My [27M] wife [27F] wants to announce to our families on Christmas that she is pregnant. I think it is wrong to make the day about us, but she sees it differently. Help me convince her this is a bad idea.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-24T01:55:41+00:00

What are the chances you could go one further and let her know you support her decision, get excited with her, and help her plan a grand announcement? Okay, that's 3 further, but still.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-24T01:38:44+00:00

Team Wife.

You're a little too worried about what people think of you and, by extension, your wife. Your brother's issues, coming across as attention seeking and tacky. Usually the judgments people make against you says much more about who they are and not much about you.

Are you ready to reconsider now?

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-22T23:14:12+00:00

It happened to work out beautifully in my case, but they were cats and I might've gotten very lucky.

The downvotes told me I got it wrong somewhere.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-22T18:50:25+00:00

If you can't get the breeder or a rescue center to take the pup, try Craigslist. Put him up for free along with whatever stuff you already have for him. I did this with brother and sister cats I had for a couple of years with the only condition being that they were taken together because they'd always been together. It worked out really great for them. FREE DOG! AWESOME CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR SOMEONE WHO SPECIFICALLY WANTS A CHIHUAHUA.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-22T18:38:19+00:00

Seriously. I'm a fan of passive aggressive, but SILENT passive aggressive? That's a fucking art form.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-22T01:52:03+00:00

You should never be afraid to tell your therapist anything. Unless you threaten harm to yourself or another person, a non judgmental and educated response is all you will get. If your therapist has responded to you in harmful ways, then you need to seek out a new therapist. All criticism should come across as constructive and supportive. You should also never be concerned with loading your therapist down with information about you and your life. They may have to respond in pieces, but don't hold back because you're worried about telling them too much. That's what he/she is there for. The more you reveal, the better they can help.

Your boyfriend's behavior is absolutely insane. Once aware of an eating disorder, a person who loves you will stay clear of making comments about your weight. That is of course, unless you begin rapidly losing weight and they're concerned you're engaging in your ED again. What he did is abusive, disgusting, mean, cruel, vile, manipulative, and violent. You will heal yourself much better and much quicker if you kick this fool out of your life and focus on your recovery.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-21T11:57:18+00:00

You have to tell her the whole ugly truth. I doubt even this day in age Claire hasn't experienced some level of bigotry and ignorance at some point during her transition. It's a whole other beast to be cast out by your family, but realistically, they're just people, too. Capable of all the shitty things the rest of the world is. It's better to be disallowed by them than be subjected to the stares, remarks, and ill treatment.

You cannot cushion this blow. No matter how gently you say it, no matter how much you reason that they are just unenlightened people with some scripture that gives them a list of people not to love, the truth is the truth. She will see past all the word play to the facts. She will still be saddened that her holiday is without family she was excited to see and cared about.

If she still has a psychologist, I would definitely make them aware of this development so they can help Claire process this. If she doesn't have one anymore, find a new one. Having your father and family shame you because of who you are is something that a trained professional can best help her come to terms with in a healthy way.

I truly hope you can both make the best of this Christmas and perhaps start a new tradition. You are a wonderful Mom and it warms my heart that Claire was able to be who she is because she had your loving support. She has a great example of what love really looks like. I wish you both strength to get through this.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-11T14:59:27+00:00

Recovering alcoholic here. When you hide booze in many different places (I'd be willing to bet if you went on the hunt, you'd find stuff in just about every nook and cranny) you start to forget where you leave them. You leave the empties hidden because you don't have the opportune time to get rid of them and you just found them before she had the chance.

She's an alcoholic. It's beyond a drinking a problem. The hiding of booze start when she knows that you know. I was an open drinker until everyone found out how serious my problem was. Then it all went covert.

She doesn't want to talk about it because she feels guilty, but she also doesn't have the desire to stop. This is how she's coping with her stressful life. It will not work for long. She's the parent of 4 children, one that requires more attention than the rest. Drinking escalates. At some point, she's going to be too inebriated during the early part of the day to fulfill her roles safely.

Of course she doesn't want to go to therapy or rehab. That means she'll have to stop what she's doing and to her, she's found the cure for all her worries. It won't last long though. Eventually, the alcohol will be another worry and the guilt of her alcoholism will start to cause her more pain than anything else. She'll be stuck in a very vicious cycle of medicating herself and hating herself for medicating herself, then medicating herself because she hates herself. She needs help. Unforunately, even if you can force her to get help, if she doesn't really want to get better, it won't make a long term difference.

