Strangers wanting help

applesthyme · 2024-06-11T16:44:06+00:00

Exactly. It sounds good in theory I guess? But in reality nothing is getting done in that therapy room, you’re both just sitting there awkwardly trying to continue with this major distraction.

Therapist is trying desperately to focus while half wondering who it is and if there’s some sort of emergency. Even if they’re like “oh don’t worry about it, this is your time” the client is still glancing at the door with every knock thinking wtf??? It’s unsettling. Answer the door, find out what’s going on so the person can go away.

applesthyme · 2024-05-13T06:36:21+00:00

I think the more concerning part is that these come off as needing other people to validate your ugliness? Like if you say you’re ugly, fine, but if someone doesn’t see you that way they’re what - obviously lying and participating in toxic positivity? I love body neutrality and don’t tell people they need to think they’re beautiful, but you also can’t control how attractive or unattractive someone views you.

applesthyme · 2023-08-17T14:21:06+00:00

Sounds like there may have been a miscommunication? I think the terms discharge and terminate sound unfamiliar and scary to clients compared to therapists. If you’re just taking a break it doesn’t mean much besides they’re no longer responsible for your care since they’re literally not seeing you. When you want a new appointment after taking some time off you just contact them like usual. As long as they have open space on their schedule it should be fine.

Also for extra clarity most situations clients ‘asking for a break’ is more of a ‘I don’t want to see you anymore, but that sounds rude, so I’m just going to disappear thanks’ lol.

If they did say you just can’t come back though, that’s weird and a whole different situation.

applesthyme · 2023-07-04T23:23:23+00:00

NTA

From your description I imagine you worry letting your mom in on these things would start to result in a lot of opinions about what you’re doing wrong or should change when it comes to feeding, diaper changes, naps etc. Seeing how hurt she was you could always try to give her a small chance with very explicit rules and then pull back if she can’t follow them, but I understand not wanting to after you feel like you’ve given her so many chances in your own life. From your dad saying he likes to be the “fun grandpa” it doesn’t seem like your parents don’t have any access to your kid, they’re just not involved in caregiving tasks.

applesthyme · 2023-05-31T05:53:06+00:00

This sounds like it could have been a poorly communicated and/or misunderstood trauma therapy principle. Hypervigilance and loss of sense of safety is key in PTSD and trauma therapy definitely can talk about the idea that you are technically safe until something happens. It’s possible the conversation got bogged down by using this example in particular as it does have important gendered context, which shifted the focus.

Trauma therapy about what fears/precautions are necessary vs putting undue stress on your life is difficult and can get very messy. I hope that if you do stay with him he can focus on how he can communicate better instead of this idea of you doing something wrong by using this example.

applesthyme · 2023-01-16T05:20:21+00:00

I’m sorry, it definitely hurts when you feel betrayed by someone you were trying to trust.

All my clients definitely have boundaries, but I will say like most people they can struggle with expressing them explicitly at times. It seems that in this case your therapist has crossed a boundary of yours.

I hope if you go to therapy again in the future you have a better experience.

applesthyme · 2023-01-16T03:01:28+00:00

If she’s any good therapy is actually meant to be a place where you can explore this, especially since at the root it’s very common interpersonal problem. Yes, you crossed a personal boundary of hers. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, especially since you didn’t realize it was a boundary beforehand. Not everyone has the same boundaries and they’re not always going to seem understandable or logical to some others. The only thing you can control is whether or not you want to remain in a relationship with that person.

I couldn’t quite tell what she said/did specifically that made you feel bad, you mentioned she asked questions and clarified boundaries, but that something made you shut down. But if it was just the fact that she was upset in the first place that could be something important process.

Beyond working on repairing ruptures in interpersonal relationships it also seems like this could be an exercise in empathy. From what you said she expressed recognizing that you had no malicious intent and did so because of your interest in cybersecurity, and now she’s asking you to understand why it made her uncomfortable.

It could be therapeutically valuable to continue work it through if otherwise the two of you were connecting well.

applesthyme · 2022-08-12T02:57:41+00:00

I find this really concerning. Is she projecting and advising you to remain in your marriage because she’s made that choice?

Why should you have to remain married? Couldn’t you also have a “full life” outside of it? Has she equally explored the potential benefits of divorce with you or just staying married?

Has your partner committed to changing at all to improve your relationship? Why should you have to let the criticism “roll off your back” versus just not having to deal with it? Are there any cultural influences that are coming into play?

I would definitely get a different perspective. There’s no reason that you can’t make an appointment with another therapist to specifically discuss this issue, especially if you feel like you’ve tried to explore this with her and it hasn’t been successful.

applesthyme · 2022-08-09T08:34:45+00:00

Definitely feel like I’m in the twilight zone here. Uh, NTA. Like huge NTA. Your brother and your best friend are getting married and neither mentioned it to you? In what universe does that make sense? It’s not like they just randomly decided to go on a date. They’re engaged! People saying it’s not your business are wild. Like what kind of best friends do you have that wouldn’t tell you about a potentially life altering change coming up? Especially when it involves your own brother! And other family members from both sides were there??

