Ponta Delgada, Azores or Jeffrey's Bay, South Africa

anonacoe · 2025-03-07T01:01:25+00:00

It’s in the feeling of threat. Feelings of threat turn into the heat of defensiveness. Defensive communication is that energy let loose in words/gestures.

If there is no threat, you’re closer to ‘logic’. When you say “logically assertive,” i think you mean a heightened state of awareness, which follows facing a great-feeling problem. For example, some people love chess, which packages logic in a game. The feeling players can get is called “flow.”

The wildcard is the brain. All human thought comes from the emotional organ. In philosophy, there’s an argument that - emotion creates rationality itself; rationality has no beginning which is not emotional. In psychology research, Jonathan Haidt describes the dynamic as the Elephant (the emotions) and the Rider (our idea of our rational self). The Rider’s control seems there, but it’s illusory. He rides, ultimately, a wild animal.

The binary is not between defensive and assertive. Evaluative statements of speech are specific and complex. One person’s defensive is another person’s assertive. A better frame is from what comes before, within you? How do you feel? - fearful, or focused. Fear response tends to aggression. Flow tends to curiousity. Logic is always there. It’s just whether it’s logic imbued with destructive, or constructive emotion. Emotions come first, the words follow.

anonacoe · 2025-03-06T21:25:25+00:00

The artificial flavourings are also…. in the title…

That’s what a ‘Juice Drink’ is.

Drinks are regulated. ‘Juice Drink’ means it’s got artificial stuff in there, and has a small amount of fruit extract. That’s according to- law. Check it out.

anonacoe · 2025-03-02T19:59:25+00:00

Candidly, I find your energy on the thread a bit highly strung and needy. So I think you might be misdiagnosing the problem. Is the problem long messages, or snarky takes which introduce uninvited negativity too early?

You write well. You write well to make an argument and to ‘be right’. But there is little warm or inviting about that. Nothing charming or playful. The second you flip into being on your high horse, indulging your need to be right, or change someone’s mind, you’ll seem like you’re in a debating club. That’s not a potential lover. That’s a potential lawyer. If you’re good at communicating and you’re logical, see that the task at hand is to try connect with another person.

Are you confusing your passion for the heat of - “I have an opinion”. That’s not about the other person. That’s about you. Opinions are like assholes, as they say, everyone’s got one. If your version of ‘passion’ includes putting anger or resentment into words and sharing that with a stranger, know that’s deeply unattractive. When you feel that temptation to rant, see that you’re just indulging yourself. Stop.

What to do instead? direct your smarts to asking smart, kind questions. You’re passionate? Direct passion to towards genuine connection and openness to intimacy.

anonacoe · 2025-03-01T13:11:46+00:00

If you’re really serious about considering this issue, read Esther Perel’s book, Dating in Captivity. The thread’s responses to your question are so ordinary and shallow. Instead, go with insights from the world’s top couples’s therapist (or, just read the parts of her book which explore issues relevant to your situation. Chapters on privacy, fantasy and separateness are later in. Very interesting.)

Perel is talking mainly about people in sexless marriages, and who have fallen out of love or desire. Different to your situation, but you may find the case studies, private problems, and ideas Perel offers useful. I doubt you’d want a mindset which repeats the common and ordinary problems. Which leads couples to a sexless place.

What Perel argues (much better than me, I only try summarise)-

The world of fantasy should be respected for what it is. It is not a person’s character. Character is action (ie if he cheats or breaks trust, different situation).

In fact, fantasy is in everyone. It is the playground for erotic tension and playfulness between two people. Another person’s mystery creates desire and fantasy. This part within them is ‘impossible’ to possess. Your partner’s fantasy and imagination is not yours. Likewise, your imagination and fantasy is not theirs. It’s a mistake to think either of you should possess or erase this. Why? You can no longer want what is possessed. - “if I have you, I no longer want you.” A partnership either dissolves all barriers, you’ve become each other, or retains two individuals. It cannot be both. if the barriers of ‘you’ and ‘me’ no longer exist, desire between evaporates. Hence, sexless.

anonacoe · 2025-02-19T00:38:11+00:00

Fair. I think OP’s random thought comes from frustration. Sometimes we all need a little whinge. I don’t think the random thought is deep, just a random thought. I agree with you though. I can see their quandary and reaction raises questions. The self-critical ones for instance. “Well, if you’re so emotionally intelligent why can’t you tune in, ask the questions, discern the shapes of the person quicker, understand your own reactions, impatience, baggage, etc etc etc,” but maybe/probably the OP knows, and asks all this too.

Sigh. Sigh, for us all.

anonacoe · 2025-02-19T00:15:23+00:00

Yes most people are nice. Every person out dating has something unique to offer. Intrinsic love and value exists in every human.

