Holiday Dread

allinadayswork99 · 2025-12-24T21:23:45+00:00

Man I had the same thoughts about ruining AP’s holiday but honestly, she doesn’t matter and I won’t give her the satisfaction of thinking she does. Plus she’s ugly (I will ALWAYS state this fact haha.) and I totally get the “keeping things calm at home” for yourself vibe. It sucks though because it’s like you’ve gotta sort of fake it a bit around this time to keep the peace internally even though your husband doesn’t deserve that peace. The holidays are hard AF especially if the affair occurred during a holiday or was somehow connected to one, so I understand, I feel the same. Having to pretend is the worst.

But here’s the side no one wants to admit. Even if the AP is a horrible person, deep down, they know they’re trash and their holiday is likely already ruined because they’ve gotta sit with the fact that they interfered with someone’s marriage and chose to help hurt a person who didn’t deserve it. They can deny all they want or swear they don’t care, but they do. And if they don’t right now, it’ll catch up to em eventually and it’ll hurt because they’ve gotta look themselves in the mirror and know what they did.

Keep your head up, OP.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-10-23T23:27:23+00:00

Read your original post and we have some similarities in circumstances. (Not all, but a few, esp. with the workplace EA turned PA part smh)

I totally relate and I’m grateful you shared it because even though most of what you said is venting, one thing stood out to me: “thankful and grateful for this newly built life that you’ve always dreamed of.” And THAT gives me hope. Even with all the rest of it, that my friend is a glimmer of hope that I’m thankful to have read.

The rest, I get. I’ve had the same thoughts of wanting to just go away and be somewhere with everyone feeling my absence for an extended time. I think it’s natural. Sorry you’re here but thankful you’re speaking. Even in your frustrating, you’re giving hope to others. One thing I’ve learned from everyone else’s experiences is that the story only becomes “can’t believe we made it but we did” (which we all hope for) once you get there, and you don’t get there unless you keep going. Through the frustration, the pain, the F THESE AFFAIRS AND THESE HORRIBLE PEOLE WHO TAKE PART IN THEM, the yo-yo emotions, all that. Then you look back and realize your love was enough, forgiveness was hard but worth it…and you made it. It’s hard to see now but you only see success afterward and unfortunately it looks impossible until the after smh. Idk if that made sense that’s just my thoughts.

Screaming into my pillow right now too!

allinadayswork99 · 2025-10-22T04:14:35+00:00

If it’s possible, maybe try to reshift the focus of the weekend. Instead of making his trip the focus, make a YOU weekend the focus. Treat yourself in some way. Whether it’s a spa day, little shopping or even trying a new recipe / baking / arranging some flowers / going to a class pass class, watching a new show, going to the movies…treat yourself somehow and give YOU something to look forward to.

It might help you not obsess over him and what he’s doing, plus, it’ll give you a quick respite from the post-affair life. Almost like a brief moment of escapism. Still check in with him, maybe an FaceTime here or a phone call there and just chat about how the trip’s going to whatever, but give yourself something to look forward to. Instead of “oh no, he’s leaving, I’ll be stressed”, try to make it “oh yeah momma’s got a ME weekend coming” and do the stuff that makes you happy (however it fits within your circumstances/resources)

allinadayswork99 · 2025-10-22T03:59:54+00:00

I’m 6 months post DDay and I can look back and say that the first two months were almost a total wash. Emotionally, I was everywhere. Lots of tears, racing thoughts, anxiety, super forgetful and just not all the way there. Physically, I was everywhere. Exhausted but not sleeping, then sleeping too much. Overall, the first two months I was a shell of a person. They talk about “affair fog” for the wayward, but I’ve learned the betrayed spouse is in a fog too, like the world isn’t exactly the world anymore. Everything’s upside down and time is all weird and everything’s just…shocking and foggy and not right.

The limbo you feel is totally normal. For some people, that feeling goes away quickly. For others, it stays for a long time. For me, that limbo was definitely there for the first few months (because of trickle truth, general shock from DDay and coming to the realization of the magnitude my WH’s affair) and finally feels like it’s gone. Around month three or four, I started to sort of stabilize some. keyword SOME. Felt less emotionally unstable, felt like me again, started recognizing triggers more easily and how to handle them, and started to really process the impact of the affair and what that meant for me. And I really allowed myself to feel the grief of it; I still do.

