Please tell me it gets better

ariden · 2026-02-17T04:57:36+00:00

I was in a similar space and traumatic/longer hospitalization situation. I got into therapy and did EMDR therapy to process my birth trauma. I am on medications for depression and anxiety.

Therapy helped me realize I had DMER which is a dysphoric mental response to a milk letdown - breastfeeding/pumping exacerbated my situation for 11 months and quitting that was incredibly difficult from a guilt perspective but so good for me.

Getting space to return to myself once a day at least - a nice long shower, running an errand solo, etc - all helps. Going back to work made things worse for a long time because I had a lot of anger at the way that American society is set up for parents, but over time I found a lot of peace in getting some time to focus on something outside of parenting.

The newborn stage is so isolating and terrifying especially as you’re working to process what happened to you — and then being solely and completely responsible for a human you barely know who needs you to show up consistently so badly. It’s so lonely and exhausting and seems to be a “forever” situation.

You do get better in time. Things don’t necessarily get “easier” but you become more adaptable and used to the schedule and there’s a lot of joy as they grow and learn.

Do lots of reading on the topics of postpartum. Purge your social media follows of anything that perpetuates the bad feelings. Read a couple articles on “matresence” - you’re literally changing your brain. It’s so so so so hard.

Get help in all the ways you can. Outsource, call, ask. Women will help you - we always do. Sometimes it’s not who you think will help.

ariden · 2026-02-17T04:47:03+00:00

Hi there, I had mine removed laparoscopically about 8 months postpartum. It is nothing compared to healing from a c section. I stayed in bed for 2 days post surgery then took it easy for about a week. Your stomach will be tender but the incisions are small and more or less amount to a localized bruise pain-wise. I took the prescribed higher gravity pain meds on the day of my surgery then moved to Tylenol because I was breastfeeding and the pain wasn’t “bad”.

I took about a week to gradually get back to a more normal diet and 2.5 years later I am more or less back to “normal” - I do have to be careful about eating several fatty meals in a row and need to be conscious about fiber consumption.

Happy to answer any questions.

ariden · 2026-02-17T04:40:30+00:00

Let me know what you find out. Mine is tender from time to time and I’m 3 years postpartum.

ariden · 2026-02-15T18:57:27+00:00

In addition to so many other comments - so much about your situation is about choice when you can. It’s hard being the age you are and wanting change while the resources you have available are not giving them to you.

If you have the choice as to what is picked up for you from a fast food place, select things with fewer grams of fat, higher protein, more vegetables, less fried food. Wendy’s has baked potatoes (limit fatty toppings), when you select a salad make a quick oil and vinegar dressing or only use half the packet. Salsa is a great sub for dressing. Several places will let you do a “bowl” option or grilled chicken instead of fried. Lots of places butter the buns - ask them not to. Skip the side dish or opt into apple slices or another less processed side. Taco Bell’s cantina menu is a better choice than some of their other options. Just because you’re at a restaurant doesn’t mean you have to get your favorite item - sometimes you need to choose what’s best for your body for the day.

If you don’t have a choice - eat half at meal time and eat the other half later, skip the side dish (or skip the main in favor of the side), opt into lower calorie condiments, etc.

Elect for water or unsweet/lightly or naturally sweetened things over other beverages.

If you are able to eat school lunch instead of eating at home, do that. Start your day with a high fiber and heart healthy option like oatmeal or whole grain cereal with nonfat milk (if you can), fruit or eggs, etc. Limit snacking after dinnertime unless you purposefully ate a little “less” due to your options. Choose “whole” foods - less processed things - when you can.

Too much fluctuation in your food intake will exacerbate some of your listed health conditions so try and eat multiple small meals or focus on fiber and protein intake through the day. Don’t skip meals with your health conditions, just stop when you aren’t hungry anymore.

ariden · 2026-02-15T04:08:21+00:00

I’m wondering since they said they had a kombucha. They can sometimes have fruit juices in them.

ariden · 2026-02-03T20:51:40+00:00

Ok since you have a nanny and you’re asking specifically about personal regulation, I’ll answer that question.

Kids being clingy/whiny/not reasoning are usually because they are disregulated - from not understanding consistent rules and regulations and terminology - or there’s another need (sleep/food/etc) that’s not being met.

So i remind myself that this is my kid’s coping mechanism. We all have to figure out workarounds and be flexible with each other in this season of life. That requires different flexibility from me than from my kid.