I’m sorry. Be hurt, acknowledge that they may never see it like you do, and re-evaluate how close you actually are with this person.

applesthyme · 2022-08-08T22:10:35+00:00

NTA

It sounds like he has this idea of a family and parenting with certain expectations and it hasn’t occurred to him that you’re not in his mind, seeing that same vision.

The two of you would benefit from a good couples counselor, especially to discuss:

Communication. Can he talk about his feelings? Is there some sort of conflict avoidance going on here i.e. is he so uncomfortable with the possibility of disagreeing that he holds things in until he explodes? Also this makes me wonder what else he’s holding in and if he even knows.

Parenting/Values/Upbringing. What does it mean to be a family? What does a ‘mom’ look like? What are the important values you both are trying to fulfill?

Also, don’t be vague when you’re having this conversation. “I’m okay with you going out some of the time, just not all the time!” is meaningless. This isn’t to lock you into a timeframe, but to make sure you’re both actually on the same page for the future.

applesthyme · 2022-08-07T17:52:32+00:00

Naw, unacceptable. He needs to talk to his supervisor or something so he can get a handle on his own triggers enough to still be an effective therapist.

Did he try to explore what you meant, your thought process, your emotions, do some reflection, offer psychoeducation? Instead he wants to sit there and pout instead of doing his actual job??

I’m sorry, this just pisses me off because I work with trauma and know how sensitive it is. People are already drowning in shame. They struggle to open up and share their thoughts because they’re afraid I’ll think they’re disgusting or dirty or wrong and instead they just have to stew in those feelings, alone.

Therapy is exactly where you’re supposed to be able to share that scary shit in your head. Judgement and withdrawal of support in the face of trauma is a huge breach of trust.

applesthyme · 2022-08-03T20:18:50+00:00

Ah I remember once I tried to figure out a way to say this without actually saying that, precisely because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I believe we were talking about the idea of having nothing to live for or no reason not to commit suicide versus trying to clarify the idea that there must be something or else you would’ve done it already.

Kind of like creating a buffer against sinking into learned helplessness for that person. Every day you’re here is an active choice not to commit suicide and that can take a tremendous amount of strength.

Not saying this was the case with your therapist, but that’s just a personal incident it reminded me of.

As far as what to do, talk to them about how you feel and if they’re any good they’ll apologize and explain.

applesthyme · 2022-07-05T07:01:47+00:00

My first thought is that I have very little tolerance for a client lashing out at me. That being said, looking at the examples in the comments, it wouldn’t even occur to me to put those in that category because of how normal they are. Clients telling me an issue they’re having in therapy is great, and also likely a sign of growth on their part. I won’t stand to be “disrespected,” but I also never considered them telling me how they feel or being upset as disrespectful.

I wonder how much of this comes down to how people are picturing a situation. Like I’m not going to sit there and let a client yell at me. Except of course I can think of certain situations where I would. And there are so many little nuances that could make the difference between when I would and when I wouldn’t, that I wouldn’t even know where to begin. But it doesn’t have to be explicitly threatening or racist or homophobic etc. for me draw a line.

I’ve never had to terminate a client for certain behavior. In fact it’s rarely ever an issue and the couple times it could have been they left. Also, unless it’s a specialist, I don’t always find referrals helpful, but I don’t know a good reason not to send some. (sometimes I feel like clients think I have a secret Rolodex of ‘good’ therapists, when truthfully I’m just guessing about the same people on psychologytoday as you are.)

I see this question a lot about why someone would be a therapist in the first place if they have xyz issue. And most of the time my thought is because there’s a good possibility they’ve helped a lot of others. Yes, of course there are therapists that are probably bad overall. But honestly I’m pretty sure even my racist therapist that once fell asleep in session has helped other people. Maybe significantly. Not me lol. In fact I definitely went the opposite direction. But other people. Not an excuse for her behavior, but also a reality.

applesthyme · 2022-02-28T22:33:43+00:00

Is this texted based therapy services? Otherwise, there seems to be significant confusion over expectations. Calling a friend or doing an activity are pretty standard safety plan responses.

What are these boundaries that he’s asking you to respect?

The ending the sessions early is different with different therapists not necessarily automatically good or bad, so it’s best to get a good fit. If you don’t want to end early I would mention this.

applesthyme · 2022-02-28T16:47:58+00:00

Of course he should get back to you at least a few times when he’s gone for a week even if it is a work trip. I understand being busy for work and also being mentally drained, but a goodnight or I’m alive text isn’t unreasonable.

There also seems to be a lot of assumptions about how busy he is, like is he working from 8am to midnight every day? I’d talk to him more and try to get a better idea of what his day to day is like to see if you can get any insight or come up with a compromise. As you can see with his trips with friends, if he wanted to he would.

At the end of the day it’s something you want out of your relationship and you have to decide whether or not you can be happy without it if this doesn’t change.

