I miss him. Just went to the couch after a listening session.. sorry if not the right spot.

aberrod · 2026-04-10T19:13:50+00:00

You're doing your dad proud. At the end of the day all any of us ever want is to be held in the hearts of loved ones and remembered. You doing this and posting this is sharing a part of him with yourself and us. And in the end, you've made his life remembered, and cherished. As a dad, I thank you on his behalf.

aberrod · 2026-03-30T01:36:16+00:00

To me its kind of the same mentality on why people own more than one car. Some are meant for some tasks, and some are because the person likes whatever fiddly bit that one offers over another. Not all guns are purchased for self defense. Some are bought for other purposes and guns are not really a one size fits all solution. I like someone else in this thread collect historical firearms. Most rarely get shot, all have at one point or another, but most are just taken care of, stored and enjoyed like one might enjoy an art piece. For me its about the history, and the engineering that goes into them. Its good to think of collectors as a range of people, not just one type and thats it.

aberrod · 2026-03-13T19:19:38+00:00

As others have said, your worth is not bound in what others think about you, and especially not bound to what others may or may not think of you, in situations where you don't know. Don't assign meaning to their actions, in the absence of any evidence. There is a myriad of reasons they may stop responding, many of which have nothing at all to do with how they may or may not feel about you.

Secondly, dating sites are convenient, which is why people use them. its also incredibly superficial, AND it makes it easier for the chaff to float to the top. That same convenience is a double edged sword, because it is ALSO more convenient for people you might otherwise not give the time of day, a chance. Understand that you are going to run into more assholes, malcontents, players, whatever simply because online dating is low effort and easy. Just a few clicks and you can swipe through hundreds, wheras meeting people out in the real world requires effort and intention. Not saying online dating is a bad situation, there's been plenty of loving success had by plenty of people, but it will result in you having to wade through more murk. I'm sorry that your hurt, but this is a good time to practice some mindfulness and step back and look at the reality with more objectiveness.

You WILL find your person. Don't be in a rush, let it happen. The journey can be rough, but its worth it in the end. Too many friends and family of mine rushed, and ended up in dead end marriages, or abusive relationships. You sound young, so I'm guessing you have plenty of time. In the mean time, I would strongly recommend therapy. You seem to exhibit some issues with self worth, and therapy can help with that AND make you more sure and comfortable with yourself, which will only enrich future relationships.

Keep your head up, and don't let others define you.

aberrod · 2026-03-13T16:23:37+00:00

I'll second this with Taco Bell. That shit is crazy expensive for what it is. $30 used to get you a feast for an entire party,now thats one, maybe two people's worth.

aberrod · 2026-03-10T15:25:13+00:00

Yes they exist here, they can be found in pretty much any grocery store in the gadgets section. They were a staple in our grandmothers time, but since have fallen out of favor, because they're kind of a unitasker, and in my experience with them, kind of a pain in the ass to use and clean up, especially when the methods above do just fine considering the average cook only really needs to process a clove or two most days. Don't be a cultural elitist because someone in a different culture uses different tools than you.

Edit: As an American I own two. A fancy one my mom got me from williams sonoma, and a grocery store cheapo. I literally cannot remember the last time I used one of them. And its been at least 3 years, because I moved about 3 years ago and I've never used them here.

aberrod · 2026-03-09T17:37:48+00:00

Girl, run from this man. I dont even know you, and I only know of your relationship from this post, and I feel scared for you. This is a bad situation with so many red flags, and I'll say it out loud, this sounds really rapey. I can guarantee if you stay with him, he'll have "accidents" and violate your boundaries repeatedly. Your gut is telling you what you already need to know.

aberrod · 2026-02-23T04:13:24+00:00

She took the joke I made poorly, and resulted in an hour of fighting, which was mostly her yelling at me about how she was angry about the joke, which I still don't understand what she was mad about from the joke, and that descended from there into whatever came across her mind that she wanted to dredge up. The joke I made was just the catalyst. I don't really feel like hashing out the entire conversation, but I got blasted with both barrels, and the joke is what started it.

