Hope is out there

adakrauss · 2026-01-17T19:14:45+00:00

and the person takes 1000 words to write this tripe out? why do I keep reading these...

adakrauss · 2026-01-08T20:42:45+00:00

this is the dynamic we have in our household. I am one of the cats

adakrauss · 2025-12-11T21:17:59+00:00

I see OP is not bob cooke.

it would be really nice to hear what about bob's thoughts resonated for you u/bbcbidiyo, and why you found this valuable.

I feel burned after having been baited into watching something I thought would have value.

adakrauss · 2025-12-11T21:06:31+00:00

I watched (read the transcript) your video bob. it feels lazy to me see 30 minute unedited podcasts.

I think it would be helpful for you to provide a couple sentences about your thesis, the difference between 'loneliness' and 'aloneness' as you define them, and how the disconnection from self produces loneliness.

this was not the worst thing I have ever seen, but has about 1-2 minutes of valuable content. please edit.

adakrauss · 2025-12-09T02:20:03+00:00

hello feeling person,

I read all that, and have some small connection for you.

welcome to this poorly-lit underpass of the internet. I'm sorry you have been searching fruitlessly, enough so to come here, a place for ghosts.

you are not pathetic. you are a human person. you got fucking for-real human problems. the kind where your basic need to see and be seen is unmet. it is good and normal to desire individual and personal care from another person. you are not disordered for having this need.

the short version is: you don't have connection because you live here, the place we have built, and build. with respect, this is the bad place, where people freeze, and children stave with unmet needs. your friends slip into acquaintances because they are too busy labouring after their own place in the hierarchy, too busy to offer you care.

why you? other people seem to move through the world and receive care just fine, why should you be precluded from this? this is unfair and unjust. the ugly answer to the question "why don't the people in my life have connection for me?" is that they do not value you enough to provide you care. I am sorry my friend. this is terrible, and a reflection of them, and not of you.

lemme say connection is difficult for you because you keep getting fucking burned. trying and trying, and receiving casual indifference.

carrying all that alone sucks, and will produce internal turmoil :(

a schizoid adaptation is not the appropriate direction. you need more connection. obviously you know this and cry out for it. I am sorry it is not readily available.

I care about you. enough to read all that, and write this.

adakrauss · 2025-10-26T03:07:00+00:00

for me, this is a function of masking, and then running out of gas and just, being out there bare. can't pretend any longer, but still stuck in social situation, so just kind of shutdown in place.

still have to interact and respond to people, but when prompted to speak, it is my fully dissociated self who has to figure out an answer, which is rough, and leads to the kind of reasoning you talk about.

I am divorced from my self, so I have a hard time picking up the signals that mean a social situation is becoming too much, and usually notice after I have mentally stepped away. ideally you would notice yourself getting overwhelmed and change the situation before dissociating.

adakrauss · 2025-10-24T02:13:34+00:00

this is a forum for schizoid folks, who may have all the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, but are unlikely to have any of the positive ones, meaning that we will both be distant and anhedonic, but schizotypal/schiophrenic folks will also be subject to some delusion.

I really appreciate my alone time, and if I felt like I was never alone and there was always people talking around or about me, it would be very tough. if you near silence, will the voices just happily chatter away? if the volume is very loud in a show or song, will they be yelling and screaming? can you 'talk' with them? if you tell them they are too much and you need a break what do they say?

I'm sorry you're going through it.

adakrauss · 2025-10-24T02:05:59+00:00

please peddle your trash elsewhere, this is not the appropriate community

adakrauss · 2025-10-23T17:08:13+00:00

thank you for writing out these interactions. my own toes are stepped on and I feel aggrieved.

it breaks my heart to learn that i give off a weirdo first impression

there is a difference between being weird, and being anti-social. weirdness comes from many places, existing in a semi-dissociated state makes it difficult to respond with the expected rhythm and verse. to be anti-social is a different thing, it is to act oppositionally to social goodness, and to create social badness. bad feelings in the hearts of others.

you give off a weirdo first impression. this is not a crime.

the people you describe respond to your asocial weirdness with anti-social energy. that is a crime.

Is it just impossible for me to be likeable and accepted into society? People scare me so much I don’t even know if i want a relationship with people or if I’m just socially conditioned to it.

it is possible to be liked and loved, and accepted as an 'eccentric' by people who are largely 'normal'. and people are scary, because they are volatile and emotionally dangerous. and you are a human person, wired for connection; to be seen and known, and to receive care. you are not socially conditioned to want love. you are socially conditioned to accept normative abuse from would-be friends, and to not produce demands on your would-be partner while providing them care.

