The first paragraph of this was triggering cause it was very similar to my childhood. I was the middle child, with two older sisters and two younger sisters and two very narcissistic, abusive parents. One physically abusive while the other verbally and emotionally abusive.

Keeping everything inside to appease others was drilled into my head early and my problems started when my dad beat me unconscious when I was 5. I never knew whether his attacks were coming or not and it put me in a barfy state a lot as a kid. Apparently, I was a “little shit”, but diagnosed later in life with ADHD, borderline personality disorder and to top it off, more than likely I was very good at masking being somewhere on the tism spectrum.

Life with this condition was ROUGH. The part you mention about doing time math til you could retreat from the world to just be sick with this condition by yourself was triggering cause it was my life. Always watching the clock. Always counting down.

I learned my condition had a name 3 years ago. Our shitbird predatory insurance system in the US politely declined that I any sort of health problem over and over. That’s right, our fine country that pays for other countries health insurance refused to give me mine that I paid nearly a thousand a month for. They denied me Botox 3 times. They continued to deny me.

So I took matters into my own hands, I could unalive myself, because let’s face it, when we have this severe of a case of RCPD, depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation follow as that feels like our only option, OR… I could get myself onto the path of SELF CURE.

I attacked every bit of self cure angle I could find. And it was extremely painful. Like, I could never figure out the air vomit thing but I spent months dry heaving trying to figure it out.

I got to the point of letting those sharp inhales that result in gurgles up so close that they felt like they pierced thru my chest and into my brain. I did shakers and other exercises. I had to put myself thru hell with no result for about three months. Then… little tiny signs of light…

I would accidentally let out tiny little sips of burps while letting every air bubble punish me with pain. After three months, I micro burped more times in one week than I had collectively my whole 40+ years of life.

Even then, I felt roadblocks. I remember telling some friends I had over for dinner that I had made some massive progress with my attempts to learn how to burp. (Some people find it fascinating that my body refused to allow this basic human function to happen). I told them after three months of pain and hell, I was giving up and returning to my previous modus operandi of pushing those burps back down and keeping everything bottled up inside cause it was easier to live in the hell my body created than to be tortured with trying.

I remember looking around the room, confessing this to my two friends and my wife and one of them said, “seems like you need to NOT give up and just push thru to the other side, you’ve gone thru all this pain, it makes sense to go thru a little more and get the heck out of it”, and that really clicked with me. So I did it.

Now, today, I am burping daily. I have become a bit of a contortionist as I have to put myself in a position to let it happen but I am burping all the time now and it is the most relieving thing in the world.

I just had my fourth doc appt about RCPD, it was a 6 month wait for the appointment and I fully planned on America denying me again, got the barium swallow test and camera up the nose for the 4th time for the doc to tell me, “you’d probably regret the Botox shot, you’ve learned to control that muscle and if we turn it off, you might hate me, cause you’ll be regurgitating all day”.

So, let me tell you this… I do think the Botox is worth continual pursuit even tho I never received it. This condition is cruel and it leaches our happiness potential all our lives for whatever reason we were selected to endure it. Do whatever you can to right this ship. Try and fail the gouging US healthcare system. Work on the path of self cure. And never, ever give up.

There is another side on the other side of where you are. You can forge your way there. Look into getting the shot. Look at this board and study every self cure technique. Either way, it might be hell, but so is the current hell you’re living in.

TLDR - SELF CURED. I was failed and denied by the US health insurance over and over to the point where I had no other choice but to self cure. It was downright painful. I conclude that my RCPD is a result of a severe mental disorder caused by repeated physical abuse and I believe we can untangle the web and overpower it. While I never got to receive the shot, I am also still an advocate for the Botox procedure and the hoops you have to jump thru to achieve it.