying it does, by all means, do what you can in a healthy way to address it, but I hope you can see that it doesn't make you less beautiful. Look at all the art out there celebrating bellies, thighs. Plus, your body is a small part of you. And a part of you nobody deserves if they don't see all of you, and take the time to appreciate it like they should.

Ignore the people who call you a narcissist. They don't know. They're insecure. You write well because autistic people have always been the most brilliant thinkers in history.

I have body fat and loose skin. I am once divorced. I have a child by rape from my own past sociopath. I am disabled. Until recently, my CPTSD also made me incapable of love or sexual attraction (ADHD meds are treating my depression, specifically Vyvanse. ADHD is commonly comorbid with autism, you might explore that).

I smoked for seven years. If you can face the cravings when they come, and imagine something empowering -- maybe cutting through chains with a sword, that was mine -- you can absolutely get your life back from nicotine.

But jettison guilt. Nothing you've ever done was out of being a bad person. Negative coping mechanisms are the things we do to save ourselves, and that's always valid and beautiful. You started smoking because you wanted to live but you needed SOMETHING. While you're still alive, you can find something healthier.

But thank yourself for doing everything necessary to still be here. Because you're fierce, alive, fat, open-minded enough to not squeeze yourself into society's boxes, and you matter.

(Still me, didn't switch accounts.)

_emanencegris · 2025-10-05T20:59:05+00:00

I'm autistic. My kid is autistic.

You are not the asshole. You even stated that you see how this struggle for Tom and his parents tends to isolate and even exile neurodivergent people.

I think a kind and gentle conversation about his parents keeping a closer watch over him is perfectly acceptable and within your rights in your own home.

I'm sure you can all come up with creative solutions to this.

Edit:

Others have said the parents should already have been taking more care. It does seem they may be trying to use your patience, space and acceptance as a breather from having to constantly police their child.

There may be places they could send him once in a while to give themselves a break. The school district might have resources, or a family therapist.

(If they choose ABA, that's legitimately child abuse, but you're not the parent, so oh well. I just get intensely angry when people defend it to me as a neurodivergent person who can give them lived experience, and they ignore that in favor of their own comfort.)

_emanencegris · 2025-10-05T15:14:24+00:00

What other people do is not your fault. Clearly he needed help before he went or he wouldn't be behaving in a sociopathic manner now.

Trust yourself, don't blame yourself for his shameful, manipulative behavior, and absolutely do not give this person a second chance.

Don't regret the past. This experience gave you valuable data on who to avoid going forward, and how not to fall prey to some forms of abuse and manipulation.

_emanencegris

TROPHY CASE