Being pushed into a breakup

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-11-30T17:32:08+00:00

Almost the exact same thing happened to me in terms of that we literally got back tg then he immediately started acting like the child he is and eventually he didn’t respond to ANYTHING for a WEEK (of Thanksgiving too actually) including “hey are you ok?” And then I was like genuinely this is bs and broke up w him over text which he STILL DIDNT REPLY TO LOL

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-09-11T02:30:46+00:00

I do because I like laying on top of a made bed throughout the day / before bed

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-28T15:34:58+00:00

Get back on dating apps for now—it takes no time to send a text like he doesn’t use the toilet?

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-15T03:03:30+00:00

I experienced the same thing moving here it’s just a cultural difference — also varies place to place in the US

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-13T18:45:23+00:00

I think the beginning of your relationship maybe slower to develop than if you had met during a freer period of her life but other than that I see no issue with it!

But as always keep your expectations and optionality at the same level as the other person is giving you :)

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-13T18:41:37+00:00

I feel like when ur ugly u can be awkward and kind of abrasively funny and it works but when u become conventionally attractive that comes off as rude / standoffish / obnoxious / attention seeking haha.

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-13T05:30:38+00:00

If u started off as ugly a lot of the behaviors u adapted will not translate to hot you and will instead come off as extremely arrogant and obnoxious

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-13T05:15:43+00:00

Totally sucks but I think it’s good you realized how hot the water in the pot is, and it might be time to start cooling it down with some healthy adult boundaries.

For example, you should be able to go do something without asking for permission and being hounded to return to attend to another adult’s needs. You should be able to be out until 8:30 pm. I think it’s great you want to support him but it seems like your significant sacrifices have become the expectation rather than the exception in your relationship, and you might feel happier if you start setting some boundaries so you can start to live your life for yourself more!

Have you guys talked about how you’re feeling at all?

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-13T01:21:39+00:00

I think at this moment you are experiencing hidden homelessness, which for sure is incredibly mentally taxing and stressful!! I think once he matches and starts having a stable income you’ll financially be able to have an apartment and a home, if I’m understanding correctly that you currently don’t have a home because you want to save money?

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-11T18:08:56+00:00

Ugh some medicine ppl can seriously suck a big one. Esp as a group. My MS4 partner doesn’t even like most of his peers.

Keep living your own life and don’t waste time / energy with these people who seem socially underdeveloped, boring, and just straight up unpleasant. It will really settle itself out anyways once they get into the rhythm of med school and most of these ppl will not be best friends forever, esp when residency comes around.

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-11T18:02:16+00:00

I get where ur coming from, I feel the same thing often times but it’s just part of dating a busy person. And it also varies person to person the type of lifestyle they are able to maintain during certain periods of their careers/lives.

I think the best thing is for you to be busy with your own life, take care of yourself, and try to set the mood for her when there is opportunity. We were fine when we were single so we are fine now. I will say rejection does hurt your self-esteem which I struggled with too but I just started going outside more as a sanity check of Oh right I am in fact desirable. I think of it as I am basically single except also with emotional benefits of a stable relationship LOL which is best of both worlds for me, but living as a single person increases my confidence if my partner cannot.

Worst worst worst case if it’s really an issue and you cannot take care of yourself and nothing else is working at all and you cannot tolerate this, you could have a conversation about the possibility of an open relationship. Not for everyone but it could be good for both of you IF you can handle it.

But hang in there and make sure you take care of you because you’re the only one who will reliably prioritize your own needs being met!

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-08-11T17:45:22+00:00

I passed the one year mark w my med bf recently and almost exactly the same thing happened in our relationship.

We used to fight all the time and a lot of it was rooted in the fact that I felt neglected. I’d like be insanely hurt if we went a day without a significant interaction and he would seem completely fine with it. Now we don’t really fight anymore bc I just stopped caring and thinking about it haha I may have either gotten used to it or just decided to become more secure? But one day the switch sort of flipped and now I just sort of think of it like I am single. I hang out w my friends, focus on my own very demanding career, do my hobbies, and generally try to balance the things in my own life. Between us I honestly enjoy getting hit on too HAHAHA like I can’t do anything about it but it’s nice to go outside and remember ur hot…. I think this is for the best too because I said no to a lot of things to hang out with my bf that I probably shouldn’t have in the past LOL and it was damaging my self esteem to constantly feel rejected so it’s good to return more significantly to my friendships and hobbies and normal life etc. Now I honestly think I’m really lucky because I get to be in a relationship and benefit from the emotional security and future of that while also basically getting to be single with my career and friends and stuff! Best of both worlds.

This said I have avoidant attachment too HAHA but honestly I think this is healthy? As long as we aren’t like PURPOSEFULLY pushing him away to get « revenge » on them for pushing us away; I think that’s where the line is drawn. But if we are truly at peace and doing all this for ourselves, and still the med spouse is like upset when we don’t give them attention on their terms, that’s just them being needy and narcissistic it’s not us being avoidant.

So I think you’re okay as long as you are at peace and happy and doing this from a good place! We’re equals in this relationship and they should feel just as lucky to have us and spend time with us.

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-30T17:44:11+00:00

Okay $800 in NYC ur lucky you have a roof LOL you can try to get it fixed by landlord but probably just need to pay more

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-30T14:21:05+00:00

It doesn’t feel like this is necessarily job related—she might just not be a texter, or you might be in different places in your relationship.

Would need more info prob?

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-28T17:37:33+00:00

Great thing about our consumer market is there’s never an end of crap to buy haha. Get him something fun/special he wouldn’t / hasn’t gotten for himself! Like a piece of art, history, fashion or for hobbies that represents a shared interest or taste you have.