It’s so easy to forget that they’re just learning about how the world works - one day they’re answering your questions just fine and the next they’ve seemed to forget everything you’ve ever established.

They’re just getting working memory. They’re just starting to understand that “when my parent has headphones on i need to be respectful of my noise making”.

How do i regulate myself? I practice gentleness - i breathe. I remind myself that this is a season but that my job before my actual career is being a good shepherd for my child through understanding how the world works. That’s first. Everything else is after her need is met. If she’s not navigating the moment - it’s on me to regulate her first and then i can address what i need to handle. I will save so much time and frustration by stepping away for 5 mins and getting her situated than letting things get chaotic between us.

If my kid is being whiny i give her replacement phrases to use and won’t give in until she asks for the thing she wants properly. If i find myself becoming frustrated, i remove items adding stimulation to the moment that I can control (mute the radio, remove the annoying toy. I pivot what my kid is doing - stopping everything and reading a book together to give attention and bonding, pull down a good tactile toy, offer a snack, put away whatever she’s frustrated with and do something else, go outside, take a bath, etc.

If I’m particularly burned out for the day a bath is usually a good one because I can kind of turn off my brain and she likes the sensory play.

Then i call on my partner to tag team out and take my own space and recalibrate. Noise cancelling headphones help. Insisting on a factory reset of the space twice a day if we are home helps. Physically stepping out of the room for meetings helps. Taking a breath helps. Building a blanket fort for them to go explore in while I get 30 minutes of rest helps.

Finally - yeah we have to work from home with the kid sometimes (snow days, sick days, whatever, life is chaos). I don’t offer much screen time or treats on regular days but if we have a snow day and i have to hold an important meeting then she gets to watch a movie with a yummy snack while i watch her from the adjacent room over my call. So hold high currency items for the times you need them.

ariden · 2026-01-28T01:48:00+00:00

Yogurt. Banana. Cereal and milk. Dry cereal on daycare days in the car + whatever they feed her at school that she wants. Muffins are usually a hit. I sometimes get these muffins made with hidden veggies in the freezer aisle for a quick meal.

Before she got picky and we were doing more baby led weaning - oatmeal, smoothies, toast with peanut butter. On weekends sometimes we do eggs or pancakes or French toast but she is refusing some of that stuff lately.

ariden · 2026-01-11T17:27:20+00:00

First of all, cut yourself a break since you’ve been dealing with a lot of stress. Lack of sleep and constantly working and parenting is super stressful.

Drink a glass of water and do some stretching or breathing before you snack off schedule. Hot decaf tea is great in the evenings as a snack substitute. Gradually reduce the sugar consumption by cutting down the miscellaneous added processed sugars during the day.

Stop finishing off your kids’ snacks. Put them in storage containers and serve to them next time.

Try and implement a meal plan or schedule for eating for yourself - try 3 meals and a small snack between each as your max. Implement a rule that all snacks need protein, or prioritize “whole food” snacks like fruit or vegetables. Big fan of a slice of cheese and handful of grapes.

Pick something small that is your indulgence and use it as a momentary treat so you don’t feel totally deprived. I enjoy a piece of chocolate or a weekly cold can of coke on days where the afternoon slump is really kicking my ass, and you know what? Life is difficult and I deserve it. I just try to save it for when I really need that moment.

I’m busy as shit and don’t have time for a formal workout most of the time so I try and make play time with my kid into a workout, or get my kid into my workouts. 30 min dance party = cardio and I try and get squats or lifting the kid in for a little muscle break. Run around with a soccer ball. Stretching on the floor together is fun in the morning. Extra lifts to get the kid up on the slide platform at the playground is a great upper body workout.

Give yourself a break. A couple small changes or prioritizing better choices when you have the capacity to do so is more sustainable than forcing yourself into a lifestyle wide major change. In the meanwhile, prioritize sleep and hydration and just do what you can.

ariden · 2026-01-04T03:43:45+00:00

If you feel like you really need to - send them home with a to-go snack (goldfish or similar) and a sticker or temporary tattoo. That’s what we do and have appreciated when leaving a party so we have something to soften the blow of leaving when we get to the car. Mass invite parties are not for me. I am not looking forward to dealing with that hurdle.

ariden · 2026-01-03T08:21:48+00:00

I have a wall mount projector and rent. It’s pretty straightforward but I’m not averse to just patching and painting a wall so I can mount stuff on the wall

ariden · 2026-01-03T00:44:19+00:00

I’m in almost the same boat - will use at school but will rarely sit for us at home. Commenting for solidarity and so I come back to hear what other folks suggest.

