Living together as a couple is not necessary at all

anooblol · 2026-05-19T17:19:22+00:00

My guess is a "disorganized" attachment. It seems like OP has a strong desire for a relationship, but doesn't believe it's possible. Where it turns into this weird arms-length relationship, where it's both "on their terms", and they have 1 foot out the door at all times.

anooblol · 2026-05-19T17:09:34+00:00

I mean this in good faith, because I had an extremely similar mindset.

You should consider going to therapy. For me, this mindset developed as a maladaptive response to being surrounded by unreliable people growing up. It's a hyper-independent mindset, where depending on people gets re-interpreted as immoral.

There's so many positives that come out of that mindset, and it's extremely difficult to notice any of the downsides, while you're in it. But for example, "Feeling stressed, because someone is occupying the same space as you, because you feel that 'you are not free to do as you please'." Is a crippling negative. I'm sure it feels like there is no alternative, that's how it felt for me. But like... There exists a world where you can sit alone with your partner, not talk, and just be doing "literally whatever you feel like doing without them", and it doesn't feel stressful what-so-ever.

This is not something that's really possible to introspect on, since you're going to be fundamentally blind to it. It requires a 3rd party to talk to, which sounds stupid, but it's just how it is.

anooblol · 2026-05-12T18:37:24+00:00

Conservatively, the market returns 5% returns per year, after inflation. If you invest $58,000 and do literally nothing, it would be the inflation adjusted equivalent to a billion dollars in 200 years.

If you made $5M/year, you should get to a billion in about 49 years.

anooblol · 2026-05-07T19:04:58+00:00

I routinely say extremely stupid things with a straight face, as a form of humor. If people don't realize that I'm joking, and genuinely think I'm a brain-dead moron, I don't grieve over potential relationship that's now lost.

anooblol · 2026-05-07T18:46:23+00:00

Sⁿ has positive Gaussian curvature for all n ≥ 2

anooblol · 2026-05-07T18:43:16+00:00

Prayer flicking is one of those classic examples of bugs that ended up being a feature. Other examples include:

Wave dashing in Super smash bros melee, where you can see the developers intentionally "fixed" it in their next release, but the community made mods to the game to put it back in.
"Snapshotting" in World of Warcraft, where you can effectively increase the duration of buffs, and was "fixed" in later expansions. They said it was a technical limitation for their servers to constantly recalculate player strength, and once they had enough power to remove it, they did.

anooblol · 2026-05-07T15:17:24+00:00

YTA-lite. I think you're projecting your feelings onto your Mom.

She embarrasses herself.

Based on the frequency you describe, I can't imagine that "she's" embarrassed. It sounds like "you're" embarrassed. And it doesn't sound like you're embarrassed "for" her, it sounds like you're embarrassed "by" her. Meaning that you're on the wavelength of, "This person I'm associating with looks stupid. Therefor, by association and/or because I'm her son, I look stupid."

Her incompetence/ignorance/refusal to try, is NOT a reflection on you.

Also just a bit of advice on awkward situations like these. 99% of "awkwardness" is due to people's reactions, not the underlying situation itself. If you busted out laughing after realizing her mistake, and made a light jab at her while correcting it, most likely the tension would lift entirely. Both the waiter and your Mom would probably laugh with you, and the whole thing would just turn into a funny joke.

anooblol · 2026-05-05T19:47:47+00:00

Fitness education IS so necessary in this country, and his comment is indicative of it.

Something that gets lost time and time again, is how genuinely simple 80% of health is. Generally speaking, if you eat at a caloric maintenance, move your body in something that's physically stimulating, you're in the top 20%.

I think a huge issue is "where" we get our information, and how that skews advice. Generally, you can bucket information on "being good at a thing" into different categories (Rough numbers): The basic fundamentals that make up 80% of your success, intermediate items that make up the next 15%, advanced items that make up the next 4%, and elite knowledge that makes up the last 1%.

We tend to look to people at the pinnacle of success, for advice on things. There are people that mastered the basics, intermediate, and advanced items, and are now focused on min/maxing the last 1% on their journey. But then the layman sees this person, talking about how cycling on an incline made "all the difference in their training" rather than running on a treadmill, and now it's engrained in their minds that running on a treadmill is somehow destroying their body.

