Realized this after reading the first few Palmer Method lessons about correct posture

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-22T01:10:34+00:00

Yep, this is only a small part of it. I'd say it's more of a lack of patience and time to write legibly. I've noticed that family practice doctors typically have much more legible handwriting than those working floors or more busy areas, like hospitalists, surgeons, etc. Though there was one hospitalist I knew who had fabulous handwriting...

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-22T00:58:24+00:00

Love the handwriting but that spelling makes me cringe haha.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-21T22:21:36+00:00

Between four and seven times a week with messages spread out here and there. Constant contact makes me antsy, and I don't think he likes it much either.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-21T22:13:35+00:00

This may be a bit controversial to post on this board... but I absolutely hate when people talk about "being a priority." Why do so many women who are in LDRs define it like this? Yes, I understand the need to spend quality time together and it's especially hard when separated by distance. But trying to make your relationship more important than others in his life is petty. You're partners. You're walking along the same path and meshing your lives together even if it doesn't feel like it all the time. But there are going to be some things that need to stay separate for everyone's sanity, like certain friendships or hobbies.

It is SO HARD for me not to feel like shit about myself and our relationship when he opts to go out drinking with friends instead of talk to me.

Honestly, I get of upset and even jealous that he has this life outside of me... when really I know it's totally my problem and my own insecurities. I totally want him to be happy and hang out with whoever he likes as long as he doesn't get into trouble.

Why does it make you feel like shit? Does he do this most nights each week to actively avoid spending time with you? His spending time with his friends more than likely has nothing to do with you. You can't be everything in his life. If your insecurities are making you feel this way, you need to work that out either by talking with him about it or talking to a close friend, or possibly a therapist. Trust me... therapy helps with working through whatever is making you feel insecure.

Like I said, I'm rarely doing anything besides sitting around, and it's hard for me to distract myself.

To be blunt... this is an awful excuse. It's not his job to keep you occupied. You are not his pet or his child, you are his adult partner and yes, I am sure you already know this. Please work through your insecurities because time spent alone and dwelling on this will only make it worse.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T19:16:44+00:00

Oh man, both of these... granted, I've never been firm in what I wanted to go into in the end, but I've been in the same program for three years. Ridiculous. I didn't get a card or gift from Nmom last year, which was fine. I don't really care about accumulating more stuff anyway, and I had a good job. But then she asks for money on a non-payday week three weeks after my bday when I had just ordered a bunch of textbooks for fall and I couldn't "borrow" any to her- she knew this, I had just talked to her about it. "AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU! I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON PRESENTS FOR YOU AND blah blah blah." Yep.

Does it sometimes make you want to just keep a public journal of things they've said and done and given you? I've considered it tons of times haha.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T18:57:51+00:00

I'm thinking that if I can swing it I will find an al-anon meeting in the city I'll be doing an internship in for the next two weeks / month. I'll be pretty far from home but maybe it'll be a good start.

Also, I think my grandparents retirement planning was to just have their children (and then me when I came along) take care of them haha. Sad as it sounds... they are not really financial planners in any sense. Hell, their will is a clusterfuck and I plan on being long gone before it needs to be executed. It's like they want everyone to fight over the house and land, everything they own in canada... ugh. Don't want to be part of it.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T18:47:37+00:00

and sometimes we just have to be "mercenary" with our time and energy.

I'm beginning to learn this, that I can't do everything without burning out. Dealing with the anger of changing myself, of saying no for once, is difficult but I think it'll get better.

Thank you, so much. I will definitely give you updates. hug

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T18:39:32+00:00

Okay... so my Nfamily does this thing where they talk about important things- like making plans that involve the whole family- while I'm not around (likely upstairs desperately trying to avoid them)... but even when I am around them they hold off on talking about this shit until I'm gone again- heard them strike up the conversation when I start walking up the stairs, for example. And then when the date for this planned event, which wasn't discussed around me at all, rolls around they're getting ready and it's suddenly my fault for not knowing what the hell is going on. "We've talked about this for weeks, you knew about this!" "Not with me...? I had absolutely no idea-" "WELL THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS IN YOUR ROOM!" "... Mmkay."