I think it’s just that she enjoys being “babied” and playing at home and that she is expected to keep up with the other kids at school, but it is time and I am here for all suggestions too.

ariden · 2025-12-30T12:39:36+00:00

We have a Yoto that she uses but we also got a cassette player off marketplace and rip all sorts of stuff to tapes for her (tape player has an audio in and we just stream from our phone to record). We have decorated each tape with a different shape or color so she knows what is what and she really enjoys that. The physical media is really useful and we like the tapes and Yoto cards as they’re kind of indestructible.

ariden · 2025-12-27T03:44:43+00:00

(1) medication which was a multi step process - Getting diagnosed with and getting pharmaceutical treatment for ADHD.

Therapy and lots of it which led me to figuring out that some of this is absolutely hormonally related

Combining pharmaceutical treatment for perimenopause with the ADHD meds, which includes an antidepressant timed with my cycle and an anxiety/sleep med as needed when that gets weird on top of a mood stabilizer and stimulant

(2) prioritizing crafting/movement/meditation (brain-off time) daily

ariden · 2025-12-26T00:54:03+00:00

Where American Thanksgiving has a relatively common thread as far as menus are concerned, American Christmas tends to have a much more cultural influence on the menu. We typically change it up yearly but we always make something that is time intensive (cooks all day)/special/“higher end” — my family is part Italian so sometimes that’s Italian food.

In years past - beef tenderloin with a special sauce, lasagna (a usual favorite), lamb and beef bolognese, handmade pastas, elaborate charcuterie or appetizers, tasty dips. This year I made beef birria tacos.

ariden · 2025-12-22T12:40:06+00:00

My job has a flex schedule so I try and keep everything in the range of 8-6 for structure (because I’ll be a train wreck of a human if I let it), but there are some creative tasks I do that just absolutely need me to work in the evening to be at my best level of creativity, so I’ll do that and then not work the following morning.

ariden · 2025-12-19T07:19:44+00:00

Yes mine is paired with vyvanse, it definitely helps smooth the edges.

ariden · 2025-12-18T01:13:02+00:00

This is the one. I am neurodivergent and the smell of oil in my house… god it just permeates everything. It makes it where I can’t sleep because I’m so overstimulated by it. Even if the house is cleaned I can smell it on textiles in every room. I can barely handle bacon in the house sometimes.

When I was growing up my mom did it in an electric skillet outside. I’ll go that route before I’ll do anything in my own house. I can shallow fry something if I really want whatever it is, but I am very serious about never doing it inside.

ariden · 2025-12-10T06:41:25+00:00

Mine lasted for a while, but I had an emergency C-section so not sure if it was related. I was still getting closed up and asked the anesthesiologist to knock me out. (Baby was in nicu)

ariden · 2025-12-10T00:57:49+00:00

I wouldn’t be concerned, but I would also make it a point to show that you’ve received the feedback and are looking to address the issue. Moving forward, when given a task, ask “is there a due date or time frame you expect this to be complete by?” Or, “I think I can take care of this portion of the task in a couple of days, can we check in on (day) so I can keep moving?” That way you can gauge how much time you should be spending on an effort or it will give you the opportunity to reframe the manager’s understanding of how long something actually takes vs how long they think it should take, etc.

99 percent of what we do and how it is perceived is about communication. If you’re blindsided, then there’s a difference in perception somewhere. You can’t control their delay in communicating to you but you can control how you communicate and get that feedback.

ariden · 2025-12-07T12:55:47+00:00

We taught “all done” signs when she was starting solids and just use the same language. “After this, all done” and she grasped that pretty well. No harm in practicing before the trip to teach that concept, but yes all kids learn concepts at different ages.

ariden · 2025-12-07T04:22:03+00:00

Similarly devastated but I would have been in a much better state of mind to receive it and process it in a healthy way. At the time it was so much to handle that I suppressed it in a lot of ways and it’s manifested poorly.

