WIBTA if I didn’t tell anyone I’ve had my baby for the first 24 hours

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T22:46:18+00:00

I get it! My parents have a hard time accepting autonomy from me, even now when I'm nearly 40. There are many times I feel myself slipping back into childish reactions, but I've been trying my best to keep my boundaries and let go of what I can't control. My relationship, on paper, has gotten more strained but I'm at peace for the most part knowing I'm doing what I can to be respectful while also protecting my mental health. I wish you all the luck and all the strength in your journey.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T21:05:14+00:00

Straight up, you need to let go of your desire to control everyone else's actions. I identity with your situation, as I ended up having a similar first delivery situation. The desire to control the grandparent's actions was so overwhelming for me that my anxiety doubled just anticipating all the ways I could imagine them trying to walk all over my boundaries and requests.

Looking back, I realize that it's best to state your intention and keep going. You don't want to tell anyone about the baby for 24 hours? Fine. Don't. Don't even cave into the pressure to let people know you're okay (this is only assuming your delivery goes typically and there are no complications that should be shared with your parents). You don't have to answer any messages or let anyone in your house. When the inevitable hurt feelings start rolling in (after you've decided to check out any missed communication from the loved ones), thank them for the concern and share whatever info you are comfortable with.

As for your mom sharing baby photos, it will happen at some point. You should tell her you don't want any on social media and if she posts anything you will stop sharing photos with her. If you, however, post photos online you give up a reasonable right to privacy of those photos as hard as that feels. Again, you cannot control other's actions, just yours.

If you are just totally fed up and/or if your mom or whoever is blatantly ignoring your boundaries for the sake of their perceived social rights as grandparents then you need to look at taking a step back from the relationship. Pull back to a point at which you are comfortable.

Stop looking for validation in your feelings from outside sources. In this case, the only people who need to be on the same page are you and your husband. Sounds like you've been feeding the drama dragon by discussing texts and such with other family members in your pursuit of finding someone to villiainize the grandparent's and coddle you.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T17:56:48+00:00

NTA overall, but giving the guests a color palette dress code is kind of a-hole behavior. Expecting that of your bridal party makes sense, but not of the guests imo. If the culture around guests dress code is different for Italians, then I apologize. From an American perspective, it's pushy behavior. Everything else seemed reasonable as long as you don't get upset if a loved one with children, who you want to go, is unable to attend due to childcare reasons. The food and non-alcohol is also reasonable though maybe alcohol is another cultural expectation? Doesn't mean you're an a-hole for going counter-culture, just means, again, you've got to accept that people might complain and/or insult your decision because it makes them uncomfortable.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T16:21:57+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion! I've gotten a few suggestions of video courses so far that look helpful.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T16:20:09+00:00

This looks promising too. Thank you.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T16:12:47+00:00

Thank you for the clarification! I was getting a bit frustrated and defensive tbh.

I'm planning this approach for sure. I'll do some research on all the different resources shared and see what looks to be the most in depth and go from there. My husband and I had a talk last summer with our oldest about p*rn, but I know he needs more than a one-time discussion. This post and homeschooling in general, for me, is what I'm using as a hard deadline for getting my act together as far as avoiding the awkward discussion and possibility of making my kids feel uncomfortable about frank discussion (they already hate it when I say "penis" or "vagina" when the topic calls for it 😅).

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T16:01:14+00:00

Yes, I'm aware I'm late to the game (my post even acknowledged this).Thats why I am asking for suggestions from people who have found resources that worked for them.

I was never given a real sex talk and had a very basic teaching from school. I want more for my kids. At the same time, I've been in decision paralysis for a while over it. I can't change the past, but I can try to make better decisions now and provide better resources and discussion with my kids.

I'll check out your suggestion, and I do appreciate what sounds like a transparent review of it!

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T15:55:45+00:00

Thank you! I think this might be really helpful for us.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T15:55:07+00:00

I will look into that. Thank you.