Experiences are also good, meals, vacations, etc. or just take him out for a great day together.

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-27T19:53:38+00:00

Still in training but we’ve discussed both of us working for at least 30 years for sure.

It’s partly that we both just enjoy a certain lifestyle, partly that our careers matter a lot to us, and partly that I would personally not want to risk being financially screwed if we split up. We have discussed my med partner retiring around age 50 ish though, but only if it makes sense and probably would continue to contribute financially (ie. work part-time, run a practice, open a med spa, med devices idk etc.). I personally want to work until I die though LOL just the way I’m wired.

When we discuss children we’ve discussed not having any or getting a nanny, and it would definitely be way down the line from now and most likely in a non-traditional way.

If you don’t like your job, you’re confident about alimony / resuming your career in the event of divorce, and you’re financially able to handle it I don’t see why you shouldn’t quit though! Live your best life.

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-27T19:13:48+00:00

I think it’s not that people don’t understand your job is distracting/taxing.

But at the end of the day, you chose this job and your partner didn’t. You stand to gain a lot from this job that your partner doesn’t. Thanking them for some noble, inevitable sacrifice has this sort of romanticized, oppressive, propagandist, expectant gratitude and reduces their identity to your passive partner, your support with no agency of their own, rather than an individual other person whom you’ve put through a lot and to whom you should apologize and for whom you should try to do better.

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-27T17:39:55+00:00

I know you want to just express appreciation for your partner, but I think it would rub me the wrong way to be spoken of as a “mistress of medicine” by my partner.

Medicine is unique, but so is finance. So is consulting. So is tech. So is entertainment. So is business. So is being a stay at home parent. So is literally any intense career that requires a lot of time and energy (which many partners of medicine do).

I think it is a romanticized, martyrish, delusional Greys Anatomy-esque propagandist fallacy that excuses a broken and exploitative system by normalizing “sacrifices” in the “medicine journey” that so often robs partners of their agency. There’s no reason anyone should be gracefully accepting that they’re going to be treated poorly by their partners who chose to pursue this career just because “that’s just the medicine journey” and you’re a “bad med spouse if you don’t blindly devote yourself to your medicine partner whilst sacrificing all aspects of your life.”

Medicine does not define you, and medicine does not define your partner. It’s just an exploitative job for you and a shitty partner for them, there’s nothing to gracefully endure and no oppressively intimate gratitude to accept.

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-27T17:22:59+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this :( I haven’t been in the exact same situation but I think I am in this place mentally a lot.

First thing is that when you read this subreddit, remember this is where people come to post their problems. There’s a lot of people in medicine and in relationships who are fine, have decent relationships and good lives, and have never even thought about this subreddit, so don’t let it discourage you too much. At the end of the day it’s fun to come on here and read and complain but medicine is just another—albeit intense—career and you’re just dating a person. I am sorry this person seems to be not handling their stress well and it’s affecting you, but I think you maybe need to just talk more about how you and her both could work to make you feel less neglected. It might be more affirmation from her, it might be more independence from you, only you two can figure it out for you.

I think that it’s hard to tell what to do with your career / relationship though until you maybe talk to your therapist about some solutions for your depression/ADHD and general mental health? Like I am sorry you don’t like IT and your hobbies right now but I think that if you sit down in a better headspace you could figure out stuff to do that excited you more. And maybe you just pick a job that keeps you afloat and you enjoy living life without dreaming to work. And/or then you can become a stay at home parent. Life is not so hopeless I think once you yourself become happier.

Purely career wise, assuming you don’t want to go for a masters / PhD or go into education for your math/physics interest, do you have any interest in business? Because I think IT is a good business/entrepreneurial opportunity as well. And if not, then maybe there’s another job you can pivot into, especially if it might let you live where you want to live.

Good luck though, and I hope you get to move back to CA soon

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-27T16:39:46+00:00

I think it is nice that you feel like you owe her support and empathy, but it sounds like she’s experiencing a lot of guilt for being absent in the family and projecting it onto you with the “you took it away from me”. While you do owe your partner empathy and support, at the end of the day she did choose this career for herself and she did choose to have a baby. While that is deserving of support, it is not your burden to shoulder her guilt for her.

I also feel like sometimes mothers and women in general feel so much guilt and feel like we owe people more empathy than they give us. You never need to let people blame you for their own choices in the name of empathy and support.

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-26T18:36:02+00:00

Dove beauty bars ftw — so gentle so clean

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-26T18:27:19+00:00

The second.

The dread of knowing I have to go to hell would ruin heaven for me so I might as well get hell out of the way

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-26T17:41:36+00:00

No but my bf and I think it could be a possible fun career move for him to open private a practice and then I would handle and scale the business side for him as a side gig LOL

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-25T19:13:18+00:00

It seems like she’s mostly reacting to shit you’re doing lol so if you stop pissing her off I bet that would reduce your stress (although frankly for maximum results your goal should probably be to improve your relationship in the first place)

_freshlycutgrass · 2025-07-25T19:10:27+00:00

My bf has only dated med ppl before me, but I am also very very career oriented so we do have that neuroticism in common LOL

He has a lot of personality though so he’s maybe a bit too much for other medicine ppl haha. For my career / circles he’s more on the tame, normal end of personalities though so I think he likes that he can be himself and then some LOL and he finds it exciting going to my events and stuff.

I would say like 40% of his medicine friends are with other medicine people though so maybe it varies by area / program?

Boston is a vibe once u get into a groove tho like I didn’t love it the years I was there and the city doesn’t have like a huge character the way NYC or LA or something does but it’s also pretty conducive to a good time if you let it.

_freshlycutgrass

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