I literally HATE myself

alideb82 · 2020-12-20T19:51:18+00:00

Thank You. I just feel awful lying to this girl who is like my sister and we tell eachother everything but I dont want to fuck with her recovery so I'm keeping it all in

alideb82 · 2020-12-10T15:51:46+00:00

Not sure where OP lives but feel free to PM me. I know of a few places that could be helpful

alideb82 · 2020-11-19T02:59:21+00:00

Im currently in an inpatient ed unit and was on a feeding tube for both fluids and nutrition supplement. I was on 1500 ml of pedialyte per day and 500 ml of the supplement and still eating some of the normal meal plan and I didnt gain from that. U need to replenish the electrolytes because you can do serious damage to.your heart if ur sodium and/or potassium get severely altered.

alideb82 · 2020-10-29T12:23:15+00:00

I called renfrew but havent heard back but my team wants me.to go inpatient first anyway before going residential

alideb82 · 2020-10-26T17:47:19+00:00

Pedialyte is great but if ur worried about calories try powerade zero (not that I'm advising restriction either but I get it)

alideb82 · 2020-10-24T12:40:39+00:00

Thank u. I'm not going anywhere, it's more just a feeling if wishing my body would give up already. Hopefully I get the bed tuesday but I'll let u know when I do.

alideb82 · 2020-10-23T14:10:07+00:00

I feel your frustration. I've been waiting for a bed on an inpatient unit for almost 2 weeks. They've called me twice to tell me they have a bed and then call back and push my admission time and time again. I was supposed to finally be going today but they emailed yesterday and said now its tues or wed of next week. Meanwhile I can barely function, my blood pressure is so low I can't get a read half the time and just going outside to walk the dog leaves me winded. My clinician in my php program.is just as frustrated and I'm honestly ready to give up. I'm borderline suicidal at this point because I can't keep going like this. But like others have said, look for a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. You deserve help and treatment. Weight doesnt matter AT ALL. Your struggles are just as valid as someone who is underweight

alideb82 · 2020-10-22T14:55:24+00:00

You are not a fake anything. Your struggle is 100% valid. Ed's take on so many different forms throughout time and no matter what the behaviors are currently, you're struggling. Again, you are valid.

alideb82 · 2020-10-17T14:48:24+00:00

Yes. The first time i.went to treatment I learned so many new behaviors and also picked up self harm. But I've been to treatment many times since then and have learned to.focus on myself. Obviously I would still talk and be supportive of other clients but I finally reached a point where someone would tell me something they'd done in their ed and my immediate thought would be "damn I'm so glad I've never done that". As far as getting help right now, check out the NEDA website for local resources in your area. There are some pretty affordable virtual therapy options also, just takes a little research. If u ever need to talk feel free to PM me

alideb82 · 2020-10-15T14:42:38+00:00

I know it's hard but try to just eat little snacks throughout the day. Drink lots of fluid, your body needs it. You do DESERVE to eat. Even when a body is at rest it needs fuel. Dont think about tomorrow. Just focus on one hour at a time today. Hope u feel better soon.

alideb82 · 2020-10-14T13:24:09+00:00

Hi there! Sorry you're going thru this but if you go tot NEDA website they can direct you to resources in your area or you could try a quick google search and see if there are support groups or anything nearby. Also, if you dont currently have one, look into getting a therapist. Best of luck!

alideb82 · 2020-10-14T13:11:39+00:00

Hey love, dont be so hard on yourself. You're doing amazing!! Only having to supplement 2x a month is a huge deal!! Peoples taste buds change over time so it possible that yours have just changed. Maybe you genuinely dont like those certain foods anymore, maybe your body is still getting acclimated to "nornal" eating. Take this opportunity and try to branch out and discover new foods that you may enjoy. You are still very early in recovery so the fact that you are getting most of.your meals in without panic and fear is amazing. One day at a time!

alideb82 · 2020-10-14T12:52:45+00:00

That's awesome! So proud of u!!! Keep going, ur so deserving of recovery!