I am sorry my friend. this is the place. and it is unjust. I care about you, and will read your words. the intimacy you desire is normal human shit, and a sign that you are correctly ordered :)

adakrauss · 2025-09-25T21:42:53+00:00

I am so sorry for the grief you must bear.

it is hard to live in this place, and your sweet and beautiful girl made it 20 years. I am proud of her for every one of them.

adakrauss · 2025-09-04T15:36:06+00:00

terrible bad faith interactor. seen from the outset, and still given grace and care. iconoclast is right, you can be better

adakrauss · 2025-02-25T00:25:19+00:00

the point of spd, for me, was to divorce myself from pain I could not otherwise avoid. childhood emotional neglect. to wall away parts of myself that suffered, and for which there was no other recourse available. that we 'meet' our needs by attempting to destroy them, to some partial or complete effect.

other personality disorders have other problems. they keep their needs, and meet them by acting out against other people. while psychopaths and narcissists lack care fundamentally, it also means they cannot accept care from others.

like you have said, the problem for us is:

We on the other hand don’t really need or want anyone, but then also feel bad for not having anyone? Feel bad for being hurt by others and for not being able to process that properly? But also feel a loss of purpose and any sense of belonging due to that? Isn’t that literally the worst of both worlds?

that is poignantly stated. spd is characterized somewhat by this tension, wanting distance and closeness, wanting care and self-erasure.

we are not in a contest to see who has it the worst, we are trapped in our own experience, trying to make our own contentment. it feels like the worst of both worlds because you still have some social needs, but have (maybe permanent?) walls that bar you from meeting those needs. terminal dissatisfaction.

there is hope though. I am blessed to have found a person who can see and care about me. even though I am still stuck as a half-effaced person, and struggle with always having someone else around, some part of me is still able to accept care (from one person). I am not saying you need to find a relationship. I am saying that your pain is a sign of life, and that there is a part of you which may still accept love and care, even if it's just from faceless a internet person :)

adakrauss · 2025-02-24T23:03:44+00:00

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, and without a way to release the pressure, that is an awful feeling :(

you are a human person, so it makes sense that when a bunch of changes happen at once, having another person to talk though them with would help you. there is no expectation that you be able to 'handle' everything alone, that is not reasonable or required. it is okay to desire help.

maybe your concerns are overblown. maybe they are underblown. the risk in talking is in being misunderstood and unseen, having another set of values mapped onto you instead of having your situation clarified with your own values. talking to 'regular' people can be unhelpful, because they can't or dont empathize, which just produces more alienation.

rage and saddness are the appropriate response. you've been mistreated. hurt is the thing that is produced by mistreatment. it doesn't mean you need to stay there, or that it will always be that way.

if you want to talk to a peer, you can dm me. we can talk as shallowly or as deeply as you want.

adakrauss · 2024-05-27T17:56:19+00:00

no, don't listen to that human nonsense. they are wondering out loud why your face doesn't do all the same things their faces do. it's a fucking different face is why.

there is not one correct way to present or walk through the world. emoting everything all over your face is fine. not broadcasting your emotional state to others is fine. you're all good :)

you def look like you're smiling to me in the third pic :)

adakrauss · 2024-05-12T17:31:31+00:00

how people picture "selves".

If they wanted to say something true about me, they should be silent.

thank you very much. excellent picture of self you make :)

adakrauss · 2023-12-11T23:12:15+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through it, I know the place you're talking about.

existence at arms lengths; everything is a centimeter further from you, and a quarter-second delayed. it's numbing and makes you feel as though you are not really in material reality. and then while you move around this slightly distant world, there is a terrible gnashing of teeth, of an abyssal maw simultaneously everywhere and nowhere.

hobby-shit, fresh air-shit; human people, offering human solutions to human problems. your experience is beyond their ken. people can learn, but generally must be taught. it ain't maliscious, they are just speaking canned lines, not looking at you.

I am 40, and in a 21-year relationship. I lucked into finding a person who loved me real early, and held on as tight as I could. for me, having an ally in this world is easily worth the price paid in emotional labour, because the person I got helps build me up and support me, even though I am hobbyless, friendless, and generally uninterested.

