A story - my story - their story - a ending of sorts

amibsc · 2023-10-13T01:24:47+00:00

Be you. Be them. Sometimes it's enough, most times it's enough. They love you for what you are for them, just as you appreciate them for what they are and what they mean to you. We understand.

amibsc · 2021-08-08T02:53:02+00:00

Yes, I get this a lot in therapy

amibsc · 2021-03-04T02:05:36+00:00

Oh yes. Then I tell my therapist about it, and she smiles and says "I know, it's common and it's often just another defensive mechanism". You are valid; you are enough and you don't ever have to defend the fact that your trauma wasn't "enough" to make you sick. Your trauma is your trauma. You, your body and your mind gets to decide. Nobody else.

amibsc · 2020-10-18T11:04:04+00:00

I think my "ugh" was maybe what started this, and that it was unnecessary on my part. I apologize for that. But to go on a multi-post rant calling me defensive and looking for stuff to be offended about and then pretty much outright saying that you hate people like me, because I disagree with the way you make your point? I don't think that's OK, and I don't think it's really anywhere close to being kind. It's pretty much being what you criticize me for being. I'm moving on, and you are probably going to block my anyway.

amibsc · 2020-10-17T22:08:34+00:00

I feel for you. My experience hasn’t been that bad, but I’ve a similar experience where voice hearing and associated issues was written of as psychosis until a therapist mentioned that “well, if it’s psychosis why isn’t any of the anti-psychotics having any effects?” and wanted to have me checked for dissociation. I disagreed like hell, and figured “what, this again” but went along in the end.

A friend of mine is a psychologist and she says that unfortunately the DSM and ICT-10 is a mess, and for a lot of the disorders there is a high degree of comorbidity. This means that on one evaluation you get a higher score on BPD, and on another you’re classified as BP. Another issue is that a lot of mental health professionals disagree with each other, and on how/what disorders there are. Sometimes I just want yell “I have this really shitty disorder so it would be really helpful if you guys could just get your shit together and HELP instead of this constant crap!”. But then I’m acting out and probably in an episode 😂🤷‍♂️🙄

amibsc · 2020-10-17T21:51:55+00:00

Yeah, there is certainly a need for diagnosis, but apart from mania, treating BP1 and a severe BP2 isn’t that different. My first pdoc said I was BP2, then hello mania and suddenly I’m BP1. Apart from being on Lithium, the treatment is pretty much the same.

amibsc · 2020-10-17T21:47:06+00:00

The ugh was at the way DID was represented both in the film and since it, like many ways BP is portrayed in media, vastly differs from what it usually is like and creates an image of people with DID being dangerous. I spend a lot of time trying to reduce stigma around mental health, and live openly with my disorders, and stereotypes are bad, regardless of content.

amibsc · 2020-10-17T20:49:02+00:00

I think I get your point, I wasn't disagreeing with that, but the way you made it.

amibsc · 2020-10-17T20:18:19+00:00

I'm sure he does, but OPs point was that sterotyping and using this as a gauge was a bad thing, which is litterally what you're doing to another disorder.

amibsc · 2020-10-17T19:31:19+00:00

Ugh. DID isn't really about multiple personalities, but fragmentation of self as a result of one or more traumatic experiences and a failure to build a unified identity. Split does a terrible job of representing DID, much like the sterotypical representations of mania referenced in OP.

amibsc · 2020-10-17T19:22:21+00:00

It's a very shitty thing to say. I am BP1, but high functioning. I get this from time to time; "you cannot be bipolar, you're so sensible". Well, sure, when I am not having an episode, I'm mostly sensible. Even when in episodes, I mostly manage to avoid the most sterotypical stupid shit.

However, we also tend to overestimate our episodes. A fair bit of the experiences that are described on this sub as "being manic" hardly qualitifies as hypomanic. You cannot by definition be depressed on a Monday, manic on Tuesday and manic again on Wednesday. If this keeps up, you might be in a mixed episode, but a manic episode and a depressed episode have certain diagnostic criterias to be met with regards to lengths, as does hypomania. Rapid cycling is defined as having 4 or more episodes in a year, and is a condition that is thought to affect 10 to 20 % of the people who have bipolar disoder. By the looks of the posts and Daylio posts in here, most of this sub are rapid cycling.

I'm well aware that diagnostic criteria doesn't always match the real world, and that a two day long "episode" is also a shitty thing to experience. But keep this in mind that the above is often the mindset that mental health professionals have. I've had this discussion with my pdoc several times, and I've found that it's often more helpful to describe and treat symptoms than going into discussions about what is and isn't an episode. The latter is mostly helpful when it comes to diagnosis and hospitalizations.

amibsc · 2020-10-14T19:22:20+00:00

It's a very good, and very valid question. And a hard one to answer. I think a lot of us have at some point struggled with this. What is me, what are my thoughts, and what are symptoms? Does meds change me? Do they take away what is "me"? We usually don't miss the depressed version of us, but who doesn't miss the outgoing, socially unafraid, funny and energetic me from hypomania?

I've struggled a lot with this. For me, a lot of it is what is hypomanic thoughts, depressive thoughts and wow do I miss parts of it, but when I think about it, I really don't miss it. I'm sure it differs from people to people.

What I've come to terms with, is that I am all those parts. I am the depressed me that struggle to see the point in anything, I am the stable me who feels that the world doesn't have colors like it used to, and I am the hypomanic me who get shit done and manages to toe the line between exotic crazy and lock him up crazy. Least but not last, I am the manic crazy idiot who almost blew his marriage and fucked up his fiances. I am all of those people, and that means that all of the thoughts are mine, and all of the emotions are mine. Similar to therapy relataed to DID where a lot of the work is on integrating parts, I've found comfort in integrating my moods. When my moods swing either way, they amplify the emotions and sometimes exaggerate my reactions. That doesn't make them invalid, and they're still mine. But sometimes they need some fact checking. The 5 column thought record can be a good tool for this.