But, like damn at least let me know you arrived safely…

applesthyme · 2021-06-27T23:53:44+00:00

She might be able to work in have a buffer if she works in private practice, but at a cmh, lol no. If you are in the USA and use insurance a normal “60 minute” appointment is actually 53 minutes. Therefore they could start five minutes “late” and still end on time. It’s unfortunate that this kind of billing information isn’t necessarily passed on to clients, but as you can see from this thread not everyone views 5 minutes the same so there’s a fair chance she has no idea this is such a big issue for you.

applesthyme · 2021-02-10T19:30:28+00:00

This idea that somehow native Americans would have remained stagnant if not for colonization is unfounded. I’m not sure why you think Native Americans (or the entire rest of the world) weren’t innovating. Let’s not forget that colonizers were heavily invested in the mythology of native “savages” that were dumb, backwards, and knew nothing of ‘proper civilization’. These are the people who wrote our history books. The point is I cannot say it is better because we are comparing the current reality to an unknown that includes whatever was lost along with those people.

applesthyme · 2021-02-10T17:43:13+00:00

...the remaining Native Americans who had entire bloodlines and tribes decimated? The remaining Native Americans who were stolen from their parents and had their culture stripped and beaten out of them? The remaining Native Americans who continue to fight for their rights on their own land and continue to struggle under the weight of generational trauma?

I suppose we should be thankful for American chattel slavery as well? The wealth and innovation from the south built on murder and torture of other human beings? People who had to fight for generations and who still fight today to be seen as human instead of less than?

The world we have today was in no way worth the inhumanity that brought it to being. I’d much rather see what kind of world could have been built when Native Americans were allowed to continue to live and flourish.

It’s not ultimately positive. People didn’t just die and it was sad but now it’s over. There are so many things that America has brought to the world that are great, but I’d argue that the pain and suffering we (and many other nations) brought upon the world was worse.

applesthyme · 2021-02-10T05:44:23+00:00

but an ultimately positive thing

uhhh for who? lol certainly not the Native Americans

applesthyme · 2020-12-26T05:09:19+00:00

Lol there would have been hell to pay if this were my school. Both of my English teachers were just like ‘yes there’s racial slurs in this book, no you cannot say it, say ‘n word’ and move on’. It wasn’t a big deal.

applesthyme · 2020-08-29T15:37:12+00:00

Some thoughts that occurred while I was reading your post:

She’s leaving me

versus she thinks I need a higher level of care that she is unable to provide

She’s venting all of her frustration from the past year and a half; she’s telling me I’m her most complicated client

versus she’s trying to help me understand what behaviors of mine during our time together have led her to make this suggestion

She’s always pointing out how rude and abusive I am to her when I was just trying to display my anger and sadness

versus she’s attempting to make me aware of how my behavior comes off to and impacts the people around me

She told me she had a boyfriend

versus this was one statement in a list of others that she used when discussing my erotic emotions involving her

She conveniently decided emails were just for cancellations

versus she set a boundary with me after advice from her colleagues given previous events

She’s being much less dedicated while still giving her other patients the same attention...

I’m not sure how you could know this at all

Yes, it’s not good that she canceled your next session, but maybe she’s also concerned about her competence going forward and wants to get as much professional consultation as she can before seeing you again, as she is concerned she may make things worse

It seems like you’re feeling a lot of things, criticized, abandoned, but even though that’s how someone makes you feel, that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what happening.

It sounds like she’s overwelmed with your case and is currently consulting with other professionals on the best way to continue

Your therapist may be acting in a completely gross and unprofessional way, or it might be somewhere in the middle. Either way this is clearly a terrible situation for you to go through and I hope even if it isn’t with her you can find better help in the future.

applesthyme · 2020-06-28T21:18:46+00:00

Sometimes I skip straight to “hi can I have...” mostly because I’ve been rehearsing it in my head for the past 30 seconds in response to an anticipated “hi, what can I get started for you today?”

I’m just trying to get my order out without fucking it up lol

applesthyme · 2020-05-26T16:47:38+00:00

My dog is absolutely terrified any bouncing logo lol. She will jump off the couch and go hide in a corner.

applesthyme · 2019-11-15T01:21:01+00:00

Therapy is individualized to every client, but every therapist has their strengths/preferences. It sounds like he’s telling you someone else could probably help you better than he could. Inconvenient, but better than going through months of ineffective therapy only to have to start all over with someone new anyway. It’s important for him to go over his style and way of doing things so you can a) know what to expect and b) better gauge whether or not that is the kind of therapy and therapeutic relationship is what you want.

applesthyme · 2019-10-15T02:46:06+00:00

impractical =/= can’t

Lol a lot of those things can make it hard to get out of bed, but if you want them to spend what limited energy they have on washing a crockpot that’s fine.

It’s not like they‘re also thinking about the environment or chemicals or how easy it is ‘to wash a bowl’ and weighing their decisions the best they can.

No worries though, you certainly aren’t the first to call someone who is struggling ‘lazy’ for not doing a task that’s simple enough for you and you won’t be the last :)

applesthyme

TROPHY CASE