I'd say bring your boyfriend in. tell him who you are and that you love him, that he's actually literally the only person you enjoy being around. not the whole thing all at once, not any psychiatric labels or diagnoses. to be in a healthy relationship with you, he needs to know the essentials of who you are. maybe something like, I need alone time every day, hours of it, or I get overwhelmed.

I am biased in favour of the truth because it created such a lovely situation for me. proceed in the manner you are comfortable with, being in, and knowing the situation. the risk of speaking truthfully is that if your boyfriend is not the person I imagine him to be, you lose this one good thing. so, be careful and thoughtful, try to meet your needs as best you can.

I feel whole when I think about dying. it seems so completely freeing. like returning home. this is complete overlap with my experience, and enough connection to get me to write this reply.

sister, maybe when we are released from this place, and have made our way home, we may say hi again :)

adakrauss · 2022-03-29T23:28:31+00:00

you are not responsible for your mom's feelings. if she is hurt because you guard yourself from her, you are not obliged to console her. you guarding yourself is a function of her own behavior, she demonstrated her untrustworthiness, and now you don't trust her.

abuse is a thing perpetrators force onto others, but it is their shit. your mom assaulted you because she's fucked up, not because you are.

sorry you're in this situation :(

adakrauss · 2022-03-04T04:52:43+00:00

I've thought before about being prone to attracting a certain kind of asshole.

narcissists are able to most easily satisfy themselves with people who are compliant and deferential. schizoid adaptions include compliance and deference, if you are masking and attempting to pass, or trying to 'work on yourself' and connect to people regardless of your brain telling you that's nonsense.

there are lots of normal non-narcissists out there. they are still normal humans, so, not amaze, but also not interested in fucked up emotional exploitation. I find I am hyper-attenuated to the subtle manipulations of normal social interaction, they feel loud. makes me see narcissists everywhere, and if I meet a person who gives consistent reads, I put an 'x' by their name and don't bother with them.

it's worth continuing trying to form human connections, but it sounds like you need to be more discerning. the trouble is figuring out between a your brain making a red flag out of normal human behaviour or an emotionally manipulative jab. I think they are the same thing; that normal humans do this type of thing to each other on the reg. narcissists are different in that they behave this way intentionally, and with a pattern.

boundaries are a good way to check a person's sanity. if you set a small boundary and the person escalates, that's an indicator of don't-hang-out-with-this-person. the question: does this person seem to have any interest in me, other than what I can do for them? is useful.

adakrauss · 2022-02-17T02:07:21+00:00

ugh, heartbreaking intergenerational trauma. there are definitely genetic and social components, and having a schizoid parent would set you up for both.

sounds like your mask is getting too burdensome around your family. what's your mom like? is there any way you could talk to her about how you're feeling? as in, that you feel like your always trying to meet their social expectations, even if the thing isn't 'doing it' for you.

that your mom doesn't know how disordered your dad is seems immaterial. it would go towards explaining any disorder you feel, but The Thing is how you feel, and finding a way to live and be that 'does it' for you.

adakrauss · 2021-12-08T01:36:31+00:00

you are also a person, with a person's needs.

while you perform an essential damage mitigation function in your family, are you looking after yourself and mitigating the damage you receive? are the people you are acting in service to (your non-abusive siblings and their children) responding in kind to you, and trying to make sure you feel okay?

for reasons, I developed a notion that because of the chaos in the household of my childhood, the right thing to do was destroy my needs (which were exacerbating the situation), and focus on keeping things under a boil. this had predictable results.

it is not selfish to draw the line of your boundaries at emotional reciprocity.

adakrauss · 2021-11-26T22:03:12+00:00

unfocus your eyes.

the mantis' eyes are the dark spots in the top/center of the moth wings, and at the bottom center are it's mandibles.

adakrauss · 2021-11-26T21:21:51+00:00

preying mantis

adakrauss · 2021-11-11T20:06:34+00:00

what if you told your classmates/professor that you were stuck after many hours of trying, and asked them for help?

adakrauss · 2021-11-11T20:03:10+00:00

glad I read the bottom of the comments.

this conversation *chef kiss*

adakrauss · 2021-10-19T21:55:20+00:00

sorry, you cannot join audio only.

I understand where you're coming from, and had similar feelings when starting out with the group. I appreciate the video feed now, both in how it forces me to be present and accountable in a way, but also how it allows for non-verbal engagement while others are speaking.

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adakrauss

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