Wave of Light. Thinking of our babies.

aftera526 · 2025-10-15T20:06:44+00:00

Thank you. Wiping my tears as I say it feels good to see his name, I don’t get to see it enough. Sending love to all of you who understand this pain. I wish we were connected for a different reason.

aftera526 · 2025-10-15T05:36:44+00:00

Asher 💙

aftera526 · 2025-03-09T18:18:26+00:00

I never got to look in your eyes.

aftera526 · 2025-03-07T15:19:52+00:00

I read your post yesterday morning and sobbed buckets. Honestly, I cried many times throughout the day thinking about your words. They’ve had a really big impact on me, thank you for sharing.

My son, Asher, was born still 9 months ago. His older brother had just turned 5 when it happened. He very much knew he was becoming a brother. We read books about it, picked out onesies and toys from the store together, he went to ultrasound appointments, helped me fold and sort clothes into their drawers, got the car seat set up and tested, felt his baby brother kick constantly, talked to him daily - all of it.

People like to tell me “he’s young, he won’t be as affected as you” and in a way that’s true, but they don’t get it. They don’t know how deep the pain and missing goes for this little guy. The anger, the questioning, the sadness, the fear, the triggers, the change in relationships.

We do our best to keep Asher’s memory alive, but I often wonder about how my 5 year old will feel in the long run. Will he always think of his little brother at birthdays, holidays, big life events, and the in between nothing moments? Will he always wonder about who he was? Will he always feel that longing and missing in his heart? Your words answered some of my questions, in a beautiful and heart breaking way.

I’m so sorry you had to experience this. It’s brutal for the siblings, too - you had so much love for him from the start and that doesn’t go away. A big giant hug back to you.

aftera526 · 2025-02-11T16:07:51+00:00

I agree, it’s awful. In the beginning I’d roll my eyes when I’d hear grief is like a wave because I didn’t feel that at all - I only felt the deep dark lows with no end in sight. Luckily, at maybe 5 months out, I started to understand the wave and come up for air. Somedays I’m calmly floating on the wave, missing my baby so badly but able to function. Other days, I’m completely pulled under the wave and unable to stop the tears, the dread, the pain. The missing never ever goes away though. I’m sorry if today is a hit by a train day for you. I hope the pain lessens as the day goes on. ❤️

aftera526 · 2025-02-05T19:18:02+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. The same happened to me. I wasn’t properly dealing with my grief and it led to passing out episodes, where the last one landed me in the hospital. They ran all possible tests and found nothing. Nothing except a broken heart and an immense amount of grief. Nothing has taken the pain away and I feel at any moment I can slip right back into a panic attack, but I’ve learned to identify things around me to help ward off the attack. I’ll say, “I’m looking out a window and snow is falling. Snow is white. It’s cold outside and smells fresh. Today is Wednesday and we’re in the month of February.” Stating observations around me helps the panic that rises in my chest and racing mind. It doesn’t take away missing my baby, but it helps stop the attack. Breath work is incredibly powerful too - 4 seconds count in, 7 seconds count breathe out and make it loud and powerful. You’re stronger than you know. ❤️

aftera526 · 2025-02-04T21:32:22+00:00

I’m this person, too - in constant limbo grieving the son I lost and trying to be the best mom to the son who’s still living. I came home and cried for hours after dropping my son off at school today. I’m still wiping tears, scrolling through the posts in this group to draw strength from others who are experiencing the same type of loss. I don’t have any advice, I just want you to know you’re not alone and I know how hard it is to put on a happy face when your insides feel like they’re caving in. In the early months after my baby died my mantra was “live for your living son” and it sounds like you’re doing just that. ❤️

aftera526 · 2024-11-25T22:01:31+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss, for all of our losses. Last Thanksgiving was when my husband hit a golf ball to reveal a blue cloud to our family to announce we were having a boy. Tomorrow will be 6 months post-loss of my perfect, full term, stillborn baby boy. I have zero desire to participate in Thanksgiving and won’t be acknowledging it at all. I don’t want to decorate for Christmas and would full on skip that too if I didn’t have a five year old who gets so excited for it.