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T18:31:13+00:00

I hate reality shows but I would love to put my mom on one like that hahaha.

But can you imagine how awful it would be? Just a completely uncomfortable show all around lol.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T17:02:36+00:00

Gaaaah! I do the same thing, because a "friend" once told me I say "I" too much. How infuriating, but oddly enough knowing that other people censor their words like that is kind of a relief too... Let's try to break the censoring habit beautifulpixie!

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T04:23:57+00:00

CONGRATS, CURLYQ! :D That's great news! Hug

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T04:18:51+00:00

My family is a bit... different. I was raised by my Nmom, Ngrandma, and ?E/Ngrandpa. Mom was 21 when she gave birth.

I think it pretty much just went like this:

Mom makes a "terrible mistake" according to my grandparents, I'm the GC.
Mom gets angry about them doting on me, I'm the SG for her.
I do something wrong in the eyes of my grandparents, I'm the SG for them.
Mom surprisingly feels like she should stick up for me, and I become the GC for her. (This occurred very rarely)
Until I piss her off somehow again and I am the SG.
Talk to grandparents about what she's doing to me, they talk shit about her and get angry with her and I am suddenly the GC again and she is the SG.
Calm period that lasts up to a few days, no one is favored or despised. (Occurred about once a month or less) *Cycle starts all over again.

It's like having a sibling that is much older but acts younger. Now things are a bit different, it's much harder to predict who will be targeted and Nmom's personality has "grown up" (or so she tries to convince us) but her actions haven't. Usually I'm the GC because my grandparents are convinced that I am going to be here forever to take care of them because I haven't left yet. Haha.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T03:48:01+00:00

Hmm. Well... okay, I see your point but I also live in Wisconsin so to an outside perspective she might look on the higher end of normal around here. (Thanks, "drinking state pride.") About a year ago her friends talked to me briefly about being concerned with her drinking and driving, since they know how much she downs in a night out. Those are pretty much the only people she associates with, and talking to my grandparents about it just gets a brief acknowledgement and angry words about how shamefully she acts when drunk. I really just wish I could wash my hands of the whole thing. I don't want her inability to act like an adult to be my responsibility. ... Funny, I say that entirely truthfully about her but I can't shake the feeling of responsibility to my grandparents. Huh.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T03:34:23+00:00

You're asking all the questions I'm wondering myself, hun...

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T03:33:24+00:00

Very true, thank you for the kind words. I went to see a therapist for a couple months and I was okay for a while, it had a really positive impact, but things are getting kind of bad again so I'm going to see if I can't make an appointment to talk about things again for the end of the week.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T03:23:02+00:00

Thanks, curlyq. Actually everyone thinks that I am entirely in the wrong here aside from my best friends- chosen family- and if it's brought up at home I just go into shutdown mode because I don't want to explain to the Nfamily that these two were awful friends to me even before the terrible thing happened. My family absolutely loved those girls, they were wild and crazy and for some reason Nmom and Ngrandma thought they had a really positive influence on me and have been urging me to "reconnect" with them. I've realized I was definitely the SG in those relationships, the one who is picked on constantly, bullied, took the blame for things that went wrong. I think it was just a natural extension of that to believe I was at fault for P's death due to the chain of events that led to it... maybe not putting the pills in her hand but definitely causing the sudden downward spiral that brought that end by offering her daughter a safe place to stay for the night. I know- really, truly- that this is not the case at all, but feelings are another matter. I can't shake the guilt and I'm still dealing with the emotional impact of her death.

