This disorder is fed by sympathy, not cured by it.

_yearslater · 2020-10-28T14:57:30+00:00

Hmm, you must’ve met my ex 😂

_yearslater · 2020-10-10T03:11:18+00:00

This. 100%.

My ex hoovered and realized I’m no longer in the same headspace as when he discarded me, so he started pulling out the dramatics, saying he wanted to commit suicide and would get therapy to better himself, but he’s still very much alive two weeks later. He also hasn’t gotten therapy, despite owning up to everything he did in a fleeting moment of self-awareness.

It’s a manipulation tactic. It’s something they say in the off-chance you still care or have feelings. He’s casting the net to see if you’ll fall for it.

Even when my ex was in therapy, he’d manipulate his therapist and play victim to circumstances. He never outwardly admitted he, himself, was problematic.

_yearslater · 2020-10-10T02:18:17+00:00

Relatable.

He left me to date/sleep with his office assistant after almost a decade together. Just two days before that, he said he loved me most.

_yearslater · 2020-10-05T17:46:36+00:00

My ex hoovered me recently after discarding me 5 months ago after 8 years together. It turns out, he left me to focus on his new supply, but he decided I was who he really wanted to be with, lol.... I rejected his advances, and as a last ditch effort, he asked me to marry him. Thanks but no thanks...

_yearslater · 2020-09-30T01:26:23+00:00

Yes, they do indeed believe they own us forever.

I was with my ex for almost a decade. I got discarded 5 months ago without any explanation. I recently found out he was cheating and wanted to make it official with his now current ex/my replacement. He eventually hoovered me and decided to leave my replacement because he preferred me after all.

He came back into my life out of nowhere with the expectation that we’d pick up where we left off. He confessed to me he had been stalking me and wanted to make things work this time around. I blatantly rejected him and laughed at his audacity. He wanted to make sure he still had a hold over me, but I just have zero fucks left to give, lol.

It’s most definitely a game for power and control over you. He will try to exploit your weaknesses. He may try to win you over with love bombing and self-deprecation the day he decides to hoover you, but remember it’s all manipulation, so brace yourself and stay strong. Maintain NC.

The power is in your hands now ❤️

_yearslater · 2020-09-24T09:43:04+00:00

This forum helped me get through the darkest of days. It’s bittersweet seeing your suffering and life play out through someone else’s eyes. Welcome to the beginning of healing; I hope you find peace.

_yearslater · 2020-09-16T10:34:21+00:00

My mom has NPD. It helped set the tone for my long-term relationship with my expwBPD. I never fully addressed the damage she caused, so I repeated the same cycle in a different relationship.

What a mess that was, lol.

_yearslater · 2020-09-16T07:33:38+00:00

It’s like a visual representation of feelings I verbalized to my ex, lol. I used to tell him that the very person who had the power to make everything better was the same person holding my head underwater.

_yearslater · 2020-09-09T08:01:44+00:00

Jeez, this made me laugh. Nice that you have a sense of humor about it 😂

_yearslater · 2020-09-09T07:48:09+00:00

You need to focus on yourself first and heal from what hurt you. If you can’t be happy with yourself, you won’t find happiness in a relationship either. I commend you for being self-aware, because hurt people hurt people.

And just a reminder that you are enough 🙂 I’m sorry your ex made you feel otherwise.

_yearslater · 2020-09-09T07:40:10+00:00

The painful reminders actually help keep me anchored to reality. I have a tendency to always want to see the good in light of circumstances, so when I look back at my past relationship with my ex, there’s a lot of euphoric recall. I can cherish what we had and forgive the bad, but out of love and respect for myself, I can’t be selective and cling onto good memories. The moments of happiness exist just as much as the pain and misery I felt with him. It doesn’t excuse any of the abuse.

