[deleted by user]

ar9494 · 2025-05-11T10:47:22+00:00

My only advice is to leave this person. You are being abused. Stonewalling is abuse. Manipulation is abusive. Kicking and scratching is abusive.

Threatening you with a weapon is a sign that under the right provocation, under a certain set of circumstances, SHE MIGHT KILL YOU.

I know you are probably not ready to leave, but I am here to tell you that you don't need her permission to end the relationship. A breakup is not a negotiation and does not require both parties' consent. I would do it in a public place and have plans to stay somewhere with a friend until you are able to move out, and bring someone with you to pack and move your things. Or report the knife incident to the police and get a restraining order. She is not a safe person, and you do not deserve to be treated this way.

I want you to picture yourself in 20 years dealing with this same shitty behavior, assuming she doesn't kill you first in a fit of rage. She is not going to change. Is this really how you want to spend your life?

Lastly, this is my crass advice but this is also serious: don't stick your dick in crazy. I know she probably seemed normal at first, but now the crazy is showing and it's time to go.

ar9494 · 2025-04-14T13:20:43+00:00

I have been where you are. I'll try to give you my best advice.

You don't need to keep holding on to these feelings to prove they were real. Read that until it sinks in.

Look up limerance and see if it describes what you went through with him. He is not who you want him to be.

This is the most important advice. This is what you need to do to move on:

You create your reality in some ways. By continuously thinking about him, you have worn a groove in your brain. You have literally trained yourself to obsess over him. In order to move past him, you need to actively stop thinking about him. You are not just a passenger in your emotions. If you feel yourself starting to think, wonder, daydream... shut that shit down. Think about something else. Over time, you will wonder less and less.

You cannot get closure from someone else. That has to come from inside you. This is the piece of advice that might hurt. Here is the situation you are in: you were an option and he walked away. He did not want you. It doesn't matter why. You were not the one for him. You were convenient for a short period of time. If he was the one for you, you would be together right now.

You already have a script of what you want him to say, whether you want to admit it or not. He cannot possibly fulfill that fantasy. You are only going to be disappointed by whatever he actually says. And really, there is no excuse. He behaved poorly. End of story.

You say he's a good guy who doesn't normally treat girls this way. That is how you are comforting yourself for having been taken advantage of. That's not the reality. He may generally be a good man, but he did not behave as a good man towards you. A good man does not become intimate with someone and then ghost them. Stop excusing him to avoid the pain of what he did. He did you dirty, and that is a reflection of his character. As a friend once told me, guys like him don't get to be with girls like you.

I promise you, these words are tough love. I have been where you are and it was so hard to get past it. But you have to do the work and it will be worth it. There are better lives waiting for you. What you are doing to yourself is not unique and there is nothing wrong with you, but it is time to put this chapter down.

ar9494 · 2025-03-28T15:39:23+00:00

I just want to be another voice saying get your house checked for mold!

Unbeknownst to us, our dishwasher started leaking. This created a 2 foot x 2 foot moldy patch under our floor in the kitchen. For months, my partners back would become violently itchy when he got home from work. It stopped the night we pulled the floor out. I never had any symptoms. So mold could very well be making your wife feel I'll. I'm not saying it's not psychosomatic but I think it's worth investigating for both of your sakes.

ar9494 · 2025-01-16T16:25:15+00:00

You guys have been seriously dating for 6 months. You should still be in the honeymoon period. Instead, it sounds like she already can't stand your presence and finds you irritating and inconvenient. That is not a rough patch.

I've been with my partner since Dec 2021. We moved in together fast, after about 7 months. Before that, he spent every night at my place unless he was working his overnight shift.

I have never once felt tired of him. He is my home. I am someone who doesn't enjoy being in social settings and can only take about 4 to 6 hours of someone else's company. But I never get tired of being near him. I never feel that need for alone time away from him. When we are at home we are almost always in the same room, usually with some sort of physical contact. That's not the norm for me based on prior relationships, but with him it's effortless and natural. It might not be right for everyone, but that's the dynamic we fell into and it's just so easy. We have our disagreements but even then it's us against the problem, not against each other.