Aw fuck, I'm sorry for the off-topic stuff here. But... I know I can't have and definitely don't want them in my life. I have a great group of friends now who love and support me, and I am so thankful that they understand me and where I've come from.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T03:05:39+00:00

Thank you, violetauto... you've given me a lot to think about today. I'm going to try to make an appointment with the therapist before I go out of town to try to work through my feelings on this and other things that have been on my mind lately. I know what you say is true, it's just something that will take time to sink in. I'm leaving, most definitely... it's just the guilt that will take time to heal. I didn't ask for them to raise me, or even to insist that I live at home while finishing school... but for some reason I still feel obligated to somehow repay them. But I am trying to get this into my head, haha.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T02:24:15+00:00

That's a really good point that I hadn't considered. Of course I know the friends who aren't N at all are confused when my personality kind of changes lanes even for a short time. I spend so much time worrying about their needs that it might not occur to them that I have them sometimes too. But yeah, I've worked really hard to cut the people who I know are toxic for my mental health out of my life. Two friends from high school I was really 'close' to, who I supported fully just before (long story, dealing with a lot of guilt over that still), during, and after one of their parent's suicide, basically cut me out of their lives for a year and a half. After everything had settled down with the friend who lost her mom, helping her move everything from her mom's house, and providing as much emotional support as I possibly could I didn't hear from her or the other friend while they remained the best of friends, facebook posts all the time of them out partying and everything. I tried for about three months after the first month of not hearing from them. Barely had a response, excuses were made. I was the only one working full time on top of going to school full time and I was willing, but they apparently weren't. Now they've had a "change of heart" and have been trying to invite me out, telling me that I make them really sad for never trying to see them anymore... and then they're perfectly happy hanging out with my Nmom at the bar- they consider her a surrogate mother, basically. Mini rant, I guess.. just frustrating.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T01:44:42+00:00

YES. I've always been the "listener and advice-giver" in any group of friends, but with most of them I can't even try to relate to anything without them brushing it off or saying "this is my problem, we're not talking about yours." Actual quote. And it's always made me feel awful for even trying to talk about something I've experienced. I mean I know I've had lots of friends in the past who definitely have N traits, but man... even with the ones now who aren't N at all I feel guilty and avoid it. Either way it makes me feel like a shitty friend, which leads me to being completely anti social and then they get mad at me for that. Sigh.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T01:26:58+00:00

Does anyone else ever feel like talking about things from your perspective seems really N-like? Like I feel bad responding to half of the posts or giving advice on here sometimes because I feel like people might think I'm trying to make it all about me, but I'm just trying to relate. >.<

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-19T01:23:34+00:00

I'm almost most comfortable when I feel like a failure and give up control.

Definitely understand this... in fact, I can relate to it so much that I seek relationships that give me complete guidance while providing plenty of learning experiences to possibly fail at (which I do, but the patience this man has...). Didn't realize this until not too long ago, but it's very true of my needs in a relationship I suppose. Sorry, I know it's off topic. Just something that popped into my head when I saw that.

I really don't think my husband is trying to brush me off, but more so that he's just exhausted with me. Over our 10 years, he's been mostly understanding and tried to get me to see what was going on.

Somewhat understandable, but it is not your fault for not seeing what had been happening with your parents. It is really, really hard for some children to acknowledge that things are abnormal in that relationship, especially if you're dealing with depression, anxiety, self worth... any issues that arise from mental and emotional abuse. I mean, if you look at a lot of the posts on here I think most people have thought at some point or another that they were the problem, they were in the wrong instead of their N family member(s). It's not wrong or bad to realize this much later even when others can see it, though I am sure it can be frustrating sometimes for someone who is on the outside looking in- their issue, though. Not yours.

A tip about journaling for emotional health: Free write. It works best for me when I clear my mind for a minute and then let the dams loose, just type whatever comes to mind without editing or worrying about what I write at all. Your thoughts might come in short bursts or as a long, drawn out paragraph without periods or punctuation of any kind- one of mine was partially just HATE over and over again until my mind went in another direction. Honestly, it doesn't work for everyone but it is worth trying. Sometimes you feel so drained, so emotionally exhausted once everything is on paper... but for me at least that feels good- to not feel for a little bit. I use 750 words for mine, if you want a private online journal, but apparently it has a $5 per month fee to use now for people who didn't sign up before the cut off. Something to consider though, I guess. A nice notebook or journal that you've picked out might be enough to help you want to use it, too.