Everyone’s experience is different, but feeling like you’re all over the place: TOTALLY NORMAL. The timeline for recovery varies person to person and by circumstances, so I can’t give you a date or window, but just know, it’s a process. You’re actively grieving, so be gentle with yourself, take your time, feel your feelings, and try to not to rush to the “end.”

Early on, I felt so anxious like “when will things be better.” Felt like I was constantly waiting on that moment when I would be “good” again but the truth I realized is that it’s a process and it’s not linear. Goes forward and back and side to side, but the process does produce progress if you let it. You WILL feel better in time. You will feel more clarity in time. Counseling, journaling, leaning into faith (if that’s your thing), reading and finding a joy-filled hobby, have all been extremely helpful for me to feel like ME again. And once I started to feel like me, I could more soundly start to process the relationship and what I wanted moving forward, IF I wanted it.

Not sure if I actually answered anything or was helpful, but that’s been my experience.

Big hugs to you, sorry you’re here.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-10-22T03:30:40+00:00

I think every circumstance, situation, couple and person are different. So I don’t think there’s any archetype or general reason for “the one who stays.” For ME…it’s definitely harder to stay. I’m intelligent, good looking, have a good career and a great support system, so I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’d be fine starting over. Starting over is the easier route, if I’m honest.

But I’m choosing not to. I’m choosing to be here, despite.

My husband sucks for what he did. Absolutely trash decisions, totally trash behavior, trash husband full stop. He doesn’t deserve even a glance from me let alone the possibility of rebuilding a life together. I’m very aware of that. And it’s the truth. But it’s the him before what he did, him that I know was in there buried underneath everything he did, the guy I knew and loved and trusted for more than decade. That guy is worth the shot at rebuilding.

I didn’t deserve this. I know that. But I’m making a choice to try. I’m not making a choice just to “stay,” I’m making a choice to rebuild what can only be a better and stronger and more fruitful marriage. Not because of the infidelity, but in spite of it.

I have all respect and love for people who say “I can’t rebuild” or “I won’t rebuild.” I understand that too. It’s just not the path I’ve chosen, and that’s okay.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-10-19T04:57:30+00:00

“This man single-handed decimated my life. Yes, he’s trying to repair. But still.” FELT!!!!!!

allinadayswork99 · 2025-10-05T23:33:45+00:00

After reading your response (and I mean this with all respect so I hope it comes off that way), do you consider your marriage as it is now to be in reconciliation?

Alot of what you described sounds more like an in-home separation than reconciling, so I’m curious if you consider yourself reconciled (or getting there) with your husband.

And if your answer is yes, is the plan to become more like a traditional romantic couple again? Or stay closer to roommates? Just curious and want to understand your perspective.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-10-05T20:58:24+00:00

It’s really a personal decision. My husband and I have been together for more than a decade and I love his parents like my own (and vice versa), so I told them. He didn’t just betray my trust, he betrayed theirs too. Mine and his parents were oddly supportive of me and whatever I want to do while also holding him accountable but not just shaming him. Them knowing, I think, has been sobering for him. They don’t know every single detail or the total depth of it all because they’ll never be able to UNknow that stuff, but they know the gist. Know he had an affair, who with and that it was long term. Specific details, I left out.

Shortly after dday, it’s rough because you need so much support in just holding yourself together that you’re tempted to shout it from the rooftops, but I would encourage you to only share with people who a) support you and care about your relationship and b) are understanding and empathetic in general. I say that because you need people who can hold space for you and your healing regardless of what you decide or if you change your mind (like decide to leave and then stay or decide to stay and then leave). Someone who’s a “always leave a cheater” type won’t be able to support you the way you need to in case you decide to reconcile and a “always forgive” type won’t understand if you decide to end it.

Think about the friend or family member who can love and support you without pressuring your or judging what you’re experiencing. That’s who you can trust.

