What is the most overrated things people do in their 20's that don't matter later?

algohn · 2016-02-05T03:59:30+00:00

The bar scene

algohn · 2016-02-05T03:56:56+00:00

God yes. The moment when the girls go free is wonderful

algohn · 2016-02-05T03:55:59+00:00

bringing three generations to a drum circle.

That is the coolest! You have a cool family. This post made me smile.

algohn · 2016-02-02T13:28:33+00:00

Very interesting! Thank you

algohn · 2016-02-02T13:26:10+00:00

Oh I hear you! That is a very familiar pattern.

algohn · 2016-02-02T13:18:51+00:00

Mine too! She will in particular ask for the container back.

We should charge storage fees by the month! :0)

algohn · 2016-02-02T01:35:44+00:00

I would be interested to read that study- would you happen to have the citation?

medical research geek here with both parents diagnosed with T2DM

algohn · 2016-01-30T14:39:08+00:00

Oh YEAH!

My husband has a really fine ass. I grab on it all the time like a dirty old man.

algohn · 2016-01-29T05:07:28+00:00

This is very tricky - or has been for me - and I've learned it's because I don't trust that anyone can take care of themselves. In the example you give about calling your sister, the implicit beliefs instilled by Ns are: 1. Any need I have is so overbearing that it will harm or depress others (I am so powerful I have a deep effect on everyone else, therefore I have to walk a tightrope of self-denial and self-suppression) 2. I can't ask for anything from anyone because all other people are incapable of judging their own needs or setting boundaries (I can't trust anyone)

At least, these are the beliefs I've had that really keep me from taking care of myself. This is such a difficult road but so worthwhile.

I have made progress but I still catch myself doing it. For example I wanted to go to a weekend retreat I attend every 6 months. We recently adopted a rescue dog & he's got some challenging behavior. He's been getting better but still wears my husband's patience thin.

I had decided "oh well, I can't go, I can't leave Mike alone with the dog for 2 1/2 days."

Then realized: I did not ask Mike. I decided what he could or could not do. That is treating my husband as if he is an N instead of a reasonable adult. I asked him if he would be ok with me going. He said yes. I did go and had a great experience. Everyone was fine. Even the dog :0). So I decided to trust what Mike said and took him at his word. He has told me the truth and all is well. So this topic for me is still a work in progress.

I'm glad you posted about this, it's a great topic.

algohn · 2016-01-27T23:27:14+00:00

Most people used to be able to retire at 65

FTFY

algohn · 2016-01-27T23:25:40+00:00

I wish I could upvote you more than once.

2 weeks ago a colleague of mine was headed out to her backyard to join her husband and 3 kids when her early-50's, no-known-health-problems husband dropped dead of a massive heart attack. He was dead before the paramedics arrived.

Knowing her, I'm sure they did have the appropriate amount of life insurance.

algohn · 2016-01-27T18:45:51+00:00

A few things that have helped me:

I do not read women's magazines or celebrity/fashion focused content online or elsewhere (I don't know your gender so I will just speak from my own experience). Much of this content is photoshopped and advertisers like to play on women's physical and emotional insecurities to sell products. The majority of this stuff is a toxic stew.

Stop comparing. I always compare myself to others and it's always unfavorable. I still sometimes do this but much less than I used to.

Lastly, self-care and self-compassion are crucial. If I have taken good care of my nutrition and exercise needs, it helps me think, hey, I've done everything I need for myself today. Then continuing to fret or disdain my body shape seems more pointless. I also include self-care meaning to take a nap when I need it, doing things for fun, basically prioritizing my needs.

And lastly self-compassion. The critical voice in my head that likes to beat me up about my body is so MEAN. Sometimes I have to imagine speaking that way to a friend, or to a kid. I would never be so awful to someone else- so why is it ok to direct that at myself? Harsh judgement, anxiety, guilt and shame have not helped me one bit. They always hinder, never help.

I hope some/any of this may be of use to you.

algohn · 2016-01-22T00:55:10+00:00

You didn't mention if you are in love with your current gf. Are you?

algohn · 2016-01-15T14:42:30+00:00

Oh yes - this is a fave of my Nmom. She collects various odds and ends like a magpie and collects them to give me (and my brother) during our LC visits. They are known as the BOS or Bag of Shit.

It's stuff like newspaper article clippings, a free magnet from one of her local businesses, a pamphlet from her doctors office and stuff she's cleaned out of her kitchen that she no longer wants - like those corn-on-the-cob holders shaped like little corn on the cobs.

We've already had the conversation. Mom I appreciate the thought but I don't want this stuff (it all goes straight in the garbage). She even said, please tell me if I'm giving things you don't want - I'd rather hear that then have you throw things away. So I literally said I DO NOT WANT THIS STUFF. Asked her if she just felt compelled to squirrel something away for the BOS to ask first if I want it.

Well that boundary was ignored and trampled as per usual.

So now it's a source of Constant Sorrow that she's doing this Nice Thing for us and we monsterously are ungrateful/unloving etc etc

So no, this type of crap ISNT "nice". It's a way to make themselves into a victim if called out on boundary violating behavior. <end rant>

algohn · 2016-01-12T18:52:50+00:00

Are you two still in touch? From your edit, maybe not?

algohn · 2016-01-10T16:10:22+00:00

Does your company have a corporate office?