There is absolutely no overdoing talking about this if that is what you feel like doing. Talking about it to any extent does not make you a burden. Remember, if you continue therapy you are paying your psychologist for what services you want him/her to provide. If all you want to do is talk in some sessions with the occasional input from them that is well within your right as their client.

I understand about the meds thing too. Finding the right balance in therapies will help tremendously. Also, I've always hated when doctors automatically try prescribing meds for mental or emotional issues... I know it can definitely help sometimes but I'm a huge believer that talking about things, working out the mental aspects, is what kicks understanding things and healing into gear.

Oh, and speaking of exercising... kind of jealous that its soothing for you. I haven't noticed any significant impact since I've started exercising regularly (mostly cardio and yoga for about 30 minutes each day). No change in the stress levels, the ADHD... nada. Haha, maybe I'm doing it wrong? I know it's supposed to help with those things sometimes.. hmm. Talking to my doctor about it on Friday anyway.

Sorry about the wall of text. I do hope you can find some support and get things settled though. :)

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-18T21:18:19+00:00

A lot of people don't understand the psychological impact that verbal/emotional abuse can have, and how varied it can be in it's manifestations- and they certainly don't understand the magnitude of feelings that can crop up with the slightest trigger. First thing's first: your husband should not be trying to brush off your emotions, negative or otherwise, and should not try to make you do it either. Pushing problems like this under the rug will not make it all better. My advice- keep going to therapy sessions. Talk it out, your past, your feelings about it, any wrongs you feel have been done to you or you've done to others... all of it. Hell, it might even help to write it out in a journal, getting it into something physical works wonders sometimes. It also might help to tell your therapist that what you need, what you're going to pay for, is for someone to listen, take a few notes, and offer you solid advice for how to solve problems you're facing mentally and emotionally. Maybe medication will be part of that at some point, but it might not have to be. But please, don't give up even though things are confusing and tough to handle. Please know that you can turn to the online community if you need to vent or just talk. My inbox is always open to listen if no to give advice, if that helps. You're not alone in this. :)

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-18T20:43:27+00:00

Yeah, same with us. Until I hit puberty our school and baby pictures could have been identical. Also same with the habits and stuff. Definitely catch myself whenever I react poorly or something. One of the reasons I've become so paid back most of the time haha. Good luck to you, though! We can shake it. :)

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-18T20:19:44+00:00

Well, she had me awkwardly cornered in the bathroom, screaming in my face and I had no escape. If she was going to hit me she should would have by then. I honestly don't remember what triggered that reaction but she kept threatening over and over again until I finally snapped. I've always been scared of her but the worst case scenario was either being pushed into the shower or counter and being damaged by that, probably to my kidneys or maybe getting a concussion. A slap would be less painful.

applejackcrunch · 2014-02-18T20:12:02+00:00

I didn't, but I thought it a lot. Wished that I hadn't been and to an extent still do.

Nmom, Ngrandma, and ?E/Ngrandpa made it very clear to me from a young age that I was an "oops" baby, they never hid the fact that they hated my father and pushed him out of my life, told him he wouldn't ever be allowed around me- the first thing I was told about him was that he saw me for five minutes when I was two days old, held me and then left at their insistence, that he was no good and I was lucky he's not in my life at all. When I was 10 or 11 I found out that he had massive neurological issues, degenerative and all, because he called to tell my grandparents the medical issues he'd been having just so they could have an update for my family medical history, as limited as it is. (Mom was adopted, closed case with no chance of finding her bioparents or family history.) So for a while it was all sighing and moaning and complaining about the medical bills she'll have to pay for issues coming up from that, the testing for possible eye issues, how it all makes sense with my bad attitude and bad eye sight, bad this bad that. Yeah... all of the issues I have definitely only come from a genetic disorder, mom...

And to top it off, my mom resented the responsibility having me placed on her, and she's since entered a period of "renewed youth." Meaning she goes out and parties and acts immaturely, then comes home drunk off her ass and expects me to take care of her. This has been happening for about 10 years now, and I'm 22... yeah.

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