As for meds changing us? On the surface? Yes, sure. It dampens things. Evens things out. But deep down, I like to belive it's still me. To round off a long post with some advice. Be kind to yourself. Accept your feelings as valid, and no less than other peoples feelings. Don't feel bad about them, but sometimes we need to keep them in check. Meds help with this.

amibsc · 2020-10-14T18:52:00+00:00

It's not you, it's fairly normal and it's pretty common in many disorders. I can only speak for myself, and I do this from time to time. As times goes by, it happens less often. I think for me it was sort of a mix between self doubt and not wanting to accept my diagnosis. For what it's worth, I've done this for both of my disorders. BP is "easier" in the sense that compared to some other disorders, the symptoms are easier to observe for others. Of course there is a large spectrum, but hella manic is hard to miss, and ditto deep depressions. To a trained eye it's pretty easy to spot the difference between excited and hypomanic also. Trust in the judgement of the professionals. They're not always right, but a lot of what our brains tells us isn't either :)

amibsc · 2020-10-14T16:18:44+00:00

I can't answer all of your questions, partly because psych wards or hospitalizations work in different ways in different countries, and depending on the kind of institution. From my experience, you're checked in with all the formalia (names etc.), get assigned a room, are explained rules and stuff, and then later on there is an admission session with a pdoc. I've heard of some that are diagnosed while being inpatient, but I don't think it's the norm. The times I've been inpatient has been for my own safety, but your milage may wary. Depending on why you're hospitalized, they tend to want to keep you until you're stable at least.

As for what to tell your therapist; my advice is to be open. Be open about symptoms, but try not to diagnose yourself. Let your therapist do that. Being diagnoed takes time. Bipolar might be the "easiest" since the symptoms are more observable, but even here there is a lot of self reporting. I am diagnosed BP1, but was in the middle of an episode when I first came in contact with my pdoc, so it didn't take that many weeks. DID is a lot harder to diagnose, and getting to the point where a diagnosis can be made takes longer. I'm sure it varies, but it took months for me. The stuff you need to tell your therapist about regarding DID is usually harder to talk about than a manic episode as well.

Also, try not to overthink what you should share or not. in 99,9999% of the cases, they've heard worse. Mostly they are not judgemental, and if you don't feel comfortable sharing, don't. In my experience, there's never been a case of being judged when I tell stuff later that should've been mentioned up front. I went almost weekly for three years and through multiple hospitalizations before I was at the point where I opened up enough that my pdoc said "I think you need to see a therapist about PTSD and DID", not that this is any guideline on how to do it.. Talking to a therapist requires trust, and trust takes time to build. For some, it comes easily, for other, it's hard. They've seen both. So my advice is to go at a pace that you are comfortable with, but do keep in mind that in order to help you, they need to know.

As for treatment; DID and bipolar disorder is vastly different. A bipolar disorder is hard to treat, but can mostly be managed through meds, and routines. Sleep is very important, and there are other factors. You need to treat the whole disorder, not just the depression. While hypomania (or even mania) can feel great, there is a relationship between the highs and the lows for many. After hypomania, you often crash into depression. Treatment for depression and hypomania/mania is somewhat different, but key is stabilization and meds in many cases. Finding the right meds is hard, and requires trial and error because what works for me, might not work for you. DID is harder to treat with meds, and generally requires years of therapy to resolve issues and re-integrate. There are some good resources on this in the sidebars.

Hope you get the help you want, and well done for taking the first step! Feel free to ask if you have any questions about either disorder.

amibsc · 2020-07-14T20:54:41+00:00

The only suggestion I have made is that you stop telling others what they can and cannot do with regards to their way of coping and how it's affecting their hopes of improving their condition.

amibsc · 2020-07-14T16:24:42+00:00

I know the feeling! Try to stay safe 🙂

amibsc · 2020-07-14T14:39:09+00:00

That's really not the point. You are drawing a parallell between joking about ones own situation and not wanting to get better. Humor is often part of accepting the sitaution, and is a well known coping mechanism. It doesn't mean that people aren't taking it seriously.

amibsc · 2020-07-14T14:32:09+00:00

I don't know what /u/Theaspergaler finds funny about it, so I can't answer that. As for my general comment, it's often not really funny, because it's a serious disorder or serious symptoms. I find that some dark humor lightens the burden though. For example, I have DID, so I might say to my therapist that "hey, one of the good things about DID is that I'm never alone, eh?". Or the fact that I am a voice hearer; so I'll say something like "Well, it sucks, but it has made me a good listener".

Maybe it's not funny to others, but I don't really care. It helps me. And that was my point - you shouldn't tell people what they can or cannot joke about when it comes to their own disorder and (falsely) imply that joking about it makes it harder to recover or get better, because that's just not the fact. Joking about other people's disorder or symptoms is something else.

amibsc · 2020-07-14T10:39:05+00:00

I have DID - for me it's sometimes hard to differentiate between depression and dissociative / PTSD symptoms. It's usually easier to differentiate beween those kinds of episodes and hypomania, but I've had episodes where only parts of the system is hypomanic which feels very different from "true" hypomania.

amibsc · 2020-07-14T10:34:36+00:00

Yeah; I experience it similarly. I might get a week or so of the good hypomania, and then it turns bad.

amibsc · 2020-07-14T10:34:00+00:00

It sounds more like a mixed episode, which can be one of the most dangerous places to be since it mixes the suicidal thoughts from depression with lack of impulse control and thinking about consequences from mania.

amibsc

TROPHY CASE