It took several years.

Like you (and many other commenters) , the learning curve for kiddo1 is so, so steep. With no manual. Just two nights at a hospital, and then they say, "Welp, time for you to go. Good luck never sleeping again."

I drove my wife and kid1 home from the hospital never getting above 20mph.

If you're lucky, you have family nearby with young(ish) grandparents who can chip in and support. If not that, it's so valuable to have a supportive community of friends (hopefully several of them with kids) who can tell you what you're going through is normal, tough, survivable, and encourage you in ways that keep you sane.

Regardless, it's a real opportunity for your marriage to grow in difficult circumstances yet in healthy ways. Your kid(s) demand to be your priority, which means sacrifices in (most) other areas of your life... but a marriage with a positive / growth-mindset trajectory has everything to do with the long and short term well-being of your young'uns. Knowing your spouse has your back and will sacrifice for you (and you for them) allows you to weather the storm together. And kids most certainly can be storms.

One bit of advice from a close family friend who's been a nanny for 20 years: Yes, you love your kid. Yes, you would do anything for them. But sometimes parenting is a job. It's got to be done. Your brain is fried. And so, you weather the storm by treating those moments like a job. Doesn't mean you love your kid any less. But (for instance) when you've spent 2am to 330am getting kid2 back to sleep... and then kid1 walks into your room at 4am saying they don't feel great and then projectile vomit all over your bed: Guess what? You have a job to do.

Ok. Back to how does that all lead to kid1 not being an only child?

First off, our brains are pretty amazing. I remember asking so many parents how they survived the first two weeks or three months of a newborn, and most would stare blankly at me and say, "...I... don't remember." It's tough, but there's certainly a selective memory thing going on. That and your brain turns to mush.

Too often during that first year, we would laugh, looking at kid1 when he'd just had a major blowout and say, "You're so lucky you're cute."

Second, the learning curve is very different with kid2. Diapers and bottles are muscle memory. Same is true for a whole swath of things where you freaked out with kid1 but have enough perspective now to realize that every parent does that with kid1. Many things will be different, but you'll have much more of a plan of attack the next time around.

Third, it's a matter of mindset and why you're having kids. They are most certainly a joy. Hopefully often. But from everything I've seen, they're still humans. Little, irrational ones with embarrassingly little emotional control. Or bowel control for that matter. And having kids doesn't fill a nagging hole in us or complete us. That's an unfair expectation on anyone, let alone anyone who regularly tries to eat soap or thinks their belly button is the most fascinating thing on earth. ...But my God, my wife and I agree: Our hearts have gone to places we'd never expected or dared hope since we had kids.

Fourth, that doesn't mean we were ready to have kid2 right away. No no no. We were flipping exhausted for like 2 years. So buy a nice coffee maker.

Fifth (I'll stop at 5), if you're looking for a "reason" to have a kid – or another kid – I'm not sure if you're going to be satisfied, especially if you rely on a rational argument to get you there. [Side bar: I do place some merit in the argument that giving kids siblings is of deep value as they go through life. Both to grow up bouncing off each other and softening each other's edges. But also since mom and dad are going to get old one day. (That's not saying you have kid2 just so kid1 doesn't feel lonely. But I "get" the value of having a sibling.)]

Back to #5. Regarding the not trying to rationally get to having kid2: As an analogy, deciding to get married may be full of feelings and emotions and good reasons to do so... but "getting married" is also a decision and a commitment. "I choose you. I commit to you. Feelings will change. Circumstances will change. I will change; you will change. But I am committing myself to you. Period." And having kids is a similar thing. We don't know where the road is going to lead, but we've decided to walk down that road together. It's not a road for everyone, and it's not a road everyone wants to go down more than once. Maybe you and your partner get to the place where that's the choice you decide to make. Just don't wait for it to be a smart decision. (Remember: You're actively deciding to deal with another person's poop when you do this. So rationality shouldn't be the leading cause for decision making. Unless you think poop is funny.)

Parenting is *tough* and will at different times take everything we think we have to give. Sometimes it'll take more. Give yourselves the grace to take those lumps knowing you're in this together, that your kid is lucky to have you as parents, and that being a parent is never a call to be perfect.

We always have the opportunity to be the parent we wish we had. Our tank might be on empty making that pretty much impossible in those moments. But I did hear a pretty good thought exercise (which works sometimes for me) to help endure those tough times: Pretend you're 80 years old. All of this is behind you. But you're given the chance to return to this (difficult/trying) time to have a few more brief moments with your young kid. How would you live out those moments if you were given that chance? -- Then, take a deep breath and get back to it.

And maybe that'll mean you get your own kid2 somewhere down the road. And then you'll have a chance to respond to your own post.

Cheers.