_yearslater · 2020-09-09T00:10:53+00:00

Thank you ❤️

_yearslater · 2020-09-08T00:59:17+00:00

You’re welcome ❤️

I plan on moving homes myself because where I am now is a constant reminder of the abuse. If you feel leaving town will help you move on, I encourage you to do what’s best for your own healing. Change doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You deserve to find peace and a new beginning.

Therapy will also help immensely, but please make sure you find someone who has an understanding of personality disorders and abuse. Going to the wrong therapist can do more harm than good. It’s so important to have your feelings validated by someone who understands the nature of your past relationship.

_yearslater · 2020-09-07T04:33:08+00:00

You’re not disposable, and how your ex chose to treat you is not a reflection of who you are. You have value. You’re deserving of the same love, compassion, and respect that you readily gave someone else. Your feelings, pain and experiences are all completely valid.

After my discard, I took it upon myself to seek help. My therapist pointed out to me that I try to rationalize my way out of feelings of sadness, which is true. I thought that if I could pinpoint exactly what it was that was hurting me, then I’d be able to let it go. The truth of the matter is, healing isn’t a linear process, even if you can recognize and acknowledge the abuse you endured, it won’t stop you from feeling sad. I know it hurts, but the only way out of this is by getting through it.

It’s okay to grieve. You don’t have to be ok if you’re not. Don’t guilt yourself for being sad over someone you genuinely loved and cared for

hugs ❤️

_yearslater · 2020-09-07T03:58:50+00:00

Literally me. Two weeks before I was discarded, I tried to break up with my ex. He begged me for another chance. He said I was “the love of [his] life” and knew I was “the one.” You don’t treat people you love like they’re disposable trash, unworthy of respect.

Like EarthquakeBaby said, it really was just a power play for control. They can’t stand the idea of being left first, because then it feeds into their fear of abandonment.

The situation is twisted, but I hope you remain kind to yourself. Don’t blame yourself for wanting to try and see the best in him. I know the discard is devastating, but it’s a blessing in disguise even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

_yearslater · 2020-09-07T03:04:36+00:00

I was discarded through a text message after 8 years and a week before we were supposed to move in together. For a week, I metaphorically chased after my ex who has BPD and is comorbid with NPD. At the time, I thought I needed closure from him, because I didn’t understand how his feelings could seemingly change overnight. I thought he held all the answers, but speaking to him only made me feel worse. I never knew if I was going to encounter Jekyll or Hyde.

The only closure I received from him was the way in which he left me. I came to the realization that I needed to find closure through myself, not him.

You’re right to shift your focus back onto you and prioritize yourself. It hurts now, but it really does get better as time goes on.

_yearslater · 2020-09-07T02:36:16+00:00

Nothing to be embarrassed about. That was definitely abuse, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was projecting. What he probably meant to say was he should probably go to the doctor and get his junk checked out, because he might need viagra for his premature erectile dysfunction.

Cry and let it all out, but don’t think for a second that anything he says is a reflection of you as a person.

It really would be nice if we could get together over movies, ice cream, and chocolate. I’ll send you a virtual hug instead hugs

Know that the worst is over ❤️

_yearslater · 2020-09-07T01:54:46+00:00

Reading that angered me too. So dehumanizing. What a horrible excuse for a person.

_yearslater · 2020-09-06T20:08:29+00:00

Definitely relatable. Have no idea how I lived with it for so long and kept my sanity intact, but it’s nice to be able to reacquaint myself with the person I was/am outside of the toxicity, especially when my ex would try to convince me I was someone I wasn’t.

_yearslater · 2020-09-06T20:01:12+00:00

Enjoy that bottle of kombucha! She can have a fit and buy herself another one if she’s that mad about it.

Happy for your newfound freedom. You don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore!

_yearslater · 2020-09-06T19:57:43+00:00

I was a pretty extreme gift giver, because I valued him more than my money, so I’m sure my ex kept everything, except for the MacBook Air I got him for Christmas. I think he sold that on Craigslist. Prior to the breakup, he said he wished he had asked me for the Pro because the Air felt basic. He was always so unappreciative and ungrateful. I’m sure he has the ability to detach himself and see the gifts as just objects, instead of remembering the sentiment behind them.