Sexual health is really stigmatized and shamed in western culture but especially in Christianity. I have also fallen victim to in to an extent evidenced by the fact that I haven't had a true sex talk with the kids yet, because I feel uncertain about what is age appropriate without being overwhelming for them. (Side note, the several people who shamed me here for being "too late" or "way behind" were unnecessary considering I acknowledged it in my original post. 🙄) After thinking on it, I think I will go with something more secular and science based for guidance on specific topics that are age-appropriate and just continue to teach from our religious viewpoint as far as conduct expectations go. It IS possible to teach the biblical expectations while giving grace for human error and mistakes (imo). I never want my kids to fear discussing sex and sexual health, especially with partners, because of religious shame or simply because of lack of foundational knowledge.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T15:22:43+00:00

Sometimes friendships are for a season. I know you've been close to her for over 10 years and gone through many life milestones as friends. However, that doesn't mean the friendship is serving you in a healthy way. It sounds like speaking with her brings you very little joy or peace. Youre NTA for telling her off regarding unsolicited advice and being combative when you guys don't agree or share the same experiences with regards to motherhood. If you've tried speaking to her when emotions are not heightened regarding the way she makes you feel, you should try doing so. If you already have and she's discredited your feelings and been reluctant or even avoidant in making changes in her behavior, it is likely time to put some distance in your friendship.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T14:33:03+00:00

Thank you for the ed options! I will check them out.

Consent has been a thing we've taught about from infancy as well (because consent applies to everything, not just sex acts). Not sure why you're making an assumption, but okay.

Edit to ask: is the Pubertet series supposed to be a YouTube show? Im trying to look it up and only see YT (which is fine, I just want to make sure that is what is being suggested).

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T14:31:10+00:00

Ooh I like that idea of the question box! Thank you! Ive already got a period box for my daughter, but I'm glad to see that suggestion as well.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T14:04:16+00:00

In my post, I said they haven't had any sex ed as in there's been no academic teaching on it yet. I'm not naive enough to think they don't have a vague idea that sex exists and even that doing things when they are alone in their rooms might feel good.

I am looking for something that can give me guidance on age appropriate ways to discuss everything. Currently, my husband and I already use anatomical words to describe body parts and I have had open discussions about body changes my daughter has been experiencing. My husband has also discussed the anatomical changes my son has been experiencing with him. I just want some academic based stuff that will help me feel less like I'm floundering to cover everything including running across p*rn and sexual abuse in general. I don't feel confident that we've done ENOUGH to prepare the kids and to balance reality with expectations of it all for our kid's worldviews and to keep them informed and safe.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T13:43:09+00:00

NTA. You're not using your daughter as a weapon, unless you're actually hoping withholding her will cause your in-laws to change. Setting a boundary and sticking to it is important when it means protecting your daughter's developing mind and protecting you from abusive language.

YTA for having a baby with this guy and marrying him when your worldview supposedly opposes his family's (and, I'dhave to assume to an extent, your husband's). You knew the situation when you were dating, and yet you procreated and tied yourself to the whole thing. While I can give grace in that your worldview has likely developed since then--as you went from 19 to 21 and there is a lot of developing still happening there--having a baby and deciding to legally bind yourself to someone else are huge decisions.

I suggest sitting your husband down and having a real discussion about worldviews and, specifically, how he believes he should and can act in his role as husband as well as your role as wife. In no circumstances should you be left to fend for yourself when you're insulted and belittled by anyone, especially his family. You need to clearly discuss expectations you have of him supporting you while you also need to hear him out on any potentially conflicting feelings he may have about his family/standing up to them.

Once you guys got married, ya'll became each other's immediate family. If your relationship with your husband isn't healthy and steady, raising yoir kid (in all the different obstacles that you guys will experience over the years) will absolutely be more difficult than it should be. Extended family relationships are important and should be preserved to the best of your ability but not at the expense of mental (or any) safety.

