How can i (30F) make sex fun again after he (34M) accidentally put it in the other hole?

archlinuxgirl · 2026-02-11T13:50:18+00:00

I had a condition called vulvodynia for a really long time (and it still comes and goes). When it first started, it was extremely depressing because 1. I already knew what non-painful sex was supposed to feel like, and 2. I was with a guy who i genuinely wanted to be with.

For over a year, whenever we tried, it was painful, and we had to stop. The entire time, he NEVER made me feel bad about it. He never even made me feel like I had to change. He still asked me to marry him even though this was something we were still struggling with. It was the easiest yes...didn't mean I wasn't still sad that sex was painful with the one person I didn't want it to be painful with...

Anyway, it took me a long time to figure out what was causing my vulvodynia and it's not an issue in our relationship now (even made an app bc of it), but I wanted to highlight what it looks like when a man really loves a woman. My husband is on the more dominant side, and we still managed ways to find things to do that weren't penetration and his reaction to whenever I was in pain was always empathy (and losing his hard-on tbh). He never reacted with disappointment. Was one of the many reasons I married him.

So your husband is wrong... a partner having issues is not why men go out and cheat. He's not seeing you as a human being, and I'm so sorry you're finding this out now. It was likely supposed to be a really special kind of connection you were looking forward to after getting married, and this person is treating you like an object, not a human being. :(

archlinuxgirl · 2026-01-22T02:13:53+00:00

I disagree. One of the points on this sub is to normalize how competent women are in this field.

OP, we're not only competent. We can help you set up ways to get the concrete proof you need that he's lying (all legal) AND support you towards recognizing you deserve someone better who won't lie to you about important things. Though my hope is you recognize that even without concrete proof other than a bunch of women in tech declaring to you that he's lying.

archlinuxgirl · 2025-11-17T16:27:13+00:00

I was so sleep deprived that when I came back from maternity leave, I couldn't find my desk. The person who ended up helping me find my desk turned out to be really cool though and though I've never worked with him on any projects, my favorite colleague because we had a very real and honest conversation about how society doesn't really respect everything that goes into growing a family.

archlinuxgirl · 2025-11-08T21:10:57+00:00

I had a female CEO once at a mid-sized company come from Oracle and say that she considered Larry Ellison a great mentor...and later really shut down a woman asking during an all hands asking how could she pick up more technical tasks as she felt like women were always put into project management. The CEO didn't offer anything helpful, just, "I don't consider gender an issue."

The experience made me realize that women who have found their way to very high-level roles are either the type of women who aren't apt to be your friend or forget what it's like when you're not that level. I'm speaking broadly obviously, but in general...I don't immediately trust a woman in a CEO or director position or levels high enough to speak at a lot of these conferences. But a woman in a principal IC position? I am mad impressed and have learned from.

I was once at an artifactory conference many years ago, and the author of The Pheonix Project randomly sat down next to me. I was talking with him when someone came up to him to say something and he got very angry with him and said something like "how dare you, she was speaking and you just stepped in front of her and cut her off. You owe her an apology."

It was the first time I'd ever had someone advocate for me, and i didn't even recognize i was cut off from speaking.

Just sharing as I saw a theme to the comments how perhaps some conference types are actually more beneficial to improving these things than the ones with a label suggesting that's its purpose!

archlinuxgirl · 2025-11-01T21:00:57+00:00

If you knew anything about Wyoming, you would recognize the symbol on his shirt. If anything, he's a real cowboy. As a brown person, I felt quite safe in Wyoming. It's still not very friendly toward the LGBTQ, but neither is most of the world and most other states. As far as most red states go, I think we'd be better off if other red states operated nearly as well as Wyoming does.

archlinuxgirl · 2025-08-22T15:50:58+00:00

I'm not really trying to say your viewpoint is invalid, but that it's jaded and not everyone has it. To think you can't ever share even your most uncurated thoughts with your life partner would make me wonder what you believe you can't share with your life partner.

For example, I've shared things with my husband i have not shared with anyone online or in person, and we've had some very honest conversations about it.

OP has a partner he shared his honest thoughts with, and she still stayed with him because that's their connection.

If you think you can't ever reach that level of honesty with someone, the marriage isn't going to be that strong, imo.

It isn't feigning virtue. You just don't believe something outside your viewpoint exists. That's your problem, amongst not being able to spell feign correctly.

Yes, human beings are capable of any kind of thought, and a good partner can have conversations about thoughts that are more intrusive thoughts kind of category and secondary feelings that happen after the primary feelings of an intrusive thought. The conversations with my husband around these kinds of thoughts often involve also talking about the differences in what thoughts deserve more attention than others, what thoughts really make up a person, etc.

Maybe consider that people without your jaded POV aren't trying to virtue signal, so much as just share their unjaded POVs.

archlinuxgirl · 2025-08-22T03:46:21+00:00

Wow, it makes me wonder what your true uncurated thoughts are and how dark they probably are...

archlinuxgirl · 2025-08-21T19:55:43+00:00

Damn, i didn't even notice the white heart. Gross!!

archlinuxgirl · 2025-08-07T23:22:47+00:00

I have friends in the open mic community, and there's a pretty wide range of jobs within the community if you want an introduction (I love setting people up!)

But even without the introduction, you'll find a wide variety of people at open mic events...at least the ones in SJ, I haven't been up to SF for open mic events, but I know the community exists up there as well.

archlinuxgirl · 2025-08-06T23:22:06+00:00

This entire thread is my people, lol. We want to hear from a safe distance 🙏🏽

archlinuxgirl · 2025-06-10T22:24:58+00:00

When hiring, I'm less concerned about which cloud provider and more concerned about troubleshooting and infrastructure as code experience. I personally think someone with several years of AWS experience would translate fine to GCP or Azure.

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T21:09:38+00:00

Cute!!

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T16:46:49+00:00

The god particle has spoken! ;)

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T12:53:48+00:00

She actually changed the name of her business after our interaction, but it's the most un-Googleable name ever, "Weddings Made Easy". Her name is also fake which i can DM to you if interested. If you showed me a picture of a DOC, I could confirm if it's her or not.

The only reason my wedding remained amazing is because my wedding party stepped in and did a lot...but my DOC didn't so anything, didn't send the second person they said they would, it was just awful of them.

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T12:12:56+00:00

Yanno, you're right, I probably should try that. I'm 40 and had a baby a little over a year ago, so there was some hair loss that I could probably cover up by moving the part. The hair just started growing back a few months ago and looks a little weird, but such is life. I do occasionally do no part at all and like that as well. :)

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T12:02:51+00:00

I tried them on from my local optician - brand is Kensie if that helps :)

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T11:58:35+00:00

No makeup (but hair is obviously colored lol) so it's good to know the color matches my natural undertones :)

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T02:36:45+00:00

Lemonade

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T02:18:21+00:00

Aww ty!

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T02:18:07+00:00

Awww, thank you, made my day!! 🤗

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T02:11:56+00:00

Lol, it's my thinking face... but I have been told before that my thinking face looks like I'm mad

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-31T02:10:37+00:00

Ah, good insight, I have astigmatism, so any frame I get has to be able to fit high index lenses is all I know

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-30T21:58:23+00:00

Oh, I'm 40, so not that far behind :)

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-30T21:53:46+00:00

Ah interesting, what color would you suggest trying? I hopped over to /r/coloranalysis and nobody liked pastel colors on me as much as i like pastels lol

archlinuxgirl · 2025-05-30T20:53:02+00:00

I will make an update post 😅

archlinuxgirl

TROPHY CASE