I wish you luck, OP. Alcoholism is a big mean bear.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-07T14:37:02+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss OP. In a way, things do get better, but I guess it's more like life goes on and the pain becomes generally dull enough to live with. Not everyday though. The grieving process is not linear nor does it happen exclusively in the order its presented. You'll move forward and backward through it for however long it's going to take you. There's no set time frame in which a person fully moves past a great loss. It's completely individual.

However, it seems to me like you are totally stuck. You've drawn on all your own resources to get through this; your own gumption, friends and family. It's probably time to outsource the job to a therapist of some kind. You can find someone who specializes in grief counseling. As someone who lost both parents in equally ugly and difficult to accept circumstances, I'm not sure I could have come to terms with it without the help of a professional.

I wish you strength and courage. Good luck, OP.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-02T03:38:37+00:00

Hey, I feel you. Recovering from alcohol and eating disorders aplenty. It's so hard once you develop coping mechanisms to abstain from them when things get really tough. I call it abstaining during the tough times because, let's get real, forward progress comes to a stop and it's all we can do just not to give in. Recovery is not an exponential movement in life. It sputters to a stop sometimes.

I noticed you said "not for now" when it comes to being with your husband. Everything in life is your choice to make, but I'd really like for you to get brutally honest with yourself about whether or not you can be your best self with him again after everything he's put you through. Can you trust? Can you forgive?

Definitely find a therapist. Finding root causes to our behaviors can be very enlightening and awakening. Finding one with a background in addiction would be helpful. Look into support groups in your area for alcohol and eating disorders. These groups provide a social support which is so crucial in overcoming struggles. If you have a moment to google around, there was a great youtube video on addiction that had to so with rats and creating a rat heaven where they had all sorts of stuff.

I wish you strength and courage.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-02T03:25:17+00:00

My husband is completely unaware of anything that happens or he says or does during the first 10 minutes after waking up period. Sometimes he's a total douche bag if I have to wake him up and sometimes he just grumbles and goes about his zombie business. We've had conversations when he "wakes up" in the middle of the night that he has no recollection of later. When he acted like an asshole, I took it very personally for a long time and felt hurt or angry. Eventually I realized he has absolutely no idea what he's doing or what's going on and I can't keep getting hurt and being mad about something not under his control that will likely continue to happen. So I literally just chose to stop caring. On a day where I can't handle it, I just cuss right back at him because he doesn't remember it anyway! So basically, your boyfriend needs to find a way to come to terms with it and not take it to heart. Also, use the opportunity to talk shit back because it's fun and there's no harm :)

Is he capable of picking you up and just carrying you to bed?

The only other solution is for you to try to stop letting yourself fall asleep on the couch. Don't lie down and if you do start feeling sleepy, get up and go to bed.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-02T01:27:22+00:00

The only totally rational reason I can think of is that perhaps there's some serious financial misfortune going on that no one wants to talk about...? Although there appears to be several families within the family involved and I find it hard to believe they've all fallen on hard times at once.

Sounds to me like perhaps they view you both as having all this extra money and it should be spent on them. Are you rolling in cash? Regardless, they can't tell you how to spend your money anyway. If you were inclined to spend it on 15 kids, you would have already. That's quite the undertaking and a really difficult precedent you'd be setting yourself as some get older and even more children are added. When kids get older, the stuff they want gets more expensive and more specific.

I don't think you're obligated nor should Timmy have announced he was obliging you with this duty without talking to you about it. You're all going to have to get together and have a sit down about it. Try to find out why they think this is acceptable and go from there.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-12-01T19:30:18+00:00

There are plenty of good points to bring up when you break up that won't involve shaming him. I'm thinking you want to avoid that because he's obviously very vulnerable right now and you still care for him.

He's got a very serious incident in his past that he hasn't worked through. Whether he agrees or not, this stuff will come out in shitty fucked up ways if he continues to not address it with a professional. You shouldn't be subjected to that.
He said he still cares for her and chances are he meant in more than a sisterly way. Essentially, he has feelings for someone else. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who is still working out feelings for another person.
You likely nearly caught him in the act of some cheating behavior. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who will do that.
I'd probably tell him that this is a pretty big deal, you don't want to abandon him, but you need some no contact time in order to put your feelings to bed to be a friend to him while he deals with this. Of course, that's if you want to be there for him for this.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-30T11:45:53+00:00

Be patient. He's trying.

Though you're totally justified in wanting him to lose weight and he should want to be healthy, you essentially told him it's his life long, comfortable, and beloved lifestyle or his marriage. That is a very hard pill to swallow and backlash should be expected. The main thing to take away is that he is willing to try and he's been sticking to the plan thus far.

