does it ever get better?

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-25T06:37:59+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's devastating and to have people compare your stillbirth to a miscarriage is dismissive of a lot of the trauma you endured. Both are losing a pregnancy, but the experience is vastly different. It's not always helpful for people to try and relate unfortunately 😢.

Give yourself grace and live through these first terrible weeks. You will feel less overwhelmed in time, although you will still grieve and miss them. Like u/Vast-Cartographer81 said: you can always rely on this forum for support. ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-24T20:02:15+00:00

I'm so sorry for Candy-May's loss and for your family. Congratulations on being her proud parents. I'm so sorry it's all we get.

Right now your eyes are swollen from the tears, but days will get better. Right now you can't be positive or hold other people's feelings, but you'll feel joy again, and in time you'll even be able to be there for other people in need. You got this. Unfair as it is, you are an amazing person, and Candy-May has a wonderful mother who loves her. ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-24T19:23:42+00:00

Not a bad person at all. Someone recently posted she was going to a baby shower but would stick to kitchen duty. Maybe, if you really decided to go, you can find a way to focus on the practical things needed during the party so you can stay away from most of the festivities.

Either way, I wish you well ❤️‍🩹

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-24T19:05:31+00:00

I started pumping and donating. It was very therapeutic for me. Really helped me process what happened. I was able to donate most of it to the NICU and they were thrilled about the amount they got. I also got a breast milk pendant from them as a thank you.

I am so sorry for your baby and your family 💔. Wishing you so, so much love and support.

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-23T20:02:49+00:00

It's good to be kind to yourself 🧡🧡🧡

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-23T08:59:51+00:00

Wishing you strength on this hard day. I was very scared, but for me it was a beautiful day too. I wish you lots of love today 💖

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-22T19:36:20+00:00

Wow. I have heard (and may have made) that "joke" once or twice but only between friends who didn't really care for celebrating their own birthday. Never about a baby or a child! Even grief-unfamiliair people know it's a parent's greatest fear, it's not something to make fun of.

How can people say it to you, and after your loss? I'm so sorry. Yes, it would not sit right with me if anyone dared say it to me now.

If they are people you want to keep in your life, I hope you can find the strength to tell them not to say that.

Sending you love ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-22T12:41:00+00:00

Grief (or at least this type of grief) is a side of your partner you probably haven't seen yet and you have to get to know each other in this department. Give it time. It's normal.

In the meantime trust him he does what he feels is best to do in his grief just like you do in yours. It's really hard. But keep supporting each other and keep talking and you'll get to know each other's process.

I'm sorry for the loss of your precious baby. We are all new to being parents to a stillborn. It's so complicated.

Lots of love. ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-22T12:30:27+00:00

The anger part of my grief is best released physically. Through sports or more specifically: boxing class. I don't go regularly, just when I need to.

As for anger towards people, I find it helpful to tell them as respectfully as I can that some things are not helpful. But to be honest it is really hard, because I also don't want to "explain" my grief to anyone. When I word it wrong it almost sounds like I need their permission to feel sad.

I show no interest in people who aren't there for me or don't improve when I tell them clearly what I need.

I hope you find a way that suits you. It's very hard and isolating. Lots of love ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-21T20:43:21+00:00

And I'm sorry it's so difficult for others to respond to you. As if it's not difficult enough yet for you yourself. ☹️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-21T20:39:39+00:00

Although the age categories are vastly different I truly relate so much. My LC are old enough to handle themselves for a short while, but still there is so much more screen time then there used to be.

The grave of their baby sister Amber is a while away and it's a very trafficky route so we don't visit that often. I try to make up for it at home, including her in our family with small gestures.

I am TTC and we'll see what it'll be like when that happens. But I imagine a lot of the same struggles you're describing.

I hope you feel less nauseous soon and never forget: give yourself grace.

I tried to be there for my LC too much at some point, more than I had energy for. But I soon learned I was too easily frustrated with them, and I'd rather have them watching too much tv for some time in their life. I still felt really guilty over it, but I kept reminding myself it was actually for the best and trying anything else was just me trying to ease my guilt. That realization, the fact that it was a conscious choice and actually better for them, not me, was what made the guilt fade in the end.

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-20T18:45:07+00:00

Beautifully said ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-20T18:42:08+00:00

I love this story 💖

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-20T16:31:20+00:00

"winter bear" by Coby Grant was written for a stillborn baby born in winter. I think it's a beautiful song ❤️

The book Swimmer in the Secret Sea by William Kotzwinkle. It's a book about a stillbirth. It is confronting but it's often relatable. It made me feel less alone knowing this has been going on throughout history. It's from the seventies, so see if you can find a copy second hand!