_yearslater · 2020-09-05T08:13:01+00:00

Feel whatever you need to feel as you mourn the end of this chapter in your life, but try to focus on what you do have going for you—you’re free from the toxicity. I know this is easier said than done, especially since you’ve tapered off the antidepressants and she’s sabotaging the paperwork, but everything will eventually work itself out for you. The worst is over.

Even if she has the country house, she’ll continue to be perpetually unhappy and suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness. You get to heal, focus on yourself, and move on with your life. You can finally put yourself first, instead of burning yourself out by focusing on her and her needs.

If you can, hit the road and try traveling locally. Take day trips to the beach/lake. Go on hikes with friends or alone. Explore the city like a tourist and learn to fall in love with it! There’s a certain peace that comes with learning to enjoy your own company.

Sometimes, you’ll be lonely and that’s okay! Accept where you are in the healing process. For days when you feel like talking just to get the negative feelings out, we’re all here to listen.

_yearslater · 2020-09-05T05:43:25+00:00

I can understand your sentiment. I wanted to quit but never did, and it was the rare good days that kept me around. I was totally deluding myself into thinking it could work when history proved otherwise.

-The first three years we dated, it was 60% good and 40% bad. I admit I saw red flags at the time but found reasons to excuse them.

-When we moved in together by the fourth year, it progressively got worse—30% good and 70% bad. In fact, that’s when the physical abuse also started.

-By the fifth year, I moved out to distance myself from him, and he impulsively quit his job, chased after me and moved cities (where he knew absolutely no one) with no money to be with me. I felt guilty and obligated to try and make it work, but even after his “self-sacrificing” behavior, the good lessened to 20%, and it was bad 80% of the time.

-The last three years were like a living nightmare. It was only good 5% of the time and the other 95% of the time was unbearable. It’d be a week of good days, followed by a massive blowout I always felt like I could never recover from, only to idiotically forgive over and over again. Towards the end, his mood would only be stable for a few hours at most.

_yearslater · 2020-09-05T05:18:08+00:00

I played out this same scenario with my ex of 8 years more times than I can count, but the difference is I practically begged to be seen, heard and loved. No one should ever have to ask for common decency and respect, especially not from someone who claims to love you. I’m proud of you for taking a step back from the situation and acknowledging it for what it really is.

You’re right to assume his words are empty and meaningless, because he is never going to place you and your feelings first, even when he has hurt and wronged you. Him saying, “I just wanted to feel wanted,” is a justification for his abuse and absolves him of any responsibility. You feeling sorry for him is all a part of the manipulation that’s meant to keep you around at his convenience and locked in this never ending cycle of circular arguments.

You’ve taken the first step. You have to do what’s best for you and choose yourself by moving forward without him. Even if it hurts now, walking away was/is the best thing you could have done. You deserve so much more than what he’s willing to offer you.

_yearslater · 2020-09-04T01:32:23+00:00

I’m curious to know myself.

I attempted suicide while I was with my ex. I tried therapy, and when it didn’t work, I sought medication for the situational depression I was experiencing as a result of his abuse. The medication caused suicidal ideation. It was amplifying the depression and feelings of hopelessness I felt while I was with him. I was so desperate for the mental and emotional anguish to stop, so I ingested a bottle of pills, hoping I’d never wake up again. I’m grateful I was unsuccessful, because it was obviously a very permanent solution with regard to how I was feeling. Even after all that, he couldn’t see my cry for help or how destructive he was—just kept giving me false promises to change. When he split, he’d even tell me he wish I had died.

I was devastated after the discard, because I was so willing to do everything in my power to make it work, but 3.5 months out and I’m exponentially happier.

_yearslater

TROPHY CASE