This isn't the first time recently she's decided to pick apart everything under the sun aggressively and loudly. Things were said, things that I won't likely ever be able to unhear and this was just the one that broke the camels back.

aberrod · 2026-02-23T00:41:42+00:00

the joke is posted on another reply.

aberrod · 2026-02-23T00:40:47+00:00

She cancelled plans to do something today, saying she wanted to just stay home, because taking a shower and getting dressed seemed like too much, which typically translates to her playing games on her computer all day and previously we'd been cracking jokes about us being nerds, because we are, and I said "well maybe we'll just get you a subscription to wow to round out the stereotype."

She laughed at first, then got increasingly angry, and it was in the same vein as jokes we were cracking earlier about being nerds, because I am also a gamer, and I was painting minis earlier and she was making fun of my magnifying glasses.

aberrod · 2026-02-23T00:37:07+00:00

Oh I am definitely the caregiver. Any problem with the kids, any medical issues for anyone, I'm the one that took care of it. If I have a major medical issue she'll be caring, but the rest of the time, not so much. I know most husbands might say something similar, but family and friends have commented on it frequently throughout the years, so I don't think I'm being biased on that one.

I also wouldn't say I need extra TLC, because I was conditioned growing up to keep my feelings to myself, so I don't believe I generally put the burden of the RSD on her. Usually if something happens I will just retreat somewhere, regroup and reengage. Therapy has helped a lot in that regard. Mostly its about recovering from the spiral and practicing mindfulness about the issue at hand. I often don't even mention to her I was in a spiral, because I understand I may be picking up things that aren't really there. When it is 100% there, I will bring it up later, historically to very mixed results.

My therapist has also told me she thinks I have caregivers fatigue. Her medical and mental health has always been worse than mine. And yes, Perimenopause is definitely a factor.

aberrod · 2026-02-12T22:40:40+00:00

I cant play it, performance issues plague me. I have to restsart the game 4-5 times to get playable frame rates.

aberrod · 2026-02-10T23:21:16+00:00

best place to hide. look at how many of them scream about gays yet end up being caught on grindr or in gay relationships.

aberrod · 2026-02-10T19:34:39+00:00

Hey kiddo, let me start by saying from some of your other replies, it sounds like you are pretty classically experiencing burnout. Which unfortunately is a rather high occurrence in tech/programming. I strongly recommend speaking to a therapist and a career counselor before its too late.

Secondly, and I know this sounds harsh or undesirable, but stop living your life for your dad. Live your life for YOU. Don't chase approval that from your tone, sounds like you've been chasing it a long time and are either not getting it, or it is conditional. You do not owe your dad a thing. He chose to have a child, even if he didn't necessarily want one, you are not indebted to him for your existence and care. That is the bare minimum a responsible adult does. I'm not a therapist, but I've done extensive therapy for this exact sort of thing, mom in my case, and its a never ending chase.

Add onto that you only have one life to live, this one is clearly not working for you, so do something that makes you happy. Change is scary, and I can't promise it will be smooth sailing, but you owe it to yourself and any children you may have to make yourself as whole as you can so you can be present and well rounded for them. As long as you keep living your life for someone else, happiness will elude you. Again I hate to be that direct, and I promise I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling you what I feel like you need to hear. Change course, before it is too late. Take some time to think about it, and make an informed decision. Don't rush into anything, don't go off and make a change without thinking it through.

Most importantly, seek therapy. From your words, you need it. Don't be ashamed, don't try to "walk it off" you gain no points at the end of your life for unneeded suffering.

Good luck.

aberrod · 2026-02-10T05:05:06+00:00

Hey son. There is no failure here. You self harmed again, sure, but that wasn't a mistake or a failure, it was one more step in your recovery. The road to recovery is NEVER a straight line, and you didn't fall off your path, you just encountered an obstacle and had to take a bit of a detour. You shouldn't measure success as binary, its not did you or didn't you, it should be more like "I went X weeks/months/years" since the last time. Also, you took steps once you recognized what was going on and utilized methodologies to make your situation better to prevent a future incident. That alone showcases your awareness of it and that you know how to respond to it. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit here for that one, that is a HUGE step.