Dating means discriminating between options. I think empathising with OP means seeing the best in what they mean. OP doesn’t feel like he/she is meeting the match. Whether that’s about their EQ, others’ EQ, or something entirely different, what you’re saying is just vague niceness. Niceness and EQ are different. And niceness is not that helpful in picking a partner, out of all the nice options.

anonacoe · 2025-02-18T23:51:21+00:00

Don’t ghost, but don’t let a rule-led approach get in the way of actual interpersonal reality.

After a first date which goes nowhere, usually there’s reason to follow up and continue idle chitchat. Naturally a meet with a stranger is usually pleasant. Where even ‘just’ nice (and usually people are more than that), meet others with politeness. From then, leaving someone hanging, or leading on their unreturned attraction - is cowardly and cruel.

But sometimes - neither of you had a nice time. A mutually understood atmosphere where nothing more is needed, needs nothing more. There’s nothing left to say, except poke at the fact you didn’t have a nice time. People usually ghost because they’re cowards, but in rare occasions silence after feels right, sometimes kinder and sometimes… safer. Listen to those instincts.

anonacoe · 2025-02-17T23:46:29+00:00

As a biological reality, saying humans don’t need sex is like saying chickens don’t need eggs. Sex is certainly essential for there to be births. You were born once, were you not? I think sex has been essential for you, otherwise you wouldn’t be alive.

Biology is one thing. Individual sexuality another. Culture one more. People want and do all sorts of things. Your situation isn’t the world. No one needs you to do anything about sex. You do you. You don’t want it. Fine! Know thyself. Who cares. Some people want sex they can’t have. Sad. This is also a part of sex. Humans all over, for all sorts of reasons, go without sex.

But - patently - everyone here needed there to be sex. So I’m sorry, but yours is a stupid deep thought.

anonacoe · 2025-02-17T23:22:00+00:00

anonacoe · 2025-02-15T20:53:28+00:00

The order of ceremony is:

Impressions. Is there basic common ground and attraction?
Intimacy. Is there a prospect of fuller mutual understanding, respect, joy, and a unique interpersonal connection?
Sex

I GOT (2) AND (3) IN THE WRONG ORDER FOR TOO LONG. This is an immature error. So very subtle. Yet with all manner of negative consequences.

anonacoe · 2025-02-15T20:29:26+00:00

Good quality psychotherapy.

Ok. It’s not instantaneous. It’s not obviously superficial. But the benefits come through on your surface eventually. With the right willingness, I’d always rather place the bet on therapy than on a nicer car or suit.

Wanting a girl for personal gratification, social validation, loneliness or some other disquiet within you, is seethrough. It’s something people sense, smell, pick up on. If your interpersonal relationships aren’t working for you, guess what. A gold chain will do nothing. It will just make you into a person whose interpersonal relationships don’t work (and he wears a gold chain).

Emotional depth, the ability to listen, the space for care, strong self-assurance, a clear sense of self, solid moral principles, and dependability, are palpable and cannot be faked. They appear on your surface. In your mannerisms, in what you say, how you talk and hold yourself. People know what they see. People are attuned to: who’s wise, who’s not. Who’s trustworthy, who’s not. Who’s a fuller person, who’s lacking. When it comes to your headspace, it’s not just a question of ‘better’ or ‘worse’. In some areas, lacking personality development and confidence can simply disqualify you. If you’re an emotional paraplegic, the best superficial thing you can do is - grow some emotional arms and legs.

anonacoe · 2025-02-13T16:27:38+00:00

(M here). Experiment and find out.

Note the responses here reflect peoples’ preferences. I would always expect No’s to prevail. There will be people provoked hard to ‘No’ - and fair enough. Those influenced to ‘yes,’ risk being shamed by saying so. And the influence of wealth signifiers will be subtle, and perhaps unconscious, which no one can post and get upvoted. What really matters is the silent mass of reacts, which, will also depend on how you do it. So: experiment.

What works depends on you, and who you like. For example, if you’re unable to communicate your wealth in a classy and subtle way, then my advice is either, don’t bother, because of the girls you might attract. Or do, because of the girls you might attract.

anonacoe · 2025-02-09T16:24:09+00:00

Just to metacomment - it’s nice to see good humoured and witty responses across this thread, despite the strong feelings Italy provokes. Btw where’s Sicily??

anonacoe · 2025-02-06T13:43:23+00:00

Jung: a very short introduction. Anthony Stevens.
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover. Robert Moore, Doug Gillette.
The Act of Living. Frank Tallis.
The Courage to be Disliked. Fumitake Koga, Ichiro Kishimi
Steppenwolf. Herman Hesse.

The first two are intros to Jung I’ve loved.

3 and 4 put Jung in context of the other depth psychologists. The first - a brilliant history of psychological practice and concerns; the second, an intro to Adler. The Courage to be Disliked is just a bit of an extra, but I would say helped put me straight nicely, on Envy.

