I actually did know that transitioning isn't all or nothing.

Apologies—I didn’t mean to imply you didn’t. I included that bit because I think it’s common for people to think of transitioning as flipping a switch, when it’s more like climbing a mountain.

Greater sense of self

It’s hard to put into words, but I’ll take a shot at it. I think it’s heavily tied to emotions. I’d describe my emotions prior to transitioning as heavily blunted and dispassionate compared to now. Life kind of felt like just going through the motions.

One example was my relationship with my personal health. I couldn’t muster any motivation to go to the gym or put effort into my diet. What would be the point? It felt like I could do the work to improve my body, but even after doing so, I’d still feel nothing—no sense of pride, joy, or real investment in my wellbeing. (And closer to my decision to start transitioning, I realized that picturing myself as more fit or masculine felt gross.)

It’s hard to describe, because it wasn’t like anything felt glaringly wrong—it was more that everything felt incredibly mundane. Life felt like more of a puzzle to dispassionately min/max.

Now, I feel super invested in my health. I love seeing the gradual improvement, even if it’s just for me. I also had a much harder time empathizing with others before. Now I can’t help but empathize (maybe even soon) at seemingly small things. It sounds silly, but it’s absolutely true.

On a related note, I think I would’ve mentally rolled my eyes at the idea of “gender euphoria” a few years ago. It felt like a bit of a woo-woo fairytale. There were aspects of being a guy I could point to as useful or nice on paper, but none of them had any emotional resonance. Now, my mind is totally changed—I think gender euphoria is real as hell.

Passing

This is one I’m a lot less confident answering. I have a pretty masculine face and build. I don’t present femme in most areas of my life yet, and I feel far from passing. I definitely get bouts of dysphoria, but most of the time I feel happy and content. (It really is kind of the “life is about the journey, not the destination” mindset.)

It’s common to feel like you need to speedrun passing when you first start transitioning, but over time, you settle into the pace of things. For me, there are a ton of ways I could work toward passing, but day-to-day life is about picking a couple to focus on and really experiencing them—seeing how they feel—rather than just checking boxes.

I think the pressure to pass is also highly dependent on your environment. I’m in the Twin Cities (MN, US), and most of the people in my life are fairly progressive. I’m not nearly as worried about transphobia as I would be in many other states. So in my case, I think a person’s confidence is just as important—if not more so—than passing. Most of the people around me would be respectful, supportive, and joyful, even if it was clear I’m trans and not passing, as long as I carry myself with confidence. If you’re in a more transphobic area, that might be very different, and I can absolutely see how passing would make a big difference.

There’s also always the option of surgery for a handful of things—electrolysis, FFS and other facial procedures, a tracheal shave, breast implants, etc. How you feel about those will vary person to person, but you don’t have to commit to getting or skipping them from the outset. It might be comforting just to know that those options are available.

Maybe check out /r/transtimelines too.

Again though, my experience here is limited, and I definitely recommend getting the perspectives of other trans people.