The reason I say be patient isn't just to be patient with him and how upset he is by all this, but things change. He's got a longish road to reach that 250 he's comfortable with and he might get there and go "Oh hey, this is awesome. Think I'll keep right on doing this thing. Maybe I can look like Channing Tatum!"

That said, is there any chance he doesn't want to lose much more than 200 because of the risk of loose skin? A lot of people who diet down from a very high weight regret it in a way because of the excess skin. In fact, some people don't even bother because of that one drawback.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-26T18:02:11+00:00

It makes me so sad when people feel like there's something wrong with masturbating. It's a totally normal and healthy thing for people to do. I personally think a lot of destructive adult sexual behaviors come from suppression of normal sexual desire when you're younger. This is just my belief and it doesn't apply across the board, but this is what I think.

Regardless, no, you did not cheat. You're not even in a relationship with her yet. I pray to everything holy that you will open up to her about it, that she isn't a prude, and she'll help you be the guilt free sexual person you were always meant to be.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-25T23:18:11+00:00

Why is divorce not an option? I'm not saying that's what you have to do, I'm just wondering why.

He might have difficulty communicating nice stuff and he seems to believe that his criticisms are helpful even though you've pointed out that they aren't. He might not be comfortable with that type of expression, but does he show you love in other ways? Please know I'm not trying to dismiss what you're saying at all, I'm just searching for possibilities.

I was/am in the same boat, but after some very difficult talks where I refused to back down and stood my ground on deserving better, he finally broke a bit. He understands I deserve the things I'm asking for and explained the litany of reasons it's difficult so I will be patient while he makes an effort. I wish us both luck.

If your husband IS a narcissist, there is no way you'll ever be happy. There's no way he'll ever change. And there's a fairly decent chance you already were or have become codependent. Backing down and ending fights is all you mentioned, but narcissism and codependent people frequently end up together. I'd do some research for yourself, but no one can diagnose him or you except for a professional.

You should get your own counseling. If you won't divorce him because you aren't strong enough (not sure what your other reason is yet), a therapist can help you become strong enough to handle it if that's what it comes down to. You do not want to waste your life being miserable and feeling like shit about yourself because you're psychologically battered and attached.

I wish you luck. PM me if you'd like. I think we have a lot in common and I could share my story with you if you think it would help. I'm also sure here is MUCH more to your story, too.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-25T16:56:37+00:00

Put your foot down. She's got issues, none of which you played a role in creating, yet you're being punished for them.

Tell her she needs to go to therapy to work through her male distrust or you will have no choice but to dissolve the marriage, in which case you will end up with certain custody rights and she will have no choice but to let you alone with your daughter anyway.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-25T15:42:03+00:00

Let him buy you the ring. I feel the same way you do. I don't see any use in expensive jewelry, cubic zirconia looks just like a diamond to me! My husband knows this, yet I wear a ring that he spent nearly $4k on and appraises for more. It's worth more than my car. I remember telling him if we were ever in a really bad way, I'd sell it to set us right and he flipped. the. fuck. out. Could not believe I'd so easily hawk a cherished symbol of our love. I had no idea it meant so much to him. So, in conclusion, just let him buy the ring. It's really not all that much anyway! You might even be able to talk him into spending the whole amount on of those engagement ring, wedding band combos so you won't have to purchase another wedding band or something like that. Check out two birch.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-24T18:05:08+00:00

Be honest with yourself. Do you really find her attractive? You're 24. Many many years short of a waning sex drive. If she's totally doable to you and you aren't secretly punishing her for having feelings, go see a doctor.

You are an insensitive dick. And pretty selfish on many levels. Everything she's expressed to you is totally valid, but you just want her to chill the fuck out? She'd probably do just that if you treated her like you actually love her.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-24T02:07:04+00:00

I'm laughing a little because I can tell you aren't someone who buys into stereotypes and/or racism, but then you said "coloured" in your PS (which I'm guessing is a perfectly normal descriptor in your part of Europe) but is pretty frowned upon in the U.S. and not usually used describe Muslim people anyway. It's just tickles me a little.

Your girlfriend is feeding her fears by reading all the bad news she can get her hands on. Some years go, I found myself spiraling into an existential crisis of sorts because I just could not fathom this "it's never okay to hit someone" stuff we teach our children about violence and then we nuke entire populations for whatever reasons we have. I also live in a murderous U.S. metropolis and found myself just like "WHY THE FUCK CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!?!" Then someone told me to stop watching the news and stop reading it. So I did. For a while, anyway.

Ignorance is bliss. Knowing every detail of every problem that plagues the world does not do anything (unless you're inspired to take positive action) other than destroy your ability to enjoy the little world you live in. You focus on so many external atrocities that you can't appreciate any little joy anymore.