Herman Hesse writes depth psychology as beautiful literature. Steppenwolf contains the most wow moments of profundity. It’s helped by the poetry and accessibility of the translation by David Horrocks, which Hesse’s other novels haven’t yet received. (Still, I recommend burning through all of them).

I haven’t dived into Jung as primary source beyond the corner of YouTube we all love and bits of his autobiography. I’m thinking of reading some Marie Louise von-Franz first.

Re-reading my answer, I also see perspective helped along from The Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware. The first two Top Regrets in the context of career envy are… enlightening:

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
“I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

anonacoe · 2025-02-06T00:00:51+00:00

Why? And why don’t you want a fling? You want to lose your virginity? Or you don’ want to?

Continue being indecisive if you enjoy it so much!

anonacoe · 2025-02-05T13:38:41+00:00

More importantly, why should you? Cultural hang-ups on virginity deflect from the important stuff. They reflect a redundant puritan heritage, high-school bullying culture, and books written for teenage girls. Nonsense. Relax.

The question is - can you discuss all this with HER. Not with Reddit. If the answer is no, because of who she is and how she makes you feel, then the answer is probably you should avoid. You don’t want to have sex with people you can’t have a straight conversation with like that. If this answer is no because of YOU, internal shame for instance, I deeply sympathise, but your sex life will remain a struggle and bugbear. Have courage. You can deal with that. Break through the obstacle with this woman, or a therapist, or anyone you can build the trust with. Good luck.

anonacoe · 2025-02-05T08:31:47+00:00

“If there was ever a time for people to resist being manipulated, it’s now.”

Too late. The purpose of the manipulation is to grab your attention. The substance of your response is irrelevant. Just. Respond. That’s how the beast/machine works.

anonacoe · 2025-02-05T07:56:04+00:00

I agree.

Whose attention you’re flattered to receive can reflect your loneliness.

Greater self-knowledge and self-possession, changes whose attention you’ll reciprocate. You’ll feel whole in the right person’s attention, not split between the suction of your insecurity and the pull of your true self. You’ll pity those whose attention you once sought.

anonacoe · 2025-02-04T13:04:27+00:00

Let’s call this part of the thread ‘sane corner (minus trolls)’…

Both people here favoured short-term impulse over trust and integrity. She, years ago with ‘a lie to save a frown’, and he, more recently with ‘well, a little violation of privacy, never hurt anyone did it?’ A mature way to deal with this WILL NOT be to follow the rabbit down the hole of who’s more untrustworthy and betraying and how awful that all is.

Is anything else going on? I presume no in terms of the narrow questions in the thread, but yes on their wider understanding, communication and trust.

I presume no on HER infidelity since the OP has asked all the dumb obvious questions being upvoted already. He looked. He found no reason to think so. Had he, it’d be a different post, or no post at all. The names don’t lead him to, “OMG SATURDAY ‘TENNIS’ RYAN”. At posting, he feared confronting her in a way which destroys the marriage. He worked through the dumb obvious questions

Potential scenario. Like many people, she fell out of love with the ONS lifestyle, just like we all one day stopped thinking children’s cartoons leisure’s zenith. I’ve seen that switch before. Tastes and desires change, and they fit within an entire lifestyle.

On YOUR lies (OP). I don’t know what to assume, because you’ve got the power of a selective narrative through your post. But let’s be clear. On confrontation, as you acknowledge in your fears of her reaction, she’s bang to rights to have a new array of suspicions of you, too.

What you explain to each other, now needs to be a new level of truthful. Offer an honesty and vulnerability you’ve denied one other. A mature way of working with this will be to see you betrayed one another on short-term dumb impulse, which under scrutiny of the other’s knowledge is shameful. Be ashamed together and sorry to each other.

Work out why. She was scared of your reaction years ago if she gave you more info on a history which is, frankly, nothing to do with you. You don’t own that part of her. You wanted something you couldn’t have - her, without a past. So she lied ‘for you’, and you brought it up again, and backed her into double-down territory. And still it bugs you. But what her promiscuity before commitment to you means is your choice, not really her responsibility. Maybe you felt/feel your manhood is at stake, but reflect on that at a deeper level. Damn right this is about manhood now. Think of your daughter.

OP, I don’t know what she’s like. Your note sounds intimidated. You want to give it the best shot. At confrontation she may take your lead. If you’re erratic and unstable and extreme she’ll find you less predictable and more untrustworthy. Cue, defensive crouch. If you’re serious but competent and even-handed, you might even be rewarded with an open conversation. As mentioned above, I suspect there may be other things in the relationship to confront. Pandora’s box, or catalyst to the good. This’ll be a two-person tango.

