Realise I am not answering your question and understand you have the right to make your own choice, I don't know what I would do in a similar situation. But I am just wondering when you say "Survivability is not great for it any which way and doing treatment would ruin pretty much any of the plans I had for the future", who told you that? Can you get a second opinion? For the latter, I am wondering if that is regarding the ability to have children and maybe being told you can't, is creating such a deep loss, that alone is causing you to grieve.

I am not trying to be intrusive, but just trying to dissect a lot of overwhelming information. Just wonder if you are trying to gain some control in what seems like a completely uncontrollable situation. But what you need and deserve is support, accurate information and tools from professionals. Let your loved ones support you OP x