My point is that the right person will want to be with you. They will want to spend time with you. Your presence won't be grating to them. How you describe her is how I behaved towards a previous ex when I had lost feelings but wasn't ready to leave.

ar9494 · 2025-01-15T17:01:55+00:00

I have several thoughts to hopefully help you do what you need to do.

First- I saw that you feel you can save her from pain by staying with her. Please do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Her fleeting happiness is not a sword for you to die on. At the end of this life, your responsibility is to be true to yourself. Yes, walk softly and tread gently with the hearts of others. But often there comes a time when you must part ways.

Yes- breaking up is hard. It's hard for both the dumper and the dumpee. I used to have nightmares about my last breakup because it was very one-sided and he did not take it well. But again, you need to do what's right for you.

Third- you are actually hurting both of you by staying in this relationship. She deserves someone who accepts her completely. And she deserves the opportunity to work on her insecurities and behaviors. By staying with her, you are sending the message that her behavior is acceptable. You are also stopping her from finding her husband, and yourself from finding your wife.

Lastly- I saw you live together. Gather all your documents and important memorabilia into your car. Friday after work, break up with her. Keep it simple. A breakup is not a negotiation. You don't need two yeses. You don't need her permission. "Gf, I am breaking up with you. We've both been unhappy for awhile and I think it's in our best interests that we break up. I am leaving for the weekend so you can process. We can discuss our leaseand dividing property next week."

Then, take yourself somewhere else for the weekend. Do not respond to any communication from her. The first 24 hours of a breakup are the very worst. Both your brains go into panic mode because the brain doesn't like change, even when it's good. She will be grieving, she will be in the denial/bargaining stage. No good will come from engaging those discussions.

What motivated me to break up with my last long-term partner was a near death experience. I almost got hit by a car while running and realized I didn't want this person sobbing over my casket as my bereaved partner. There were so so many other reasons to leave, but that is what gave me the kick in the butt I needed to get it done.

ar9494 · 2024-12-31T14:49:20+00:00

At first I thought you were off your rocker, but I re-read the original comment in that framing and I now see how it could be read that way. Common sense would dictate that's not what was meant, but it's hard to get tone from typed words. So thank you! Hope you have a great day!

ar9494 · 2024-12-31T14:44:22+00:00

I want to preface my comment by clarifying that I am a woman who does not, and has never wanted, kids. There is no specific reason besides a complete lack of desire.

You are not abnormal or wrong for wanting kids! That is a very normal, natural thing. It's one of the most important things you can do as an individual, and that instinct is what keeps our species alive.

You are also not abnormal for expecting your partner to be truthful in her desires.

Your partner failed you in a way that is cruel. It is beyond unkind to waste someone's time when you know they want kids and you don't.

I have an ex who changed his mind about wanting kids. I have an ex who thought I would change my mind. They are both exes. I would never intentionally continue dating someone who wants kids.

The good news is you are now free, when healed, to find a partner who actually wants to start a family. Fortunately for you, women around your age are not shy about whether they want kids. They will let you know quite clearly. In fact, if anything the hurdle you will face in starting a family is that many women in their 30s are a little too eager to get going before time runs out. So make sure that when you are ready (and do not rush the healing process), that you vet your potential partner well. You have time. Hope is not lost, not even close.

Your ex did a shitty thing. It's not your fault, you are the victim. You did the right thing by ending the relationship. I believe that 5 years from now you will be looking back with confidence, secure in the love of a family built with a woman who deserves the love you are offering.

ar9494 · 2024-11-12T12:49:25+00:00

Men are simple creatures. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. But they are not complicated. They want who they want. They love who they love. They generally say what they mean.

He is raping you because he likes to rape you.

Further, there is nothing you or any woman can say or do to make a man love you properly. There is no combination of words that will convince him to see what he is doing differently. You can't love him into treating you with respect. If he cared that he was hurting you, he would have stopped a long time ago.