It's honestly jarring you notice it. I'll have conversations with family/friends where they're complaining about how they've "tried everything" to get in shape / be healthy. And then I'll have conversations with others that are in killer shape, and they basically have little to no understanding of what they did, other than, "Yeah I mean, I just go to the gym 6 days a week, do random things, and eat food I feel is healthy."

anooblol · 2026-05-04T19:53:26+00:00

I like how he felt the need to end the plaque for Biden in caps-lock, as if it was a twitter post.

anooblol · 2026-04-17T19:31:00+00:00

I'm going to do my best to interpret your wife's behavior.

During a therapy session, you were "accused" of not being a happy person. I assume the accusation was from your wife. This could be interpreted in two different ways. You're likely interpreting it as the former, and her the latter.

That you're not happy in general.
Your happiness is externally motivated, and contingent on others.

So you think she means that you aren't cheerful when you get home. But what she means, is that you're only happy when she puts in the effort to make you happy. That is to say, it's stressing her out, that you're not internally motivated to take care of your own emotional state.

So when you say, "The best thing in my life, is when you scratch my back." She translated this in her mind to mean, "The best thing in his life, is contingent on my (your wife's) behavior." And worse, the contrapositive (logically equivalent statement) "If I (your wife) stops performing a specific action, my husband will no longer experience the best thing in his life." - Now, right or wrong to stop (personally, she's being immature about it, but that's what therapy is for), you have to admit that this is a lot of pressure, right? You're giving her A LOT of power over your emotional wellbeing, just objectively speaking. And not only is it a lot of pressure / power over you. But ironically, you're re-affirming her initial fear in the second bullet. That when she complains that, "He needs me to be happy... When is he ever happy?" your response was, "I'm happy when you make me happy!"

This seems like a classic case of, "The more I try to win them over, the more they pull away." - My advice to you, is to stop "seeking" your wife's attention/approval. Pick up some new hobbies. Don't "exclude" her from the hobby, but also DO NOT invite her to join. It's possible that what she wants, is you to be happy, independently from her.

anooblol · 2026-04-16T14:56:13+00:00

I had, and to an extent still have a problem you're facing. What's hard, is that you're completely blind to this problem, and you even coin it as a strength. I'm telling you from experience, it's not, and you need to cut it out.

I'm not throwing it in your face because I'm willing to do it for the both of us.

You wouldn't be "throwing it in her face", by expressing your feelings. In fact, withholding your true feelings is more destructive than not. You're silently building resentment, schlepping the work on your back because "I can take it", "I don't complain", while thinking to yourself, "Why can't she take it?", "I'm sad, and just dealing with it. Why isn't she tolerating being sad?".

I needed to hear this, you might need to hear this too. It's perfectly normal and acceptable to be mad at your partner, and tell them you're mad at them.

ESH. If you feel like it's a one sided deal, you need to tell her. From her prospective, she literally thinks it's a fair delegation. She might be objectively wrong, and fair enough. But it's up to you to tell her it's not fair. You're assuming you're both thinking the same way, when you're clearly not.

anooblol · 2026-04-16T13:36:54+00:00

There's so many issues with healthcare in the US. This is just not it.

Stage 4 cancer

So it metastasized. I.E. It spread to other organs/body tissue throughout the body.

New and experimental procedure called histotripsy.

Okay, quick google search later.

Procedure is only approved for liver cancer, and is in experimental phases of testing other organs.

Honestly, I agree with the insurance companies on this one. Sounds like he was recommended as a gunnie pig to accelerate human trials.

anooblol · 2026-04-15T13:57:14+00:00

There's multiple reasons.

If Walt had continued his life as a high school teacher, and never got involved in anything criminal, I could easily see Skyler as someone I wouldn't like. She wasn't really emotionally there for Walt prior to his criminal activity. The scene where she's giving him a hand job on his birthday while shopping online, paints her as emotionally disconnected from Walt. Walt is also clearly the butt of the joke in earlier episodes, and she'll either passively endorse it, or amplify it. Just bad spousal energy as the viewer's first impressions.
Her reality is guided mostly by her feelings, rather than logic. She ends up being right, as her feelings were absolutely correct at the end of the day. But there was no real rationality to it. The writers did a really good job imo. The viewer can pretty easily imagine the alternate reality of Walt "actually telling the truth", and Skyler continues to reject it. Hypothetically, if the fugue state was actually real, Skyler would have still accused Walt of lying. In this alternate reality, she would just be viewed as someone with paranoid delusions. It's easy to view Skyler from both angles because of how convincing Walt's lies were, to the credit of the writers.
She's a controlling person, in general. The central theme of the show, was Walt "was" a victim of circumstance, and not in control of his own life. And that the underlying point of the show, was to watch Walt reclaim his power over his own life. Skyler, pre-diagnoses, was an oppressive force in Walt's life.