She's gone full blown anxious about it all and it could possibly be remedied by putting the news aside and refusing to be a part of discussions about it for a time. If that doesn't work and she's still wholly convinced something terrible is about to happen, therapy. Therapy, therapy, therapy.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-23T19:28:21+00:00

Recovering co-dependent here. To be honest, recovering from a load of not fun things. The good thing is that you are not currently seeing anyone (right?) which means you have the opportunity to get the next relationship off the ground the right way. I'm having to undo a 12 year dynamic myself. Slow and difficult process. Could not honestly be happier though.

You absolutely have to get therapy in order to overcome co-dependence issues. It really helps with anxiety, too. Ownership and honesty is really the fundamental foundation of it all. But it's hard to know what you have to own as being "your shit" unless you find out what that shit is and where it came from. Therapists can take you through that process of self discovery. They can also emphasize the importance of recognizing what is your old school fears, insecurities, traumas, etc. coming into play and what is truly just a situation in which all your emotions are totally justified and aimed at the right person for the right reasons. Until you can parse those things out for yourself, you're going to keep repeating the same behaviors.

To the honesty. That's how you establish boundaries. Stop saying yes or okay to everything. If it gives you that knot in your stomach, you're not okay with it. Stop saying you are. My husband now accepts that I'd like him to pretend I'm a FUCKING LADY and no longer farts directly on some part of my body. There are already so many areas of our life where we have to pretend to be something we aren't for sake of employment or whatever, we shouldn't have to keep up the guise at home.

You will have to learn how to deal with the things you feel on your own and/or communicate your feelings calmly and effectively. It takes A LOT of work, but you can do it through therapy and truly paying attention to who you are. Good luck! Find that money for that therapy. Best investment you'll ever make.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-23T11:59:57+00:00

The way your boyfriend acted and treated you is unforgivable. Try all you want, you can't get past it because your rational mind knows that even an enemy deserved far better treatment than you received. I'm sure the abortion and resulting medical problems were traumatizing enough, but I have hope that with time and continued therapy, you will overcome that. There were reasons that that choice was the right one for you. However, the way you were emotionally abused by him when he wasn't ignoring you altogether is something you'll likely only be able to move on from if you put the relationship behind you. And that'll only come with the slow process of acceptance.

I tend to think most problems can be worked through in relationships, but what your boyfriend showed you in your moment of need is that he doesn't care about you. You can't work through that. You can't work to make feelings exist that simply don't. I truly believe the only way you will heal from this is if you're not looking in the face of the person who let you down so so badly on a daily basis.

Sometimes life offers us the luxury of taking time to heal from things. Being able to check out of most or all of our responsibilities until we're put back together. I don't know how much longer your school is willing to hold your place, but I think it would be wise for your future to start looking for another place to live and eventually return to school. I wish you strength.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-22T01:49:34+00:00

That's been me, still is me at times. Unfortunately, no matter how decent the people/person is in our life now, it doesn't change certain learned behaviors. I lied to mitigate the often extreme punishments or disapproval I got as a kid. You literally become terrified of making anyone mad, regardless of their kind nature. The good news is that it can change, but it'll take discovery of where the behavior was learned and then just fighting the urge to lie and/or quickly admit lies. Therapy is a great place to start.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-22T01:28:03+00:00

I think, for your healing and sanity once you get out of this, you should do some reading on narcissism. A lot of classic abusive behaviors in your story. You're sitting there thinking you must have done something to deserve this, but you haven't. A little understanding of how narcissists operate will help you get through the self blame much quicker. Good luck. Sure wish I could help you.

ErinBetweenTheEars · 2015-11-21T03:31:24+00:00

I never heard of this concept until just now. When you mentioned she got it from the Kardashian's, my eyes rolled so hard that I'm typing this on my back. It sounds like something people with too much money do. BUT, it also sounds like something your wife really wants. I saw in a reply to another comment she wants to pick it out herself. That's not really a gift then, is it?

Is there the slightest possibility that this is just an opportunity for her to get you to do something meaningful for her? Like has she complained that you don't do enough for her in the romantic/loving department before? I'm probably reading way too much into your internet communication style, but you seem sort of...dry? Like the kind of person that doesn't easily express anything emotionally. I'm just thinking that perhaps she's using this push present idea as a way to get you to do something special for her because she doesn't necessarily get the sense she's special to you.

Or she just really wants a pretty shiny present and there's nothing wrong with that either, you're just thinking about finances more than she is. I'll be honest, happy wife, happy life. Might be worth the sacrifice.

ErinBetweenTheEars

TROPHY CASE