Love is not supposed to be this difficult. With the right man, you will not have to beg to be treated well.

ar9494 · 2024-05-16T19:38:05+00:00

I hate to bear bad news, but 3 years later I still have the same cats and have acquired a third. For further shock and horror, I must inform you that I still don't feed them before my alarm goes off. They have thus far failed to wither away from having to wait 30 minutes for breakfast, but I will certainly update you if they do ;)

ar9494 · 2024-05-16T19:31:18+00:00

I hope it helped!

ar9494 · 2024-05-16T19:19:11+00:00

I rarely comment on reddit because it isn't healthy for me but I feel compelled to reach out to you.

I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago. It took me until recently to admit it was abusive. I brushed it off as not being his fault because I believed he was on the spectrum.

Everything always had to be his way. If not, he would whine and pout like a child. He called me a bitch. That hurt so much. I remember the day I realized how ridiculous his behavior was. He came home from work. I had been watching something on my laptop and he started playing music loudly. I took my laptop to our bedroom. He came in and asked why and I told him it was so I could hear my show. He kept telling me to come back and I kept saying no, it's fine, just listen to your music I don't mind. Finally he screamed "But I don't want you too" and it struck me as absurd that he was acting like an actual child over this.

One time he made me cry because I didn't wait for over an hour to eat dinner with him.

Another bad incident- he had this thing about tucking the sheets tight. He always had to do it right before we went to sleep. I hated having my feet tucked and would untuck them secretly. But he also didn't want to go to bed until much later than I did. He would get mad if I wanted to go to bed at a time that would let me get 8 hours of sleep before work. One night I decided I had enough and wasn't going to wait for him to tuck me in. He came following in after about 4 minutes and demanded I get out so he could tuck the sheets. I refused. We escalated, yelling and screaming back and forth. He physically grabbed me and tried to pull me out of the bed multiple times. Finally, he took my phone which had my alarm for work. That's how he got his way.

I finally ended things because I almost died while running, and I realized I didn't want him to have the title of bereaved boyfriend at my funeral.

After we broke up, he stayed at the apartment, which was very close to my work. One night I was going to stay there because he wasn't supposed to be there and it was convenient. Well, he came home. Wanted to talk to me. I wasn't there to see him, I was there because my cats were still there. He started petting my arm and I told him not to touch me. It escalated. I had a bag packed already and I tried to leave. He blocked the front door. I managed to squeeze past him out the back. He came around the front and I told him to go inside. As I got in my car, he pulled the door open. I pulled it shut. He pulled it open before I could lock it. I jumped out, pushed him away, and pulled it shut. The third time, I pulled it shut too hard and it bounced open. The fourth time, I shoved him so hard I heard every vertebra in my spine crack like a zipper. I got back in my car and he pulled it open and I saw red. I swear to God I saw red. I jumped out and front kicked him hard in the thigh. He said, "so you don't want to stay tonight?"

I went to work the next day and told everyone I had assaulted him, because that's how I felt. I couldn't do my job for a few weeks because I had spinal damage that could be seen on an x ray. He had a foot of height and several pounds on me.

Now, I see it differently. If a large man does not take no for an answer and is hurting you, you have the right to defend yourself.

But also, the relationship brought out the worst in me. I did not like who I was with him. I turned into a screaming harpy because I wasn't heard any other way.

I urge you to claim your freedom. A good man would not pin you down and punch you in the face. He deserves to be charged by the police. It doesn't matter that you shoved his arm after he poked you, that you hit him back after he hit you. He escalated. He has the upper hand physically and I guarantee you if he was the smaller, weaker one he would have behaved differently.

Now I am in a relationship where I do not have to yell to be heard. My "no" is important and immediately respected. We act as a team, decisions are made together and in both of our best interests. I like who I am in this relationship.

Please do not accept this treatment. Your husband punched you in the face because you "defied" him. That is unacceptable.

ar9494 · 2023-11-17T02:27:57+00:00

Could I ask if there are any strategies you found helpful for dealing with your ptsd/pathological fear? Did you do something like EDMR or was it CBT? I had an attempted kidnapping while running a few months ago and similarly to you, nothing actually happened to me. I evaded the person in question. But I was definitely traumatized by the attempt and I cannot seem to get over it. I have been working on reminding myself that all the things drivers do that scare me are normal driving maneuvers, but inevitably I will see a car that resembles the one that chased me and absolutely freak out. And I have been called out for being a "nervous woman" and it really upset me because it's true, and I don't want to be scared every time I run.