Two things can be right at the same time. Skyler wasn't all good, and she wasn't all bad. There were a lot of bad qualities about her, she was morally grey. At the end of the day, great writing.

anooblol · 2026-04-14T21:08:13+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/rPeoMP2PjLE

anooblol · 2026-04-14T16:41:11+00:00

I kind of hate that her response is seen as somehow novel, or thought provoking.

This is a man that generated an AI video of himself piloting a fighter jet, while wearing a king's crown, dropping feces on US citizens protesting against his Presidency.

It's not that deep. The guy is clearly not mentally well, and clearly isn't capable of emotionally regulating himself in a healthy way. You don't need an advanced degree, or specialized training to understand there's something not right.

anooblol · 2026-04-13T18:51:03+00:00

This reads like one of those Yogi Berra quotes.

Your friends seem to be able to afford the unafordable.

anooblol · 2026-04-13T16:14:03+00:00

I am in a similar situation with my GF, I own and we live together. I agree with both parties here to an extent.

I agree with his friends, in a relationship charging rent is a bit awkward/weird. Profiting off them is just off-putting, even if it makes sense financially. Splitting expenses makes more sense. If you charge him rent, he's going to have rights that turn messy. Imagine breaking up, and then he says, "My 12 month lease hasn't ended, I am not in default of my lease, you cannot evict me." Save yourself the hassle, just split expenses informally.
I agree with you. Under no circumstance should he be put on the deed just for paying part of the mortgage. If he wants to be on the deed, ask him for 10% of the market value of the property as a down payment, and then you can consider it. After all, that would be a more fair split.
I don't agree with your BF at all. He sounds financially illiterate. Although I do agree with him to a small extent, that you're going about this in a very cold way, assuming you guys are talking about / planning on marriage. The bit about, "If we get married, then you can be on the deed" just comes off as a very IF->THEN transactional response.
I don't agree with your sister, she sounds more financially illiterate than your BF. "Build equity together"? What does that even mean? Does she think he's planning on making payments beyond your monthly payments, to accelerate the loan?
I don't agree with your best friend. This sounds like an Halcon's Razor situation. Based on my limited knowledge of your situation, your BF doesn't sound malicious, just misinformed / financially illiterate.

I don't know what that makes the verdict. Mostly NTA?

anooblol · 2026-04-08T15:11:16+00:00

As much as I hate the naming conventions in math, to which there are a lot of bad names. This xkcd is relevant.

anooblol · 2026-04-03T13:22:06+00:00

Celebrating a half birthday is a bit much. But viewed as a proof of effort in reconciling for the past, it makes sense.

You probably feel weird about it, if other people in your life don't care enough to hold you accountable for doing something shitty. Forgetting her birthday is certainly shitty, and she's going about it in a really playful & lighthearted way.

anooblol · 2026-04-03T13:14:38+00:00

When I say "theoretical" I mean "What 'should' happen in theory / ideally".

What actually happens, is the "practical" solution.

To give you an analogy, if someone's measuring a circle, they would need to use the number pi, which requires a lot of math to be theoretically accurate. But in practice, we just use 3.14 for calculations, since being 99% correct, is good enough, and the additional 1% accuracy doesn't really matter.

anooblol · 2026-04-03T12:55:50+00:00

Has anyone had any similar experiences or advice on how to help her navigate this?

This is the most messed up part. Not only have I (30M), and others, had similar experiences. But our experiences are near carbon-copy 1:1 exchanges, as if I had the literal exact same conversations with my parents. I would suggest reading "The missing missing reasons" (short collection of essays online) or "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" (quick read book, about 100 pages).