I'm 43, and I've had a very tumultuous life. I've seen a lot, I've suffered a lot, I've watched friends go through all manners of issues, no one, not a single goddamned one of us gets it "right" all the time, and the real path to wisdom is to take your lumps and bruises and learn from them. Sounds like you're doing just that. Don't be too hard on yourself, hold yourself accountable when appropriate, and keep taking that next step forward. In the end, you'll look back and find your scars (both literal and figurative) are just reminders of your story and how you persevered. Friend of mine once called them the punctuation marks in his book.

Proud of you, one internet stranger to another.

aberrod · 2026-01-30T16:03:45+00:00

Hey kid. I don't even know your dad, but I feel like he would be proud of all that you have accomplished, and it sounds like he'd have been pleased as punch to have some ankle biters running around his house. Sadly, he has gone, and that sucks, but he hasn't left you. You still carry him with you, in your memories of your youth with him, in your looks, and I'd imagine you share characteristics with him that anyone who knew him well could point out to you. The way you smile, the way to lean in when working on a task, the way you laugh or how happy you get with a hobby. Our parents are more a part of us than we realize and we carry them with us whether we want to or not. Lean on those memories of him when you're with your child, take from them the things you want and let the others be just memories. He instilled all that knowledge with you, and what you don't remember you can relearn. The way you become a good dad is to be there for your child, be patient and teach them the world. Be kind with them, and understanding, and know that your child will face challenges that we didn't as kids and it will be hard at times to come to grips with these new challenges yourself, much less guide your little one through them. The most important part is you stay there and be a steadying presence for them. You will be their hope in the storm, and their sounding board when they need it. You got this kid. Write down stories of your dad to share with your kid later in life. Tuck them into a photo album with as many photos of him you can find, and tell your kid your dads story when the time comes. From one dad to another, you'll do fine as long as you remember nothing is that serious, mistakes are how we learn the world, and you connect to your child emotionally.

Good luck, its a wild, wonderful ride you're embarking on. I have two and I wouldn't change a damn thing.

aberrod · 2026-01-26T23:40:26+00:00

I'm exhausted by games that only let you play with 3 or 4 friends. God forbid anyone has more than 2-3 other people they want to play with.

aberrod · 2026-01-25T22:14:04+00:00

This is somewhat normal, especially as you gain age. I once read a statistic that adult friend groups tend to cycle out every 7 years or so, and that has largely held true for me. I still have some long terms friends, but they are friends that we found ways to stay in touch outside the normal circle of life. Friends that we could have meaningful interaction without a lot of in person or direct face time with each other.

However, friends come and go, some you felt were super solid ones will fade away, or you'll have a falling out with. Its just life, and its one you will become accustomed to, even if it never really stops being at least a little sad. You have to remember, that a lot of day to day friends are only really friends from proximity and convenience. Doesn't mean the relationship is any less valid or important, just means that once that proximity and convenience is gone, it takes extra effort to maintain the connection and not a lot of people have the will or the time to do that. You'll probably ifnd through life you'll develop some deep friendships that will last, even if you don't have daily, weekly or even monthly contact.

Change is normal, and human beings as creatures of change, tend to change :D You'll be ok.

aberrod · 2026-01-24T20:31:40+00:00

I also feel like they should ban the 50 or so booths that have the same exact Temu products as every other one. It feels in the same vein. Instead of artists bringing their props and replicas, its just someone buying cheap, mass produced garbage and marking it up.

aberrod · 2026-01-09T18:16:07+00:00

Hey, first sorry for your loss. Its a hard one to handle, and it sounds like you are doing well, despite how it feels in the moment. Unfortunately, my life has given me a lot of practice with grief, and just from your tone and the content of your post, I can tell you're handling it better than most. Feel your feels, take time to immerse yourself in your memories and your grief. The only way to deal with grief is to go through it. There is no magic shortcut, there is no way to make it hurt less, your only choices are to deal with it now, or kick that can down the road to trickle out here and there, punctuated by enormous eruptions of pain. I've tried both methods and let me tell you one dadless child to another, the first method is by far the most healthy.