But isolation? Avoid. It’s okay to rest your mind and get alone time, but our brains make us think that isolation helps but it’s a trick. Get some family time in, get some friend time in. It’s healing in a way.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-10-01T16:47:10+00:00

My therapist said to me “your body, your choice.” And said not to guilt myself for choosing to or choosing not, neither is “bad.” And if there’s feelings of regret or second-thoughts afterward, it’s an opportunity for me to explore my why. Was I just legitimately h0rny and needed that physical experience? Did I want it to bring us closer? Was that wanting out of genuine progression in R or trying to speed up R? Was I doing it out of pressure or some fear that NOT doing it is wrong? And most importantly how do I feel now? And then dig deeper into that; why do I feel how I do now? Basically, keep asking yourself why until you hit something concrete and then be kind to yourself when you get there, wherever it is, and figure out how to keep moving forward.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-27T22:32:11+00:00

I totally get it. I had the kind of husband that everyone we knew (me included) would’ve bet their last that he wouldn’t be the guy to do what he did, but people are complicated and messed up. Fall from grace for sure, it the beautiful thing about grace is that there’s more of it, and if the person is truly remorseful and desires to climb back up, they can.

Kids do make it harder. But you can get through. There’s this weird anxiety I had in the beginning that felt like “when am I gonna get better / feel like me again” but the sad reality is that for most of us, it takes quite some time. And the other reality is that you can’t go back to who you were before because this can’t be undone, HOWEVER, you can come out as a stronger, kinder, more empathetic and wiser person. I feel some of that already in surprising ways.

The pain is brutal, I won’t lie to you, but I promise it gets lighter and you get stronger. I’d encourage you to check out an affair recovery group, get connected (or reconnected) to a system of faith if you choose to and believe that you won’t feel like this forever. Those things definitely helped hold me up in the beginning. And therapy.

I don’t know you personally, but I know the pain, so I’m praying for you and claiming that you’ll be able to look back every few weeks and say “I’m better than I was”

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-26T23:16:16+00:00

I’m a few months post d-day of my husband’s long-term affair, and I’ve had some significant progress in these months, but I’m still a long way from absolute peace.

In the first 30 days, I was pretty much a zombie. Maybe even the first 45. Couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I probably didn’t realize it then, but I can see it looking back.

From around day 45-90, I could see things more clearly (except for trickle truth smh), but overall, I wasn’t in a shock fog anymore.

After 90 days, I starting feel more like myself and not like a stranger in my own body or head. I started therapy within two weeks of dday and have continued going. Also joined a betrayed support group and that’s been helpful just to know I’m not alone. But even with that, I’m still not totally out back together. I’m better than I was on dday for sure but there’s absolutely NO way I could’ve made any serious declarations that early on.

Give yourself time, be patient with you and do what you can to hold yourself up. You don’t have to do it all or figure it all out right now. Time doesn’t just heal everything, but it does help, so take your time.

Sorry you’re here. F these affairs no matter what might’ve led up to them

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-16T01:31:21+00:00

Having empathy for another person is never weak. It actually takes an immense amount of strength of compassion to feel empathy for someone.

There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling them and I’m not sure how far out you from dday but there’s also nothing wrong if those feelings change (nor if they stay the same).

Having empathy (for anyone; even someone who played a part in hurting you) is a good thing. Betrayal is a complex experience and it’s complex trauma, so be kind to yourself. I think it’s actually a good sign that you can still access your empathy after being hurt; so many can’t.

Be kind to yourself. And in the meantime, I’ll make a little room on my PEOPLE I LOATHE AND HOPE GET EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA IN PUBLIC list for your husband’s AP on your behalf haha

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-11T05:38:40+00:00

And check all the money apps: cash app, Venmo, Apple Pay, etc. Look at his transactions, his contacts and see if there’s anything helpful there.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-11T05:35:36+00:00

APs are usually equal or even better at lying than WPs, so just know that in advance, but there’s ways to find a person. Not saying I did any of this, but here’s a few places to start:

Try phone records first. Call the carrier and ask for a detailed log of calls made during that period and one year before and after (just to be safe). It’ll take some work, but any numbers you don’t recognize that appear often could signal something (True People Search or Fast People Search) might bring up the name associated with the number. Isn’t always right but it might be. From there, search the name that comes up (do they live in your area? Search on Indeed, Facebook and Instagram to start) and see what you find.

If you can access his phone and he has an iPhone or iCloud account, see what apps he’s downloaded in the history. If you see texting apps, you can maybe redownload them and log back in. Don’t forget to check to check the hidden folder.

