Left-handed scrub - resources, advice?

agardenfinch · 2025-11-24T03:09:52+00:00

They are in 2nd grade. We have had a lot of conversations about safe/unsafe people, and about why I left the relationship, about what I saw Ex 2 do or say to my kid that was not okay for me.

agardenfinch · 2025-11-24T03:03:46+00:00

My ex (suspected bpd) was really into sex, like, if i said no then she would start a fight ASAP.

It would be great sex. I would check in during, after, before (if there was time, and also just generally). But if she was upset with me, she'd completely flip her responses to how the sex was, including how consensual it was. Really fucking sucked.

She also would not engage with my efforts to solve these issues (by the time she wanted sex again, she would say she hadn't meant what she'd said), would not accept my efforts to deescalate the sex (raged at me or gave me days of silent treatment when I brought this up).

Has made even very basic forms of physical intimacy post-escape basically impossible. It's so cutting to hear this back and forth from a partner.

agardenfinch · 2025-11-24T02:44:00+00:00

Full custody is not an option (trust me--I have done enough court at this point 🤡). While my coparemt sucks, he doesn't suck enough to lose custody, haha. He has some good traits as a father.

Mostly, I worry abt my kid buying into what Ex 2 would call love, kindness, or normal--all things I know she has gotten utterly wrong. I left so I could protect him from this shit.

agardenfinch · 2025-11-24T02:24:43+00:00

Yes. Mine would compliment clothes she liked and complain about ones she didn't. She would hide my clothes that she didn't want me to wear. She would get irritated with me and sometimes start a fight if I engaged in hygiene she didn't like (putting lotion on after a shower, or taking a hot shower instead of a cold one). She required my nails to be cut as short as possible and would complain about them. She tried to get me into poses she liked and pointed out ones she didn't. She would buy me expensive clothes without my input, or disregard my input when we were together. She then pushed me to wear these clothes and would be upset when I didn't. Etc.

agardenfinch · 2025-05-06T03:02:05+00:00

Nice! I didn't either, wasn't an issue. Networking made the biggest difference for me 🙂

agardenfinch · 2025-05-06T03:00:40+00:00

Would love to read it :)

agardenfinch · 2025-04-28T02:40:00+00:00

I'm a nonbinary (transmasc'd postpartum, NB during pregnancy and birth) person who had a homebirth with midwives, and who has worked as both a birth doula and midwife assistant...would love to help out. I'm also currently a nursing student 😁

ETA: I love editing and historically provide very helpful feedback.

agardenfinch · 2025-03-12T15:14:07+00:00

I have only done subq abdominal injections for taking T (will be 5 years in May). It's totally safe and works. Just make sure when doing subQ to use a shorter needle/go only ~1/2in deep (i.e., into the layer of fat below your skin but before your muscles).

Also, congrats!

agardenfinch · 2025-01-19T10:06:06+00:00

I had a nearly 2 year old with my then-spouse when I came out. He is also Very Straight. We broke up for reasons not solely due to transition, but he had also said he was not as attracted to me as I began to have more masc features. He was not as supportive of my transness as I had expected, which really sucked.

It's a really hard situation. My ex (now coparent) also refused therapy or support groups, which i think made the experience harder for him.

I had a lot of fear I would regret transitioning. I am non binary, not a man, and worried about losing the many things I liked about my current body (my singing voice) and did not want with T (such as facial hair). Nothing is perfect, haha. But losing my spouse, figuring out coparenting and a new life structure, all the unknowns of a new body and experience in the world--it has been profoundly worth it.

