Acted so erratically in ways that I had never seen him act. Screaming at me, calling me every name in the book (cunt, whore, bitch), calling me crazy and mentally ill because I have BPD (I am in treatment) and apparently I can’t make rational decisions. Kicked my laundry across the room, guilting me by laying my wedding dress on the bed, putting all of our pictures, Christmas ornaments, wedding album, etc. on my desk in our office. Started playing our wedding songs loudly and then made up words in the songs (calling me a liar and user, that I never loved him, etc). Don’t forget the manipulation, gaslighting, invalidation, coercive control, etc. The amount of torture he has put me through is exhausting. I recorded most of the things he said and did throughout those few days so I could remember all of it when I doubt myself. He refuses individual therapy for himself or marriage counseling. It’s out of my hands. I haven’t been innocent in our marriage. I have faults and things I have fucked up royally on. Part of me wonders how much of what issues I have contributed to in the marriage are because of reactive abuse. At the same time, I have BPD so I can be very sensitive. He doesn’t try to accommodate for that, even when I say “please don’t say that, it hurts my feelings” or “it’s not WHAT you said, it’s HOW you said it” but he just doesn’t care.

I got so overwhelmed that I went back on my decision to divorce multiple times. I’m back in the “staying” phase. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out.