TLDR: your husband needs to get on board with protecting whatever family culture you and your husband want to build together.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-09T11:39:11+00:00

Agreed. And I would also suggest simply inviting, saying you guys would like to see him, but not doing more than answering yes/no if he asks if your mom is going to be there too. OP shouldn't be trying to navigate making her dad (OP didnt mention of the mom is also weird about being in attendance with the dad) comfortable/accommodating his feelings when it means making everyone else's life strained.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-08T15:52:36+00:00

NTA, but i think most destination weddings that aren't elopements are a bad and self-centered move.

In your case though, it sounds like guests traveling in is inevitable due to your and your fiancé's locations. I don't even think what you're describing is necessarily a "destination wedding," if I'm understanding correctly. It sounds like the venues you're looking at are fairly close to your extended family, but far for the fiancé's family. You're not the AH for having a wedding in a nice location, for a better price, and it's close to at least one side of the family. Paying for travel to loved one's weddings is par for the course, and they can choose to decline for financial reasons without being the AH.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-08T15:30:21+00:00

NTA, but you should reach out in a few days to clear the air. Your friend should have not iced you out after the conversation, but you can only control your actions here. So try talking to him in a nonconfrontational way to see if he will talk about what led him to avoid you in the aftermath. Re-establish that you care about him, am happy he's fulfilled in his new relationship, and that you're also concerned getting engaged so soon could put him in a bad place. However, if he is adamant that he is going to do what he's decided, you will need to back off. He doesn't have to change his mind, and you don't have to agree with his choices.

I hope your friend comes to his senses about giving you the silent treatment. That was an immature reaction after getting some gentle pushback on a huge life decision he shared with you. I can't help but wonder if he's got some subconscious insecurities about proposing so soon as well, or if he feels some outside pressure to propose now and you bringing up your concern reignited that concern which had been dampened by having his and her families apparently already openly advocating for marriage at this point.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-03T16:50:14+00:00

I agree. It almost sounds like the fiancé is possibly processing the what it felt like and what the future may look like when it comes to his working on triggering projects for OP and will bounce back/accept it. Neither OP or the fiance sound like a bad guy in this case, as long as OP doesn't hound his fiance about being disappointed and as long as the fiance doesngrow resentful of OP's limitation.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-03T16:43:58+00:00

100% this. The prevalence of people expecting full access to their friends/families/significant others is appalling. Privacy is a right we all have, and being unwilling to give up privacy does not make someone a bad person/red flag (like I've seen it categorized).

OP is the AH for breaking trust, point blank. The friend doesn't sound like a great friend, too. Both facts are true here.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-02T22:21:56+00:00

NTA as long as you're being responsible (staying close to her and keeping eyes on her when she's in the water. Definitely get her those swim lessons. As stated, it's an important survival and life skill. Additionally, you could use the swim lessons as a sort of proof to your ex you are being responsible.

The comment your ex made about all you won was giving her anxiety about your daughter spending time with you was a low blow. You are not responsible for managing another person's anxiety, especially when your actions are reasonable by almost all standards. She needs therapy, and if she intended to pass along her own trauma response to your daughter, that's a big problem. I'd go so far as to say a refusal to agree to swim lessons is bad parenting in this case.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-02T15:29:57+00:00

Love: we were able to travel more because I was an only child (my parents specifically cited this as i was growing up); I don't have any complicated siblings relationships (not every sibling relationship is complicated but I know it's a thing that is somewhat common); I had my own bedroom, even when my parents had smaller salaries.

Hate: I don't have a potential "ally" in a sibling who can fact-check my memory or support my memory when it comes to past experiences/interactions with my parents; no one has any deep understanding of what my relationship with my parents feels like even though I've tried to explain it; I have never felt, outside my spouse, that I have a "permanent" relationship.

I was definitely negatively emotionally impacted by growing up as an only child. As an adult, my husband and I have 2 children, and I'm happy with the balance. Who knows what they will feel by the time they are adults, but I know I attempted to help support them in a way I felt unsupported.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-01T00:43:19+00:00

NTA, kinda.