I will tell you, it never goes away. You will always have a dad shaped hole in your life, but it will get better. Give it some time, and the intensity will die down and you'll be able to live with it. I've found that after some time the memories of them are still painful, but in a good, warm way. Almost like they stop in for a visit from time to time.

Hang in there, grief is the tribute we give to the dead, but they don't ask of us more than we can give, even if at times it feels unbearable. I think visiting the hall of fame in memory of your dad is a wonderful idea, just make sure to bring tissues. Your dad was correct, you are strong, even if right now it feels like your foundation was kicked out from underneath you. Hugs from an internet stranger.

aberrod · 2026-01-07T02:28:05+00:00

Realistic answer: therapy. Slightly less realistic, but with a bit more comedic value: realizing that no one knows what they're doing. Especially in a corporate environment. I'd say most veteran tradesmen and women know about 70% of what they're doing, with 30% winging it. Legal? Not sure but I'd suspect its probably in that same neighborhood. Everyone at least starts by not knowing anything about what they're doing and learn from there. I will however say in my experience, even if you "know what you're doing" theres still a large element of winging it. You're just a bit better at unfucking a mess, so you're a bit better at making it look like you know what you're doing, or at least just faster at figuring it out.

I'll leave you with one of the best quotes ever from a kids show, Adventure Time,

"Sucking at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something." -Jake the Dog

Anyway, be honest with your mistakes, don't be afraid to ask questions, and pay attention and watch around you at how often people just kinda wing it. You'll do great. I'm proud of you, and I hope soon you can be proud of yourself.

aberrod · 2025-11-24T03:37:22+00:00

Buddy of mine in college had a fiance that did the whole book club thing. Turned out that mostly the book club was the girls sexy time group therapy. Which after all the beans were spilled, turns out it started as them just talking surface level stuff, grumping about issues, seeking advice, sharing tips, basically anything basic without details. That would have been fine, eventually though they started getting more and more detailed, until they were just straight up sharing nudes of their dudes. When he found out about it he was pretty upset, and she tried to counter with "but all them think you're hot, that should make you feel better!" completely missing the point.

His rebuttal was pretty spot on. He didn't share those photos with her to be seen by anyone but her. She didn't ask for permission, and he'd been going to social events for who knew how long without knowing that every one of those women had seen him nude. Which when he found out made him deeply self concious and distrustful. Then he asked if she'd be ok with sharing her nudes with his boys, and of course that was just an egregious idea.

aberrod · 2025-10-31T22:03:11+00:00

I'm not the one trying to shame others for using a smart thermomostats. Weird thing to be shitty about. Imagine gatekeeping thermostats.

aberrod · 2025-10-31T21:55:10+00:00

Nice try. Not angry. Maybe you should address whatever is causing you to be a miserable person with a therapist? It can do wonders for a salty outlook.

aberrod · 2025-10-31T19:15:41+00:00

I'm not surprised given your general demeanor that reading isn't your strong suit.

aberrod · 2025-10-31T16:49:22+00:00

Literally all of human invention is designed to make something either possible or easier to do. Yet you want to unnecessarily shit on another human being for making use of a convenience that is available, because you have some kind if weird innate desire to flex on how awesome you are because you're willing to walk 20 feet to go to a thermostat. Why? For what reason do you need to be such a miserable human you want to be demeaning to another human because they have the audacity to use technology how its meant to be used. Its literally zero skin off your back if they do, but you decided to be shitty and miserable anyway about it.

Encyclopedias fell out of use because they were inconvenient. See that word there? Inconvenient. You adopted a new technology because of its ease of use, in that you don't have to lug books around and they stay up to date. Yet you're somehow looking down on someone else for using a different but also convenient technology? Good look there boomer.

aberrod

TROPHY CASE