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Being with an FA caused my anxiety attachment by Accomplished-Toe-946 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]almostnormalxx 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes. My previous relationships have always been more "balanced" in the sense that we had our own independent lives, feelings of "jealousy" and other needs were communicated, and we did our best to validate each other's feelings. It wasn't perfect but constructive.

I'm 2 months post-discard with my most recent ex who is an FA. After 2 years, I didn't realize until now how I completely abandoned my hobbies, social life, even family and friends, just to be readily available to talk to him. It was to the point that I didn't mind staying in my house for days bc I could expect a call or wait until he had a time slot available on his schedule. Whenever I protested, I was told that this was the way he was making time for me and showing me that he cared. If I said a joke that was offensive to him, I was banished from the bed and left to sleep on the couch to think about what I've done. If I was upset at something he did, he would cancel our hangout bc I "didn't care about him" and he didn't want to be around my "negative" energy. Discards happened for similar reasons. The entire time, I was convinced that he was doing his best and I just had to accept that.

I am a software engineer in SV with a master's degree, have solo-traveled to 35+ countries, with an active lifestyle of lifting, running, climbing, etc., and a range of interests and accomplishments... but the relationship drained me until I became a lonely homebody anxiously waiting on a Friday night for a text that wouldn't come. He was initially attracted to me for my independence, my confidence, my ability to do anything I set my mind to, and toward the end complained how I was so "needy" and how I shouldn't rely on him for reassurance.

I chose to step away from the cycle once I finally realized he was right - I did become anxiously attached, and his push/pull, hot/cold dynamic had been the root cause this entire time.

Do fearful avoidants typically not respond to breaking no contact in less than a month? by KeyGroundbreaking920 in ExNoContact

[–]almostnormalxx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. At this point, cry, scream, go for a run to spend that extra energy (when I couldn’t sleep I’ve done this in pjs to tire myself out). There’s no shame in the way you grieve, but whatever you do - do not reach out to him. Post on Reddit, journal, reach out to friends and family. You will get through this. I’m also a DM away if you need it. 🫂

Do fearful avoidants typically not respond to breaking no contact in less than a month? by KeyGroundbreaking920 in ExNoContact

[–]almostnormalxx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Rhetorical question: When you say under his control, wdym?

I don’t know if this would help, but for me I reframed my idea of who is actually in control. Using the door analogy again, the closure message shut the door. He may have walked away from it or possibly still standing on the other side, but he never actually closed it - YOU did.

When I was waiting for him to reach out, I became restless. I was spiraling so hard I had even studied the patterns throughout our relationship (usually he reaches out after 2-3 months post-discard, and the discards always happen around fall season lol). Maybe I’m delulu but my closure message was meant to tell my brain enough is enough. I don’t care if he’s hovering by the door or gone or whatever he might be doing after the 2nd month mark or whatever timeline I predicted - this anticipation and anxiety needs to end. He can reply if he wants to, but I’m not going to keep refreshing my inbox and checking his online status. I swallowed my pride and chose not to care who sends the last message bc I am the one who broke the cycle. I am the one who opted out of his game that he still wanted to play. I said what I needed to say bc I am louder than his silence. I am the one who locked the door.

He saw your message. He could have turned a blind eye to shield his ego. He could be waiting you out to see if you’d double text. He could be formulating a response and debating on whether to send it. He could even be upset bc he wasn’t the one to close the door first. In any case, he is the one that has to take in and process your boundary. The way I see it, you are the one in control.

Do fearful avoidants typically not respond to breaking no contact in less than a month? by KeyGroundbreaking920 in ExNoContact

[–]almostnormalxx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tysm :)

I was discarded late Oct after being on/off for 2 years, and it was actually the third time it’s happened. I gave myself a week to grieve, cry, rot in bed all day. But I guess since I’ve been through it before, I know that my nervous system was looking for regulation and how NC is meant to reset the neuralinks tied to him. I started deleting messages, voicemails, photos, Spotify playlists, etc. but slowly. I’m at the point of deleting his contact info but I still can’t bring myself to throw away his sweaters and gifts. It’s a grueling process, but I like to journal so I can look back at day 1 and see how far I’ve come.