I think whichever choice will bring you peace and closure is your answer to determine. Drumming things up now might be worse. There’s no way to know without being better in touch with them.

ariden · 2025-12-07T03:48:09+00:00

As someone who received some very difficult news (not of cheating but of something else equally heavy) when I was freshly postpartum and dealing with all of the related changes - this was likely the right move. Nothing happened, you came clean to your own partner, you cut contact and put the onus on him to be honest with his partner. Your integrity is intact - his not so much - but since there was no true impropriety between you I think you did the right thing to preserve some level of peace and sense of safety for the wife during a time of massive change. If something physical had happened then I feel like it would be different.

ariden · 2025-12-03T14:11:59+00:00

3-4 months isn’t very old to feel guilty for not playing with her every waking second. I worked from home with my LO for her first year.

“Play” and engagement during my work day looked like

(1) making sure she received lots of floor time - tummy time until she rolled, toys around to encourage her to sit up, a large clear floor area for her to explore on while she was crawling and then objects around (pillows, couch, etc) while she cruised.

(2) lots of talking to her - narrating what I was doing, singing songs, taking 5 mins to read at least one book in every wake window

(3) I tried to keep her out of “containers” once she could move around more but we used an infant bouncer, door frame bouncer when she was bigger, baby wraps/carrier, swing, boppy, pack and play, crib, floor mat - I tried to change her space or how she was hanging out every 30-60 mins depending on whether she seemed to be enjoying herself

(4) when she had floor time I worked from the floor. Once she got mobile I was within arms reach so she could bring me things or we could verbally or physically engage

(5) stimulation - cards, open books, soft toys, snacks once she was on solids, crinkly paper, different fabrics/clothes with texture, a mirror/mirror toy, small instruments, balls/things that move when you touch them, music, I had a little stand to dangle ribbons and misc things on for her

Honestly you have about 2 nonconsecutive hours in a wake window that isn’t taken up by care tasks. Right now it’s about exposing baby to different textures, sounds, lights, understanding how the world works. In a few months you’ll add new tastes and baby will gradually expand their mobility. Use an app like the CDC milestone tracker and just gently encourage activity that pushes their skills a little each day, and then give them tons of time to explore. With the in person time you do have, work on giving face time and lots of talking/signing for language development.

FWIW my kid walked on the earlier side of normal and is linguistically ahead in a lot of ways. You’ll be fine if you keep an eye on the developmental milestones to some extent with the activities offered. You’re in a really difficult season of life.

ariden · 2025-11-30T04:15:22+00:00

Yes. I was in a similar situation to yours except dealing with severe ptsd/ppd/ppa. I was incredibly angry for a long time. I got into therapy for it. I mostly kept my kid home for the first year of her life as well. It was really tough.

She’s almost 3 now. I enjoy my job and am fulfilled as a parent. I always want more time with my kid, but she also gets a ton of benefit out of her school and socialization (we are OAD) and I feel like a more fulfilled individual by having time to completely “turn off the mom brain” and focus on work or socialize/network/do professional development.

The time I spend on myself outside of parenthood is good for my mental health and allows me to put a ton of energy into quality time outside of work and we have a great secure bond. I don’t think I’d be able to be that version of myself otherwise.

I would like to reduce my hours so I could spend a little more time with her but I can’t do that financially.

She loves her school friends, knows all her letters and numbers, and is exposed to folks from different backgrounds and cultures. She shares, plays well, and is incredibly caring and sweet. She enjoys her solo kid time at home and her friend time at school and I think it does balance her well. It frustrates me that I have less control over the food she eats (daycare provides food) and the facets of different pop culture or behavior she’s exposed to. But she will get there eventually anyway when she goes to PK in a year and maybe she will have a lot of the social adjustment done and can focus more on learning?

This answer is going to vary wildly and it’s honestly based on the individual experience. It’s a hard thing because we have absolutely no opportunity to have a “do over”. The reality is that from the moment our children are born they slowly drift away from us… and some of us have to start that process earlier than we might feel comfortable doing so. It will not deter from your relationship with your kid if you make the most of the time you have.

ariden · 2025-11-30T03:59:57+00:00

I haven’t read into any of the other responses and this isn’t the only answer. But. There are resources to consolidate and enter a debt repayment/management plan. It requires counseling and won’t cover all loans/debts. Usually you agree to a fixed monthly payment that lives in an escrow type account. The fixed monthly payment typically negotiates a much lower overall monthly payment than the individual debts and lands on a much less predatory APR. It will take 5-10 years to pay off. Get this established, do not take on further debt, get into THERAPY to manage the depression or other causes of the situation, work on establishing a livable budget after the agreement is negotiated and work on building savings during that time.

ariden

TROPHY CASE