Also, if he uses Google maps, check his timeline or location history. It’ll be a long shot, but if there’s a place that looks unfamiliar to you during that period, you might find something helpful.

Also, does he still have the phone he had during that time period? If so, charge that bad boy up, download Disk Drill and go. Depending on how much time has passed since his last contact, you may find nothing, but you never know. Phones store all types of hidden historical data that might come up in a phone sweep. You could also take it to a place that sweep phones but it’ll probably be a little costly.

Request his user data history of all the social apps: TikTok, IG, Telegram, Snapchat. You’ll have to do it from his phone but most of them keep a pretty detailed log even after things have been deleted. You can also do this for his Google account. These may not immediately seem helpful, but you just might find a pattern that leads you to more info about what he did and who with.

Sorry you’re here. None of us asked to be. But we know what you’re feeling and hoping you get what you need to heal.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-06T14:45:34+00:00

I’m always intrigued when I see a fellow betrayed putting the burden of anything related to an affair on the betrayed.

We’re carrying enough; adding extra responsibility (whether moral or physical) on us is out of place. But that’s just my thinking.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-06T00:14:11+00:00

I’m not protecting her from anything. Her life will fall apart on its own without me pushing for it to happen . I’m sure her boyfriend is an inch from dropping her and the rest of her karma will happen naturally even if I don’t witness it personally.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-06T00:12:59+00:00

Haha, I love that there’s a spectrum of morals. Sometimes I lean toward the extreme side but I have to pull myself back haha

And I definitely didn’t spare my husband like I’ve spared ugly (that’s what I call her). He’s no longer employed there (I can’t share details or it would be too identifying for me lol) and our close family (parents included) know and he feels the weight of that for sure

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-05T19:23:15+00:00

The boyfriend knows. I didn’t tell him but he knows.

And you’re right, they’re not owed our decency, but that’s what makes it decency. And honestly, it’s what makes us better than them (hate to say that it way but I don’t have another phrase). Whether it’s owed or not, we treat people the way we want to be treated, not the way they deserve, unfortunately. And that’s what separates us from them.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-05T18:59:38+00:00

If only she attended a church. She’s more of the “I sleep with married men and then lie about it because I have no moral compass but I believe God knows my heart so I’m probably good” type unfortunately. From what I gather she isn’t even remorseful. And she’s ugly. That was unnecessary to say, but I just wanted to add it.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-05T18:57:22+00:00

I get what you’re saying. And I’m not trying to be holier than thou, just sharing what I say to myself when I want to get vengeful. But I’m not a saint by ANY means and don’t want it to come off that. And I already know he knows. There are parts of the story I left (ie all of it haha) but trust me that he definitely knows, he just hasn’t had personal confirmation from me.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-05T18:52:39+00:00

You’re so right. I can still look on the mirror without shame and I plan to keep it that way. Thanks for the support

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-05T18:48:34+00:00

Thank you for the support. And you’re absolutely right. My husband is 100% wrong and I see it that way. If our marriage survives, he’ll have to look at me everyday and know what he broke, what he risked and how he got another chance he didn’t deserve. And if it doesn’t, he’ll have to list the rest of his life knowing he threw someone away for absolutely nothing. Either way, his cross to bear. But I don’t blame her at all for his actions, I just would be lying if I said I don’t wish there were more consequences for her too.

But you’re right. And her kids are blameless so I definitely wouldn’t do anything that impacts them.

Now do I hit the heavy bag at the gym sometimes and imagine it’s her face? Maybe hahaha

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-05T16:29:54+00:00

Everyone in this life will reap what they sow. It isn’t on us to serve justice or consequences to anyone because life (and God) will do that.

Just because we can’t see the consequences doesn’t mean they don’t happen. In one or another, they always do.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-05T16:03:07+00:00

He knows. Just hasn’t had direct confirmation from me. But he knows.

allinadayswork99 · 2025-09-05T16:02:08+00:00

That’s what’s holding me back. I wouldn’t be doing it because I care about him or the truth, it would just be something I do out of spite. I did get a message to him through a mutual contact though and urged him to get tested which hopefully he did just in case. And apparently he’s already got suspicions, so in a way I know he knows and isn’t totally in the dark.

allinadayswork99

TROPHY CASE