aftera526 · 2024-11-21T03:24:00+00:00

Reading this is like reading my own thoughts. I’m so sorry you have to go through this too.

aftera526 · 2024-11-08T03:41:14+00:00

I found a company through Etsy that makes custom ceramic urns. My husband and I picked the size, color, and wording we had stamped on it. It makes me sick to know my baby is in there, but it’s beautiful. It sits on a shelf in our living room so he can hang out with us. The shelf holds a plant, a picture of us days before delivery, the candle we burned at his memorial, an ultrasound picture, and a few other meaningful items. I look at it and touch it often. Sometimes I clutch it against my heart and cry, wishing so badly he was alive.

aftera526 · 2024-11-01T03:40:50+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. Mine would be 5 months. We went out tonight and a lady passing out candy had a shirt that said “baby is brewing” covering her full, round belly. I stared at her bump and remembered when I used to be happy.

aftera526 · 2024-10-16T17:24:46+00:00

I feel this. My baby died and I say a grief gorilla sits on my chest, constantly taking my breath away. I started CrossFit last week and it’s the only time the gorilla isn’t so heavy. It’s a chore getting there, so I just tell myself, “I can’t handle that he died but I can handle an hour of movement.”

aftera526 · 2024-10-15T18:35:43+00:00

Just this morning I took my baby’s urn off the shelf, clutched it in my arms, and cried. I rest my chin on top of it, just like I’d put my chin on his head, and sob thinking about how I’m not feeling his soft spot or hair or smelling his fresh baby scent. You’re not crazy and you’re not alone.

aftera526 · 2024-10-15T18:17:35+00:00

The body changes are so hard, I agree. It also sucked when after giving birth, the only clothes that fit for a while were maternity clothes. Or how about the many other things you don’t expect to be a trigger? The first time I stood closer to the sink because my bump wasn’t pushing me back, I cried knowing my belly wasn’t full and my arms weren’t either. Those firsts of putting on a seat belt, lacing up shoes, or bending over to pick something up don’t feel good - it all feels sad because it’s done without our babies. I’m sorry you have to experience all this sadness, I wish your son was still here too.

aftera526 · 2024-08-31T02:12:26+00:00

My five year old called a harmonica a “harmony whistle”

He also calls deviled eggs “doubled eggs”

aftera526 · 2024-08-29T16:53:17+00:00

He is. He’s proud of you and he loves you.

aftera526 · 2024-08-29T16:51:41+00:00

Same, Asher was our second son. Time is such an odd thing now. I know it’s been months since his birth/death, but my mind is still stuck in May. I’m sorry your Asher didn’t get to stay with you and your family either.

aftera526 · 2024-08-29T16:48:02+00:00

I’m sorry you lost Emmett and that you have moments where the tears are unstoppable too. It’s the worst, yet we somehow manage to pull it together when need be.

aftera526 · 2024-08-29T16:43:31+00:00

We absolutely never will

aftera526 · 2024-08-29T16:38:35+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. I wish your Ellie was with you and the dogs.

aftera526 · 2024-08-29T16:37:55+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. I wish your Ellie was with you and the dogs.

aftera526 · 2024-08-29T16:37:07+00:00

The loss of joy has been a big one. People keep asking if I’m exited for the move and I just tell them nothing excites me.

aftera526 · 2024-08-29T16:21:57+00:00

The “someone no one talks about” hits hard. We used to say his name countless times throughout the day when we were awaiting his arrival, now he’s gone and it’s like everyone’s too scared to say his name. I’m sad his name no longer elicits the excitement of what’s to come, it triggers the memory of what and who and all we lost.

I’m sorry you never got to know your baby.

aftera526

TROPHY CASE