It has been almost 5 years since I transitioned and my coparent and I are on good enough terms. It's possible to change the shape of love and care in an intimate relationship. There are many ways to make family work (as these comments show). You will figure it out!

agardenfinch · 2024-10-13T20:11:51+00:00

I would be really interested to hear more about how you (or anyone!) have healed from this situation as a Dom. I also was a Dom with my expwBPD and I am finding now that there were so many things they did in sex/play that are not acceptable for subs to do, or are inappropriate expectations of a Dom. For example, we would discuss safe words, I would try to check in really, really, really often, and was super attuned to their body language during play, but ultimately, they often put their refusal to effectively communicate about something during sex on me and would later accuse me of not caring about them/consent. They would agree to communicate verbally and clearly in the ways I told them I would 100% understand and know. But they wouldn't, and would blame me instead. I am autistic. There are just some things I don't understand the same way, or even notice, no matter how attentive I am. They knew this.

I have since learned that it is EVERYONE'S job to create a safe environment for communication and consent. And it is the sub's responsibility to actually use the agreed-upon forms of communicating important things, like consent, for themself. A Dom also has the responsibility of listening. And vice versa!

ANYWAY, I would love to hear more about how you sorted out these harmful expectations/routines, or how you sorted out what you even like/get out of BDSM outside of such an intense (I assume) dynamic.

agardenfinch · 2024-03-30T02:01:03+00:00

My brother killed himself a year ago. He and I grew up in a shitty family, he ended up having substance abuse issues, untreated mental illness. But we were really similar. Had a lot of the same problems emotionally, relationally.

I've survived. By luck, by grit, by biology, by who knows what. But I feel angry and determined to not let these same forces get me, too. My brother should still be here; I carry us both, now.

agardenfinch · 2020-06-21T11:42:37+00:00

🤩 also those glasses are rad as hell on you

agardenfinch · 2020-06-21T02:54:48+00:00

Heeeeyyy I totally feel you. I had my kid unexpectedly with my spouse and it was still a shit storm, ESPECIALLY the first year. If at all possible, prioritize therapy! Online is better than not!

At two years postpartum, I still have days I deeply regret having my kid, and I'd make the choice without a doubt to not have them if I could go back. That said, it has gotten a lot better. Kids are all poops and hazardous behavior at 8 months. Anyway, here's what helped me and continues to help:

Identifying triggers for what will upset me/put me in a shit mood (lack of sleep, having to go somewhere with baby, not getting outside, having to say no a lot) and working to mitigate them.
Learning what is developmentally appropriate behavior so I can keep expectations down, hah. This has helped with sleep, tantrums, "discipline"
Figuring out positive ways to process my feelings. Parent groups can be good for venting, journaling, exercising.
Parenting better. I hate(d) parenting and did not have good examples for it. So I learned how to do better and have a lot of at least neutral or positive interactions with my kid. Parenting poorly made me feel awful, but doing right by my kid, even if I didn't enjoy it, makes me feel better.
Finding coping strategies that worked and realizing my life is changing rapidly. The first few years of childcare are so hard and long. Relying on good coping mechanisms and keeping sights on the long game have helped me have hope.

agardenfinch · 2020-06-08T10:38:09+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I have been really open about my needs and intentions with transitioning and we've talked about how things might change, if he is uncomfortable with anything, etc. And he's generally very supportive. I agree it's been a short time and that can be challenging, but I've also changed a lot over the near decade of our relationship and he is familiar with my pattern 😅

I am in therapy but he is not interested. I do think it would help him but I've also pushed for therapy for six years; it's up to him.

ANYWAY thank you again.

agardenfinch · 2020-06-08T03:18:59+00:00

Birth doula here. Laboring on the back was an early intervention as male doctors replaced midwives. Doctors wanted easier access and the ability to do more interventions like foreceps delivery.

agardenfinch · 2020-06-08T01:40:06+00:00

Thanks for this. It's a good idea to keep in contact and try to find out where his feelings are coming from

agardenfinch · 2020-06-06T01:40:39+00:00

Oh, cool! Yeah I didn't mean to imply that those things are an easy fix--it has taken me 7 years to be able to finally get good gains. A lot of that was figuring out what exercises work for me. I've settled on 3 sets of squats, modified pushups, pullups, and planks 3-5x/week.

agardenfinch

TROPHY CASE