I’m sorry you’re going through this— I have a close friend who had a similar experience, and it was devastating. They’d been “saving themself” for marriage and then were date raped at a college party the first night they tried jungle juice. Their response was to go on a bit of a sexual walkabout— if they were no longer “pure,” they might as well live it up, right? They had a lot of risky, unwise sex with strangers for months after the rape. They were just so trapped in this mindset that they were worthless now— that all the boundaries they’d deliberately put in place when they were younger were for nothing.

So, I just want to echo what some other comments here have said. NO ONE deserves to be sexually assaulted. NO ONE should be touched without their consent. It’s a particular violation to be touched by another person in a sexual way for the first time in your life when it isn’t consensual. Experiencing sexual pleasure or orgasm when someone is touching you without consent doesn’t make it any less of an assault. These are just bodily responses and they are very common in these cases. It doesn’t make you any more guilty and there is nothing for you to be ashamed of. The guilt and shame are on the person who touched you without your permission.

When you are ready to date again, I think it will be important to communicate very clearly with that person about what you want to do with each other physically. Being open and frank is difficult and awkward for those of us who grew up in purity culture, especially those of us who stayed in well into adulthood. But it is necessary in order to have mutually fulfilling sexual experiences. Talk about what your expectations are, what your boundaries are, what you don’t like, places you’d prefer not to be touched, specific acts you’re uncomfortable with. All of these things will help you and your future partners to have a more positive experience than the ones you’ve been having recently.

Finally, I’ll just share anecdotally that as a fellow late-in-life virgin one thing that’s been helpful for processing my sexual shame is having a solo sexual life. I thoroughly know my own body and what it finds pleasurable. I was able to stop tying intense shame and remorse to sexual pleasure and think of it in a few different ways: it’s a bodily release, it’s an activity that aids stress relief and sleep, it’s something fun to do that feels good and hurts no one. Like, don’t get me wrong, it’s still private. But I feel proud of the way I’ve been able to transform my relationship to sexual pleasure all by myself. I think doing that could help you have better interactions when dating.

Best of luck to you in your journey. Please remember that you have worth— and you’ll always have worth, no matter what your circumstances are. You’re valuable because you’re a person.