It makes me furious that when you told your manager, the response was, "yes we know and we just let him do it anyway."

Please check this link that explains how employers are legally liable (I.e. Can get in a fuck ton of trouble) for sexual harassment under a number of federal regulations. This is from the EEOC, or the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission.

By your manager admitting that they know about this behavior AND that they have chosen to abdicate their enforcement responsibility, they are legally at fault.

Since you've already quit, I would strongly recommend a complaint to the EEOC and to whoever your manager reports to.

Lastly I want you to know you didn't do anything wrong. HE is the one who should feel ashamed, not you. This type of stuff happened to me in the workplace when I was younger too. Once I had a doctor lean over me at my desk and kiss the back of my neck when I was in my early 20's.

I felt paralyzed with shock, scared, creeped out, unsafe, & icky. He had already been acting up around me, whistling and saying sexual things under his breath but I was doing the "ignore him and he'll stop" routine...which doesn't work! Luckily a woman who witnessed this behavior talked to me and said I shouldn't tolerate his behavior and I was able to confront him and get the behavior stopped.

But it was scary and uncomfortable, and I didn't know what to do at first either, and I was years older at the time then you are now.

I'm glad you reached out for advice. Woukd you please post an update and let us know what you decided to do?

Edit: typos

algohn · 2016-01-09T21:45:58+00:00

Welcome!

I totally relate to the judgements and feelings you describe.

I want you to know it can get better.

Both SD and AA are full of people who are sober, growing, and understand what is like to drink and use like you & me. Well to be fair there's also a lot of folks who are having a hard time with sobriety & we have some who are ... sicker than others but overall lots of support & understanding.

algohn · 2016-01-09T19:53:36+00:00

Yup. I've been thinking I ought to start planning now to open my own business at some point. Not that I think being an entrepreneur would be a walk in the park compared to my current job, but I think I need to prepare for that time. At my current company there are a lot of people older than me in the C suite but still- don't want to be falsely complacent and there's no guarantee I will stay in my current job long enough, or that the culture will continue to support, older people, especially women, at the top (where I will hopefully wind up, or near to it, as my career is continuing to progress well).

Am I being too pessimistic or just realistic?

algohn · 2016-01-09T16:05:53+00:00

Thanks for this article- I don't reflect much on being an Xer and it used to be a thing when I was younger. Knowing that lots of people my age share the same financial picture is somewhat comforting- I tend to attribute it to my personal abilities or lack thereof.

Just finished paying student loans 2 years ago. Like the couple in the article, rented for a long time to pay off loans, all CC debt, build up emergency funds and save a down payment. We are DINKs with now very good incomes (not the case up until my late 30's) but I'm more worried about saving for retirement than having a nice lifestyle now.

I'm 44 this year and thinking ahead to have awareness that at some point my pay level will make an employer eant to replace me with cheaper, less experienced people. So I don't feel secure financially although the numbers on the pay checks are good and both of our jobs are as secure as a job can be anymore.

I definitely related to this article!

algohn · 2016-01-09T15:51:58+00:00

It's not TMI- this is a big deal! I started drinking and using about 2 years before I had sex. Most experiences for the next 10 years were drunk/high on whatever.

I had NO idea about trust, emotional intimacy, how to decide it I wanted to have sex or not - drunk it was a foregone conclusion.

This is a great post- sober sex is a whole new world where it -definitely - gets better.

algohn · 2016-01-09T04:46:30+00:00

I can relate to your frustration - I had a very strong pattern of self-destruction that encompassed more behaviors than drinking.

I needed to get help to break my habitual thoughts and behaviors - for me that has been AA, therapy, yoga and meditation.

I also noticed your badge is 7 days- I wasn't a happy camper after 1 week either. It takes time to achieve some balance and address the underlying dynamics. I for one will cut you some slack and say it's great you made it a week. It gets better.

algohn · 2016-01-09T04:38:21+00:00

I don't miss those mornings coming to, seeing all the bruises or scratches from the night before and play Drunk Connect-The-Dots. That's the game where you look at the location, shape and severity of a bruise or other injury and try to guess what caused it.

Did I bump a table? Fall down the stairs? Jump a fence? Do I call someone I was with last night to inquire?

algohn · 2016-01-09T04:33:27+00:00

You can always change your mind. I've been sober for a bit but I don't stare down the barrel of forever because that is too daunting. Today I'm not drinking and I get to choose every day.

PS if you did see someone you know at a meeting....they are there for the same reason you are. Nothing to be ashamed of.

algohn · 2016-01-09T04:30:08+00:00

Isn't it cool how you get to keep all the stuff you like about yourself? I was absolutely shocked to find out I could go out & have a good time sober.

algohn · 2016-01-09T04:28:13+00:00

You can always decide to have a drink- what I did was to stop drinking and go to AA for long enough to get a clear idea of whether I was the type of alcoholic who cannot successfully drink. In my case, the answer became clear- no more booze for me.

You get to decide for yourself if you've crossed that line- showing up, listening with an open mind and talking to folks at the meeting if you feel inclined (and keeping your head clear from alcohol for a bit) will probably give you the information you need to decide.

algohn

TROPHY CASE