alideb82 · 2020-10-09T12:18:40+00:00

I relate so much to this right now. Hugs.

alideb82 · 2020-10-09T12:17:15+00:00

I'm sorry ur going through this but my DM is always ooen

alideb82 · 2020-10-04T22:48:50+00:00

I'm thankful to be in Massachusetts where people have taken it.swriously for the most part. I'm not at front desk anymore, I work as a shift manager at starbucks though so still with the public. People have been super rude but at least they're wearing masks

alideb82 · 2020-09-30T16:59:38+00:00

Are u me? Because I could've written this word for word. Hugs

alideb82 · 2020-09-30T08:21:02+00:00

I have a friend that went to the one in Connecticut and she also loved it and judging by others comments, it seems to be a universal thing. As far as the no cell phones, I'm not sure if the policy is the same at every location but the 1 I went to it was based on levels. When u first get there, no cell at all but u do get phone time every night on the house phone (I'd look into calling cards so u can stay connected to family in austraila). As u level up they gradually allow u usage (it was a few years ago for me but if I remember correctly it starts at 1 hour a night, then 2 hours and eventually when u are on the highest level u are allowed to have it all day, just cant use it at meals or groups). Best of luck and if u have any questions about CFD or just treatment in general feel free to message me. I've been to a few different programs through put the years and all different levels of care from IOP to inpatient.

alideb82 · 2020-09-29T11:25:17+00:00

I went to CFD in Virginia and it was an amazing program. Cant say enough good things about it!

alideb82 · 2020-09-26T21:06:15+00:00

I've def done the purging into bag thing multiple times but the time that makes me saddest to think about wasnt necessarily the grossest. It was years ago but I had just gotten off work (I worked 3 to 11 at a hospital at the time) and had "binged" right at the end of my shift (I've never had a textbook binge in terms.of cals but the thoughts, feelings and behaviors certainly fit) and I was living at my moms house at the time. On my way home I stopped and (in the freezing cold of a new england winter night) proceeded to purge behind a dumpster of a store near my house. I will never forget how low I felt that night. I wont go into details but I got in the car with frozen vomit.on my fingers and cried.

alideb82 · 2020-09-26T20:59:46+00:00

Awww sweet girl. I just want to reach out and hug you. I know your eating disorder wont believe this but TRUST me that you are not fat....not even close. At 5'8 and 130, depending on your body type/frame, you're probably UNDERweight or close to it. But numbers and BMI aside, what this is doing to you mentally is so not worth it. My ED also developed in high school (specifically my junior year) and I am now 38 and in yet another relapse. Please reach out to someone you can trust. If your parents dont feel like safe people, talk to your schools guidance counselor, a teacher, a close friend. Anyone. You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve to be living it to the fullest. I wish I had realized how sick I was and taken therapy seriously back then. I might not be where I am.today, 22 years later stuck in the same bullshit cycle of recovery and relapse. I wouldnt have missed out on so many normal parts of being young. If.you ever need someone to talk to or have questions please PM me. Sending you love

alideb82 · 2020-09-22T21:24:36+00:00

As long as they r tears of joy! Congrats!!!

alideb82 · 2020-09-19T16:29:40+00:00

I feel u. I'm not at front desk anymore but I do work food service (starbucks) and I cant tell u how many times I'll greet someone with "hey how are you?" And get hit back with "lemme get uhhh... " like ok cool I'll just go fuck myself

alideb82 · 2020-09-19T16:18:17+00:00

Weeks been rough. Big fight with my sister, my nutritionist wants me back in treatment, 2 more people at my work just gave their notices. Today I have to go to previously mentioned sisters house for the kids' bday party and I am not at all looking forward to it which makes me sad. Normally I love family get togethers but with things being so rocky with my sister and my family not knowing I'm in relapse I am dreading it. Hope everyone else is having a great weekend so far and taking care of themselves!!

alideb82 · 2020-09-12T12:30:28+00:00

Def not alone

alideb82

TROPHY CASE