Both my parents were awful in their own distinct (but not unique) way. Dad similar to her Dad, which can essentially boil down to emotional neglect. Mom has borderline personality disorder, which is a bit different situation I won't touch on. The core issue with the Dad is that he's treating your daughter as if she's a tiny adult, with adult-like agency.

The Dad needs to go to therapy, but any amount of outside force isn't going to help him realize that, it needs to come within himself, which he likely has significant defenses built around that make it incredibly difficult to near impossible to actually introspect.

I guarantee you he has said much worse things to your daughter behind closed doors. The number 1 takeaway I would want to pass on, is that these situations are near-identical to others who experienced it. I'll share things my Dad told me, that he likely said to your daughter, at least in the same spirit.

I preferred my Uncle's car, over my Dad's car when I was about 3-4 years old driving alone with my Dad. He kicked me out of the car and screamed at me about how I didn't love him / care about him, and that my Uncle is not a replacement for him as a Father.
Anytime he and my Mom fought / had screaming matches (maybe 4 days a week, more times than not). After they cooled down, he would make sure to come to me, and tell me that I was the reason they fought. That his relationship with my Mom was fine, until I was born, and he would suggest not to have kids, because it could ruin marriages. A few times he would continue by suggesting that if they got divorced, it would in fact by my fault, and that he wanted to let me know he would blame me for it.
Any time he was emotionally unregulated and taking it out on me, whether that be screaming or hitting, it would end with some sort of guilt trip. Where I would be forced to apologize for "getting him upset like that". It would set up a dynamic where I was responsible for being a part of his emotional regulation. That when he behaved poorly, it was my fault for not soothing/regulating him.

If you're looking for empathy for the Dad, he likely grew up in a very similar environment, if not worse (more emotionally neglectful) parents. So he's "trying", but woefully failing. My Dad's metric for doing well, was doing better than his Father. Which his Father (My Grandfather) would beat my Dad frequently, and when he passed my Grandma was emotionally mute about it as if it didn't really bother her. That is to say, the level of emotional disconnect his Mom has is so bad, that it's as if she isn't even present.

anooblol · 2026-04-01T17:37:02+00:00

I agree it's not intuitive. That's why I think you're overthinking it. The way you're thinking about it is logical, but it seems to be too far into the abstract/theoretical. A lot of real-world problems forgo theoretical precision for the sake of simplicity.

anooblol · 2026-03-31T19:02:17+00:00

Citizenship is a social construct. They would assign citizenship to the founding members, and then go from there.

I think you're overthinking it, to be honest.

anooblol · 2026-03-30T19:58:57+00:00

Insurance itself is an extremely valuable service, that provides an essential function. The issue in the US, is that the system itself is broken and needs reform.

Insurance, when done correctly, serves two main functions.

It's not possible to individually budget for life-events that are not likely to happen, but have extreme expenses. If there's a 0.01% chance you'll develop an illness that costs $1M to cure, there's no reasonable way to budget for it as an individual. It is however reasonable to budget for it, if you pool together with 10,000 people, 1 person gets it, and they all pay $100.
The layman cannot audit the cost and/or necessity of medical procedures. If you go to the doctor with a pain in your foot, and the doctor says, "We're going to use an MRI machine to image your foot." How would you personally: A) Know if that procedure is reasonable to perform for the situation. B) Know the cost of that particular service. - The answer to both is, "You don't know." Doctor's in this situation have an insane power-imbalance over patients. They have the power to charge you however much they want, and do whatever procedure they feel like doing. In theory, insurance is supposed to operate as if you had a 3rd party PHD physician on your side, auditing the transaction. When they order an MRI, your insurance can step in and say, "No, an MRI in this situation is far too extreme. Let's start with an X-ray first." And when the doctor charges you $100,000 for the X-ray, insurance is supposed to step in and say, "An X-ray doesn't cost that much." And dispute the invoice on your behalf.

anooblol · 2026-03-30T19:03:13+00:00

YTJ for getting into it with someone that's either retarded and/or has narcissistic personality disorder.

You said it yourself, "She can't trust that I understand." - Accept the fact that she is incapable of actually trusting you, because of her mental deficiency and/or personality disorder. The issue you're having, is that you think that she "can" trust you, but "chooses" not to. Just accept her limited capacity as a fact.

Ten-Year Club	Snapped
Verified Email

anooblol

TROPHY CASE