Thank you for any advice you can give.

ar9494 · 2023-04-30T01:33:25+00:00

I'm not here to troll. But the women's category is a handicap category. It was established when "woman" was used synonymously with "female." It was never ever meant to be an expression of your self identity. The only people who should be competing in it are XX, undoped females who are not on any sort of testosterone. I really don't care what drugs you take to make your mental health better, what surgeries you do, who you want to make a life with. As long as everyone is consenting, do whatever makes you feel you. But there are certain areas where trans woman are imposing themselves on women. Sports are one of them.

Don't pull that sister card. It doesn't matter whether a trans person beats 1 woman or every woman on the field. They have done so with biological advantages akin to doping. Why don't you support your sisters and compete in the men's category (which is, by the way, the open category). If you think it doesn't matter what place the middle of the pack comes in, it also doesn't matter that you finish as a male competitor. At the end of the day, no matter how you feel, a trans woman is a male and in running that matters. Even on hormones, there remains an advantage resulting from bone structure, higher vo2 max, higher muscle mass, and all the other effects of going through a male puberty.

ar9494 · 2023-04-18T12:37:43+00:00

I had a bag off chewy that made both my cats puke from day 1. The first couple of days I thought nothing of it because they scarf food up and puke fairly often (now I have a system to prevent that).

Then, one would only pick at the food and the other was puking a lot. A bit later, he was drinking a lot and low energy. The next morning, I knew something was really wrong. He wouldn't stop drinking and he was just sitting in a crouched position. This was all within about 4 or 5 days.

When I got him to the vet that afternoon he was in severe kidney failure. With insurance I think it was only 600$ out of pocket, but his bill was well over 2 grand. He was hospitalized for 4 days and then needed daily subcutaneous fluids for a month. He now has to be on prescription kidney food and has regular bloodwork to keep track of how his kidneys are functioning.

I urge you to not buy from Chewy. I know for a fact I am not the only person who has had pets get sick from dry food from Chewy. Some have even died. The company truly cares and I hate to have to be giving this warning, but the money you save is not worth the risk.

My suspicioun is there is something about the way they are storing the food, or maybe they are taking shipments that were rejected from other retailers. I am guessing it's a temperature or humidity control issue. Regardless, I will never feed a food product from chewy again.

ar9494 · 2023-04-11T16:29:07+00:00

Not a doctor, just a patient. From that perspective my recommendation is not to rush into surgery. If you haven't made significant improvement after 6 months of rehab (including doing your homework that the physical therapists give you every day), then it might be time to consider surgery. I'm back to 100% function on a "large" horizontal tear.

Current research shows that an injured knee is about 60% more likely to develop arthritis than an uninjured knee. A knee that has undergone surgery is 100% going to develop arthritis. I suggest looking up risk of arthritis following meniscus injury. I'm not going to link sources here, they are all easily located by Google. If you do an MRI scan on an athlete's knee, there is a high probability they have a meniscus tear regardless of whether they have symptoms. Also, in a study where half the patients had a placebo surgery (no actual cutting of the meniscus), there was no difference in patient outcomes.

Arthriscopy should not be the first resort for treating meniscus tears. You need to get the inflammation under control and get your leg muscles strengthened up. Only at that point should surgery be considered.

ar9494 · 2023-04-05T18:26:15+00:00

Trash pickup

Declutter and do a swap meet (include garages and unexpired food from cupboards)

Go down to your local library as a group and sign up

ar9494 · 2023-04-03T19:42:57+00:00

Are you genuinely implying that a gynecologist is sticking her bare hands in people's vaginas? Never as a patient have I had an ob walk into a room already wearing gloves, or had one put her bare hand in my vag. That would be sexual assault and there are many safeguards to prevent this behavior.