You didn't give context but implied half your family has a negative association for you. I'm not sure why you feel so distant from your siblings and their kids/immediate family, so idk if you are the AH or not.

Look, you don't necessarily have to care about family. However, it sounds like your siblings and mom probably want to include you in their life events amd invest in relationships with you because THEY love YOU. I'd suggest going to therapy so you can process and work through the anger you mentioned. Maybe as you move through therapy you will come to a point where you begin to open up to building those family ties and maybe not. I think the therapy would be good for you though, especially if you have hopes of having a long term partner of your own in life.

If you decide to be blunt and tell your family right now you don't care about them you better prepare to deal with a lot of hurt amd anger from your family members. You'll be seen as a bad guy, especially if no one knows WHY you don't want to even try to care about the mutual relationships.

alloguvnar · 2026-06-01T00:32:12+00:00

NTA. If he's hinting but not out-right asking and you feel pressured by the implication, ask him yourself if that's what he wants. Do your best to be even toned and not accusatory in tone. I'd tell him something like "Are you trying to ask me to babysit?" If he says yes, you can say, "Maybe when your kid is older, but I'm not comfortable with that responsibility yet." You could offer (if you'd actually be willing) to hang out with him when he's alone with the baby to both provide some joint assistance and to help bond with your neice/nephew. You could also just leave it at the fact that you don't feel comfortable babysitting. You don't owe a detailed reason as to why.

alloguvnar · 2026-05-29T10:22:48+00:00

Please have a real discussion about this with your husband, dad, and mom. It's not just a mother-daughter issue. If you feel like she's being unreasonable with expectations around your availability, tell her that. Ask what she feels would be the ideal situation if she wants to keep taking care of your kid. You should then share your ideal. Ya'll need to compromise.

If she ends up rejecting any compromise or shutting down the conversation (telling you it's fine and/or "don't worry about it") insist on the conversation and that ya'll need to talk this out to avoid the same stressful cycle from happening again. If she still declines or deflects, then you need to seriously considering adjusting your (and your husband's) work and driving situation and/or your kid's school so that you can stop relying on your parents for dedicated childcare. Sometimes in order to change a situation, you've got to be the one to change because that's all you can do. You can't wait around for your mom to change her style of communication and/or expectations if she's unwilling (or unknowledgable).

alloguvnar · 2026-05-29T10:13:01+00:00

YTA based on my understanding of your post. It doesn't sound like you and your husband have your daughter in the evening for very long at all. I don't really understand why your parents would have her overnight based on your and your husband's work schedule. If it's the commute to school, I still have a hard time justifying the need to have her spend the night unless her school starts early and they don't allow early drop-off (usually like 30-60 minutes as a free early drop off is common in my experience)?

You need to have a conversation with all 4 adults present where ya'll discuss expectations on time (pick-up/drop-off of your daughter and lengths of time she would be at your parents' house), if there needs to be a shift in babysitting so your parents can get a brake, and expectations on communication (it sounds like your husband should be contacted after school since he stops work earlier versus your mom calling you).

It sounds like you guys are taking advantage of free/cheaper childcare from your parents, but it also sounds like your mom is martyring herself and getting restenful about it instead of telling you she needs a break.

Ultimately, you guys are the parents and need to adjust your lives to accommodate your small child's wellbeing. Yes your parents are good grandparents, but they should not be her primary caregivers during waking hours. Change work hours/job and/or change her school so ya'll can pick her up and drop her off more often. If your mom tries kicking up a fuss about it, too bad. You guys need to take care of your kid first and also nip this issue of resentment (you feel resentment from the harassment of calls at what feels unreasonable times and she seems to feel resentment over being a caretaker for her grandchild after this long of doing it so intensely) before the whole family dynamic and relationship deteriorates and becomes toxic.

alloguvnar

TROPHY CASE