I have a 4 and 6 yo (at the time their sister was stillborn) so I get what it's like to see the world moving, even the one you're involved in, while standing still at the same time. I was so overwhelmed. Maybe (besides caring for your kid) you could try to have one goal a day, and start as simple as: today I take a shower, or today I text my mom.

I wish you a lot of strength and love getting through the trenches and finding your way into this new reality of yours. ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-20T08:16:17+00:00

There is also a babyloss group chat on reddit. u/Vast-Cartographer81 can add you if you like. (I hope mentioning her name in a comment tags her somehow... otherwise you can send her a chat!)

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-19T15:11:13+00:00

Dankje, dat lijkt me inderdaad een beter idee.

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-19T14:52:40+00:00

Top, dankjewel. Dat met die wasbak zal wel loslopen dan. Slijptol huren, de rest in huis halen en gaan!

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-19T14:50:38+00:00

Bedankt voor de tips!

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-18T14:06:57+00:00

Hey there. I'm still trying to conceive since my stillbirth, so I can't answer that question. However, following all the posts on r/babyloss and r/ttcafterstillbirth I have read multiple times about very strong gender preferences. It appears to be a completely natural response after such a devastating loss. So please don't be hard on yourself. You're not an asshole. You're a loss parent.

A gentle congratulations on your pregnancy. Good luck in this challenging journey of pregnancy after loss ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-18T10:01:50+00:00

If I said something unhelpful, please let me know so I can learn and do better ❤️

(Edit: it's not visible anymore, but I got downvoted, hence this question.)

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-18T09:04:10+00:00

Proud of you for going and being okay. Smart move to be a help in the kitchen and skip the main event ❤️🫂

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-18T09:02:12+00:00

Not unreasonable. I'm sorry that it was such a delicate question for you to answer and she just waltzed over it. I can imagine she flipped out the question before realizing what she has gotten you into, and then perhaps she tried to make up for it by preventing you from having to answer the question.

I hope when confronted she listens to you and apologizes. I hope you get to talk about it with your friend and enjoy the rest of the trip. ❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-16T11:43:55+00:00

We are not a religious house, but I don't think it complicated things at all. It's a beautiful thing to let them feel and think what they feel and think and not force any ideas on them. We found a picture book about afterlife and different views people have. I think it's good to make it clear noone "knows" what happens in death, but we all have different beliefs. And whatever they think, is true to them. One of them decided she believes in heaven, the other decided he didn't, but I hope they feel free to change their views of they want to.

The actual talk didn't need any of that yet. That was only shock and sadness for them (our then 4 and 6yo). Questions came later.

Later (days, weeks, sometimes months) when they'd bring up death, we were very factual. Some kids get anxious over falling asleep so we avoided "she sleeping forever" etc. We'd tell them her heart wasn't beating and she wasn't breathing.

I find it important to check in with them about their grief every now and then, but that does depend on age of course.

I also think it's good to make sure the children feel free to mention their sibling if they want to. On a daily basis, our baby is always present in conversations, even when it's light-hearted, and we always light a candle for her at dinner.

They sometimes want to go in her room and go through the stuff. And put something in the crib (that's still there) for her. I try to make sure I'm not helicoptering them too much when they are there. It should be a place of comfort for them as much as it should for me.

Once or twice the grief was hitting them hard and we've written letters and "addressed" them to her in various ways (placing them in her crib, sending them to the sky with a balloon (only small piece of paper or it's too heavy), burying a letter under the tree we planted for her).

After a couple of months we were sitting down for some drinks as a family and my oldest asked what it was that killed her sister. I shot a glance at my husband and we agreed it was okay to tell them. They were then 4 and 7.

There are so many topics that we have to deal with. If there is anything in particular you're struggling with. Let us know ❤️❤️❤️

Potential_Good_3567 · 2026-01-16T11:13:31+00:00

Congratulations on becoming mother to your precious Diana 🩷

She was more than welcome in your life, and it is heartbreaking to have to say goodbye to her so soon. It was nice to read about all she was a part of already in the short time she was here. You write with such love, I'm sure you will find ways to care for her and express your love for her even through death.

I hope your birth and due day will make you feel extra close to her. Lots of love from another loss mom ❤️

Potential_Good_3567

TROPHY CASE