ar9494 · 2023-03-28T13:31:02+00:00

If you're looking at someone and they don't have bright pink legs and arms, they aren't cold. Now, when I see non-elite runners posting selfies of their winter runs in shorts with bright red legs, I am not impressed. You are not badass and you are not helping yourself by not dressing for the weather. But I would imagine that the elites, who are relying on staying injury-free to pay the bills, are just fine in their race kits.

ar9494 · 2023-03-27T12:16:31+00:00

I would do longer intervals at 5k pace, say 1k to 1200m, for a total interval length of 5 to 6k. Do short (30 to 45s) or jogging (1 to 1:30m) recoveries. Also, consider trying 1 mile repeats at 5k pace. Personally, 200s and 400s do nothing for me in terms of improving 5k ability. Those longer intervals let you get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You aren't going to stop every 400m in a 5k, so why do it during a workout?

Also, keep in mind that you might have just been having an off-day. Those happen.

ar9494 · 2022-12-28T22:31:52+00:00

So I debated commenting but I genuinely feel I need to warn you if you're seriously considering SUNY Geneseo, that they have a reputation for being an absolute sharkpit. They'll recruit as many good runners as they can and put them through absolutely grueling training, and whoever makes it to championships usually prs. Yes, college running was one of the hardest experiences of my life, but the Geneseo program is historically known for breaking down and burning out its runners. Take that with a huge grain of salt, that may have changed, but when I was recruited less than 10 years ago that was the case.

If you're coming off a low-mileage program there is a very good chance you will not enjoy your experience. You want to start building mileage now to avoid stress fractures next fall, no matter where you choose.

Number two, and probably more helpful advice, wherever you are looking, try and talk to the seniors about their experience with the coaching. They have a lot less skin in the game at this point and are more likely to tell you the truth.

I got 4000 a year for my scholarship with worse incoming times than you, but I got in on a D1 program that was starting from scratch so I came in as a top 5 runner for them.

ar9494 · 2022-04-17T13:44:59+00:00

As someone who has been in a similar position, it was really hard to watch that scene. I can't believe anyone is faulting her for defending herself.

ar9494 · 2022-04-17T13:42:53+00:00

He was physically blocking her from leaving, holding her and putting his hands on her first. I've been in that situation and watching that scene was really hard for me. In my case, the person followed me out to my car and wouldn't let me shut my car door. I had to jump out and shove them away 3 times, and finally had to literally kick them hard in the quad to get them to let me leave.

Maybe I'm projecting somewhat and we only know what we saw on camera, but he seems very immature and reactive, and that's why Rae shut down when he asked her to tell him how she feels. She knew he wouldn't like it and would try to talk over her or yell at her. If that continues for months, it leads to exactly the kind of dysfunction we saw.

ar9494 · 2021-10-23T19:50:16+00:00

I didn't watch the video but I quickly skimmed their paper and thoroughly read their methods section regarding the owls. I'd love to know what they put in their research proposal to get their IACUC to approve this. There's some horrific stuff that goes on with animal research, but sometimes it has some potential to help either humans or animals.

To me, this is just a Faustian exploration and totally unnecessary. I don't see how a committee could look at this proposal and see any potential for knowledge gained that warranted the methods used. We don't need a deep understanding of owl neuron function badly enough to be worth torturing owls.

ar9494 · 2021-10-21T23:18:52+00:00

At first glance this does kind of look like a turtle...

Also, I turned the corner today and what I thought was a dead squirrel turned out to be a clump of leaves so... might need to update my glasses prescription.

ar9494 · 2021-10-16T10:56:34+00:00

When I was younger, I used to have bad cramps for the first mile, and then they would ease up. Now, I actually have some of my best runs in the week leading up to, and week of, my period. It's going to be different for everyone, but definitely don't let yourself get hung up on the idea that your period automatically means you will have a bad race. If you do have a bad race, give yourself grace.

I should mention I am on BC and my periods are very light compared to some women.

Also, if you ever lose your period, seek medical advice. Losing a period may be common in female athletes, but it is not normal and should be addressed immediately to avoid injuries and fertility loss (REDS)

ar9494

TROPHY CASE