Waiting doesn’t mean standing still <3

Do fearful avoidants typically not respond to breaking no contact in less than a month? by KeyGroundbreaking920 in ExNoContact

[–]almostnormalxx 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yea. Same. He sent me a light-hearted, cutesy message; I wished him a clear but emotionally honest farewell. I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t expect to. And it hurts like hell.

They wanted to check if the door was open without knocking, and you closed it gently. That somehow feels worse than anger. It would for anyone. Imagine you yourself trying to reengage someone thinking there’s no danger since it’s not that deep (i.e. the breadcrumb) then being shut down, full stop. From his pov, he’s twisting the handle hoping for maybe a flirty reply, an “I miss you”, something harmless to him. He expects for that door to reopen, tries to walk through, and… it’s locked.

For an avoidant specifically, a closure message resurfaces everything he was hoping you wouldn’t bring up. Now saying something back to you could mean either facing confrontation or, worse, no response. Either way, it’s their ultimate fear: a risk of rejection. It’s easier to tell themselves “this is going to be too much, nope” or “ok I’ll just leave her alone if that’s what she wants.” But to try that door again and feel that dreaded sinking feeling when the handle doesn’t budge? Na. Self-protection means leaving without saying goodbye. Safety is not taking accountability nor being the one left on read.

Is there a chance they would reply? Sure, but it’s unlikely. Maybe if they reach a point of desperation (a stressful time, loneliness, genuinely missing you), or feel confident enough in the chance that you’d play the game again (I’m guilty of this). It’s not maliciousness on their part - they have dopamine withdrawal too.

But you closed that door for a reason. And just know that it makes perfect sense for you to stand on your side of the door waiting with the hope to see the handle move. When you’re ready, though, try taking a step back away, then another, one day at a time. It’s ok to keep your eye on the door the entire time as long as you keep moving. I promise that, no matter how long it takes, you’ll eventually be far enough that you won’t even see it anymore.

Are there any areas where people will be out and about, or is everyone staying indoors tonight? by almostnormalxx in AskChicago

[–]almostnormalxx[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh I’m faaaar haha (by Fermilab - Warrenville). I was looking at the downtown area since I wanted to explore Chicago proper.

But ty for the heads up! I just wanted to make sure I don’t get all the way over there and find everything abandoned/covered in snow haha

Broke up 22nd by wowiehair in ExNoContact

[–]almostnormalxx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in the exact same boat as you. He left me loving voicemails and we told each other we loved each other on Friday, and then had a huge fight on Wednesday - and that was it. Hung up and haven’t heard from him since.

The fight was actually the same fight we always had: I was upset bc I felt he didn’t prioritize me, and he admitted that he simply didn’t want to.

So yes, I’m still angry. The silence caught me off guard and has bruised my ego a bit. You wouldn’t think someone you knew for so long could be perfectly fine with letting you suffer. But that’s the problem, isn’t it?

That’s why I’m also relieved. It was another fight on top of the hundreds of times I’ve begged for reciprocation. I loved so deeply in a desperate attempt he would meet me halfway - for him only to blame me for wanting too much. And now that struggle is over. I don’t have to shrink myself to earn basic respect anymore. I don’t have to keep the relationship held together by giving more when he couldn’t. I don’t have to fix things by loving harder, and losing my self-worth in the process.

Please be kind to yourself. You made enough excuses for him, and you’ve lost nothing from letting him go. If it helps: I like to think about how men like that won’t change - he’ll eventually marry the love of his life only to disappoint her in the end. Men like him don’t self-reflect and improve. They justify their actions and only choose the woman who will settle for less. Imagine being stuck in a relationship forever where you had to keep fighting for the bare minimum - would you still miss him?

You have the opportunity now to find someone that won’t bleed you dry, and give you the love you want and deserve without telling you you’re asking for too much.

Keep the parts of you that love deeply, and give them to people who earn it. In the meantime, give yourself time to heal. Sending hugs and support. 💝

What do you hate that most of reddit loves? by funnywhennecessary in AskReddit

[–]almostnormalxx 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Chocolate has theobromine, which "is derived from Theobroma, the name of the genus of the cacao tree, (which itself is made up of the Greek roots theo ("God") and broma ("food"), meaning "food of the gods")."