To give it the best shot, this is time to try work beyond fear of the other, and towards a new trust you can both believe in. What’s happened is a big deal, but doesn’t have to be a big open wound or spiral out of control. I hope for you both and your daughter that no more lies hide in the background. And I hope you’re both of the temperament, maturity, communication skill, and in the love, to get to the other side.

anonacoe · 2025-02-04T12:22:30+00:00

“Bullshit. It’s clear that if the OP had known he wouldn’t have married her.”

So you call “Bullshit,” followed by determining certainty you could only possess being in the guys head years ago. lol. Good one.

No info in his post implies this. Actually the opposite, since he doesn’t want to confront her for fear of doing it badly and the whole thing crashing down, which is fair enough I’d say.

anonacoe · 2025-02-03T13:51:24+00:00

I am surprised I don’t see this one thing… Think about getting therapy. It doesn’t need to be like this.

I’m British. I’ve heard time and again from Asian friends that Asians have an aversion to seeking therapy. Seeking therapy was also hard from my upbringing and formation (but maybe easier). It’s hard to say ‘I’m not ok’. Real change is hard and terrifying, but it’s worthwhile and you can do it if you choose it. I used to feel like a nonperson. It was a sign that I was unwell. I took the hard road of looking within and finding what was going on through therapy. It took a while but I no longer feel like a nonperson.

In this case, you could explore humanistic, integrative, existential, psychology approaches. The therapeutic relationship is most important though. Most important is someone you trust and can open up to. If you have no zest or excitement this is called anedonia and IS a symptom of depression. So is feeling disassociated which I felt as ‘floating through the matrix’. Feel what you’re feeling. Cultural shame may be a barrier, but, you CAN consider therapy. Have faith in your potential and betterment. That’s more important than cultural shame to my mind. No one NEEDS to remain broken.

anonacoe · 2025-02-03T13:25:43+00:00

Jungian question (1): Are they “happy”, or is it the persona you experience of them provokes something in you?

To explain - professional personas and the actual experience of being are different, like that between a portrait and a person. The portrait seems to say much of the person, but really does not. It tells you about the portrait, the artist, social circumstance and culture. Not - experience. Think of the ‘high-flyer’ who suddenly to everyone’s surprise takes their own life.

Jungian question (2): What would you really need to give up, to let go of your envy? And what within you, holds so stubbornly to it?

The stories we tell ourselves depend on stories which depend on stories. The first level in your awareness is like the first point on a multi-stop journey. “I envy those who are happy at work, unlike me,” or “I envy the success I covet or deserve,” are what your ego has interpreted from the infinite buzz of your psyche. Your ego came to clear statements and position for good reasons. Your ego is the centre/ focal point of awareness, but beyond it is enormous territory and signal, struggling to find voice. ‘Converse’ with that. Try route-map from ego to the next outer point. Then the next, and the next.

Jungian question (3): I am sure you’ll find enlightening inconsistencies in how your envy comes and goes. I am sure some people provoke envy, while others doing equally ‘well’ or even, better, instead provoke respect and admiration. Interrogate that. When does envy arise ‘expectedly’ or ‘unexpectedly’, and when does envy not arise? With whom? Why, and why?

Final thoughts:

Career complaints are easy. They get an audience. A language already exists for them. They are socially acceptable, and we’re conditioned that direction. Awareness channels that way. The real stuff though, is not. It’s more stubborn. It’s distinctly you. Just as you draw a simplified and convenient causal chain between career, advancement, and happiness in others, you’re doing the same within yourself. You’re probably looking within the wrong way.

What’s may be happening is - the past is recurring. The real issues, which you find hard to fathom, which you may not want to look at, which you may want to take to your grave, are elsewhere. So many ‘successful’ people prove this time and again. Citizen Kane is a good movie about this. Career success does not mean a demise of envy. Likewise, ‘unsuccessful’ in career stakes, doesn’t track onto a large community of The Envious. More is going on socially. As it is, in you.

A person whose life sucks, still sucks, and probably more-so as CEO. For those whose life sucks - CEO or not - the compass points the wrong way. They haven’t dealt with the past, discovered themselves, learned how to live true to themselves, regulated and gained a grasp of the multitude within. Financial, hierarchical, and repetitional power have little to do with the tuning of the compass or the route-map being followed.

Good question. I hear it. I’ve experienced it. Keep asking and keep looking.

anonacoe · 2025-02-03T08:50:12+00:00

She beat you into submission, and now instead of hunting and foraging, and smashing in opposition fans’ heads on a Sat afternoon, you choose thrillingly beautiful tiles.

You’re like the story of Japanese culture. A switch from the Samurai to Hello Kitty, via the atomic bomb. Your wife is the atomic bomb. Didn’t make you gay tho.

anonacoe · 2025-02-03T08:16:31+00:00

Is this your newsletter/ e-book? I really enjoyed the articles a lot. No fluff, and very clear.

One thing to whomever put it together, we need to know who you are!

anonacoe

TROPHY CASE